Apple launches iMan to complement iPhone 6 & Apple Watch

Cupertino, CA — After launching iPhone 6, iPhone 6 Plus and the Apple Watch on Tuesday, Apple Inc. today launched iMan, a revolutionary new product especially designed for discerning women looking for smart men.

DREAM MAN: Tim Cook displaying Apple’s latest offerings, the iMan, iPhone 6 and the Apple Watch

The iMan, due to be shipped starting November, are healthy, smart, charismatic, athletic and completely dreamy men whose primary goal in life is to please their ladies.

“It helps that the iMan models are also good-looking,” said Apple CEO Tim Cook at the launch, much to the delight of the mostly female audience. “Just like any other Apple product, we’ve made sure that the iMan is something you’d be proud parading around and displaying while you sip your lattes.”

The first-generation smart man joins the barrage of hyper-innovative smart phones, smart tablets and smart wearables that analysts say would not only satiate the hunger of Apple fans around the world who have been waiting for ‘the next big thing’, but also serve to boost the company’s performance after losing ground to rivals Samsung and new entries from China.

Pinching the pecs of one iMan on stage to display the absurdly handsome features of the shiny product, Cook said that each iMan was designed to the strict specifications of what women look for in the idea of a ‘perfect man’.

“Of course, what each woman want in men might be different, so we approached the iMan design with a mixture of top-of-the-line core features, plus unparalleled customisation.

“The iMan comes in the standard peak age-range of 25- to 40-years old, but you can have your iMan in white, black, beige, pale, brown or anything in between. You can pretty much custom-order your iMan to be of any ethnicity and skin colour. Heck, you can even order your smart-man to resemble almost any handsome celebrity — we’ve got a template of over 1,500 hot men from around the world,” said Cook, adding jokingly that he may be on the list too.

Other than being super smart, considerate and good natured as being standard, the iMan comes in three variants, the iMan ‘e’, ‘b’ and ‘m’.

“The ‘e’ stands for ’emo’,” said Cook. “This variant has high sensitivity and emotional intelligence quotient, so expect this iMan to understand your every feeling. We designed this model for women who seek an emotional equal. You can chat about virtually anything all night long and he won’t turn into a zombie like most regular guys do.

“The ‘b’ model is all about brains. Some women are stimulated by highly intelligent men, so this variant, while still being completely wonderful as a life partner, will thrill you with his genius mind. However, to avoid this iMan to turn into a total geek or smart aleck that might turn you off, you can adjust the iMan b’s intelligence setting, between ‘Top Student’ to ‘Stephen Hawking’.

“The ‘m’ model in the meantime, focuses on machismo,” Cook added, flexing his own arm muscles. “This iMan is all about brawn and strength, yet still retaining the sensitivity of your dream man.

“Think of it as your personal Hercules in touch with his feminine side.”

Cook said that the iMan, with prices starting at US$499, comes with 20 hours of battery life, depending on usage. “We’re working to extend the active time of each iMan of course, but if you think about it, the iMan is still better than a regular man who typically needs 8 hours of sleep every day. It’s an ongoing innovation process.

“Additionally, we’re working to add more features to future models, such as the ability to make money and be nice to in-laws. So while currently you’d have to pay for his meals and sustain his lifestyle, iMan 2 will be completely self-reliant, and may even support your household income.”

Anwar: PR to take Cyberjaya if Putrajaya bid fails

ANWAR: “Putrajaya isn’t the only option”

KUALA LUMPUR — With the general election date looming, Opposition leader Datuk Seri Anwar Ibrahim today said that Pakatan Rakyat’s drive to take over Putrajaya is in full swing. However, he stated that should that goal not be met, the coalition, comprising PKR, DAP and PAS, would be happy to capture Cyberjaya instead.

“We understand that with all the campaign money spent by the other side, it’s an uphill battle to wrestle Putrajaya from Barisan Nasional,” said Anwar at the campaign headquarters in Kelana Jaya to reporters. “What more with constituency demarcations and other naughty things that happen during the elections, we’ve certainly got the odds stacked against us.

