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NOTICE: May 2012 parody piece on Malaysia Airlines taken offline

Pray-For-MH370

Dear readers,

Out of respect for the missing 239 on board MH370, their families and loved ones, the parody article “Malaysia Airlines to convert stealth bombers into passenger aircraft” written in May 2012 has been taken off the site.

Please continue praying for the safety and wellbeing of those involved.

Best regards,
Hassan Skodeng

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BUDGET 2014: PDRM to get flotation devices for guns

-PARODY, JOKE, DON’T TAKE THIS SERIOUSLY-

KUALA LUMPUR — In the 2014 Budget announcement, Prime Minister Dato’ Sri Mohd Najib Razak today announced that the Royal Malaysian Police will be be equipped with flotation devices for their firearms, as a corrective and preventive measure in light of the Auditor General revelation that PDRM had lost 44 guns at sea and/or toilets, in addition to misplacing other assets worth RM1.3 million, from 2010 to 2012. Najib said that the government was in the midst of negotiating the deal to purchase 250,000 units of the accessories from a foreign supplier, and that “this would solve the firearms-water incompatibility issues once and for all”.

HIGH-TECH: A handgun equipped with an FFD

HIGH-TECH: A handgun equipped with an FFD

It was learnt that the flotation device, first used by the US Navy SEALs in water-aplenty locations such as Afghanistan and Iraq, have helped soldiers and enforcement officers reduce weapons loss by as much as 67 per cent. A spokesperson for Hydrophobicon Inc, a US-based weapons manufacturer and one of 3 companies to offer such a device, said that their patented Firearms Flotation Devices (FFDs) would solve the problem of hand-held weapons being dropped in bodies of water, keeping them afloat and able to be retrieved with relative ease. “Using high-tech and high-grade ABS plastics, we’re able to manufacture lightweight and ultra-tough FFDs that can withstand high impact, rough use, in addition to the the occurrence of guns falling off boats, piers and into toilet bowls,” she said. “Our commandos have tested these devices in real combat situations, and the FFDs have proven their worth.

“It’s got GPS, solar- and thermal-power cells, and is also hooked up to social media services such as Facebook, Twitter, Foursquare and G+ to ensure both gun and its user are constantly monitored and connected.”

The PM said that the government takes this issue very seriously, pointing out that lost firearms could fall into the wrong hands, adding to the perception of serious crime levels in the country.

“It’s hard enough to recover missing or misplaced guns on land, given how small and concealable they are,” said Najib.

LETHAL, NOT LOSABLE: An MP-5 assault rifle shod with an FFD

LETHAL, NOT LOSABLE: An MP-5 assault rifle shod with an FFD

“But losing firearms in the water? It’s almost impossible to get them back — recovery efforts can be hampered heavily, as water is so wet, and Malaysia has so much water. As such, we are taking preventive measures with the floats, to ensure our guns don’t end up being used by any dangerous water-dwelling creature with criminal intents. Besides, the device’s bright, fluorescent colours would make it virtually impossible to misplace any gun. You simply can’t not notice it.

“The bright, neon colours also would serve as a warning to the bad people to not do bad things. Like how the bright, contrasting stripes of the tiger warns other jungle animals not to mess with it, these futuristic-looking and garang (fierce) guns would scare criminals and inspire them to leave their unsavory lifestyles, become responsible citizens and participate in Nation-building.

Garang! I like it. Let’s call these new things ‘Garang-guns’!” he exclaimed, as officers took notes.

Additionally, the PM said that studies are also being conducted to see if the same flotation technology can be applied to other assets easily lost such as cars, handcuffs and lockup detainees.

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EC to introduce invisible ink in Kuala Besut by-election

PUTRAJAYA — The Election Commission today announced that the July 24 Kuala Besut by-election will utilise a high-technology invisible ink to ensure a clean and fair voting process.

