Tag Archives: najib

Malaysia offers assistance to problem-plagued Sochi

KUALA LUMPUR — Malaysia has extended an offer to Sochi to help host the XXII Winter Olympic Games, in light of the Russian city’s apparent lack of readiness in organising the event as tweeted by unhappy global media representatives who arrived in their hotels only to find toilets, doors, power outlets and other basic amenities in sorry state.

malaysia_winter_olympicsSpeaking at Sri Perdana today, Prime Minister YAB Dato’ Sri Mohd Najib Razak said that the widely-known problems faced by the organisers prompted him to come up with the idea of holding the winter games in Malaysia, seeing how “we should always help our neighbours who are in trouble”.

“It broke my heart when I read all those mean tweets and unflattering pictures of construction materials in hotel rooms, yellow-coloured tap water and non-functioning toilet seats,” said Najib. “I know how hard it is to organise an event like this, and I asked myself, what can we do to help a nation in need?

“Suddenly I had an epiphany — if they’re not ready, we’ll do it for them!”

The PM pointed out that Malaysia has all the necessary facilities, infrastructure and weather conditions to run the winter olympics.

“We have so many hotels, all ready to accept the huge number of guests, seeing how it’s not peak period in our tourist calendar. Our airports are primed to receive all our visitors without problem,” said Najib, adding that while KLIA 2 may not be completely functional, “it’s no more ‘complete’ than the Sochi facilities, so it’s not a major step-down for the would-be passengers”.

“Fine, we have summer-based stadiums as opposed to the ice-based facilities in Sochi, but it’s nothing that a little adaptation to the tools cannot fix. How hard is it to change from skis to wheels?”

The PM said that for winter sport events that ‘really, really need’ ice or snow, there are available private facilities which can be used.

An artist's impression of an adapted bobsledding

An artist’s impression of an adapted bobsledding

“We have a few winter-based theme parks and arenas for that. The Winter Wonderland at i-City is a marvelous spot that can handle all the wintery stuff people from Canada, Russia, Europe and other icy-places want. The ice-skating rinks at Sunway Pyramid and Mutiara Damansara are also open for business, what more do you want?

“Plus, I don’t see why our world-famous water slides can’t handle the bobsled and luge events,” he added. “In fact, I think the sport will be much more interesting when the sleds end up in the pool of water, creating huge, gigantic splashes. So the points can be based not only on speed, but also on the size of the water splashes.”

Najib, telling the media that he’ll be contacting his counterpart in Moscow to discuss the relocation of the venue, medals as well as tools and officials, also said that those who worried about the stifling heat of Malaysia’s tropical climate need not fret.

“All our facilities are air-conditioned, or at least equipped with good fans and ice-cream stalls,” he said reassuringly. “And in case you don’t remember, the recent ‘cold draft’ that brought down the temperatures in some parts of Malaysia has not left us. You’d still need those nice, thick jackets to walk around in those chilly nights.

“We’re cool.”

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Ibrahim Ali appointed Minister of Awesomeness

KUALA LUMPUR — PERKASA president and all-around perfect guy Datuk Ibrahim Ali today expressed his gratitude and happiness to be included in Prime Minister Datuk Seri Najib Razak’s new cabinet line-up, heading the newly set-up Ministry of Awesomeness (Kementerian Kedahsyatan).

Speaking at a Press conference filled with journalists awed by his overwhelming awesomeness, Ibrahim said that his perfect, manly and chiseled figure, coupled with his stunning and flawless facial structure, made him the ideal candidate for the post.

OVERWHELMING AWESOMENESS: Ibrahim showing his hyper-awesome aura

OVERWHELMING AWESOMENESS: Ibrahim showing his hyper-awesome aura

“I don’t want to brag, but I am the obvious choice to head the ministry in charge of everything awesome in the country,” said Ibrahim confidently. “It’s natural selection.”

Oozing with greatness, the supreme leader continued, “No other leader exudes the level of perfection that I nonchalantly display. Try as they may, but they all pale in comparison. It’s not their fault, really. I’m just born this way.

