Obama temporarily barred from Air Force One due to durian-breath

KUALA LUMPUR — US President Barack Obama, on-route to the Philippines after completing a 3-day visit to Malaysia, was denied entry into the presidential plane Air Force One by the Secret Service after his durian-tainted breath triggered the aircraft’s hazardous gas sensors.

Mr Obama, who had just enjoyed a large serving of the thorny fruit known for its pungent, strong smell yet delicious taste, was stopped by his own security personnel at the aircraft door and asked to return to his armoured limousine and taken to a nearby airport VIP lounge where he could ‘decontaminate’ his mouth.

A Secret Service spokeswoman said that this drastic measure was unusual, but needed to be taken for the safety of the entire plane, as the Asian fruit’s overwhelming smell, quoted by some as ‘reeking of garbage stink’, could overcome the other personnel and endanger the flight.

STRONG STOMACH: Obama being escorted away from Air Force One

“We are truly sorry to do this to the Commander-in-Chief, but we have strict rules about toxic smells on our flights,” said the spokesperson who declined to be named. “Our job is to ensure the security of the president, but if he poses a danger to himself by consuming such thing, we have to make a stand.

“We can’t have our pilots or other staff suffocating just because Mr Obama says ‘Hi’ to them, unleashing the smell of hell unto them. Heck, I don’t think even our delicate electronic instruments could withstand such a rancid scent. A couple of his security details had to be taken to the emergency room just now when he flashed his grin at the crowd before we left the hotel,” she said.

“So, unless POTUS is willing to spend the entire flight to Manila wearing a biohazard suit, we simply cannot allow him on the plane. No way.”

NOT FOR EVERYONE: The ‘musang king’ durian

Met at the lounge, Mr Obama said that he could not resist having a go at the durians he saw by the side of the road as his entourage drove by, as ‘it brought back happy memories of his growing up years in Indonesia’.

“I was just enjoying the ride, Skyping to Michelle and the kids when I saw it — a huge, beautiful pile of Musang King durian being sold by an old Chinese fellow,” said Obama, in between chewing spearmint gum and gargling Listerine vigorously. “Suddenly my head was filled with all those sweet times I spent with my buddies in my mom’s village just outside Jakarta in 1967. Jumping into rivers buck naked and picking fresh mangoes and rambutans at Farmer Wak Djomo’s orchard. His durians were just divine. Golly, I LOVE Malaysia!

“I’m sorry if I caused a few hours of delay, but look, I’m the Chief. I just had to get me some.”

The entourage made the impromptu pit stop where the president spent about half an hour eating 3 durians before continuing on his journey. The flight to Manila is expected to resume in six hours, after getting clearance from Hazmat personnel.

The durian seller, Mr Denny Lim, 67, said that while he was initially surprised by the VIP visit to his fruit stall, he felt honoured and glad to see a durian lover rediscovering his roots.

“At first I thought I was in trouble with polis one,” said Mr Lim. “The big black cars passed by with polis bike and all, then they all stopped and reversed. These big, big white men came and surrounded me, and then this black man came, bought 2 durians, squatted beside me and started opening them. He looked like he hadn’t had durians for years, so I kesian and gave him one free. I think okay lor, we must treat tourist very nice-nice one. Visit Malaysia Year what.

“But he paid with US dollars, I said I got no change in US dollar, so he told me to keep the 100 dollars,” said Mr Lim smiling.

While Mr Lim is happy with the president’s durian indulgence, it is said that some others may not be as pleased. According to some other unverified sources, the order to quarantine the president came all the way from Washington DC — the First Lady herself.

“She was on video chat with him when he made the decision to make the durian pit stop,” said the source. “He didn’t tell her why he had to drop her call all of a sudden, but she saw his face, and she knew. She had seen it before when the First Couple visited an Asian store in Texas last year and chanced upon a pack of frozen durians.

“She made the call to the Secret Service with specific instructions to ‘not let POTUS in the plane until he gets rid of that wretched breath’, and between offending the president or pissing off his wife, we knew the better option.”

Malaysia offers assistance to problem-plagued Sochi

KUALA LUMPUR — Malaysia has extended an offer to Sochi to help host the XXII Winter Olympic Games, in light of the Russian city’s apparent lack of readiness in organising the event as tweeted by unhappy global media representatives who arrived in their hotels only to find toilets, doors, power outlets and other basic amenities in sorry state.

