KLANG — Local resident Khairudin Damat, yesterday found out what neighbours, family members and the community had known all these while: he’s a fucking moron with no hope of redemption. The loser experienced the epiphany — a life-changing clarity of mind and heart — after his own mother took out a full-page, full-colour ad in a newspaper, telling him to ‘please grow a brain’, following his failure to flush the toilet after doing his business, for the 2,837th time at the family home.
“It was definitely a humbling experience,” said Khairudin, 33, currently a bum whose last job was a live crash test dummy for automaker Proton. “I’ve been going around all my life, thinking that I was God’s gift to humanity, what with my charming looks, sixpack abs and beautiful personality. This is definitely life-altering.”
Khairudin’s journey from believing that he’s the smartest sonofabitch on the planet to realizing that he’s the dumbest, most painfully stupid piece of shit in the universe began when he left the house last weekend to go gawk at passersby with his other loser friends at Klang Parade. He had gone to take a leak minutes before, and had forgotten to put the toilet seat back in its original ‘down’ position, despite having been reprimanded by his family members numerously before.
“He’s completely hopeless,” said Puan Halimah Halim, Kahirudin’s mother. “He’s got the IQ of a dustmite. His father — God bless his soul — and I tried to send him to the best schools ever since he was a little kid, but the teachers never seemed to be able to impart any knowledge to him. The schools usually sent him back with the bill, and a lawyer’s letter warning us to never set foot in their compound again. Couldn’t believe it.
“He doesn’t do anything useful in the house, preferring to spend his time in his very, very messy room, vegetating. I’ve given up going into his room, I can’t even stand the stench. And don’t get me started with the toilet seat.
“I’ve told him to put the seat down thousands of times, but he hasn’t got it. I mean, how much brain power would it take to just remember to lift the seat? Last Saturday, however, was the last straw. He not only forgot to lift the seat, he also conveniently forgot to flush. I lost it. Hence, the newspaper ad,” she said, adding that she used the money that was meant for her retirement fund to pay for the advertisement.
“I had a bad feeling when I carried him in my womb. And when he came out, I felt like asking the doctor, ‘Can I get a refund?’,” added the housewife. “And now, after 33 years, I still can’t get rid of the fucking gnat.”
Ex-girlfriend Lisa Hanum Ibrahim agreed with Halimah’s assessment.
“”Oh. My. God. He’s an amazingly stupid, stupid bodoh. So poyo nak mampus. I fell for him dumb-guy routine — of course, later I discovered it’s not a routine — sure, but I expected some level of intelligence in there. I mean, he’s not mentally handicapped or anything.. he’s just a moron. Yeah, I know I’m also an idiot for going out with him in the first place, but come on! The numbskull couldn’t hold a decent conversation without me having to explain to him simple things like democracy or the economy,” said Lisa, angrily. “And the fact that he tought he was a genius kinda added to the moron-ness of the situation.”
Long-time neighbour Low Boon Heng said that he noticed Khairudin’s dumbassity from an early age.
“Once I saw him having an argument about the Thundercats with my pet cat. I was stunned. The cat won the argument. The poor pea-brain went home crying.”
Khairudin said that he’d need a few days to completely digest the revelation that he is stupid. “This is completely new to me, you have to understand. This effects my whole worldview and my place in society,” he muttered, looking delirious. “Maybe one day I’ll be smart. But, do I really want to be? Maybe I’m happy being an idiot. I don’t know.”