“I mean, have you seen this?” he asked, flashing his ripped biceps to the pleasure of the ladies in the room and abject horror of the male reporters squirming in shame.

“Other people need to put in a lot of effort to be as outstanding, sexy and desirable but I, well, I just have to be me,” he added, his face glowing radiantly with love and magic.

Ibrahim also said that his appointment by the PM was not only due to his physical perfection, but his unparalleled substance too.

“I know it’s hard to believe, but the PM really looked past my good physical features in picking me for the job. He said to me, ‘Ibrahim, I want a cabinet that is more than skin deep, so please don’t get upset that I’m not looking at you directly when speaking to you. I don’t want to be swayed by your good looks.’

BIG RESPONSIBILITY: The new Ministry of Awesomeness

BIG RESPONSIBILITY: The new Ministry of Awesomeness

“I told him that I understood his need to have ministers with substance, and I fully respected that. Fortunately, I have unsurpassed intelligence and unchallenged moral compass, so that didn’t affect his decision to exclude physical beauty in his assessment,” said Ibrahim reflectively, as vapours eminated from his head due to his brain working beyond normal human capacity.

The handsome specimen of the perfect human being said that he would ensure that his ministry makes Malaysia  more awesome.

“The target is clear, make Malaysia a High Awesomeness Nation by 2020,” he said. “The rakyat have spoken, and the message is clear: they want to live in an awesome country, where everyone can be a little awesome too. The PM had promised that we SHALL be awesome, so I will ensure this Janji gets Ditepati.

“As such, I will use my limitless super-sapien abilities and personal experience being awesome to initiate projects that will benefit everyone, regardless of race, religion, social- and economic standing as well as political affiliation,” he affirmed, tears of joy and commitment streaming down his smooth cheeks. “I will work tirelessly to ensure that we all will have perfect lives, with absolutely nothing to complain about.

“I am the Awesome Minister for ALL Malaysians. I, am yours.”


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MPs to wear GPS ankle tags to combat absenteeism

NAJIB: Disappointed with absent MPs

KUALA LUMPUR — Prime Minister Datuk Seri Najib Tun Abdul Razak today announced that all members of parliament would be required to wear permanent ankle tags with global positioning capabilities, in line with the government’s efforts to ensure that MPs attend parliament sittings. This is due to a close call a couple of days ago when the 2010 Budget narrowly escaped being rejected, with 66 BN MPs voting for it, while 63 Pakatan MPs against. BN has 140 MPs in total while Pakatan, 82.

At a packed Press conference outside Dewan Rakyat, Najib said that the move was necessary to counter rising absenteeism in parliament sittings.

“I’ve always tolerated members of parliament who need to skip the sittings once in a while, perhaps to attend to affairs in their constituencies,” said the PM. “But when an MP is missing half the time, then he or she’s just makan gaji buta (getting money for nothing).”

Najib added that with the US-made device, no MP would be able to lie about where they are, since their location would be monitored by a newly set up task force under the minister in charge of parliament, Datuk Seri Mohd Nazri Abdul Aziz.

“We’d be able to tell if an MP is playing truant. The device can pinpoint exactly where they are, so if they say they can’t make it to a sitting because they’re busy helping some poor farmer get his buffalo out from some dried mudhole, they’d better not be fibbing. We’d know if they’re having a massage in some hotel or catching New Moon at a cineplex,” stressed the BN chairman.


Najib also said that, if need be, he would order the country’s spy satellites to monitor and capture the image of the MPs and their wherabouts.

“This would only be reserved to the hard-core absentees, of course. Like how the traffic police uses cameras to catch road offenders in action, we’d do the same with our errant MPs. In fact, here’s an example of such aerial spy images, taken just five minutes ago,” said the PM, showing a screenshot of an MP from Negri Sembilan having a smoke outside the parliament building. “As you can see, with such details, no MP would be able to lie about their activities. Heck, you can even tell the brand of the ciggie he’s holding!”

Asked if the GPS monitoring system can really get the MPs to attend sittings, Najib admitted that simply monitoring is not enough and that better enforcement is necessary.

