Obama excited to begin moonlighting as Indonesian president next week

WORK HARDER: Obama is quite certain he’ll be able to split his time being presidents of both countries

WASHINGTON, DC — US President Barack Obama today expressed his excitement to officially begin his second job as the President of the Republic of Indonesia on October 20th, after months successfully campaigning across the Southeast Asian country using the more localised pseudonym of ‘Joko Widodo’, and keeping it secret from his family.

Accompanied by his wife and speaking from the White House lawn to reporters this morning, President Obama said that he was really glad to be finally able to come clean about his additional occupation, and said he ‘feels no shame about holding two jobs’ to supplement his income.

“A lot of people do part-time jobs or even hold two jobs to support their families, so I don’t see why I can’t do the same,” said the Commander-in-Chief. “Times are getting harder for everyone, what with rising cost of living and staggering inflation these days, a typical wage-earner like myself cannot just depend on income from one source. One salary just ain’t enough, it’s just reality of living in an urban area.

SUPPORTIVE: The President and the First Lady during the announcement

“A recent survey has found that Washington, DC is THE most expensive city to live in. Not just in America, mind you, but the most expensive in the world. And I’ve got two growing up kids. A big house to pay for every month, with its own staff to maintain. A few cars with drivers and security detail, and not to mention a plane, plus a couple of helicopters. For a government servant like me, it can be pretty tough,” he added, as First Lady Michelle put her hand on his shoulder.

Obama’s second job will see him succeeding Susilo Bambang Yudhoyono after defeating Prabowo Subianto at the polls in a tight race, receiving 53% of the votes.

“Campaigning across Indonesia was quite a challenge,” recalled Obama, who in fact spent a few years during childhood growing up in Indonesia. “I had to dig deep into my childhood memories running around my auntie’s place in east Jakarta. All those great times picking mangosteens, jumping into streams, fishing. Fortunately I still remember some Bahasa phrases like ‘Aku Cinta Kamu’ and ‘Trima Kasih.’ I had to connect with the voters; be one of them. I had to sneak out of meetings to make video calls, record speeches. I had to fake business trips to that region so that no one could smell what I was doing. And I had to do this while not getting recognised by my team — and my wife!” adding that traditional headgears and batik, as well as a different hairdo and makeup definitely helped.

The president said that despite the demands of the jobs, he believes he would be able to split his time between the two nations.

“Both government systems are pretty well-oiled, so I don’t see any problem presiding over both administrations,” he said confidently. “In fact, I’m an advocate for flexible working arrangements, and I’ve invested quite heavily in getting myself wired in. The Oval Office is really just a symbol of my US presidency, but the fact of the matter is, with mobile technology, social media tools and cloud computing, I can work from virtually anywhere. Hey there, Big J!” said Obama as he demonstrated Skyping with his future (Indonesian) vice-president Jusuf Kalla all the way in Jakarta.

CLOSE RACE: Obama during the presidential debate with Prabowo Subianto

“The really good thing about being the leader of these two nations is that they’re on opposite sides of the world,” said Obama. “So I can focus on one country while the other goes to sleep. Pretty convenient, really, there’s little chance of me being confused about which government I’m representing at any one time.

“I’d hate to be in an awkward situation where I’m meeting, say, President Putin, and start talking about sustained development in Jawa Tengah when I should be reprimanding him about Russia’s escalating military presence in Ukraine!” he said in jest, much to the delight of those present.

The president assured the public in both nations that he would be very careful in utilising the resources given to him as head of government.

“I’m very clear with my people that Air Force One is only used when I’m wearing my US President hat. That goes with The Beast too. Once I clock in the Indonesian office, I’ll only use Jakarta-issued facilities and even staff. I’m all about transparency and accountability.”

Michelle Obama added that while she was initially surprised by her husband’s decision to take on the second job, she’s fully supportive and would ensure he gets all the help he can from the rest of the family.

“I know he’s doing it for me and the kids. He’s not the type who takes on more things unless he really believes it’d be good for the family,” she said. “We’ve worked out some tight time management with everyone, so that we can spend as much quality time together as possible. I’m not too concerned. I mean, I’m more than capable to doing some of the errands he usually does like picking up the kids from soccer practice and all. Plus, he’s always got his iPad on him, so he’ll always be on top of things at work. No biggie.