FAIR & TRANSPARENT: The new invisible ink to be used in Kuala Besut

FAIR & TRANSPARENT: The new invisible ink to be used in Kuala Besut

EC Chairman Tan Sri Abdul Aziz Yusof said the decision was made based on the  post-mortem on the use of the indelible ink in the 13th General Election, which was heavily criticised by several parties for its non-permanency, casting doubt on the electoral integrity. Stressing that the new ink, made from high-grade, permanent invisible pigments of natural origins, would leave no room for doubt, he said that it was chosen to ‘silence the critics’.

“The recently-concluded election was the first time we used indelible ink and admittedly, there were some weaknesses,” said Aziz. “Among them were the ink was easy to be removed, slow to dry and caused difficulties to voters since it could  stain the ballot papers.

“However, we’ve learned from these weaknesses and have taken the necessary steps to ensure this by-election process is air-tight. Unlike the indelible ink used in GE13, the invisible ink we are using in Kuala Besut can never be washed off, no matter how hard you try,” said Aziz confidently.

With an assistant demonstrating the effectiveness and ultra-permanent properties of the ink, Aziz said that the invisibility of the liquid would make it virtually impossible for would-be fraudsters to do their dirty deed.

UNWASHABLE: Aziz's assistant showing her index finger, still clearly marked by the invisible ink

UNWASHABLE: Aziz’s assistant showing her index finger, still clearly marked by the invisible ink

“While in May, those who may have thought about voting twice found it possible to wash off the coloured ink from their fingers, this time, since they won’t be able to see the ‘before-and-after’ effect of any attempted washing, they would never be able to know if they’ve really managed to remove the ink successfully!” declared Aziz, showing his assistant’s clean, untainted index finger to reporters after laboriously scrubbing it with 8 different kinds of soap, cleansers, solvents and lotions. “I ask you now — can you see any difference on this finger from the time it got painted just now?”

Aziz assured the public that the invisible ink, designed to last for at least a week, is halal and completely safe.

“Don’t worry, the ink is both JAKIM and SIRIM certified, it is very safe and would not impede any normal activity. Also, unlike the indelible ink used before, it would not stain your ballot paper or your clothes.”

Answering a question about a statement by Minister in the Prime Minister’s Department Datuk Seri Shahidan Kassim that the indelible ink used in GE13 was actually only food colouring, Aziz said that it was a simple misunderstanding, based on different interpretations of what ‘indelible’ means.

“Well, if you think about it, ‘indelible’ strongly alludes to food,” Aziz explained. “What does ‘deli’ mean? It’s short for ‘delicatessen‘, a place where food is served, and ‘indelible’ simply means [in] here is food [deli], and it is edi[ble]. See? Moreover, the word ‘delicious’ also has ‘deli’ in it, so technically we were right.”

Aziz said that it was crucial for EC to ensure that the process and tools are absolutely tamper-proof.

“We will always do more than what is necessary to make sure everyone is confident in the election results. In fact, in order to further strengthen the process, we have instructed our officers tasked with applying the invisible ink on each voter’s finger to paint clear water on their other 9 fingers, as a ‘placebo’ control mechanism. This way, the voter would never really know which finger had been painted with the actual invisible ink, and would not be able to wash it off,” he said.

“This move will prove to everyone that we are clear and transparent, like the invisible ink.”

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Satan appalled by Petknode duo

DEPTHS OF HELL — Satan today expressed his disgust at the level of cruelty and nonchalance displayed by the owners of Petknode, the ‘pet hostel’ found to have housed over 90 cats, in addition to more than 200 others in their private residence, in highly deplorable conditions during the Raya holidays. About a dozen were already dead by the time rescue arrived, while the rest were dying, most nothing but skin and bones.

Speaking from his brimstone throne, the Dark Lord said that even he, in his eons of evil existence, has not gone down that low or shown such lack of humanity and mercy. Adding that it’s not often he’s ever been shocked by anything, he didn’t think humans were capable of abandoning 300 cats and kittens to a slow and painful death.

“The first time I read about it, I thought it was fiction, honestly,” said Satan, shaking his head in disbelief. “I never figured such crass cruelty and absolute disrespect for life could originate from human beings. It’s heartbreaking.

