IPOH, PERAK — Area man Kudin bin Kulopdin, 33, was severely reprimanded by his mother today for celebrating Labour Day, despite not doing anything remotely productive his entire life and feeding off other people to sustain his being, despite being of sound mind and having perfect health as well as fully functioning limbs.
Speaking from her home, Joyah binti Manjamon, 55, said that she felt thoroughly offended when her only child, who’s lived at her home since birth, casually wished her “Happy Labour Day” at the breakfast table while pouring milk over his bowl of Choco Pops.
“I suddenly felt a sharp pain at the bottom of my gut and a burst of rage in my chest when he uttered those words,” said Joyah, who works two jobs supporting herself and her useless piece of oxygen-sucking fat & meatbag, also known as her son. “I mean, for 33 long years, Kudin’s only participation in any form of ‘labour’ has been his own birth. He hardly deserves to even utter any celebratory wish during Labour Day, a sacred holiday to honour those who actually work to make a living. The child-man still thinks showering is hard work.”
Joyah pointed to the pile of comic books and boxes of bootleg Playstation games strewn around Kudin’s room and said, “This is Kudin’s contribution to the family, and to the world. Taking my hard-earned money and spending it on the nation’s economy via comic books, video games, branded clothings and fast food. He eats so much fast food I think he bleeds tomato sauce. Thank goodness he inherited my ex-husband’s skinny genes, or else I’ve got to also worry about his weight issues.
Joyah said that she blamed the man-boy’s father for turning him into such a lazy, entitled slob.
“We had issues conceiving, so when we got him, his father used to pamper him like a golden child, giving him anything he asked for and doing virtually everything for him,” Joyah reminisced painfully. “The old man used to tell me to wash the boy’s school shoes, do his homework and clean up after him all the way through high school. I was still spoonfeeding him lunch when he was 15! A few years ago his father even gave him a supplementary credit card, even though I tried to stop him. Of course he max-ed it out in a couple of weeks; by the time his father realised his error, the damage was done — and the old prick skipped town, leaving me to deal with this piece of crap of a human being who seems to be allergic to any form of physical activity other than those that please him. The other day I told him to take out the garbage as I was leaving for work, and when I got back I found the trashcan covered with a blanket. Serves me right for saying ‘I don’t want to see this garbage bag here when I get back’.”
Kudin, defending his actions — or his inactions — said that he merely is a product of his environment and upbringing.
“In the argument between Nature versus Nurture, I’m a proponent of the latter,” he said, sifting through the large pile of clothes, a mixture of dirty laundry and freshly clean ones, for his favourite Spongebob T-shirt. “You could say that I’m like this by choice, but I can tell you that I’m a victim of my circumstances. I’m simply unable to be an active participant in society or be gainfully employed because I was conditioned to be so,” said Kudin, adding that he believes it to be a medical condition, but was too lazy to Google any sort of scientific evidence to back his opinion.
He also said that his laziness has its plus points. “You might say I’m a burden to my mom and the country and that’s a bad thing, but I beg to differ,” he iterates, while checking his teeth in the mirror to see if he needed to brush them today. “Imagine my mom’s day without me around to give her purpose — she’d be bored and sad. I fill that vacuum in her heart and give her things to do to fill up her days. And as for the country — what would our welfare industry and social sector be without me providing the need to fill? And me not having a job only means some other people can take that job — am I not being self-sacrificing here?” adding that his ‘Happy Labour Day’ wish to his mom was sincere and felt slighted that it was misinterpreted.
Joyah admitted that she has been considering kicking the parasite out of the house or other options of liberating herself from her spawn. “Frankly I don’t know how long I can do this. I do love him, despite him being less useful than a lump of cowdung. But I’ve got my limits and at 55, I still have a chance to enjoy myself, traveling the world and discovering new things.
“I’ve been thinking of selling him on e-Bay, but I’ve been told you can’t do that, so see lah how.”