“Besides, we’ve always needed a reason to go travel together to that part of the world, we never found the right time. Now the girls and I can always chill out in Bali or shop for batik in Bandung any time!”

Apple launches iMan to complement iPhone 6 & Apple Watch

Cupertino, CA — After launching iPhone 6, iPhone 6 Plus and the Apple Watch on Tuesday, Apple Inc. today launched iMan, a revolutionary new product especially designed for discerning women looking for smart men.

DREAM MAN: Tim Cook displaying Apple’s latest offerings, the iMan, iPhone 6 and the Apple Watch

The iMan, due to be shipped starting November, are healthy, smart, charismatic, athletic and completely dreamy men whose primary goal in life is to please their ladies.

“It helps that the iMan models are also good-looking,” said Apple CEO Tim Cook at the launch, much to the delight of the mostly female audience. “Just like any other Apple product, we’ve made sure that the iMan is something you’d be proud parading around and displaying while you sip your lattes.”

The first-generation smart man joins the barrage of hyper-innovative smart phones, smart tablets and smart wearables that analysts say would not only satiate the hunger of Apple fans around the world who have been waiting for ‘the next big thing’, but also serve to boost the company’s performance after losing ground to rivals Samsung and new entries from China.

Pinching the pecs of one iMan on stage to display the absurdly handsome features of the shiny product, Cook said that each iMan was designed to the strict specifications of what women look for in the idea of a ‘perfect man’.

“Of course, what each woman want in men might be different, so we approached the iMan design with a mixture of top-of-the-line core features, plus unparalleled customisation.

“The iMan comes in the standard peak age-range of 25- to 40-years old, but you can have your iMan in white, black, beige, pale, brown or anything in between. You can pretty much custom-order your iMan to be of any ethnicity and skin colour. Heck, you can even order your smart-man to resemble almost any handsome celebrity — we’ve got a template of over 1,500 hot men from around the world,” said Cook, adding jokingly that he may be on the list too.

Other than being super smart, considerate and good natured as being standard, the iMan comes in three variants, the iMan ‘e’, ‘b’ and ‘m’.

“The ‘e’ stands for ’emo’,” said Cook. “This variant has high sensitivity and emotional intelligence quotient, so expect this iMan to understand your every feeling. We designed this model for women who seek an emotional equal. You can chat about virtually anything all night long and he won’t turn into a zombie like most regular guys do.

“The ‘b’ model is all about brains. Some women are stimulated by highly intelligent men, so this variant, while still being completely wonderful as a life partner, will thrill you with his genius mind. However, to avoid this iMan to turn into a total geek or smart aleck that might turn you off, you can adjust the iMan b’s intelligence setting, between ‘Top Student’ to ‘Stephen Hawking’.

“The ‘m’ model in the meantime, focuses on machismo,” Cook added, flexing his own arm muscles. “This iMan is all about brawn and strength, yet still retaining the sensitivity of your dream man.

“Think of it as your personal Hercules in touch with his feminine side.”

Cook said that the iMan, with prices starting at US$499, comes with 20 hours of battery life, depending on usage. “We’re working to extend the active time of each iMan of course, but if you think about it, the iMan is still better than a regular man who typically needs 8 hours of sleep every day. It’s an ongoing innovation process.

“Additionally, we’re working to add more features to future models, such as the ability to make money and be nice to in-laws. So while currently you’d have to pay for his meals and sustain his lifestyle, iMan 2 will be completely self-reliant, and may even support your household income.”

Scientists: Mysterious large hole in Siberia is Earth’s bunghole

RUSSIAN FEDERATION: A group of scientists have found that the mysterious black hole which appeared suddenly near Yamal, in the northern region of Siberia, was actually the planet’s fart-tunnel.

GAS ALERT: Scientists have confirmed that mysterious hole is Earth’s bum cavity

According to Professor Dr Dmitri Igunov, head researcher at the University of Tobolsk’s geology department, the 260-foot hole, discovered recently by a cameraman on board a helicopter which passed over the formation, was a natural phenomenon that served as Earth’s avenue to excrete waste and excess gas.

“I’ve often said that Earth, as a living planet, is very similar to any other living organism,” said Dr Igunov, looking over his team of 8 geologists surveying the site. “And just like any animal, the planet also has to have a bunghole to enable her to pass gas and other waste products.”

Dr Igunov explained that the crater-like black hole was the ‘end of an intricate system of planetary intestines’.