“So our strategy is two-prong: should Putrajaya fail, our Plan B is to take its next-door neighbour, Cyberjaya,” he said confidently, as his lieutenants nodded in unison. “It may not be as glamorous as Putrajaya, but it has its charms.”

“Cyberjaya has some good-looking buildings and road designs. I think the Shell building, with its futuristic theme, looks awesome. And the MDeC office building — its homely atmosphere is absolutely a bliss,” he said, showing some A3-sized photos of iconic structures in the IT hub.

COMPARABLE: Putrajaya night scene (top) and Cyberjaya’s planned Sky Park (bottom)

“Fine, Putrajaya has a big lake and a bunch of fancy bridges littering the city, but really, who needs a huge lake with bridges? And Alamanda mall? Cyberjaya’s got Street Mall, baby!” said Anwar, referring to the cluster of various stores comprising Hassan’s Cafe mamak shop, Gomez Polyclinic, Kyros Kebab, Penang Cafe and the odd sundry shop, telco distributor, art shop, print shop, laundry service and other eateries. “And with more shopping centres and office blocks coming up such as de’Pulze, Shaftsbury and Sky Park, it’s a thriving place to be seen at.”

Anwar also pointed out the difference between the Putrajaya population and the residents of Cyberjaya. “While Putrajaya may have the clean-cut family community, Cyberjaya is filled with young and energetic students, thanks to Limkokwing University of Creative Technology, Multimedia University and a few other colleges. This is not counting the young technocrats that make up the population. For goodness sake, Cyberjaya’s got TWO Starbucks within walking distance to each other!,” he enthused.

Answering a reporter’s question about what he’d do if Pakatan fails to capture even Cyberjaya, Anwar gave a firm answer, “Well, there’s always Petaling Jaya, Subang Jaya, TTDI Jaya or even Bertam Jaya, which was formerly known as Batang Berjuntai. So, there’s plenty of options for us. We’re very confident of capturing at least one of those.”

Toys ‘R’ Us admits to supplying Santa with toys

THE IMAGE: Santa delivering toys supposedly made by his elves

NORTH POLE — For ages, children around the world were led to believe that the toys Santa Claus left in their stockings on Christmas mornings were lovingly made by his merry elves.

However, that belief was blown away to pieces today when giant toy store franchise Toys ‘R’ Us revealed that it had been supplying most, if not all, of the jovial Christmas icon’s gifts for the last decade.

In a written statement, Chairman and CEO Gerald Storch said that the company was no longer willing to ‘hide the truth’ from the world and ‘continue living an ugly lie’ by letting Santa Claus take the credit for the high quality toys children get every Christmas morning.

“The orders for the latest toys started coming in from North Pole in October 1997,” said Storch. “We at Toys ‘R’ Us were naturally ecstatic at first. Which company wouldn’t like a big corporate buyer knocking on their door?

“As the orders continued and grew the following years, so did our bank accounts. We did wonder who was behind these orders, since the company bought through an agent, who only stated that the buyer was a foundation set up by a ‘well-respected and jolly philantropist’ who ‘loved kids’. He was a very prompt paymaster, so we never bothered about the details.

“However, as we began receiving reports that children around the world were getting ‘more hip and trendy’ toys in their stockings from Santa, unlike the usual traditional ones made of wood, tin and cloth he delivers, our suspicions grew.”

Storch added that his company’s intial investigations showed obvious signs.

“We contacted some of the children who reported that they got uber-cool toys — which they had actually asked for in the wish list they sent Santa — and purchased their toys for investigation. The results were both stunning, and disappointing.

“We discovered that the toys were the ones we sold to our North Pole buyer, but only repackaged and had their logos stripped off. Even the serial numbers were scaled off. However, via the serial numbers found on the inner parts of some of the toys, we determined that the toys were from us.”

Storch said that the company’s board of directors were then faced with a moral dilemma — while Santa’s actions were very healthy to Toys ‘R’ Us’ balance sheets, it was an ‘outright deception’, and ran against the company’s principles.

“In the end, we decided that money is not as important as preserving the honest spirit of Christmas,” said Storch. “We had to make this public, even if we risk losing this big account.”