Speaking at Sri Perdana today, Prime Minister YAB Dato’ Sri Mohd Najib Razak said that the widely-known problems faced by the organisers prompted him to come up with the idea of holding the winter games in Malaysia, seeing how “we should always help our neighbours who are in trouble”.

“It broke my heart when I read all those mean tweets and unflattering pictures of construction materials in hotel rooms, yellow-coloured tap water and non-functioning toilet seats,” said Najib. “I know how hard it is to organise an event like this, and I asked myself, what can we do to help a nation in need?

“Suddenly I had an epiphany — if they’re not ready, we’ll do it for them!”

The PM pointed out that Malaysia has all the necessary facilities, infrastructure and weather conditions to run the winter olympics.

“We have so many hotels, all ready to accept the huge number of guests, seeing how it’s not peak period in our tourist calendar. Our airports are primed to receive all our visitors without problem,” said Najib, adding that while KLIA 2 may not be completely functional, “it’s no more ‘complete’ than the Sochi facilities, so it’s not a major step-down for the would-be passengers”.

“Fine, we have summer-based stadiums as opposed to the ice-based facilities in Sochi, but it’s nothing that a little adaptation to the tools cannot fix. How hard is it to change from skis to wheels?”

The PM said that for winter sport events that ‘really, really need’ ice or snow, there are available private facilities which can be used.

An artist’s impression of an adapted bobsledding

“We have a few winter-based theme parks and arenas for that. The Winter Wonderland at i-City is a marvelous spot that can handle all the wintery stuff people from Canada, Russia, Europe and other icy-places want. The ice-skating rinks at Sunway Pyramid and Mutiara Damansara are also open for business, what more do you want?

“Plus, I don’t see why our world-famous water slides can’t handle the bobsled and luge events,” he added. “In fact, I think the sport will be much more interesting when the sleds end up in the pool of water, creating huge, gigantic splashes. So the points can be based not only on speed, but also on the size of the water splashes.”

Najib, telling the media that he’ll be contacting his counterpart in Moscow to discuss the relocation of the venue, medals as well as tools and officials, also said that those who worried about the stifling heat of Malaysia’s tropical climate need not fret.

“All our facilities are air-conditioned, or at least equipped with good fans and ice-cream stalls,” he said reassuringly. “And in case you don’t remember, the recent ‘cold draft’ that brought down the temperatures in some parts of Malaysia has not left us. You’d still need those nice, thick jackets to walk around in those chilly nights.

“We’re cool.”

Ibrahim Ali appointed Minister of Awesomeness

KUALA LUMPUR — PERKASA president and all-around perfect guy Datuk Ibrahim Ali today expressed his gratitude and happiness to be included in Prime Minister Datuk Seri Najib Razak’s new cabinet line-up, heading the newly set-up Ministry of Awesomeness (Kementerian Kedahsyatan).

Speaking at a Press conference filled with journalists awed by his overwhelming awesomeness, Ibrahim said that his perfect, manly and chiseled figure, coupled with his stunning and flawless facial structure, made him the ideal candidate for the post.

OVERWHELMING AWESOMENESS: Ibrahim showing his hyper-awesome aura

“I don’t want to brag, but I am the obvious choice to head the ministry in charge of everything awesome in the country,” said Ibrahim confidently. “It’s natural selection.”

Oozing with greatness, the supreme leader continued, “No other leader exudes the level of perfection that I nonchalantly display. Try as they may, but they all pale in comparison. It’s not their fault, really. I’m just born this way.

“I mean, have you seen this?” he asked, flashing his ripped biceps to the pleasure of the ladies in the room and abject horror of the male reporters squirming in shame.

“Other people need to put in a lot of effort to be as outstanding, sexy and desirable but I, well, I just have to be me,” he added, his face glowing radiantly with love and magic.

Ibrahim also said that his appointment by the PM was not only due to his physical perfection, but his unparalleled substance too.

“I know it’s hard to believe, but the PM really looked past my good physical features in picking me for the job. He said to me, ‘Ibrahim, I want a cabinet that is more than skin deep, so please don’t get upset that I’m not looking at you directly when speaking to you. I don’t want to be swayed by your good looks.’