“I would call it a ‘cavity’ instead of a cave, and this is one hole you wouldn’t want to explore or go splunking in. In mother Earth’s innards, you will find all the things you would normally find in any animal belly — food being processed and digested, toxic gas being spewed.. the usual stuff. The results of our study and indications from our sensitive geological equipment have confirmed that this isn’t a normal sinkhole or cave system. It is indeed, an arse,” said the researcher, who added that this was the first time in history that anyone has seen Earth’s butt.

Asked why the Earth-butt was located in the northern part of the planet and not the southern hemisphere which would more appropriately be considered the ‘bottom’, Dr Igunov said that due to the planet’s spheric shape and physical detachment to any other celestial body, the concept of ‘top’ or ‘bottom’ does not apply.

HOLE-Y DISCOVERY: Dr Igunov at the edge of the planet’s endhole

“It’s silly to think that a ball has a top or bottom, is it not? We only consider ‘north’ to point upwards and ‘south’ to point downwards because somebody decided to do so a long time ago. It was a convention, not a fact,” Dr Igunov argued. “In fact, the position of our own ‘bottom’ is completely dependent on our body’s overall position and angle, correct? When we’re sleeping on our backs, our bottoms would be at the lowest point, however, if we were to flip over, then our butts would be at the highest point, would it not?

“So who are we to say that the planet’s butt cannot be ‘up’ here in the north of Siberia?”

Dr Igunov additionally dismissed claims that the giant hole had extraterrestrial origins.

“For goodness sake, this is science, not some fantasy! While as a scientist, I cannot deny the possibility of the existence of otherworldly beings, I can safely say that this giant hole here is nothing but Earth’s private backside part. I don’t understand why it’s so hard to accept that. If you were to hear about animals and humans not having a bunghole to expel their waste products, it would be very strange. Why can’t the planet have one too?”

The researcher also took the opportunity to warn would-be tourists to stay away from the hole.

“Look, ‘Yamal’ in Siberian language means ‘End of the World’, so that explains the hole’s function, and kind of serves as a warning to anyone foolish enough to want to dive in. So far, our sensors have not detected any impending discharges anytime soon, but believe me, everyone farts and poops. You wouldn’t want to be here when that happens.

“Now please, we don’t have much time, let my team and I continue with our anal-ysis,” he said, laughing at his own scientist-toilet joke.

 

Godzilla name changed to Go-zilla under new anti-negativity law

KUALA LUMPUR — The movie ‘Godzilla’, which opened early today was relaunched under a new title to comply with a new law requiring all creative, entertainment and cultural products to be more positive and heartwarming, as well as more sensitive and safer for the Malaysian audience.

The science-fiction action feature film, based on a Japanese TV series about a giant reptile running amuck in Tokyo, became the first creative product to be affected by the Harmonious and Positive Element in Entertainment (HAPEE) act, which falls under the purview of the Information Department of the Malaysian Information and Communication Ministry. The act, unanimously passed by Parliament in February, stipulates that any entertainment product, be it broadcast, printed, published online or performed live to the general Malaysian public, must not contain any element which are deemed negative, harmful to society or disrespectful to Malaysian values and sensitivities.

When contacted, Ministry spokesperson Pn. Laminah Gastono said that the movie was retitled ‘Go-zilla’ to “refocus the movie on the positive values such as being a ‘go-getter’ and reflects ‘constant improvement’ attitude”.

BEFORE & AFTER: The new, more positive and happier Go-zilla poster shows love, joy and intact buildings, compared to the depressing and violence-ridden original

“The relaunched movie retains much of the original content, with most of the action sequences and dialogues largely untouched,” said Laminah. “The HAPEE editing committee is very much aware that Malaysian viewers are mature and can form logical, sensible decisions based on educated opinions. As such, we only edited around 45 per cent of the film, which contains aggression, violence, swearing, sexual innuendos, judgmental connotations, insulting barbs or negative elements that may cause fear and provoke certain audience members to react adversely.

“Our concern is the mental wellbeing of the Malaysian audience. Heaven knows we’re already being bombarded by so much negativity in the media every day, with bad news making the headlines with gory pictures turning our stomachs. We look to entertainment products such as movies, TV shows and songs to feel better, so the job of regulators is to ensure that the entertainment is truly positive, heartwarming and provides harmonious good feeling.”