Toys ‘R’ Us would not reveal how much the Santa account is worth, but sources say that it ran into billions a year.

A spokesman for Santa Claus Inc, in response, said that it was not a deception, but simply ‘a new business model, in line with a global strategy deemed necessary in the new millennium’.

Chief communications officer Elf Rowan said, “Santa Claus would like to state that he sees nothing wrong with subbing out the manufacturing process of his toys to other parties, to improve efficiency and keep up with the times.

“He realises that the kids these days demand more from their toys, and acknowledge that his own toy factory, manned by millions of hardworking and merry elves, was not able to produce such electronic and digital products, and cope with the rising number of children worldwide. He saw, and still sees, no harm in sourcing out, as long as the quality is high and the kids are happy.”

Elf Rowan refused to say if Santa would stop buying from Toys ‘R’ Us, in light of this revelation.

“Santa will have the whole of next year to evaluate the current situation. He will make a statement at a much later date.”

Toy manufacturers Hasbro and Mattel, when contacted, said that they were not concerned about whom the kids get their products from.

“As long as our high quality, super-cool and uber kick-ass toys fly off the shelves and make our customers happy playing and learning, we’re okay,” they said, in a joint statement.

Ultraman in hot soup for killing giant croc

COAST OF JAPAN — Was it an accident? A hero’s overenthusiasm in figthing anything seemingly evil to save humanity? Or was it a case of a superbeing’s indifference to the environment and the planet?

Whatever the reason, Ultraman, Japan’s 200-foot superhero, self-proclaimed saviour of humanity and protector against evil, is in trouble for killing a rare breed of giant crocodile, which migrates to the island nation every 76 years to lay eggs. The incident happened yesterday, as the crocodile, lovingly dubbed by locals as ‘kyodai-na wani’ (giant crocodile) approached the shore from its  deep-ocean habitat.

The unfortunate event began when the 250-foot, 550-tonne benign beast broke the water surface approximately 850 feet from the beach at 5.13pm. An American tourist, obviously ignorant of the local wildlife and legendary creature, panicked and called the authorities, erroneously describing how ‘a giant monster is coming to devour Tokyo’. The call naturally went up to the Japanese chapter of the global agency assigned to tackle sinister alien and giant monsters, a special police force known as the Science Special Search Patrol, or SSSP, which has a close working relationship with Ultraman.

However, unlike what is stipulated in SSSP’s S.O.P. (standard operating procedure), which demands that alien or giant visitors be granted ‘friend or foe status check’ before any action is taken, the agency immediately called its Ultra-being friend and the crocodile was methodically attacked and violently killed before it could begin laying its eggs.

MERCILESS: A picture taken by a horrified Japanese passerby

“If the SSSP had followed procedures, they would have found out that the crocodile was harmless,” said Tokyo governor Shintaro Ishihara. “Anyone with a little knowledge of history and an ounce of respect for nature would simply have done a background check with the city’s administration office — or even the library — and seen that the gentle creature visited the shore every 76 years or so simply to lay eggs, and not to destroy anything, like many of the usual monsters who visit us.

“But look what happened now. They killed kyodai-na wani, one of the very few left of its kind in the world. Just like that. Like many denizens of this great city, I’m very angry.”

Captain Muramatsu, head of SSSP Japan, confirmed that ‘a breakdown in process flow’ had resulted in the killing of the friendly giant.

“My team had just returned from a fierce battle with a gigantic mutant lobster in north Honshu in the morning, and was not in any state to fight another giant monster in the evening. The guys were tired, and immediately summoned Ultraman when the call came,” said Muramatsu. “I’m not offering any excuse. They should have checked first before calling Ultraman. But really, I wouldn’t blame SSSP. We cannot control Ultraman or what he does when he ‘deals’ with the alien or monster threat.

“Whatever the case, I promise a thorough investigation.”

The agency has a long record of letting their alien partner settle their giant problems in the past. It is believed that this year alone, Ultraman disposed of 38 out of 41 hostile visitors who wreaked havoc in the city.