“But these two cruel bastards, their actions brought tears to my eyes,” said the Evil One, holding back his emotions as he looked at pictures of the abandoned cats, some too weak to even move. “As evil and badass as I am, I wouldn’t think of putting defenseless creatures in such horrid environments. Even in Hell we only torture those who deserve it. What have the little kitties done to deserve such treatment?”

Satan ended his statement by issuing a stern warning to the Petknode owners and other animal abusers.

“Your Earthly laws may not get you,” said Satan, referring to the unnecessarily forgiving animal protection laws in Malaysia. “You may think you’ll get away with fines, yes, but your time will come, you heartless bastards. I’ve got something special waiting for you in the fiery pits of Hades. Though it’ll never compare to the conditions you put the cats through, I can assure you that I’ll try my very best to make it — um, ‘hospitable’ — for you. Perhaps, something involving my fiery pitchfork being shoved up somewhere.

“We’ll get friendly, you worthless piece of shit.”

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Humans glad to be back to ramming Earth’s behind

LOOKING GOOD: Humanity's effort to fuck up the planet looks promising

ALL OVER THE PLANET– Almost a week has passed since the Earth Hour ended, and humans around the world breathed a sigh of relief as they were free to fuck the world’s environment once again.

“OMG, I’m glad that hour’s over,” said Michael Johnson, 47, a vice president of an manufacturing firm based in the US. “It was such a pain in the ass refraining from doing anything destructive and selfish during that stupid hour. But now that we’re all back to normal, I’m happy to be spending energy needlessly, throwing away household waste indiscriminately and generally being a prick with the planet,” he continued, while adding that his chemical and manufacturing plants will be stepping up its factory operations in Asia and Africa despite slow demand for their products, simply to spend as much energy as possible and release as much pollutants into the air and water as they can.

Kim Jong Moon, 56, a businessman in South Korea shared the same sentiment. “I know we were only supposed to observe Earth Hour by turning off non-essential lights and also unplug unnecessary electrical items, but my friends and I decided to go a little further by cutting our water and gas usage for the entire hour, you know, to make a bigger impact for our beloved planet.

“But now that the hour’s over, we can all go back to fucking the planet in its behind without guilt,” he continued, as he switched on all the available lights, electrical equipments, the engines of his gas-guzzling hot rods and pushed his apartment heater to max temperature.

Earth Hour was celebrated on March 26 between 8.30pm to 9.30pm as a symbol of energy conservation, as part of a global movement to save the planet from destruction caused by the overconsumerism of its resources. Participants observing the event, from individuals to corporations and governments, switched off non-essential lights and equipment for the hour.

“Seriously, it was like abstaining on your wedding night,” Kim continued, straining his voice trying to speak over the sound of all the faucets in the apartment turned on at full blast. “It was a real bitch trying to make Earth happy, we had to sacrifice so much to make  Earth Hour work. Fortunately this stupid thing’s only an hour a year. I’d be going nuts if some smartass decides to turn it into Earth Day, Earth Week or whatever. Fuck that.

“In fact, the guys and I are heading up to the park later to make a giant bonfire just to make up for whatever positive impact the hour had achieved. We’re burning wood and whatever garbage we find around there. I personally hope to find some old tyres — they make the blackest smoke,” he said, giggling. “And all my facebook friends around the world are doing the same. It’s heartwarming to see a global movement to finish off the planet in a concerted effort.”

Another human in Germany, who wanted to be known only as Sarah K, 34, said that it was every human’s civic duty to be themselves and help Earth continue the downward spiral towards imminent doom. “During Earth Hour, I personally stopped burning shit into the air, you know? I even refrained from buying some illegally poached elephant tusk-ornament for my living room. It was just painful to see it online but not buy it.

“But now that that nonsense hour has passed, I advocate my fellow humans around the world, all 7 billion of us, to go back to being the selfish assholes we’ve been the rest of the year. Spend energy and all the resources like they aint’ never gonna deplete — after all, Earth is a big-ass planet. There’s more than enough to go around. In fact, I’m getting the tusk AND an endangered tiger penis. I hear it’s good for health. Checkout counter girl asks me ‘Paper or plastic’ at the supermarket? Give me paper AND plastic! And triple-bag it, biotch!