Laminah added that HAPEE is an improved version of the censorship policy it replaces, both in spirit and in the tools used.

“The censorship regulation used previously only covered certain aspects of entertainment and applied varying standards for different products. As a result, we saw many cases of inconsistencies: some movies ended up showing too much negativity, while some others got butchered unnecessarily. And we also saw different treatments received by TV shows, movies, concerts and such, thanks to different entities handling each product. HAPEE happily takes over the role for all creative entertainment and edu-tainment products.

“And as for tools, we are also a lot more creative in protecting the eyes and ears of the Malaysian audience,” added Laminah. “Thanks to a robust new technology developed in-house, we no longer have to rely only on cutting, blurring or pixellating sexy scenes and bleeping curse words. We can now replace offensive elements with wholesome, family-friendly ones automatically, and even rewrite the storyline to be more healthy,” she said, before demonstrating the new, always smiling Go-zilla trudging around New York while meowing and purring like a kitten, spreading love and well-wishes all around.

Laminah also stated that Godzilla was the perfect movie to be the pioneer HAPEE-certified product.

“First of all, we replace the first syllable with ‘Go’, because as you know, the word is a sensitive one in Malaysia. To remove any possibility of anyone being confused between a giant reptile and a religious term, we decided that it was better to change it altogether. And what better way than to change it to such a positive, forward-thinking and innovative word such as ‘Go’! Always moving, always improving!

“We’ve also made sure that upon watching this film, the audience will feel nothing but happiness, joy and benign sentiments. Even the soundtrack has been automatically edited — the fear- and suspense-inducing parts have been replaced with tunes from popular children’s nursery rhymes,” adding that the Incy Wincy Spider song was her personal favourite. “In the end, no city gets destroyed, nobody dies, no fear is felt and absolutely no guns were fired — nay, even appears — in Go-zilla. Everyone lives happily ever after.”

Laminah said that the HAPEE committee is already in the process of editing a few films, TV shows and performances slotted to be released in the coming weeks and months.

“The X-Men: Days of Future Past will have all its negativity removed and edited. We find that ‘X’ has negative connotations, implying a ‘No’, so we’re changing that to a ‘Yes’. And since our committee finds ‘Days of Future Past’ is rather confusing, we’re editing that too,” she said proudly, adding that thanks to the HAPEE committee’s efficiency and technology, ‘Yes-Men: Yesterday, Today & Tomorrow’ will open in theatres as scheduled on May 22. “So, without spoiling the plot, I say: do look forward to a positive, happy, conflict-less, non-mutated character-filled tale of love and remembrance of history.

“And while we’re talking about history, HAPEE will also revisit all the creative works already available in Malaysia, including those targeted to children,” added Laminah.

“Has anyone realised how violent children’s fairy tales and nursery rhymes are? In almost every one, somebody gets injured, maimed or brutally killed! Hansel & Gretel — death and cannibalism. Jack & Jill — horrific and bloody accident while climbing up the hill. Humpty Dumpty — broken limbs and certain death after falling off a wall. What insanity is all this? I suppose they are a reflection of the sad, angry old war-mongering days of our feudal ancestors.

“So we’ll clean them all up, and positivise everything.”

Selangor denies water has heavy metals; only pop rock, R&B

SHAH ALAM — The Selangor state government has slammed a news report by the New Straits Times yesterday which claimed that water from unused mining pools being channeled into the state’s water supply contained unsafe levels of toxic heavy metals.

LOUD LIQUID: Selangor has denied the presence of heavy metals in its water supply

According to the front page report by the NST, an independent analysis of water samples taken from these mining ponds showed high content of hard metal, which it stated was above safe limits and hazardous to health.

In a press conference here today, state Youth, Sports, Infrastructure and Public Amenities committee chairman Dr Ahmad Yunus Hairi said the daily’s allegation was incorrect, as tests done by the Selangor Water Management Board (LUAS) showed no traces of heavy metals, but instead only had pleasant levels of pop rock, rhythm & blues and hints of reggae.

“We vehemently dispute NST’s erroneous report of the presence of heavy metals or any other types of corrosive music genres in our water supply,” said Dr Ahmad furiously. “We are here to deny their claim of traces of Slayer, Black Sabbath, Motorhead and Megadeth in the water — we find it laughable and irresponsible. Do they even know what heavy metal sounds like?”

