KELANA JAYA — Opposition leader Dato’ Seri Anwar Ibrahim today announced that Pakatan Rakyat will be fielding their ultimate weapon against the Barisan Nasional incumbents in their fight for Putrajaya — perfect election candidates with the necessary physical features, principles and values expected by all voters in each constituency.
THE BEST INGREDIENTS: Pakatan will field the perfect candidates for GE13
Speaking at a Press conference at the Parti Keadilan Rakyat headquarters, Anwar said that the candidates, grown in secret labs in the past five years, were designed to ‘be everything to everyone’, solving the ultimate challenge faced by politicians of not being able to make every single voter happy.
“We’ve learned from 2008 that we can’t just pick any Tom, Dick and Harry to run for us. The candidates, codenamed PERWARAK for ‘Perfect Wakil Rakyats’, will obliterate BN and end their reign of domination,” declared Anwar, as his lieutenants nodded confidently. “We harnessed the DNAs from our best specimens, cultivated the seeds in petri dishes five years ago and the clones were accelerated into adulthood via our patented GenoXcell™ technology, all ready for the 13th General Elections.
“The 1,000 units — 500 males and 500 females — have matured, and each of them is now in the process of being programmed with the expected knowledge, skillset and political outlook appropriate to the locality he or she will represent. The BN fools are mere natural humans with countless imperfections — they are no match for our flawless candidates!” said the enthusiastic former Deputy Prime Minister, met by the joyous roar of his supporters.
Anwar said that the PERWARAKs embodied the best of Malaysia, and have been shaped to appeal to each voter in their appearance and substance. “The candidates, model XT-43, which are a much improved version of our XT-35 model we tested at one of the by-elections in 2010, were designed to encapsulate the best facial and physical features of the Malays, Chinese, Indians and other races within the country. We even threw in some Scandinavian, African and Latin features in, just to perfect the blend and make them ‘glocal’,” he said, while handing out some mugshots of the candidates. “Perfectly beautiful, aren’t they?”
PERFECTION-PROGRAMMED: The facial construction software for the XT-43 is able to create the ideal candidate for each constituency
Anwar pointed out that the features can be tailor-made to please the individual constituency. “For example, in a really urban area where young, trendy voters expect to be represented by one of their own, our candidate can be made to look vibrant, young, tanned and metrosexual. Even the hair can be programmed to be slightly brownish, or mauve, to have that slight hint of modernity. In constituencies with high concentration of more aged population or conservative voters, our candidate will be programmed to be older, perhaps more pudgy to give the impression of ‘experienced’ and ‘trustworthy’. His hair can be slightly thinner and splashed with some silver highlights,” said Anwar, jokingly gesturing towards his own crop, to the delight of those present. “The point is, everything will be programmed pre-election, so it will be completely natural.”
As for the personality, character and skillset of each PERWARAK, Anwar said that the candidates have been fitted with some common core directives and software, in addition to the unique, localised programming. “Yes, candidates in Kelantan will be speaking in Kelate, and the ones sent to Terengganu will be all Ganu Kita,” joked the charismatic leader. “However, each candidate is hard-wired to be honest, passionate, caring, loyal and completely dedicated to the needs of the Rakyat. Of course, they’re also pre-programmed to be loyal to the Pakatan Rakyat coalition,” he said, sternly. “We wouldn’t want any party-hopping now, do we?”
To stress his point, Anwar said that the PERWARAKs have been designed to abhor corruption and bribery. “Their basic Operating System does not recognise the value of greed and self-glory. So BN can forget about buying them over. They’re completely bribe-proof. In fact, each candidate have been fixed with a self-destruct device which would be enabled if they even consider being a turncoat.
“But don’t worry, the self-destruct process is fully internal — they’re not going to blow up in public or something,” said Anwar, referring in jest to the XT-35 model whose head exploded in a crowded area, injuring five bystanders after thinking about changing camps in Perak two years ago. “This time, any ‘defective’ candidate will just have their internal organs disintegrate quietly, so the public is completely safe.
“And talking about safe, the candidates are also designed to not die without justification. We’ve had enough inconvenience of by-elections triggered by the deaths of MPs and ADUNs, so our PERWARAK batteries are perpetual-powered. They’ll last virtually forever, or until the next model comes out.”
When asked what would happen to all the ‘natural human’ candidates within Pakatan Rakyat when the PERWARAKs take their jobs, especially the Prime Minster position, Anwar said that these are sacrifices PR leaders are willing to make for the benefit of the rakyats. “We’ll take the back seat of the country’s administration and let the perfect YBs do the work. They have all the necessary qualities to do a great job, so we can depend on them. And if they don’t, we’ll just turn them off remotely.
“They may be sitting in the EXCOs and Parliament, but we’re still their boss. So they’re kinda like ‘Wakil kepada Wakil Rakyat’ (representatives to the representatives). It’s a win-win situation — the PERWARAKs will be running around solving the country’s problems, while we’ll run the country from the comfort of ur homes,” said Anwar. “We’re all about balance, so quality family time is very important to us.”
BN chairman Prime Minister YAB Dato’ Seri Mohd Najib Razak declined to comment on the latest development, however an unnamed source within the coalition confirmed that they were working on a technology to counter the PERWARAKs, including the use of high intensity Electro-Magnetic (EM) disruptor guns to crack through their firewall, disable their software and render them useless. “Yeah, they’ll still be the good looking, perfect glocal-global-whatever-featured specimens, but imagine them just standing there at the podium, unable to deliver their speeches, looking like complete idiots. That’ll be entertaining,” said the source.