“We’re considering some punitive actions against MPs who still don’t attend sittings,” said Najib. “These people are paid to not just serve their constituencies and campaign for re-elections, but also to work as parliamentarians formulating national policies. That means they have to spend some quality time in the House.

“There are several options, ranging from warning memos to pay deductions. My personal recommendation for these hard-core absentees is to add on remote-controlled electric shocks to their tags. The kind you find in Taser guns. After 3 cases of unwarranted absence, BZOOTT! he laughed.

“That’ll motivate them to attend sittings.”


Filed under National News

Sabah & Sarawak to be relocated

KUALA LUMPUR — In an effort to strengthen national unity and in line with the 1Malaysia concept, Prime Minister Datuk Seri Mohd Najib Tun Razak announced today that the East Malaysian states of Sabah and Sarawak would be moved to the peninsula.

BEFORE: Sabah and Sarawak in their current location

Speaking at a Press conference after a Cabinet meeting, Najib said that the relocation was necessary to ensure that the nation’s different peoples would not have any more physical boundaries to mix around.

“We’ve had the vast South China Sea separating the two Malaysias for the longest time now,” said the Prime Minister excitedly. “It’s time to close the gap, and allow our different races, tribes and cultures to naturally immerse with one another.”

The relocation plan is scheduled to start next year, with reclamation works commencing in May.

AFTER: The new, unified '1Malaysia' Malaysia

“It’s a big project, costing well over RM850 trillion,” said Najib. “The project would take 10 years to complete, since we’d need to move all the soil, water sources, flora, fauna, man-made structures and of course, the people. But it’ll be worth it, since we’ll truly be 1Malaysia.”

The two huge states, spanning nearly 200,000 square kilometres, are now part of the greater Borneo island together with Brunei Darussalam and the part of Indonesia called Kalimantan, but would be joined with the eastern side of Peninsular Malaysia.

“The states would be reconstructed almost exactly identical to how they are now,” said Najib. “This would ensure that the natives would not feel ‘out of place’ when they move back to their relocated homes.

“Of course, we might ‘improve’ some things when we rebuild the states. We’re thinking, maybe Mount Kinabalu could be higher than Everest. I mean, why not? It’s not every day that you get to change what nature has given us.

“And if we take the soil from inside Gua Niah and use it to add on Mount Kinabalu’s height, we’d get both a bigger cave and taller mountain, effectively rewriting two Guinness World Records. Now that’s what I call value for money!”

Asked what the neighbouring Brunei and Indonesia had to say about the move, Najib said that he had discussed the issues with the leaders of both nations.

“His Majesty the Sultan of Brunei did ask me why we were taking Sabah and Sarawak away, leaving his kingdom just a group of tiny islands in the middle of the South China Sea. The Indonesian president also voiced his concern,” said the PM.

“However, I told them that we all need to ‘hijrah’ to better ourselves, and that neighbours move away all the time. And I also reassured them that although we may be physically further after this, we would always be close in our hearts. They were very understanding.

“Besides, after this, there’d be no more issue of illegal smuggling across the borders and such.”

On protests by the Kelantan state government, citing the ‘loss of a coastline’ and ‘off-shore petroleum’, Najib said that this is of national interest, and the opposition-held state administration should not be so selfish.

“These people simply refuse to understand the importance of 1Malaysia. They keep on looking a the small things like the death of their fishing industry or the loss of billions of ringgit of income.

“Serves the Kelantanese people right for voting in such small-minded leaders.”


Filed under National News

Malaysia to triple length of ‘Crooked Bridge’

The double-looped Scenic Bridge proposal

The double-looped Scenic Bridge proposal

KUALA LUMPUR — Malaysian Prime Minister Datuk Seri Najib Tun Razak today announced that plans for the new link between the country and its neighbour Singapore was now back in the picture, and that the ‘Scenic Bridge’, named for its curved design that allows for large ships to pass below, was going to be three times the length, with a double loop. This announcement completely reversed, with a vengeance, the decision by his predecessor Tun Abdullah Badawi, who cancelled the construction of the bridge citing economic concerns.