Dr Ahmad said that repeated tests done by independent water experts and music producers commissioned by LUAS have confirmed that water from the unused mining pools being pumped into Sungai Selangor only contained music genres safe for families.

“Tell me something, would you consider Pixie Lott songs ‘heavy metal’? Or One Direction? Our comprehensive tests, involving over 200 samples taken at different times of day, locations and depths have only uncovered music that are too safe even to get PG-13 rating,” he said, as LUAS Director Tuan Md Khairi Selamat nodded in agreement. “If these so-called investigative journalists and editors are NST feel that Taylor Swift or John Legend is hard metal and dangerous for consumers, then I don’t know what else to say.”

HARDLY HEAVY: Dr Ahmad (left) and Tuan Md Khairi showing the test results done by LUAS

 

“Luas, together with the Selangor State Health Department have been conducting sampling on all alternative water sources since 2011,” said Khairi. “Analysis on alternative water samples was conducted by the Malaysian Chemistry Department and Jabatan Kebudayaan Selangor, and we found the water in the mining pools to be safe for consumption.”

After giving an impromptu humming performance of John Legend’s ‘All Of Me’, Dr Ahmad said that other than pop rock and R&B, negligible traces of reggae had been found, but it was ‘not a cause for concern’.

“Yes, I do agree that reggae is often associated with the use of weed, but science has never proven that there is a direct correlation between the music genre and the consumption of the narcotic,” he said, pointing to a chart showing a small picture of Bob Marley. “Besides — without alluding to any opinions whether my own or that of the state government — limited legalised use of marijuana is being experimented in parts of the US and Europe, so I wouldn’t say that science has conclusively found the plant dangerous to health.

“So we hereby challenge our critics, especially the New Straits Times, to prove us wrong,” he said. “We’re giving them 48 hours to bring us the evidence, or make a formal apology and correction.

“In fact, let’s do a music showdown — we’ll bring our music experts from our Jabatan Kebudayaan, and you bring your entertainment editors and music critics, we’ll see who’s right, and who’ll drink the humble water.”

Lazy-ass parasite reprimanded by mom for celebrating Labour Day

IPOH, PERAK — Area man Kudin bin Kulopdin, 33, was severely reprimanded by his mother today for celebrating Labour Day, despite not doing anything remotely productive his entire life and feeding off other people to sustain his being, despite being of sound mind and having perfect health as well as fully functioning limbs.

Speaking from her home, Joyah binti Manjamon, 55, said that she felt thoroughly offended when her only child, who’s lived at her home since birth, casually wished her “Happy Labour Day” at the breakfast table while pouring milk over his bowl of Choco Pops.

“I suddenly felt a sharp pain at the bottom of my gut and a burst of rage in my chest when he uttered those words,” said Joyah, who works two jobs supporting herself and her useless piece of oxygen-sucking fat & meatbag, also known as her son. “I mean, for 33 long years, Kudin’s only participation in any form of ‘labour’ has been his own birth. He hardly deserves to even utter any celebratory wish during Labour Day, a sacred holiday to honour those who actually work to make a living. The child-man still thinks showering is hard work.”

HARD AT WORK: Kudin filling his time productively

Joyah pointed to the pile of comic books and boxes of bootleg Playstation games strewn around Kudin’s room and said, “This is Kudin’s contribution to the family, and to the world. Taking my hard-earned money and spending it on the nation’s economy via comic books, video games, branded clothings and fast food. He eats so much fast food I think he bleeds tomato sauce. Thank goodness he inherited my ex-husband’s skinny genes, or else I’ve got to also worry about his weight issues.

Joyah said that she blamed the man-boy’s father for turning him into such a lazy, entitled slob.

“We had issues conceiving, so when we got him, his father used to pamper him like a golden child, giving him anything he asked for and doing virtually everything for him,” Joyah reminisced painfully. “The old man used to tell me to wash the boy’s school shoes, do his homework and clean up after him all the way through high school. I was still spoonfeeding him lunch when he was 15! A few years ago his father even gave him a supplementary credit card, even though I tried to stop him. Of course he max-ed it out in a couple of weeks; by the time his father realised his error, the damage was done — and the old prick skipped town, leaving me to deal with this piece of crap of a human being who seems to be allergic to any form of physical activity other than those that please him. The other day I told him to take out the garbage as I was leaving for work, and when I got back I found the trashcan covered with a blanket. Serves me right for saying ‘I don’t want to see this garbage bag here when I get back’.”