BIG RESPONSIBILITY: The new Ministry of Awesomeness

“I told him that I understood his need to have ministers with substance, and I fully respected that. Fortunately, I have unsurpassed intelligence and unchallenged moral compass, so that didn’t affect his decision to exclude physical beauty in his assessment,” said Ibrahim reflectively, as vapours eminated from his head due to his brain working beyond normal human capacity.

The handsome specimen of the perfect human being said that he would ensure that his ministry makes Malaysia  more awesome.

“The target is clear, make Malaysia a High Awesomeness Nation by 2020,” he said. “The rakyat have spoken, and the message is clear: they want to live in an awesome country, where everyone can be a little awesome too. The PM had promised that we SHALL be awesome, so I will ensure this Janji gets Ditepati.

“As such, I will use my limitless super-sapien abilities and personal experience being awesome to initiate projects that will benefit everyone, regardless of race, religion, social- and economic standing as well as political affiliation,” he affirmed, tears of joy and commitment streaming down his smooth cheeks. “I will work tirelessly to ensure that we all will have perfect lives, with absolutely nothing to complain about.

“I am the Awesome Minister for ALL Malaysians. I, am yours.”

Haze blamed on too much bullshit

KUALA LUMPUR — Scientists have confirmed that the thick haze engulfing parts of the Klang Valley is caused by the massive amount of lies, empty promises and misrepresentations generated by different parties in society.

NAUSEATING: The bullshit-caused haze enveloping the city

“It’s really all BS,” said Prof. Kamisah Mat Bahrom, lead researcher at Universiti Malaya’s Institut Penyelidikan Alam Sekitar dan Pencemaran. “The plumes of toxic, nauseating smoke that permeate every crevice in the city are a direct result — nay, direct product — of the crap coming out of people’s mouths, especially politicians and the media from all sides, plus quick-rich scheme con artists.

“For years, we were under the impression that the haze is caused by the dry spell exacerbated by ‘hot spots’ of open burning in Indonesia,” said Prof Kamisah. “In actuality, while the fires do contribute to the smoke we breathe every day, most of it is just filthy, unadulterated hot air coming from dishonest mouths and mouthpieces. If you think about it, it’s quite disgusting, not to mention downright unhygienic.”

She continued, “From empty election promises, slander and exaggerated descriptions by politicians, from one-sided media reporting from all sides of the many divides, the obvious bullshit spewed by individuals with fancy titles selling alternative medicines, ingenious solutions to virtually any problem and the moronic stuff said by some so-called celebrities in the rags, it’s amazing how Malaysians have tolerated such crap for such a long time. Bullshit should be a national heritage.”

Prof. Kamisah said that the findings were derived from a project initiated in 2004 that measured and analysed the almost annual occurrence afflicting Klang Valley and at times, the whole country.

“Our team, working with the some international environmental bodies, placed sensors all over Malaysia to collect the polluted air, to merely confirm our hypothesis that the haze is caused by irresponsible open burning. However, beginning 2006, while the satellite images showed that the hot spots around the region did contribute to the smog, we noticed that the samples did not resemble any type of smoke typically originating from forest or agricultural land clearing fires. That was when we expanded our research to find the root cause.”

The researcher said that after 6 years scouring the data, the team reached their conclusion.

“We were, of course, surprised by our findings,” said Prof. Kamisah. “While we’ve all been used to listening to bullshit, horsecrap and hot air coming out of politicians, con artists and the different media, we didn’t think it would be anything that would affect our health. But the research says it all, bullshit kills!” she said angrily, showing the reams of data and charts validating her claim.

“Sadly we cannot reduce the amount or quality of bullshit the country produces every day,” she continued, looking forlorn. “However, our team recommends a two-prong approach to tackling the situation — Protect and Repurpose.

PROTECT: Our young must be educated to filter the dirty bullcrap, validate the information and form their own truths and opinions

“By ‘Protect’, we need to somehow inculcate in our population, especially the young, that they shouldn’t believe everything they hear, see or read. In addition to proper face masks to filter the polluted air, they need to be educated to sift the truths, half-truths and the complete bull dung when dealing with the daily load of ‘news’, ‘advice’ and ‘opinions’ by people especially public figures. They need to be critical and analytical, so that they’re not easily swayed and used like some herd of cows,” said the researcher animatedly.