“Hell, nobody lives forever, man,” she continued as she poured spent cooking oil down the sink. “So the world will be a mass heap of crap in two or three decades? That’s the next generation’s problem.

“My kids have been having an easy life anyway, spoilt by the Xbox, Wii and other crap. Might as well give them a bit of challenge.”

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TRUTH CHRONICLES PART 2: Hassan goes to court

Well, this is as real as it can get. Come Thursday morning, I’ll be charged in court for the ‘offending article’ on TNB and Earth Hour written back in March. Under section 233(1)(a) of the Multimedia and Communications Act 1998, which goes something like “creating and spreading lies with the malicious intent to hurt others”, punishable by imprisonment up to a year and/or fine of RM50K or less.
I’ve got a bunch of very good and intelligent people by my side (yes, including a very nice lawyer), so I’m hoping for the best.
And I’m hoping for cool heads and developed sense of humour to prevail. Oh well. I guess we’ll just see.
Wish me luck.

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THE TRUTH CHRONICLES: Hassan’s troubles with the law

HASSAN SKODENG SPEAKS THE TRUTH (FOR THIS POST, AT LEAST):

OK, obviously my name’s not Hassan Skodeng. I won’t reveal my name just yet, coz I don’t think this humour site’s about me. It’s about the jokes. The obviously unreal, completely and honestly fake jokes.

But today, reality caught up with me.

When it was reported in the news that TNB had, indeed, reported ‘that’ blog post to the MCMC, I knew this silly joke had gone out of hand. So I did what any responsible baboon would do — I contacted the MCMC directly to clarify my position. Coz’ the last thing I want is for the authorities to act based on only one side of the story and believe whatever TNB said, without hearing my side.

The MCMC people, honestly, are a good bunch of people (and no, I’m not sucking up to them. My fate is not in their hands, it’s now in the Attorney General’s DPP’s hands). They are (based on my own experience anyways) professional, thorough and polite as ever. They responded with courtesy and dignity, and expressed their desire to settle this case as soon as possible. But since someone had filed an official report, a complaint against this blog, they have no choice but to act.

So I spent about 3 hours giving my statement to MCMC in Cyberjaya this morning, bringing everything from my blog stats (to show them when the post was up, and when I deleted it) to all sorts of printouts, and explained the satirical nature of the blog. I told them that I was in fact pissed off that a stupid joke that does no one harm (other than some bruised egos, I guess) became something so big. I said that I wish they didn’t have to pursue this case, seeing how there are SO many other more important cases to work on (those guys are overworked, really. On average, an enforcement officer has 20 cases to work on at any one time!).

Anyway, after the interview, I read my statement, signed it (I believe that in Law, the truth is the ultimate defence). The officers then followed me to my office in PJ to ‘sita’ the CPU of the PC on which I wrote the ‘offending’ story. Police warrant in hand, they took pictures of the PC CPU (even the network cable — apparently it’s necessary as evidence), took snapshots of the blog, wrote stuff and bundled the CPU away (until their forensics lab are done with it).

BUt again, these officers were a polite and respectful bunch, and I understand their position. They have their orders, and were just menjalankan tugas. Kudos to them. And I apologise to them for wasting their time and energy.

My case is now up to the investigating officers’ recommendations, and the AG’s DPP’s definition. It’s filed under section 233 of the Multimedia Act (writing/spreading imappropriate material with the intent to hurt — or something like that, only in BM). I’m hoping that everybody chills and look at this for what it truly is — a silly joke. Parody. Heck, even the PM’s been parodied so many times in blogs and cartoons, and he’s cool about it. Maybe TNB’s a wee bit too serious about themselves, yes? I mean, is Earth Hour part of their national KPI or something? Did they lose money from my fake blogpost, which was erroneously lifted off and reposted elesewhere as ‘actual news’? I don’t know. Ain’t a lawyer. Just a red-arsed baboon.