Kudin, defending his actions — or his inactions — said that he merely is a product of his environment and upbringing.

“In the argument between Nature versus Nurture, I’m a proponent of the latter,” he said, sifting through the large pile of clothes, a mixture of dirty laundry and freshly clean ones, for his favourite Spongebob T-shirt. “You could say that I’m like this by choice, but I can tell you that I’m a victim of my circumstances. I’m simply unable to be an active participant in society or be gainfully employed because I was conditioned to be so,” said Kudin, adding that he believes it to be a medical condition, but was too lazy to Google any sort of scientific evidence to back his opinion.

He also said that his laziness has its plus points. “You might say I’m a burden to my mom and the country and that’s a bad thing, but I beg to differ,” he iterates, while checking his teeth in the mirror to see if he needed to brush them today. “Imagine my mom’s day without me around to give her purpose — she’d be bored and sad. I fill that vacuum in her heart and give her things to do to fill up her days. And as for the country — what would our welfare industry and social sector be without me providing the need to fill? And me not having a job only means some other people can take that job — am I not being self-sacrificing here?” adding that his ‘Happy Labour Day’ wish to his mom was sincere and felt slighted that it was misinterpreted.

Joyah admitted that she has been considering kicking the parasite out of the house or other options of liberating herself from her spawn. “Frankly I don’t know how long I can do this. I do love him, despite him being less useful than a lump of cowdung. But I’ve got my limits and at 55, I still have a chance to enjoy myself, traveling the world and discovering new things.

“I’ve been thinking of selling him on e-Bay, but I’ve been told you can’t do that, so see lah how.”

Obama temporarily barred from Air Force One due to durian-breath

KUALA LUMPUR — US President Barack Obama, on-route to the Philippines after completing a 3-day visit to Malaysia, was denied entry into the presidential plane Air Force One by the Secret Service after his durian-tainted breath triggered the aircraft’s hazardous gas sensors.

Mr Obama, who had just enjoyed a large serving of the thorny fruit known for its pungent, strong smell yet delicious taste, was stopped by his own security personnel at the aircraft door and asked to return to his armoured limousine and taken to a nearby airport VIP lounge where he could ‘decontaminate’ his mouth.

A Secret Service spokeswoman said that this drastic measure was unusual, but needed to be taken for the safety of the entire plane, as the Asian fruit’s overwhelming smell, quoted by some as ‘reeking of garbage stink’, could overcome the other personnel and endanger the flight.

STRONG STOMACH: Obama being escorted away from Air Force One

“We are truly sorry to do this to the Commander-in-Chief, but we have strict rules about toxic smells on our flights,” said the spokesperson who declined to be named. “Our job is to ensure the security of the president, but if he poses a danger to himself by consuming such thing, we have to make a stand.

“We can’t have our pilots or other staff suffocating just because Mr Obama says ‘Hi’ to them, unleashing the smell of hell unto them. Heck, I don’t think even our delicate electronic instruments could withstand such a rancid scent. A couple of his security details had to be taken to the emergency room just now when he flashed his grin at the crowd before we left the hotel,” she said.

“So, unless POTUS is willing to spend the entire flight to Manila wearing a biohazard suit, we simply cannot allow him on the plane. No way.”

NOT FOR EVERYONE: The ‘musang king’ durian

Met at the lounge, Mr Obama said that he could not resist having a go at the durians he saw by the side of the road as his entourage drove by, as ‘it brought back happy memories of his growing up years in Indonesia’.

“I was just enjoying the ride, Skyping to Michelle and the kids when I saw it — a huge, beautiful pile of Musang King durian being sold by an old Chinese fellow,” said Obama, in between chewing spearmint gum and gargling Listerine vigorously. “Suddenly my head was filled with all those sweet times I spent with my buddies in my mom’s village just outside Jakarta in 1967. Jumping into rivers buck naked and picking fresh mangoes and rambutans at Farmer Wak Djomo’s orchard. His durians were just divine. Golly, I LOVE Malaysia!

“I’m sorry if I caused a few hours of delay, but look, I’m the Chief. I just had to get me some.”

