Tag Archives: Obama

Obama excited to begin moonlighting as Indonesian president next week

WORK HARDER: Obama is quite certain he'll be able to split his time being presidents of both countries

WORK HARDER: Obama is quite certain he’ll be able to split his time being presidents of both countries

WASHINGTON, DC — US President Barack Obama today expressed his excitement to officially begin his second job as the President of the Republic of Indonesia on October 20th, after months successfully campaigning across the Southeast Asian country using the more localised pseudonym of ‘Joko Widodo’, and keeping it secret from his family.

Accompanied by his wife and speaking from the White House lawn to reporters this morning, President Obama said that he was really glad to be finally able to come clean about his additional occupation, and said he ‘feels no shame about holding two jobs’ to supplement his income.

“A lot of people do part-time jobs or even hold two jobs to support their families, so I don’t see why I can’t do the same,” said the Commander-in-Chief. “Times are getting harder for everyone, what with rising cost of living and staggering inflation these days, a typical wage-earner like myself cannot just depend on income from one source. One salary just ain’t enough, it’s just reality of living in an urban area.

SUPPORTIVE: The President and the First Lady during the announcement

SUPPORTIVE: The President and the First Lady during the announcement

“A recent survey has found that Washington, DC is THE most expensive city to live in. Not just in America, mind you, but the most expensive in the world. And I’ve got two growing up kids. A big house to pay for every month, with its own staff to maintain. A few cars with drivers and security detail, and not to mention a plane, plus a couple of helicopters. For a government servant like me, it can be pretty tough,” he added, as First Lady Michelle put her hand on his shoulder.

Obama’s second job will see him succeeding Susilo Bambang Yudhoyono after defeating Prabowo Subianto at the polls in a tight race, receiving 53% of the votes.

“Campaigning across Indonesia was quite a challenge,” recalled Obama, who in fact spent a few years during childhood growing up in Indonesia. “I had to dig deep into my childhood memories running around my auntie’s place in east Jakarta. All those great times picking mangosteens, jumping into streams, fishing. Fortunately I still remember some Bahasa phrases like ‘Aku Cinta Kamu’ and ‘Trima Kasih.’ I had to connect with the voters; be one of them. I had to sneak out of meetings to make video calls, record speeches. I had to fake business trips to that region so that no one could smell what I was doing. And I had to do this while not getting recognised by my team — and my wife!” adding that traditional headgears and batik, as well as a different hairdo and makeup definitely helped.

The president said that despite the demands of the jobs, he believes he would be able to split his time between the two nations.

“Both government systems are pretty well-oiled, so I don’t see any problem presiding over both administrations,” he said confidently. “In fact, I’m an advocate for flexible working arrangements, and I’ve invested quite heavily in getting myself wired in. The Oval Office is really just a symbol of my US presidency, but the fact of the matter is, with mobile technology, social media tools and cloud computing, I can work from virtually anywhere. Hey there, Big J!” said Obama as he demonstrated Skyping with his future (Indonesian) vice-president Jusuf Kalla all the way in Jakarta.

CLOSE RACE: Obama during the presidential debate with Prabowo Subianto

CLOSE RACE: Obama during the presidential debate with Prabowo Subianto

“The really good thing about being the leader of these two nations is that they’re on opposite sides of the world,” said Obama. “So I can focus on one country while the other goes to sleep. Pretty convenient, really, there’s little chance of me being confused about which government I’m representing at any one time.

“I’d hate to be in an awkward situation where I’m meeting, say, President Putin, and start talking about sustained development in Jawa Tengah when I should be reprimanding him about Russia’s escalating military presence in Ukraine!” he said in jest, much to the delight of those present.

The president assured the public in both nations that he would be very careful in utilising the resources given to him as head of government.

“I’m very clear with my people that Air Force One is only used when I’m wearing my US President hat. That goes with The Beast too. Once I clock in the Indonesian office, I’ll only use Jakarta-issued facilities and even staff. I’m all about transparency and accountability.”

Michelle Obama added that while she was initially surprised by her husband’s decision to take on the second job, she’s fully supportive and would ensure he gets all the help he can from the rest of the family.

“I know he’s doing it for me and the kids. He’s not the type who takes on more things unless he really believes it’d be good for the family,” she said. “We’ve worked out some tight time management with everyone, so that we can spend as much quality time together as possible. I’m not too concerned. I mean, I’m more than capable to doing some of the errands he usually does like picking up the kids from soccer practice and all. Plus, he’s always got his iPad on him, so he’ll always be on top of things at work. No biggie.

“Besides, we’ve always needed a reason to go travel together to that part of the world, we never found the right time. Now the girls and I can always chill out in Bali or shop for batik in Bandung any time!”

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Obama temporarily barred from Air Force One due to durian-breath

KUALA LUMPUR — US President Barack Obama, on-route to the Philippines after completing a 3-day visit to Malaysia, was denied entry into the presidential plane Air Force One by the Secret Service after his durian-tainted breath triggered the aircraft’s hazardous gas sensors.

Mr Obama, who had just enjoyed a large serving of the thorny fruit known for its pungent, strong smell yet delicious taste, was stopped by his own security personnel at the aircraft door and asked to return to his armoured limousine and taken to a nearby airport VIP lounge where he could ‘decontaminate’ his mouth.

A Secret Service spokeswoman said that this drastic measure was unusual, but needed to be taken for the safety of the entire plane, as the Asian fruit’s overwhelming smell, quoted by some as ‘reeking of garbage stink’, could overcome the other personnel and endanger the flight.