“And secondly, since we cannot reduce the production of bullshit-induced haze, my team suggests that we use it as an alternative and sustainable energy source. I mean, our nation produces at least 750 million tonnes of bullshit annually, it’d be a waste and even irresponsible to let it dissipate back to nature.”

Prof. Kamisah then showed an artist’s rendition of the “BS reactor”, a large vacuum suction connected to a series of underground facilities that could process the BS-haze and turn it into electrical energy.

REPURPOSE: The team’s proposed BS-haze vacuum hole connected to underground energy reactors

“Our international partners and our institute have put together a grand plan to build 30 such vacuum holes all around the city. We believe that at full mobilisation, the new BS-haze energy could not only contribute significantly to our energy needs and reduce our reliance on coal-based power plants, it can even be exported to our neighbours, creating wealth for our country.

“It may not be ‘clean energy’, what with the dirty lies and horse shit. But it is green, abundant, and absolutely safe. This will be Malaysia’s legacy to mother earth.”

Malaysia beats Arsenal 25,741 – 0

KUALA LUMPUR — In what many pundits considered a ‘grossly unfair match’, Malaysia’s national football squad tonight beat visiting English Premier League club Arsenal 25,741-nil, with most of the goals scored in the last 15 minutes.
The Malayan Tigers began their onslaught on the oblivious-looking Gunners right from the start, when Mohd Aidil Zafuan shot from the middle of the field squarely into the helpless Gunners’ goal. None of the visitors could do anything, seeing how the ball travelled at the speed of light.
Half a minute later, the ball found its way into Arsenal’s goal yet again, when Zafuan’s mental powers willed it away from the feet of Aaron Ramsey and travelled past goalie Wojciech Szczesny right into the net.
Roughly two seconds later, Kunalan Subramaniam stole the ball from a shocked Carl Jenkinson, dribbled playfully around the superstar and shot nonchalantly, while blindfolded, into the visitors’ net.
And by the time the score went past the five thousand mark nearing half time, Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger knew that the fight was over. Throwing his arms into the air hopelessly, he took off his pants as a sign of defeat and left the Stadium Malawati to express his disgust.
The humiliation by Malaysia XI continued in the second half, the home team deciding not to let the visitors off easy. As the Gunners looked on dejectedly, envying the Tigers’ almost magical footballing skills, the local boys had a feast, scoring an average of 138 goals a minute. By this time, no one kept track of who scored the goals — everyone on the field wearing the black and yellow jersey had a ball, pun intended.
As the whistle blew, head coach Datuk Rajagopal was seen waking up from his nap and going onto the field, consoling the Arsenal players, who were mostly crying their eyes out and collapsing in shame.
In the post match Press conference, Rajagopal said that he was generally pleased with his boys’ performance, but cautioned them not to be complacent when facing two more EPL teams, Liverpool and Chelsea, visiting in a few weeks’ time.
“While this was sort of a ‘warm up game’ tonight, I expect the Tigers to put more effort in thrashing the English teams,” said Rajagopal. “I’ve told them, no less than a hundred thousand goals for each game.”

Justin Bieber KL concert stopped halfway after his voice breaks

A GROWN UP NOW: Bieber performing minutes before his voice changed

Oh I can’t believe I have to do this: NOTE: his piece of ‘news’ is fake. A sick joke. Just like this WHOLE BLOGSITE. Please do NOT belieb– I mean, believe it as true. Thanks.

KUALA LUMPUR — The much anticipated and sold-out concert of uber teeny-bopper Youtube sensation Justin Bieber in Malaysia was unexpectedly cut short after the Canadian singer’s voice finally broke, and he became a man.

Bieber, 17, who was discovered on video-sharing site Youtube in 2008 is known for his high-pitched voice, which betrayed his true age. His songs receive extensive airplay and earning him extraordinary exposure, mostly due to his child-like voice.

“We’re very sorry, especially to all the ‘Beliebers’ out there, and particularly to those who attended the concert, that this had to happen,” said Ng Chong Wan, a representative of the concert organiser SkinnyGirlz Sdn Bhd. “The timing could have been better, of course but really, you can’t help it if mother nature decided to turn you from a little boy into a mature man while you’re on stage, performing in front of 15,000 screaming fans. I mean, this caught us off guard too.”