The entourage made the impromptu pit stop where the president spent about half an hour eating 3 durians before continuing on his journey. The flight to Manila is expected to resume in six hours, after getting clearance from Hazmat personnel.

The durian seller, Mr Denny Lim, 67, said that while he was initially surprised by the VIP visit to his fruit stall, he felt honoured and glad to see a durian lover rediscovering his roots.

“At first I thought I was in trouble with polis one,” said Mr Lim. “The big black cars passed by with polis bike and all, then they all stopped and reversed. These big, big white men came and surrounded me, and then this black man came, bought 2 durians, squatted beside me and started opening them. He looked like he hadn’t had durians for years, so I kesian and gave him one free. I think okay lor, we must treat tourist very nice-nice one. Visit Malaysia Year what.

“But he paid with US dollars, I said I got no change in US dollar, so he told me to keep the 100 dollars,” said Mr Lim smiling.

While Mr Lim is happy with the president’s durian indulgence, it is said that some others may not be as pleased. According to some other unverified sources, the order to quarantine the president came all the way from Washington DC — the First Lady herself.

“She was on video chat with him when he made the decision to make the durian pit stop,” said the source. “He didn’t tell her why he had to drop her call all of a sudden, but she saw his face, and she knew. She had seen it before when the First Couple visited an Asian store in Texas last year and chanced upon a pack of frozen durians.

“She made the call to the Secret Service with specific instructions to ‘not let POTUS in the plane until he gets rid of that wretched breath’, and between offending the president or pissing off his wife, we knew the better option.”

NOTICE: May 2012 parody piece on Malaysia Airlines taken offline

Dear readers,

Out of respect for the missing 239 on board MH370, their families and loved ones, the parody article “Malaysia Airlines to convert stealth bombers into passenger aircraft” written in May 2012 has been taken off the site.

Please continue praying for the safety and wellbeing of those involved.

Best regards,
Hassan Skodeng

Scientists reclassify rempits as brainless organisms

KUALA LUMPUR — Leading zoologists in Malaysia have reached a consensus to reclassify the Mat Rempit as a new species, following extensive studies that found no trace of any brain matter in their heads, other than small clumps of ganglia that control their basic motor and reproductive functions.

NEW SPECIES: The rempitus moronicus is now in the same group as other brainless animals such as the sponge, jellyfish and clams

Speaking at a biology conference in University of Malaya today, chairman of the Malaysian Association of Zoological Sciences Datuk Dr Ismail Masaran said that the mat rempit, or new scientific name rempitus moronicus, are in the same group as the sponge (the porifera phylum), the starfish (echinoderms), jellyfish (cnidarians) and common shellfish such as molluscs and clams.

“It is truly an exciting day for us,” said Dr Ismail as he revealed key findings from the studies. “After decades of miscategorisation that caused so much confusion in the zoological community, finally we have a more complete and clear understanding of this beautiful creature. Our discovery of the rempit’s brainlessness has provided much needed explanation for this species’ idiotic behaviour on the road and complete disregard for personal safety as well as that of other road users.”

Explaining the multi-university team’s RM7 million research that began four years ago, Dr Ismail said that the results were much more than they had anticipated. “Initially we wanted to know why the rempit — then erroneously treated as part of the homo sapien family — displayed many behaviours which were unnatural to human beings, such as performing unnecessarily dangerous stunts, aversion to safety tools like helmets as well as violent allergy to good manners and common sensibilities. We were mystified by the way these beasts showed no interest in the preservation of their own lives and limbs.

“Our first hypothesis was focused on psychology; we thought there was something wrong with them psychologically. However, through 3D scans done on their heads, we found that the abnormality is actually physiological — they’re just different creatures altogether,” said Dr Ismail. “We wanted to observe the neurons firing when they’re exposed to different stimuli, but when we saw the scan, there was virtually nothing there but empty space. They’re apparently just built like that.”

Dr Ismail said that to know more, the team decided to conduct a physical examination.

“It was quite challenging to do a physical invasive examination,” said Dr Ismail. “Rempits are mostly nocturnal and are quite elusive creatures, so a good sample was hard to come by.

“Fortunately, we were able to secure some sample rempits — one male ‘Mat’ Rempit and one female ‘Minah’ rempit from hospitals in Selayang and Klang, so we cut them open. The first thing we noticed was how thick the skulls of these rempits are,” said Dr Ismail, as other researchers in the team nodded in agreement. “The skull wall was so thick there was hardly any room inside for a brain, even if the rempits wanted to have one. In a way, this explains why some of them are so relaxed about wearing safety helmets — other than the skull being so strong, there is really nothing valuable inside to protect.”