“Ultraman is nothing but SSSP’s hired killer,” said Hitoshi Kobu, founder of Save the Monsters, an NGO that has been fighting for giant rights for the last 30 years. “He himself is a destroyer, not a saviour. Like a rabid rottweiler, his first instinct is to kill, and what could be better than getting a target once or twice every month, courtesy of the SSSP? And now, we’ve got a dead giant crocodile, a gentle and lovable soul whose only motive was to precreate.”

Kobu said that this was not the first time Ultraman was involved in a ‘friendly fire’.

“In 1994, a giant squid broke the water surface near Kobe after losing its bearing. It approached a passing cruise ship to ask for directions, but the ignorant people called the SSSP instead.

“The rest, well, we all remember the story. The bay had to live with the black ink from the innocent squid for the next three months.

Kobu said that for the longest time, his organisation has been saying that the SSSP was more interested in a monster killing spree than respecting life. He also added that he suspected that one of the SSSP operative could be Ultraman himself.

“We’ve had inside information that a certain ‘Officer Hayata’ was actually Ultraman, but when we tried to verify this lead, the contact person inexplicably disappeared.

“But think about it. If Ultraman was directly working for SSSP, then obviously the agency has a policy of destroy first, talk later.”

Governor Ishihara, meanwhile, said that the city would have a tough time dealing with the loss of the giant crocodile.

A GREAT LOSS: Japan's Coast Guard investigating the remains of the giant crocodile

“Cleanup will be the least of the problem. We’ve been cleaning one giant carcass every month, so we’re OK there,” said the governor sadly.

“It’s the loss of a national treasure. Yes, there are reportedly four giant crocodiles left in the world, but this one is only one who visits Japan. In a way, it is — it was — part of our heritage… our identity.”

Ishihara said that sanctions against Ultraman and the SSSP management are possible.

“We’ll have to relook at their powers after this, to prevent more of this kind of mishap. A restricted residence order for the so-called superhero, perhaps. We’ll see.

“Whatever it is, we will not have the silver-and-red monster, or his Ultra being siblings, running around killing anything they like. It’s bad enough that we’ve had to live with the colossal collateral damage from their epic battles for last few decades. Enough is enough.”

Sabah & Sarawak to be relocated

KUALA LUMPUR — In an effort to strengthen national unity and in line with the 1Malaysia concept, Prime Minister Datuk Seri Mohd Najib Tun Razak announced today that the East Malaysian states of Sabah and Sarawak would be moved to the peninsula.

BEFORE: Sabah and Sarawak in their current location

Speaking at a Press conference after a Cabinet meeting, Najib said that the relocation was necessary to ensure that the nation’s different peoples would not have any more physical boundaries to mix around.

“We’ve had the vast South China Sea separating the two Malaysias for the longest time now,” said the Prime Minister excitedly. “It’s time to close the gap, and allow our different races, tribes and cultures to naturally immerse with one another.”

The relocation plan is scheduled to start next year, with reclamation works commencing in May.

AFTER: The new, unified '1Malaysia' Malaysia

“It’s a big project, costing well over RM850 trillion,” said Najib. “The project would take 10 years to complete, since we’d need to move all the soil, water sources, flora, fauna, man-made structures and of course, the people. But it’ll be worth it, since we’ll truly be 1Malaysia.”

The two huge states, spanning nearly 200,000 square kilometres, are now part of the greater Borneo island together with Brunei Darussalam and the part of Indonesia called Kalimantan, but would be joined with the eastern side of Peninsular Malaysia.

“The states would be reconstructed almost exactly identical to how they are now,” said Najib. “This would ensure that the natives would not feel ‘out of place’ when they move back to their relocated homes.

“Of course, we might ‘improve’ some things when we rebuild the states. We’re thinking, maybe Mount Kinabalu could be higher than Everest. I mean, why not? It’s not every day that you get to change what nature has given us.

“And if we take the soil from inside Gua Niah and use it to add on Mount Kinabalu’s height, we’d get both a bigger cave and taller mountain, effectively rewriting two Guinness World Records. Now that’s what I call value for money!”

