Scientists reclassify rempits as brainless organisms

KUALA LUMPUR — Leading zoologists in Malaysia have reached a consensus to reclassify the Mat Rempit as a new species, following extensive studies that found no trace of any brain matter in their heads, other than small clumps of ganglia that control their basic motor and reproductive functions.

NEW SPECIES: The rempitus moronicus is now in the same group as other brainless animals such as the sponge, jellyfish and clams

NEW SPECIES: The rempitus moronicus is now in the same group as other brainless animals such as the sponge, jellyfish and clams

Speaking at a biology conference in University of Malaya today, chairman of the Malaysian Association of Zoological Sciences Datuk Dr Ismail Masaran said that the mat rempit, or new scientific name rempitus moronicus, are in the same group as the sponge (the porifera phylum), the starfish (echinoderms), jellyfish (cnidarians) and common shellfish such as molluscs and clams.

“It is truly an exciting day for us,” said Dr Ismail as he revealed key findings from the studies. “After decades of miscategorisation that caused so much confusion in the zoological community, finally we have a more complete and clear understanding of this beautiful creature. Our discovery of the rempit’s brainlessness has provided much needed explanation for this species’ idiotic behaviour on the road and complete disregard for personal safety as well as that of other road users.”

Explaining the multi-university team’s RM7 million research that began four years ago, Dr Ismail said that the results were much more than they had anticipated. “Initially we wanted to know why the rempit — then erroneously treated as part of the homo sapien family — displayed many behaviours which were unnatural to human beings, such as performing unnecessarily dangerous stunts, aversion to safety tools like helmets as well as violent allergy to good manners and common sensibilities. We were mystified by the way these beasts showed no interest in the preservation of their own lives and limbs.

“Our first hypothesis was focused on psychology; we thought there was something wrong with them psychologically. However, through 3D scans done on their heads, we found that the abnormality is actually physiological — they’re just different creatures altogether,” said Dr Ismail. “We wanted to observe the neurons firing when they’re exposed to different stimuli, but when we saw the scan, there was virtually nothing there but empty space. They’re apparently just built like that.”

Dr Ismail said that to know more, the team decided to conduct a physical examination.

“It was quite challenging to do a physical invasive examination,” said Dr Ismail. “Rempits are mostly nocturnal and are quite elusive creatures, so a good sample was hard to come by.

“Fortunately, we were able to secure some sample rempits — one male ‘Mat’ Rempit and one female ‘Minah’ rempit from hospitals in Selayang and Klang, so we cut them open. The first thing we noticed was how thick the skulls of these rempits are,” said Dr Ismail, as other researchers in the team nodded in agreement. “The skull wall was so thick there was hardly any room inside for a brain, even if the rempits wanted to have one. In a way, this explains why some of them are so relaxed about wearing safety helmets — other than the skull being so strong, there is really nothing valuable inside to protect.”

FULL YET EMPTY: Head scan of a rempit sample

FULL YET EMPTY: Head scan of a rempit sample

The lead researcher concluded that the newly discovered species’s lack of brains is both a curse and a blessing.

“On one hand, their inability to make intelligent decisions and tendency to risk their lives unnecessarily have made road accidents almost a natural, expected thing amongst the rempit community. It’s a cruel fate, but it’s nature’s way of controlling their population — by letting them kill themselves. But on the other hand, their lack of intellectual capabilities means they make their decisions based on impulse — and we all know what’s the strongest impulse for this kind of wild animal.

“Other than behaving like complete idiots on the road, they just end up doing nothing but breed. So I guess it evens out.”

Dr Ismail said that this new reclassification has had an impact in how authorities deal with the species.

“We shared our research with the authorities. As a result, the police has handed over the role of regulating these creatures to the Wildlife Department. The forest rangers will take care of the species welfare and habitat, as well as controlling their migration pattern. To maintain a balance in the ecosystem, their interaction with other species — especially with human beings — will have to be monitored, considering their destructive behaviour.

BETTER REGULATED: Thanks to the reclassification, now rempits are regulated by the Wildlife Dept, here shown directing a herd of rempit in their nightly migration

BETTER REGULATED: Thanks to the reclassification, now rempits are regulated by the Wildlife Dept, here shown directing a herd of rempit in their nightly migration

“Should their numbers be too high, I would recommend effective population control methods such as neutering and in extreme cases, culling.”


Filed under Humour, National News, Science & Technology

42 responses to “Scientists reclassify rempits as brainless organisms

  1. Splendid. splendid. Nothing better that I could compare

  2. You just made me giggle alone in the office…. with the COO sitting right next at my table.

    splendid stuff!