The blonde-haired heartthrob had gone through about 45 minutes of his two-hour scheduled performance when all of a sudden, in the middle of performing his hit single Somebody To Love, he began coughing lightly before choking for a bit, and continued singing in a deep, almost Darth Vader-like voice, much to the chagrin of the stunned audience. The music stopped as the crowd stood in silence, and Mr Bieber was quietly escorted backstage before organisers announced the end of the concert and ushered the audience out. Teenage girls were crying and wailing uncontrollably.

“It was horrible,” said Sarah Yen, 13, who came with her two sisters and mother to catch her idol. “At first I didn’t believe it, but when they told us that Justin was ‘sick’ and couldn’t continue the show, I felt like dying.

“He’s finally grown up! The moment that we’ve all been dreading all these while, arrived without mercy. Justin is now a man. A grown up! What do I do now?” she asked, in between teary sobs, hugging her visibly upset mother.

“It’s both historic and sad, I guess,” said Henry Yap, 21, who bought two tickets to the concert as a birthday present for his girlfriend. “I’m happy to see that the boy can finally act — and sound — his age, it’s something that all guys are supposed to go through, but I’m kind of sad to see his career as a child star cut short like this. Especially in front of so many people.”

Ng, meanwhile, refused to comment whether this voice cracking meant the end of Bieber’s amazing rise from a small-town Youtube star to an international megastar worth an estimated US$100 million.

“Look, we’re just the organisers, you’ll need to ask his label or his management about that. We’ve got enough to worry about — people are going to ask if we’re going to refund half the money, since Justin only performed half a concert. Understandably we’ll have to refer to our legal people. These are not exactly ordinary circumstances.

“Whatever it is, we’ll continue to support Justin Bieber’s career where ever this ‘new development’ takes him. Acting? We’ll promote him. Modelling? He’s still very cute, although not for long, considering that he’ll be growning more facial hair now that he’s a proper man.

“Even if he’ll have to appeal to a more mature market after this, we’ll be more than happy to bring him back to KL. Even tenors and baritones have fans in Malaysia.”

MACC teams up with McD to speed up investigations

FAST & FURIOUS: The fearsome MaccDonald's

KUALA LUMPUR — Amid calls to speed up investigations, the Malaysian Anti Corruption Commission (MACC) has announced that it was forming a joint venture with global franchise McDonald’s, in hopes that it could adopt the fast-food restaurant’s record speedy delivery model. The new, rebranded and streamlined investigation venture, set up to tackle high profile cases, will be referred to as MaccDonald’s™.

In a Press conference held at the commission’s headquarters in Putrajaya earlier today, MACC Chief Commissioner Y. Bhg. Dato’ Haji Abu Kassim bin Mohamed said that this move was necessary, seeing the rise in high profile cases and the heightening public scrutiny.

“We realised the importance of not only solving corruption cases, but to do it in a timely fashion,” said Abu Kassim. “Ever since our bureau days, we’ve always placed speed and accuracy as equal priorities when it comes to putting an end to corruption, but now the need is even more dire. With more and more high profile cases cropping up, people expect more from us, and it is understandable. And that is why we’re forming this alliance with McDonald’s to streamline our processes and get results faster.”

McDonald’s Malaysia managing director Sarah Casanova said that the company is proud to partner with an organisation such as the MACC. “Our mission has always been to provide our customers with wholesome, healthy and clean dining experience. And nothing says ‘clean’ better than an anti-corruption commission.

“Throughout the years, McDonald’s has perfected the art and science of delivery to ensure that our customers get their nutritious and delicious meals as fast as possible, from the time they order,” she added. “With this new partnership with MACC, we’ll be imparting our experience and knowledge to the corruption-busting industry. We consider this our civic duty, and are very proud to be part of this initiative. Kudos to the good people at MACC.”

ABU KASSIM: We aim to deliver justice fast

Abu Kassim said that initially, the new crack fast-investigation unit will be based in Putrajaya, dealing with cases in the federal territories. “We’ll begin with cases with national interest, such as bribery allegations against senior government officers, GLC personalities or politicians. We aim to clear the backlog of federal cases before we expand into other states. Of course, with the new fast-investigation system in place, I believe we’ll be able to clear or convict people within days, and not months or years as some cases go now.”