Asked what the neighbouring Brunei and Indonesia had to say about the move, Najib said that he had discussed the issues with the leaders of both nations.

“His Majesty the Sultan of Brunei did ask me why we were taking Sabah and Sarawak away, leaving his kingdom just a group of tiny islands in the middle of the South China Sea. The Indonesian president also voiced his concern,” said the PM.

“However, I told them that we all need to ‘hijrah’ to better ourselves, and that neighbours move away all the time. And I also reassured them that although we may be physically further after this, we would always be close in our hearts. They were very understanding.

“Besides, after this, there’d be no more issue of illegal smuggling across the borders and such.”

On protests by the Kelantan state government, citing the ‘loss of a coastline’ and ‘off-shore petroleum’, Najib said that this is of national interest, and the opposition-held state administration should not be so selfish.

“These people simply refuse to understand the importance of 1Malaysia. They keep on looking a the small things like the death of their fishing industry or the loss of billions of ringgit of income.

“Serves the Kelantanese people right for voting in such small-minded leaders.”

Rais: Let’s call it Demam Pukimako

Rais explaining the new name

KUALA LUMPUR — Fresh from being snubbed by the Health Ministry on his proposal that we revert to calling the H1N1 Influenza “Selsema Babi” (Swine Flu), Information Minister Datuk Seri Utama Dr Rais Yatim has proposed that the global pandemic be referred to as “Demam Pukimako” instead.

Speaking at a hastily-called Press conference at Angkasapuri today, Rais said that the proposal is tabled to avoid further confusion amongst the citizens, who now don’t know what to call the disease, which has taken over 1,000 lives worldwide.

“First it was ‘Swine Flu’ or ‘Selsema Babi’, and some people and some pigs got offended,” said Rais, annoyed. “Then it was ‘H1N1’, but then it was torn between either ‘H Satu N Satu’ or ‘H One N One’. I tried to make it simple by going back to the original, ‘Selsema Babi’, coz I think it’s a babi of a disease. But then some people don’t agree. So now, I say fuck it. Let’s call it for what it is.

“It’s a pukimak of a disease. It’s spreading, and we’re losing the war, despite everything we’re doing. So there. Pukimako.”

Asked if he took offence to the Health Ministry and the medical fraternity not accepting his previous proposal, Rais responded, “Pukimako.”

“They’re the ‘real’ doctors, yeah? Like the ‘Dr’ in front of my name don’t mean jack shit, yeah? Pukimako.”

Rais said that to make the name more complete, he also proposed a sign language hand gesture for the hearing impaired.

The Pukimako sign language gesture

“Take one hand, hold it like a fist, with the thumb area pointing upwards. Then slap that part of the hand loudly with the other palm, as you quietly mouth ‘Pukimako’. That should do the trick, especially when you’re describing your flu-like symptoms with your doctor, or officers from the Health Ministry.”

The Press conference ended as abruptly as it began, with Dr Rais screaming at the top of his lungs as he left, “PUKIMAKOOOOO!”

Maths and Science to be taught in Bahalish

MUHYIDDIN: Luking fowed tu yusing Bahalish tu tich Methemetiks end Sains in skuls

KUALA LUMPUR — In a decision expected to appease both sides of the divide, the Education Ministry has said that Mathematics and Science in schools would be taught in Bahalish, an intergration of Bahasa Malaysia and the English language.

“We thought long and hard about the issue,” said Minister of Education Tan Sri Muhyiddin Yassin, at a Press conference at the ministry, which was also attended by his Education officers and language consultants. “We realised that this is a very sensitive issue, one that not only touches the future of our children, but also the fabric of our multi-racial society. So we had to be extremely careful, and try to find a win-win situation for everyone.”

The issue of picking the language to teach the two subjects has been a hot one since the decision to use English was adopted a few years ago, sending temperatures rising among educationists, politicians and the common man. On one hand, suppoters of teaching in English say that it is the only way Malaysian students can prepare for global competition since English is the world’s lingua franca, and that most of the world’s knowledge is stored in that language. Critics, however, say that many students are struggling with the language, and by using English to teach Maths and Science in schools, they would end up struggling with Maths and Science too, further exacerbating the situation. Adding fuel to the fire are some politicians, who have somehow managed to make it a racial issue.