STRONG STOMACH: Obama being escorted away from Air Force One

STRONG STOMACH: Obama being escorted away from Air Force One

“We are truly sorry to do this to the Commander-in-Chief, but we have strict rules about toxic smells on our flights,” said the spokesperson who declined to be named. “Our job is to ensure the security of the president, but if he poses a danger to himself by consuming such thing, we have to make a stand.

“We can’t have our pilots or other staff suffocating just because Mr Obama says ‘Hi’ to them, unleashing the smell of hell unto them. Heck, I don’t think even our delicate electronic instruments could withstand such a rancid scent. A couple of his security details had to be taken to the emergency room just now when he flashed his grin at the crowd before we left the hotel,” she said.

“So, unless POTUS is willing to spend the entire flight to Manila wearing a biohazard suit, we simply cannot allow him on the plane. No way.”

NOT FOR EVERYONE: The 'musang king' durian

NOT FOR EVERYONE: The ‘musang king’ durian

Met at the lounge, Mr Obama said that he could not resist having a go at the durians he saw by the side of the road as his entourage drove by, as ‘it brought back happy memories of his growing up years in Indonesia’.

“I was just enjoying the ride, Skyping to Michelle and the kids when I saw it — a huge, beautiful pile of Musang King durian being sold by an old Chinese fellow,” said Obama, in between chewing spearmint gum and gargling Listerine vigorously. “Suddenly my head was filled with all those sweet times I spent with my buddies in my mom’s village just outside Jakarta in 1967. Jumping into rivers buck naked and picking fresh mangoes and rambutans at Farmer Wak Djomo’s orchard. His durians were just divine. Golly, I LOVE Malaysia!

“I’m sorry if I caused a few hours of delay, but look, I’m the Chief. I just had to get me some.”

The entourage made the impromptu pit stop where the president spent about half an hour eating 3 durians before continuing on his journey. The flight to Manila is expected to resume in six hours, after getting clearance from Hazmat personnel.

The durian seller, Mr Denny Lim, 67, said that while he was initially surprised by the VIP visit to his fruit stall, he felt honoured and glad to see a durian lover rediscovering his roots.

“At first I thought I was in trouble with polis one,” said Mr Lim. “The big black cars passed by with polis bike and all, then they all stopped and reversed. These big, big white men came and surrounded me, and then this black man came, bought 2 durians, squatted beside me and started opening them. He looked like he hadn’t had durians for years, so I kesian and gave him one free. I think okay lor, we must treat tourist very nice-nice one. Visit Malaysia Year what.

“But he paid with US dollars, I said I got no change in US dollar, so he told me to keep the 100 dollars,” said Mr Lim smiling.

While Mr Lim is happy with the president’s durian indulgence, it is said that some others may not be as pleased. According to some other unverified sources, the order to quarantine the president came all the way from Washington DC — the First Lady herself.

“She was on video chat with him when he made the decision to make the durian pit stop,” said the source. “He didn’t tell her why he had to drop her call all of a sudden, but she saw his face, and she knew. She had seen it before when the First Couple visited an Asian store in Texas last year and chanced upon a pack of frozen durians.

“She made the call to the Secret Service with specific instructions to ‘not let POTUS in the plane until he gets rid of that wretched breath’, and between offending the president or pissing off his wife, we knew the better option.”

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Nobel Prize dents Obama’s Norway invasion plans

NORWAY: To be the largest theme park in the world

NORWAY: To be the largest theme park in the world

WASHINGTON, DC — The Norwegian Nobel Committee’s decision to award US President Barack Obama with the Nobel Peace Prize this year has somewhat thrown a spanner in the works of his plans to invade the country.

In a White House statement released today, President Obama expressed both his appreciation for the recognition, and his disappointment that ‘his plans to turn Norway into a giant winter theme park is derailed’.

GIBBS: "The president is not happy"

GIBBS: "The president is not happy"

“We’re deeply honoured,” said White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs. “But the president is sure as hell not amused now that he can’t have his winter wonderland by Christmas this year.”

Gibbs explained Obama had been planning to send the US Navy Atlantic Carrier Group, a fleet of warships and aircraft, in addition to a number of nuclear submarines, to ‘obliterate all man-made structures and any signs of human civilisation’ in Norway, to leave a clean, snow-covered vast area of flora and fauna, a perfect place to start an all-year winter theme park.

“The first lady is an avid skier, and the president really loves his wife,” said Gibbs. “He was really hoping to top the Bulgari necklace Christmas gift he gave her last year with this theme park, tentatively called ‘Norwinter Wonderland’.

SNOW-COVERED PARADISE: Obama's planned Christmas gift for the First Lady

SNOW-COVERED PARADISE: Obama's planned Christmas gift for the First Lady

“But the Nobel Committe’s decision to award him with the Peace Prize for ‘his efforts to bring the world closer together in peace and harmony’ has truly made any plans to invade Norway unfeasible at this moment. I mean, it would be a PR nightmare — destroying the very people who honoured him for peace. It’d be so not politically correct.”

Gibbs also expressed his displeasure at how the Norwegian people handled the threat of being displaced by a theme park.

“They’re pretty sneaky, aren’t they? Somehow they got to know about our warships approaching their waters, and got the Nobel people to spring this on the president.

“Such manipulative bunch of bastards.”

Asked if the president had another country in mind to turn into the winter paradise, Gibbs said that the choices were limited.

“Sweden is quite nice, but President Obama knows that the First Lady has a liking for IKEA products, so invading that nation would not go down too well with her.

“I think the most likely scenario this year is that the president would be finding a replacement Christmas gift instead, and save Norway for next year. He’s still keen on raining hell upon the Scandinavian nation to get the winter park concept rolling, but let’s just say that this year, he’ll probably be going out shopping again.”

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