Abu Kassim said that if this venture goes well, the MaccDonald’s units, or ‘MaccD™’, will not only be set up in other MACC branches, but also would handle smaller cases, such as bribery cases involving lower-ranked officers.

“Bribery and corruption is wrong, whether the value is billions of ringgit, or just the RM50 you pay to get out of a traffic offence trouble,” said Abu Kassim, sternly. “Corruption and dishonesty is the root cause of the downfall of civillisations. We at MACC — and the MaccD — take every case seriously.”

GOOD, CLEAN FUN: Ronald MaccDonald

Among the new services planned for the MaccD unit include a 24-hour drive-through corruption reporting window at all McDonald’s outlets. “We’re making it easier for people to report instances of corruption,” said Abu Kassim, as Ronald McDonald, McDonald’s mascot clown, ‘arrested’ the Hamburglar, another mascot, for trying to ‘bribe’ him with a delicious double cheeseburger, amid laughter and applause from the amused audience.

“Every report that results in an arrest and conviction will also be rewarded special coupons, valid for a whole year,” said Abu Kassim. “The coupon value will depend of the value of the corruption, of course, and can be redeemed with any of MaccDonald’s special edition MaccValue Meals™,” he added as he bit into a Big Macc. “Wow, busting corruption is SO yummy!”

Abu Kassim also said that he aims to begin the MaccDelivery service by next year, which promises to investigate, prosecute and convict wrongdoers within 30 minutes. “If we’re late, you’ll get your money back, guaranteed.”

Ibrahim Ali is Superkasa

KUALA LUMPUR — In a move to boost its powers, the independent-but-BN-friendly Pertubuhan Pribumi Perkasa (Perkasa), an NGO championing bumiputra rights today annouced that its president, Datuk Ibrahim Ali, has been elevated to superhero status, and he will from now on be known throughout the universe as ‘Superkasa’.

FUAD: Superkasa's da man!

Speaking at a Press Conference at its Federal Territory headquarters in Sg. Besi, Perkasa deputy president Datuk Fuad Hassan said that this move was in line with the organisation’s goal of influencing policies in the country and the region.

“Since our inception in September 2008, Perkasa has strived to fight for the rights bumiputras,” said Fuad, as his exco members smiled and nodded in unison. “We have notched quite a few commendable achievements so far, with many memoranda handed out to different people, police reports made against those ungrateful fools who dared to speak in disrespect to the pribumis, and several high-profile pickets and demonstrations in front of embassies to show our dissatisfaction. Very big and impressive displays, I must say.

“But all our efforts pale in comparison to what our Great President, Datuk Ibrahim Ali, has achieved just by being himself.

“His super-supreme leadership, far-sightedness, global vision and not to mention his charming and infectious personality has elevated Perkasa from a small NGO to a national force, nay, a universal force,” he added.

“He da man.”

Fuad then elaborated by listing down Ibrahim’s many positive attributes, from his soul-penetrating gaze to his rib-tickling guffaw.

“But the best — and most important — thing about our Great President, is that he is intelligent beyond reproach. A sheer genius. His smarts simply blows us away. He could sneeze and we’d be left paralysed in awe of his profoundness.

“So, we have decided to accord him with a status befitting a super-man like him. He is now… Superkasa!” proclaimed Fuad loudly, as technicians dimmed the room lights, replacing them with multi-coloured spotlights focused on one corner. There, as a traditional Gamelan group enthusiastically played the theme song from Superman, a shrouded figure emerged amid the dry ice smoke, shocking all those present. As the smoke cleared, the figure removed his robe, revealing a superheroisque, muscular and utterly incredible Ibrahim, smiling majestically.

MAJESTIC: Superkasa with his Keris Kebenaran

“I… AM… SUPERKASAAAAA!” yelled Ibrahim in a deep but melodious baritone voice, his sexy, ripping muscles causing several female reporters to faint, bodies twitching in ecstasy.

Ibrahim then swaggered to the front of the room to join the other exco members, making sure to flash his beautiful smile at everyone and flexed his biceps every other step before sitting down.