  3. mohd mikael

    what a way to classify these idiots.! hahahahaha.! good write-up.!

  4. Cedric JenZen

    HAHAHA… i probably get myself fired. I burst in laughter in a meeting. And yes i silently read something out of the topic….!!!!!
    Hey the whole board was aiming me, i showed them this and yes everyone laugh too…LOLX…

  5. so…is it murder if we killed them?

    • nose4news

      Not sure. But there aren’t that many of them globally and they’re unique to Malaysia, kinda like marsupials are to Australia, so I suppose they’re protected by some wildlife convention.

    • myjourneytosuccess

      No. Definitely not murder when you squash pests equivalent to cockroaches. Heck they even sell things like Ridsect in the market.
      The govt is sure telling us it’s free for all and you get points for using your vehicle to manipulate them to get squashed beneath the tyres of a bus, truck or just ram into something else such which doesn’t require you to shoulder any liabilities, such as an UMNO building or a Perkasa HQ. A natural final destination amongst their class.
      Lives are precious but I’m willing to risk theirs when it comes to mine.

    • Sel Kums

      Not at all!

  6. Grimoire Weiss

    “Explaining the multi-university team’s RM7 million research that began four years ago,”

    Not very bright either isnt it? lol.~~~

  7. crpeng

    Reblogged this on 周若鹏 and commented:
    This one is funny!

  8. Saucyfemail

    They are in the same league as inconsiderate smokers!

  9. John Doe

    the author of this article is even worse than brainless….no human being is stupid or brainless….spend that rm7 million for something better,not doing brainless research….wakakaka

  10. I haven’t read anything quite as entertaining as this for ages! Thank you.

  11. Royce

    This really made my wonderful Saturday

  12. HUGA

    You are good,, but for mat annd minah rempit is true. By the way the experiment kos is 7 milion. so good….

  13. sew

    Is it real research and speech by the Dr? Or just fake write up? Sorry to ask but just wonder? How on earth there’s ppl can live without having brain?

  14. Might need to call in pest control in my area I guest.

  15. Ian

    Really love your report hahahaha… I will wait for other reports such as this and then share with everyone..

  16. Howdy3rdworld

    There’re sub species for this creatures named tailgatersis assholestisus and quejumperas inbredicus..all in all which should be legal to be terminate before they breed even more

  17. man those zoologists must have really hate those Mat Rempit guys a lot LOL
    but they are right about them.
    “performing unnecessarily dangerous stunts, aversion to safety tools like helmets as well as violent allergy to good manners and common sensibilities”, mat rempit in conclusion,’nuff said

  18. Sel Kums

    A Delightful read that elicits a guffaw or two! I thought only the Mat & Minah Rempits were devoid of brain matter but it seems one or two contributors here seem to be in the same boat! Read between the lines, people!

  19. CaptainAmerica

    7million……..i dont see there is a need to invest such amount to research dis bunch of retards and so called rempitus , stop making it sound so scientific , nth better to do DR.?

  20. wonderful

    what a brainless scientific..rm7million cost of this r&d?? nothing to show how to prevented..

  21. Stella Doris Fernandez

    Looks like everyone is in agreement with you Doc. Now, how about another research for the extermination of these rempitus moronicus (love the term) if a cure is not to be found.

  22. no one

    A unique yet hyperbolic statement. Judgemental retards… seriously these kids are still people. Would you be saying the same thing if they are a brother or sister and maybe your own kids. Shame on you!

  23. what the.....

    looks like this article are fake..dato dr ismail masaran are not exist..there is no paper about this new organism publish yet..the way their conduct on this research are totally wrong..dont believe it.

  24. Myra

    Its SCIENTIFICALLY PROVEN by SCIENTIST .but stupid people would want to even believe them.Its how scientist examine things cause thats what scientist are they predict things,future they proven things but you see, this is up to individual. People enjoy doing things their way.Yes its dangerous yes its crazy. You mean all the stunt man who do crazy stuff are stupid.?Brainless organism.? They too do things dangerously.This is all a things that they enjoy doing.Infact anywhere in this world you will find the most craziest,weirdest and dangerous thing you have never imagine before about of what people can do next.Of what the future society will become like.No hard feeling but just sharing my thoughts.Theres just no right or wrong answers. Its just wrong to say this kind of people are brainless organism.Thats not how human being should treat one another. If its wrong or dangerous you speak out not damn them or hate them or calling them names. This explain how cruel society can be.

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