“I have to admit, it was getting very complicated. Convoluted. We somehow needed to simplify it, and not lose our focus,” said Muhyiddin. “And then it dawned on us — to simplify the big issue, we needed to simplify the core problem, which is the medium itself.

“And so, our panel of experts deliberated, pouring over data and conducting extensive research, to finally arrive to the conclusion: we must intergrate the languages. Hence, the new and improved Bahalish! This way, there is no issue of ‘which language to use’.”

Muhyiddin then demonstrated the simplicity of the new language.

“For example, if one were to say in English, ‘The big brown fox jumps over the lazy dog’, the Bahalish translation would be ‘De big braun foks jamps ove e lezi dog’. See? Very simple, yes?” he asked, confidently.

He added, “And the beauty is that you can also say it in a more Bahasa-skewed Bahalish, like this: ‘Moo-sung young burr-saur eetoo mer-lowm-putt merler-puss-see sir-eh-core un-jeeng marr-lus’. I mean, it’s so easy, even a pre-schooler would be able to pick it up in a jiffy. I’m getting goosebumps just speaking in Bahalish!” Muhyiddin said in jest, as his language experts laugh in agreement, eyes red and puffy presumably from the sleepless nights doing their experty stuff.

“We’ll start using Bahalish next month, after getting all textbooks and materials translated and distributed to all schools. English and Bahasa Malaysia would no longer be taught, since they’re redundant, and will be replaced by intensive Bahalish courses. I am confident this decision will be accepted with open mind by everyone involved,” he added. “We take care of everyone’s feelings, no culture is marginalised, and most importantly, our children will have access to the world’s knowledge with no problem whatsoever.

“In fact, we believe the world will see our wisdom and start adopting Bahalish very soon.”

Asked what the ministry plans to do with the other languages taught in schools, Tamil and Mandarin, Muhyiddin said that Bahalish has opened up the floodgates for more innovation.

“Our teams will work on it. Frankly, I don’t see anything wrong with combining other languages. Will it be Tamdarin, or Manmil? It could be both. And at the end of the day, I dream of one common language, in line with our Prime Minister’s noble concept of 1Malaysia.

“I hope that one day, we’ll all be speaking, writing, learning and doing business in Bahalishtamdarin.”

Batman and John Connor may be same guy

SPECIAL REPORT

 

 

The build, gaze and intensity were similar. The voice was familiar, somewhat. But the pout was unmistakable.

For years, many have felt a certain tingling of déjà vu when they came across Batman, the ‘dark knight’ of Gotham City, and John Connor, saviour of the human race in the future-world fight against the machines, the Terminators. People were suspicious, but no one could ever prove the possibility — that the two heroes are one and the same!

In this explosive report, an expert gives the evidences that ask, ‘Is the saviour of Gotham and the future the same person?…’

———————————————————————————– 

GOTHAM CITY & FUTURE EARTH — Batman may be a superhero, a mortal man projecting an immortal and fearsome image in his fight against the scum in a sick metropolis. He may be some dark angel bringing salvation to the weak and the wronged. But, any psychologist would tell you, he is also a man leading a double life.

Now, an expert says that he seems to be a man who leads a triple life.

For he is Batman, the caped crusader, the dark knight. He is also an ordinary man with no superheroic powers. He is, so far, nameless (there had been allegations that he is Bruce Wayne, the billionaire playboy and philantropist, but this, we believe is utter rubbish due to the lack of any similar traits and physical resemblence). Recently, some quarters seem to have presented ‘irrefutable evidence’ that say he is also John Connor, the future messiah who would lead a human uprising against the self-aware AI Skynet and its band of terminator machines. An expert gives his take.

Physical similarities

Batman and John Connor (file pictures)

“The most stark similarity would be the angry scowl, resulting in the perpetual frown accentuated in the area between the eyebrows,” said Prof. Edward Langley, chief face recognition expert at PKF Technologies, the supplier of automated face recognition systems for security purposes at the last Olympics. “The lines pronounced in the bottom half of Batman’s forehead is also visible on John Connor’s forehead. It’s unmistakable.”