“Firstly, I must apologise for being too incredible,” said Superkasa, gesturing towards the Perkasa staff reviving the unconscious female journalists. “I understand that my greatness can be overwhelming. Being the supersexy, ultimate Jantan Melayu does have its drawbacks, at least to other people,” he added, his genius sense of humour drawing laughter from all those present.

Fuad continued, “As you can witness, our super President now is even better than before, and he will lead Perkasa into the next century and beyond!”

Moving his left and right chest muscles up and down alternately as he spoke, Ibrahim/Superkasa said, “This is indeed an honour for me. As Ibrahim Ali, even though I was the epitome of greatness, I had my limits. I was a mere human being. A weak homo sapien. With my wits, intelligence and charm, I could only move people.

“But now, I can move mountains!” he proclaimed, as he lifted the heavy oak table in front of him with his two index fingers. He then humbly said that his new superpowers include the ability to shoot killer laser rays from his eyes, the power to stupefy enemies with killer pantun verses, the ability to extract the kind of truths that he wants to hear (with his Keris Kebenaran), and, by putting on and taking off his majestic songkok, the ability to jump political divides with amazing speed.

“I… AM… SUPERKASAAAAAAAAAAAA!” he further exclaimed.

As the audience again got excited with a few more female reporters writhing in uncontrolable pleasure, Superkasa sat down and said, “Calm down, citizens. My powers and greatness is not merely for creating pleasure, but have a serious purpose.

“It is my duty to further the objectives of Perkasa. With my new superpowers, I promise you this: I shall ensure that our goals are met.

“Our enemies shall relent, and give us what we want. We shall get whatever it is we’re looking for, by coaxing or coersion!

“For I… AM… SUUUUPEEERRKAAAASAAAAAAAA!!” exclaimed Ibrahim/Superkasa yet again for the final time, his eyes glowing with hope and fury as he floated over the table, across the room and out the door, to the Gamelan music of The Final Countdown and the audience’s cheers, marking the end of the Press Conference.

Non-sodomy happenings cease as Sodomy II trial begins

NOTHING ELSE MATTERS: Anwar and Azizah at the courthouse

KUALA LUMPUR — As the much anticipated criminal trial of opposition leader Datuk Seri Anwar Ibrahim began today, everything in Malaysia not related to the proceedings either paused until further notice, or has abruptly ceased to exist. The trial, presided by Justice Datuk Mohamad Zabidin Mohd Diah, will be the only thing that happens in the country anywhere for the next few weeks to a few months, giving other interesting things in life a much-needed break and time off.

THE ACCUSER: Saiful

Anwar, the Parti Keadilan Rakyat advisor and Permatang Pauh MP, is accused of sodomising his former aide Mohd Saiful Bukhari Azlan at Unit 11-5-1, Kondominium Desa Damansara, Jalan Setiakasih, Bukit Damansara, between 3.01pm and 4.30pm on June 26, 2008. He is charged under section 377B of the Penal Code which carries a maximum 20-year jail term and whipping, if convicted.

Checks around the capital city and other spots in the country revealed a surreal calm as the population went about their lives without anything interesting — or even mildly sensational — happening. In some areas, things which would normally be considered newsworthy like dirty restaurants or broken signboards have been replaced by white space, not worthy of any attention. This has somewhat affected news organisations.

“We anticipated the impossibly high level of newsworthiness of the trial about a year-and-a-half ago,” said Datuk Azman Ujang, editor-in-chief of Bernama, the nation’s premiere news agency. “So we’ve restructured our manpower allocation to accommodate the new scheme of things.”

Azman added that all the journalists, photographers, camera crew and editors from the other beats, including sports, entertainment, business and lifestyle, have been put on the ‘Sodomy II’ assignment until the trial is over. “We realise that nothing happens outside of the courthouse for as long as the Anwar trial is on. The trial is the only thing that matters. Everyone will be talking only about the proceedings, at the mamak shop, the trains, the offices, over dinners and nothing else… so we at Bernama want to be the premiere source of credible information for all that talk.”

Datuk Wong Chun Wai, Group Chief Editor of The Star, meanwhile said that the publication will institute a temporary shutdown of half its operations until non-Sodomy II things come back to life.

“It doesn’t make business sense to have the mill running at full steam when most of news has disappeared and the universe centres around the trial,” said Wong. “I mean, fuck, man. No other fucking things happen, period. People say ‘no news is good news’, but for a news organisation, it’s a bummer. But that’s what happens when really important things like this takes place.