FULL YET EMPTY: Head scan of a rempit sample

The lead researcher concluded that the newly discovered species’s lack of brains is both a curse and a blessing.

“On one hand, their inability to make intelligent decisions and tendency to risk their lives unnecessarily have made road accidents almost a natural, expected thing amongst the rempit community. It’s a cruel fate, but it’s nature’s way of controlling their population — by letting them kill themselves. But on the other hand, their lack of intellectual capabilities means they make their decisions based on impulse — and we all know what’s the strongest impulse for this kind of wild animal.

“Other than behaving like complete idiots on the road, they just end up doing nothing but breed. So I guess it evens out.”

Dr Ismail said that this new reclassification has had an impact in how authorities deal with the species.

“We shared our research with the authorities. As a result, the police has handed over the role of regulating these creatures to the Wildlife Department. The forest rangers will take care of the species welfare and habitat, as well as controlling their migration pattern. To maintain a balance in the ecosystem, their interaction with other species — especially with human beings — will have to be monitored, considering their destructive behaviour.

BETTER REGULATED: Thanks to the reclassification, now rempits are regulated by the Wildlife Dept, here shown directing a herd of rempit in their nightly migration

“Should their numbers be too high, I would recommend effective population control methods such as neutering and in extreme cases, culling.”

Malaysia offers assistance to problem-plagued Sochi

KUALA LUMPUR — Malaysia has extended an offer to Sochi to help host the XXII Winter Olympic Games, in light of the Russian city’s apparent lack of readiness in organising the event as tweeted by unhappy global media representatives who arrived in their hotels only to find toilets, doors, power outlets and other basic amenities in sorry state.

Speaking at Sri Perdana today, Prime Minister YAB Dato’ Sri Mohd Najib Razak said that the widely-known problems faced by the organisers prompted him to come up with the idea of holding the winter games in Malaysia, seeing how “we should always help our neighbours who are in trouble”.

“It broke my heart when I read all those mean tweets and unflattering pictures of construction materials in hotel rooms, yellow-coloured tap water and non-functioning toilet seats,” said Najib. “I know how hard it is to organise an event like this, and I asked myself, what can we do to help a nation in need?

“Suddenly I had an epiphany — if they’re not ready, we’ll do it for them!”

The PM pointed out that Malaysia has all the necessary facilities, infrastructure and weather conditions to run the winter olympics.

“We have so many hotels, all ready to accept the huge number of guests, seeing how it’s not peak period in our tourist calendar. Our airports are primed to receive all our visitors without problem,” said Najib, adding that while KLIA 2 may not be completely functional, “it’s no more ‘complete’ than the Sochi facilities, so it’s not a major step-down for the would-be passengers”.

“Fine, we have summer-based stadiums as opposed to the ice-based facilities in Sochi, but it’s nothing that a little adaptation to the tools cannot fix. How hard is it to change from skis to wheels?”

The PM said that for winter sport events that ‘really, really need’ ice or snow, there are available private facilities which can be used.

An artist’s impression of an adapted bobsledding

“We have a few winter-based theme parks and arenas for that. The Winter Wonderland at i-City is a marvelous spot that can handle all the wintery stuff people from Canada, Russia, Europe and other icy-places want. The ice-skating rinks at Sunway Pyramid and Mutiara Damansara are also open for business, what more do you want?

“Plus, I don’t see why our world-famous water slides can’t handle the bobsled and luge events,” he added. “In fact, I think the sport will be much more interesting when the sleds end up in the pool of water, creating huge, gigantic splashes. So the points can be based not only on speed, but also on the size of the water splashes.”

Najib, telling the media that he’ll be contacting his counterpart in Moscow to discuss the relocation of the venue, medals as well as tools and officials, also said that those who worried about the stifling heat of Malaysia’s tropical climate need not fret.

“All our facilities are air-conditioned, or at least equipped with good fans and ice-cream stalls,” he said reassuringly. “And in case you don’t remember, the recent ‘cold draft’ that brought down the temperatures in some parts of Malaysia has not left us. You’d still need those nice, thick jackets to walk around in those chilly nights.

“We’re cool.”