As these two file photos above show, even at first glance, the similarities begin to emerge.

The similarity does not end there. “If one studies Batman’s nose structure, he would find that the size, angle, elevation and how the groove blends effortlessly into the slightly-protruding top lip that makes the caped crusader’s mouth seem pouty, also very much evident in John Connor’s face,” said Prof Langley, who also runs a private investigations agency. “And that’s not even going into his cold, steely gaze yet.

“Absolutely similar. I’ll bet my bottom dollar that they’re the same guy. John Connor moonlights as a caped crusader, or vise versa.”

“Adding to the physical similarities would be the dark knight’s throaty, but whispery voice… almost a hissy but scary tone,” added Langley. “John Connor displayed — or will display, since he’s a man from a distant future — the same voice while battling the T-1000 cybernetic killers. They — no, he — couldn’t mask that.”

How?

Professor Langley said that while it seems improbable that a crime fighter from the Gotham City of the present day could also be kicking robot butt two decades in the future without looking a day older, the technology exists.

“I won’t pretend to know what or where the technology could be,” said Langley. “But there have been a few cases of inter-era or inter-reality travel before. How else could you explain the white wizard Gandalf frolicking in a maroon helmet fighting the X-Men? It’s the same case of same-guy, different roles. It’s mind-blowing.

“But looking at it logically, it’s already easy to deduce that it’s the same fellow suiting up in a bat costume, and crushing terminator skulls. You never see them together. No alibi. Now that, people, is proof enough.”

Why?

“Frankly I don’t know. Only psychologists would be able to explain why a hero from one era would want to travel to another to again, save humanity,” said Langley. “Maybe Batman/Connor feels like the responsibility to save the world and be a hero is his solely.

“Maybe he’s just an action junkie. Who knows.”

Raja Petra, wife believed to be in space

The elusive Raja Petra

KUALA LUMPUR — Controversial blogger Raja Petra Kamarudin is believed to be hiding in outer space, according to police sources. The 58-year-old political activist and his wife, Marina Lee Abdullah, are in hiding after a warrant for his arrest was issued, following his failure to turn up at his sedition trial on April 23.

“We’ve confirmed his whereabouts,” said an officer who declined to be named, asking to be referred to as ‘Ali’. “There was information saying that he was in Brisbane, Australia, but our counterparts there have ruled it out. We were left with only two possibilities: either the fugitive and his wife have fled into outer space, or they have achieved the ultimate enlightenment and transcended into pure energy.

“But of course, seeing how difficult it is to achieve ultimate enlightenment, what with the cost and all, the only logical possibility is that Raja Petra and Marina have somehow escaped our grasp — and gravity — and are now being harboured by some extraterrestrial being in space.”

The mystery of the couple’s whereabouts, owner and editor of popular news and opinion website Malaysia Today, began when authorities could not find any record of them leaving Malaysia via the normal channels, causing some quarters assuming that they left the country using ‘lubang tikus’ (rat hole), or ‘unofficial’ means.

“We investigated that possibility,” said Ali, confidently. “However, after scouring every rat hole we could find, we could not trace anything that they went that way.

“Besides, while Marina’s pretty slim and small-built, Raja Petra is pretty chubby. I do not believe he could fit in a rat hole.”

Raja Petra and Marina while on Earth

Ali added that he’s not too perturbed by the fact that Raja Petra still criticises the government on his blog from his current location, and that it was just a matter of time before the law catches up with the ‘seditious and lying fool’.

“He may think he can escape Malaysian laws by going into space, but he has obviously underestimated the reach of our police,” said Ali, laughing. “Does he not know that while we may not have any jurisdiction in other people’s countries, we still can arrest him in space? I mean, outer space belongs to no one, so we don’t need to go through other governments or even Interpol to get to him. Silly, silly man. Such an amateurish mistake.

“The task is now being handled by PDRM’s Interstellar Squad, a top-secret unit established for these kinds of missions. We’re hot on his trail, and before long, he’ll be back in our jail cell, going on hunger strike or stupid things like that.”