“We’ve got enough staff manning the fort and covering the event. The rest of the pages will be filled by wire services like Reuters and AP, supplying us international news, which is not affected by the trial at all.”

Meanwhile, Inspector General of Police Tan Sri Musa Hassan said that this is an opportune time for most of the police workforce to clear their annual leave days, seeing that there is no crime, accidents or any other cases for them to investigate during the trial.

“Yes, I’m still on the clock, since I’m supervising the case,” said Musa. “But the rest of my officers can get their rest, seeing that every other bad thing has ceased to exist, evil forces have paused and crime has disappeared. The whole country will have a complete and absolute peace while Anwar’s trial goes on.

“I’m kind of hoping for a long trial, so that my men will come back from their long leave refreshed,” he said.

According to media reports, the nation is holding its breath as it followed everything that happens in the courtroom at the Kuala Lumpur High Court. It is, however, not known exactly how long the nation would be able to hold its breath, although experts say that it could be quite a while, if coupled with gasps of excitement and the occasional “ooh’s” and “aah’s” by the nation’s 26 million-strong population.

Rais hurt by ‘Yorais’ jokes, plans to sue internet

RAIS: Young and hip

KUALA LUMPUR — Minister for Information, Communications, Arts and Culture Datuk Seri Utama Dr. Rais Yatim today stated that he is deeply offended by the jokes circulating about his age and announced that he will be taking legal action against the internet for what he termed as ‘a concerted effort to humiliate a young-at-heart person like me’.

It all started with a sincere advise from a well-meaning, concerned leader. But now, it has spawned a malicious and personal internet campaign that would shame anyone. And being at the receiving end of the humiliating treatment, Rais is not planning to take it lying down.

Weeks ago, Rais gave Malaysian internet users a sound advice. He said that Malaysians, especially Muslims, must avoid being totally immersed in the internet culture, especially Facebook and Twitter, adding that facilities like the internet could not be accepted wholly because it was a form of business introduced by the West and “Malaysians were just users.”

“We are not saying that they cannot use Facebook or Twitter but when using such facilities they must upkeep the values taught by Islam, Buddhism or Christianity to maintain our culture,” he told reporters after opening a Seminar on the 1Malaysia concept in Seremban.

Unfortunately, however, his sincere caution was received poorly by internet-using Malaysians, who started a Twitter and online campaign called ‘Yorais’, modelled from the ‘Yo Mama’ jokes. They began a barrage of Yorais jokes, which poked fun at his not-so-young outlook on life.

“I’ll have you all know that I’m not that old,” said Rais, thumping his chest. “I am a lot younger than many of these people think. Fine, I’ve lived through two world wars, but who hasn’t?

“They are falsely saying that I predate dinosaurs and the Jurassic era. Obviously they exaggerated. I mean, a major meteor deep impact event wiped out the dinosaurs. Now, if the dinosaurs were killed by the impact and ensuing global winter, and if I were around back then, wouldn’t I have been killed too? Use your logic!” said the minister, agitated.

“Those irresponsible Twitter people have no evidence to support what they said in that malicious campaign designed to discredit me,” he continued. “To say that I’m so old that I knew Burger King when he was still a prince? Where’s the proof? Did they get Burger King to sign a statutory declaration? Of course not! If they did, I haven’t seen it yet.”

“I’m very upset. I see this as an attack on my personal being. It’s not my fault I’m not as young as they’d like me to be. I can’t help it if at the time I was born, Australia was still part of the main Asian continent land mass. All I know is that I am still very much relevant to every Malaysian, being still young and hip,” he stressed. “Such lies! Don’t believe the online people! Online people are liars!

“That is why I will take action to protect my fellow Malaysians against the scourge of the internet. This… internet fellow — and its evil agents like Facebook and Twitter — are the West’s weapons to destroy the 1Malaysia harmony we currently enjoy in the country,” he added.

“I have spoken to my lawyers, and we plan to sue the internet, Facebook and Twitter for a grand total of RM100 million. Yes, yes. That will teach the internet a lesson. This will bury the internet. Yes.

“And it wouldn’t matter if the lawsuit goes on and on for many years. I’m still young.”