Tag Archives: swine flu

H1N1 virus upset Malaysians riled up over other things and not it

DISAPPOINTED: H1N1 virus

KUALA LUMPUR — The Influenza (A) H1N1 virus, who wreaked havoc by causing the Swine Flu pandemic around the world a few months ago, is deeply upset that Malaysians have generally reacted more strongly to other events in the past few weeks as compared to when the disease was at its height.

Speaking at a Press conference inside a human host yesterday, H1N1 said that it felt slighted that Malaysians were so easily rattled and emotionally affected by issues of religion and race, spooked by baseless rumours and hearsay, and were very easily swayed by certain quarters’ political propaganda, while these same people couldn’t care less about their lives when the flu pandemic was ravaging the world, including Malaysia.

“I was killing people, man. Killing,” said H1N1 sadly. “How many fatalities did I clock up in Malaysia, what, almost a hundred? More? Dude, I was evil!

“But were people scared? Did they get panicked and run helter-skelter? Prayed in mass congregations asking God to help alleviate the disaster that was me? No!” shouted H1N1, flustered.

WHAT FLU? While authorities encouraged safety precautions during the swine flu outbreak, some people couldn't care less

“People were dying almost everyday, but I didn’t see everyone donning face masks,” it continued, as it fused itself onto a nearby lung cell and began its degenerative infection. “Sure, there were daily alerts in the papers. Hospitals began scanning people and sticking little red stickers on them to show ‘oh, we’re doing something’. But were people on the streets really scared? Did they change their lifestyles drastically to avert being infected? Hell no.

“I still saw idiots going to movies and smooching at the back of the theatres, breathing the same air some virus carrier might be sneezing out!” said the flu virus, visibly upset as it overwhelmed its host’s defences.

“But what happens when they argue over a word? Boom — churches, suraus and now, even a Sikh temple get vandalised. Hate mails fly around, the net is inundated with outbursts and name-calling. What the fuck?’

H1N1 also added that it is simply mystified by how easy it is for people to believe rumours.

“My previous host got this SMS, advising him to remove all indications of his religious beliefs from his car, be it stickers or religious ornaments, ‘for fear of someone smashing his windows’. And he promptly did.

“Look, I understand if he wanted to play it safe — I always believe it’s better to be safe than sorry — but for crying out loud, he went ahead to stock up on food supplies and bought a mobile generator, fearing an all-out riot on the streets! What a dope.

“He should have checked with the local cops and other authorities for facts instead of easily believing every single rumour he hears. Facts, man. Just the facts.”

H1N1 then offered an advice to Malaysians in general.

“Look, you guys have got to get your priorities right, man,” he said, forlorn. “You get upset and get all drama-queen for something so easily solved by rational discussions. But when it comes to something actually dangerous, you think it won’t happen to you, and you go on with your lives.

“How many of you wear seat belts in the car?” the virus asked, sternly. “Face the facts. Arguments and misunderstandings over words can’t kill you. But I can.

“And I’m far from finished. My friends and I are planning a comeback, so get your tissues and facemasks ready, and get your hospitals to stock up on Tamiflu.

“Panic.”

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Rais: Let’s call it Demam Pukimako

Rais explaining the new name

Rais explaining the new name

KUALA LUMPUR — Fresh from being snubbed by the Health Ministry on his proposal that we revert to calling the H1N1 Influenza “Selsema Babi” (Swine Flu), Information Minister Datuk Seri Utama Dr Rais Yatim has proposed that the global pandemic be referred to as “Demam Pukimako” instead.

Speaking at a hastily-called Press conference at Angkasapuri today, Rais said that the proposal is tabled to avoid further confusion amongst the citizens, who now don’t know what to call the disease, which has taken over 1,000 lives worldwide.

“First it was ‘Swine Flu’ or ‘Selsema Babi’, and some people and some pigs got offended,” said Rais, annoyed.¬†“Then it was ‘H1N1’, but then it was torn between either ‘H Satu N Satu’ or ‘H One N One’. I tried to make it simple by going back to the original, ‘Selsema Babi’, coz I think it’s a babi of a disease. But then some people don’t agree. So now, I say fuck it. Let’s call it for what it is.

“It’s a pukimak of a disease. It’s spreading, and we’re losing the war, despite everything we’re doing. So there. Pukimako.”

Asked if he took offence to the Health Ministry and the medical fraternity not accepting his previous proposal, Rais responded, “Pukimako.”

“They’re the ‘real’ doctors, yeah? Like the ‘Dr’ in front of my name don’t mean jack shit, yeah? Pukimako.”

Rais said that to make the name more complete, he also proposed a sign language hand gesture for the hearing impaired.

The Pukimako sign language gesture

The Pukimako sign language gesture

“Take one hand, hold it like a fist, with the thumb area pointing upwards. Then slap that part of the hand loudly with the other palm, as you quietly¬†mouth ‘Pukimako’. That should do the trick, especially when you’re describing your flu-like symptoms with your doctor, or officers from the Health Ministry.”

The Press conference ended as abruptly as it began, with Dr Rais screaming at the top of his lungs as he left, “PUKIMAKOOOOO!”

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