The idea of the new bridge, also called ‘Crooked Bridge’ by some quarters, was originally mooted by Abdullah’s predecessor, former Prime Minister Tun Mahathir Mohamed, who saw the need to replace the 1.056km Causeway, which has linked Malaysia with the island republic for the last 85 years. The new bridge was also seen as an advantage for Malaysia’s ports in the state of Johore, as, since the Tebrau Strait would now be accessible by commercial ships plying the paths between Asia and the West, they would not have to travel further south to Singapore for a stopover.

The new bridge, a 3.4km triple-curve, double loop, split-level behemoth, is designed “with the original Crooked Bridge spirit in mind, only three times more spirited”, according to Najib.

“It was too good of a project to cancel in the first place,” said Najib at a Press Conference annoucing the latest decision in Putrajaya. “All the bilateral discussions we’ve had with Singapore, unresolved they may be, would have been wasted if we simply scrapped it. We put in a whole lot of effort, political energy and money into getting it started, so we might as well see it through. And I’m someone who likes to get a job done.”

When asked why the bridge was to be elongated three times the original design length, Najib said that it was to “increase the scenic value” of the structure, and “also to make up to the grand old man for cancelling it”.

“We’re talking about our national pride here,” said the PM. “We’re talking about Malaysia Boleh, and in that spirit, we want the biggest, longest, most impressive things, especially if we’re going to thumb our noses to those tight folks on the other side. They can keep their stupid causeway. Big deal.

“Well, we can’t call the bridge ‘Scenic’ if it’s just going to be a simple curve over the strait, can we? We want commuters to experience the real scenery, with more value for the toll they pay.”

The project has been awarded to the company originally contracted to build the bridge, Gerbang Perdana, at a budget of between RM10 billion to RM15 billion, depending on weather, economic climate and mood.

“Why settle for a simple Crooked Bridge when you can get it at three times the length at ten times the price?” he said, laughing as the bewildered Press nodded in agreement.

Singaporean officials, when contacted, refused to comment, with one official overheard only muttering a soft “Holy Crap.”

The project is set to start immediately, beginning with a study trip to all the countries in the world that have bridges, for a 200-strong Malaysian delegation of engineers, PM’s Department officials and their families.


Filed under National News

Najib announces his cabinet

NAJIB: Strict criteria in choosing cabinet
NAJIB: Strict criteria in choosing cabinet

PUTRAJAYA — Amid wide public speculation and curiosity, Prime Minister Datuk Seri Najib Tun Razak officially announced his choice of cabinet today, after taking over the premier’s post from Tun Abdullah Badawi over a week ago. Najib, Malaysia’s 6th PM, had decided on a two-door/three-drawer version measuring 7′ (L) by 3′(H), made from fine teak wood, to hold his television, hi-fi set, and DVD collection at his living room in Sri Perdana.

The cabinet, designed by Italian furniture specialist Cassina, was one of the 55 cabinets which were being considered by the premier, which included premium models from IKEA, Macy’s and Kinheng.
Sri Perdana spokesperson Jamilah Ujang told the media that Datuk Seri Najib arrived at the decision to get the Cassina “Heritage” Model T-520 after considering many factors that included reliability, brand value and longlastingness.
cabinet“The Prime Minister is very strict when it comes to picking furniture,” said Jamilah. “He believes that buying furniture is not just about being practical or getting something that looks good on its own. Something like a cabinet must not only reflect the owner’s personality and preferences, but must also gel with the rest of the decor.”
Jamilah added that the Prime Minister had set very strict criteria for the cabinet makers bidding for the prestigious honour of furnishing the PM’s humble abode.
“Datuk Seri Najib is very particular about quality,” said Jamilah, while distributing pictures of the cabinet. “And we’re not just talking about the quality of materials or craftmanship here. He’s also strict about the heritage and background of the manufacturer and designer — they must demonstrate clean and honourable history to be considered.
“The Prime Minister applies the same principles he demanded from vendors when he was dealing with defence contractors back in MinDef.”
The Cassina cabinet comes with a 10-year warranty for defects and a lifetime-warranty against termites, with free cleaning and re-polishing service every 5 years.


Filed under National News