KUALA LUMPUR — Controversial blogger Raja Petra Kamarudin is believed to be hiding in outer space, according to police sources. The 58-year-old political activist and his wife, Marina Lee Abdullah, are in hiding after a warrant for his arrest was issued, following his failure to turn up at his sedition trial on April 23.
“We’ve confirmed his whereabouts,” said an officer who declined to be named, asking to be referred to as ‘Ali’. “There was information saying that he was in Brisbane, Australia, but our counterparts there have ruled it out. We were left with only two possibilities: either the fugitive and his wife have fled into outer space, or they have achieved the ultimate enlightenment and transcended into pure energy.
“But of course, seeing how difficult it is to achieve ultimate enlightenment, what with the cost and all, the only logical possibility is that Raja Petra and Marina have somehow escaped our grasp — and gravity — and are now being harboured by some extraterrestrial being in space.”
The mystery of the couple’s whereabouts, owner and editor of popular news and opinion website Malaysia Today, began when authorities could not find any record of them leaving Malaysia via the normal channels, causing some quarters assuming that they left the country using ‘lubang tikus’ (rat hole), or ‘unofficial’ means.
“We investigated that possibility,” said Ali, confidently. “However, after scouring every rat hole we could find, we could not trace anything that they went that way.
“Besides, while Marina’s pretty slim and small-built, Raja Petra is pretty chubby. I do not believe he could fit in a rat hole.”
Ali added that he’s not too perturbed by the fact that Raja Petra still criticises the government on his blog from his current location, and that it was just a matter of time before the law catches up with the ‘seditious and lying fool’.
“He may think he can escape Malaysian laws by going into space, but he has obviously underestimated the reach of our police,” said Ali, laughing. “Does he not know that while we may not have any jurisdiction in other people’s countries, we still can arrest him in space? I mean, outer space belongs to no one, so we don’t need to go through other governments or even Interpol to get to him. Silly, silly man. Such an amateurish mistake.
“The task is now being handled by PDRM’s Interstellar Squad, a top-secret unit established for these kinds of missions. We’re hot on his trail, and before long, he’ll be back in our jail cell, going on hunger strike or stupid things like that.”
Ali leaves a chilling warning to those harbouring or assisting the blogger in his defiance of the law.
“I don’t care what you are, human or extra terrestrial. We’ll get him, and you too. I’ll be having the last laugh when you go ‘E.T phone home, E.T. phone home’. You little illegal alien.”