Ali leaves a chilling warning to those harbouring or assisting the blogger in his defiance of the law.

“I don’t care what you are, human or extra terrestrial. We’ll get him, and you too. I’ll be having the last laugh when you go ‘E.T phone home, E.T. phone home’. You little illegal alien.”

Primates unhappy with Perak State Assembly fracas

TAIPING — Monkeys and apes of various species housed at the Taiping Zoo expressed their disappointment today with the recent public scuffle at the Perak State Assembly Hall, which saw the Pakatan Rakyat Speaker A. Sivakumar being dragged out of the hall by security officers and Barisan Nasional installing its own Speaker.

Hitam, accompanied by his fellow chimpanzees

“It’s an absolute disgrace, I say,” lamented Hitam, a chimpanzee elder, as the rest of the clan looked on in agreement. “In my many years living in Perak, I have never felt so ashamed to be a citizen of the state. For complete adults — elected assemblymen at that!– to shout profanities and come to blows in a state assembly hall as the world watched… it’s ridiculous!”

Hitam continued, “Yes, the situation was bad. The legitimacy of the BN action to usurp the state government powers via defections was being challenged. The legitimacy of the very institutions of government — the executive, judiciary and parliament — was in doubt, and there was an unbreakable political impasse.

“But was there a need to be uncivilized? I think not.”

Hitam reiterated that he was not affiliated to any political party and he wasn’t on anyone’s side, saying that he was more concerned about the ‘steady collapse of human decency’.

“I mean, these are completely well-respected and supposedly intelligent leaders of society,” he said. “Instead of calmly and diplomatically trying to solve the issues amicably, they used brute and, I must say, ugly force to get their way. It’s preposterous! Where has all manners gone?” he asked, to the loud chant of “Shame! Shame! Shame!” by his fellow chimps.

PR's Speaker, Sivakumar in the middle of a tug-of-war between the assemblymen

In the five-hour drama at the hall in Ipoh, the state capitol last Thursday, BN assemblymen took control of the assembly after voting to sack the Pakatan Speaker, who maintained that the assembly was null and void, since there were many pending court cases that would determine who was the rightful Menteri Besar, between BN’s Datuk Seri Dr Zambry Abd Kadir or PR’s Datuk Seri Mohammad Nizar Jamaluddin. The fracas was the climax of a legal and political wrangling which began when 3 PR assemblymen left the coalition to be ‘independents friendly to BN’.

“What I don’t get is how a situation that could have been resolved in a manner befitting of such a place ended up looking like a wrestling match,” said Upin, a silverback gorilla who was introduced to the zoo in 2003. “Unlike some of my colleagues here, I had spent a part of my life in the jungle. But honestly I have never witnessed such brutality — people being shoved around and dragged out in such violent and unseemly manner! It’s just sickening!

Upin the silverback gorilla

“Why couldn’t the assemblymen just behaved better? Why couldn’t everyone just kept their tempers in check and simply agree to disagree?”

Upin added that he’d lost much respect — and hope — for the elected representatives.

“This incident has definitely opened my eyes,” he said, forelorn. “I used to think that these people, these servants of our society, are the best of us, to represent not just our people, but our principles and aspirations. They were the symbols of our civilization.

“But now, I ask: What civilization? Bah!” he scoffed, as he munched on nearby leaves.

Limah, a four-year-old proboscis monkey, meanwhile said that it was ‘the beginning of the end for civility and true democracy’.

“I’ve taught my children all this while that we live in a civilized society, and that we could always depend on our leaders to nurture our democracy for the sake of the country and the future generations.

“But look at them, it’s disgusting!” she said, showing Malaysiakini clips from the incident on her laptop.

Limah: "A sad, sad day for the country"

“It’s a sad, sad day for the state, and a sadder day for the country, when people behave so wildly and without proper conduct. I honestly am now looking at migrating to another country, where people behave better. I want my kids to learn that even if you disagree with someone, you should never take away their dignity by being violent.

“At the end of the day, you also rob yourself of your own dignity.”