So that’s it. I think I’ll take a break from writing crap for a while. This fake blog was created as a stress relief. I like writing jokes, and I enjoy making people laugh and destress. God knows the world is serious enough.

SO people, keep laughing. Keep smiling. I’ll write again if I get inspired and feel less disheartened by this whole surreal episode.

Till then, PEACE OUT! =)

Hassan Skodeng

NOTE: I would encourage anyone who had taken my posting on Earth Hour (before it was deleted) and copied it on their own sites, t0 delete it, or at least take it out of public view. The case is now ongoing — and although it has nothing to do with any other site, I wouldn’t want anyone else to be involved now, would I?

The Cyberjaya folks are watching…

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Hassan Skodeng goes into hiding

NOTE: The original ‘TNB to sue WWF over Earth Hour’ has been taken offline indefinitely, as the author feels the reaction to joke has gone out of control. Maybe he was mistaken in thinking that Malaysians can take his brand of humour. Perhaps he is a yellow-bellied baboon for crumbling to the pressure. Whatever it was, he’s got thousands of people mad for no good reason, and he’s a pretty peace-loving guy. So everyone, chill. It was a lesson for all of us. For the author, to be less liberal in writing. To the readers, to check your facts before believing anything.

__________________

KUALA LUMPUR — The editor of fake news website Nose4news, has gone into hiding after getting into trouble with giant power company Tenaga Nasional Berhad. Hassan earned not only the wrath of the TNB management, but also many Malaysians, for writing a parody about how the energy provider was going to sue WWF over Earth Hour, and making it sound too real.

His article, published on Thursday, had unexpectedly made its way to the top of Malaysian cyber consciousness after being picked up by thousands of readers who somehow did not notice the numerous qualifiers littering the site saying that everything written there were fake parodies, got upset, and reacted angrily by reposting and retweeting to others.

Hassan, a 6-year-old babboon known for his blabbermouth and stunningly red and bulbuous arse, was believed to have panicked and fled his Bukit Antarabangsa home after commenters said that the power company’s mighty legal team was coming after that said-arse.

Checks at the Nose4news editorial office somewhere in the surrounding forest reserve also revealed that Hassan and his less-than-hygienic team of lying writers, photographers and go-go girls had left in a hurry, with office equipment missing and office supplies strewn all over the place.

A hastily-written note was left on the editor’s table saying, “I’m sorry, TNB. Will never make jokes about you or your CEO again. SORREEEEEEEEEE!! XOXO Hassan. PS: I heart you long time.”

Checks with the immigration department has not found any exit records indicating Hassan had left the country. However, authorities believe that he may have slipped out the Raja Petra way and may be languishing pitifully in some London luxury apartment sponsored by some rich guy affiliated to a certain political party.

TNB, meanwhile, when contacted, said that it’s got better things to do than to chase after a dumbass babboon, and that the primate had nothing to fear. However, the spokesperson, who declined to be named, said that if he ever found Hassan Skodeng, he’d like to “strap that sonofabitch to a power coil and turn on the switch”.

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Nose4news editor commits seppuku

KUALA LUMPUR — Hassan Skodeng, the editor of Nose4news, a weblog that posts absolutely fake news, has committed ‘seppuku’, the Japanese custom of killing one’s self by stabbing one’s self with a sword, after a considerable number of readers believed the crap he put online.

In a written statement found beside his cold carcass, Hassan said that he couldn’t take how fucking dumb some people can be, believing the bullshit he concocted, despite putting so many obvious qualifiers about the false nature of his posts.

“It embarrasses me how these so-called cyber-literate oafs can react so angrily at the jokes I write. I tell them early on, from the get-go, that it’s all absolute fiction, total horsecrap. True lies. And yet they still think what I write is true.”

Hassan also expressed his disappointment that the image of Pinocchio with an elongated nose and the line “The truth is out there (not in here)” wasn’t enough to convince some readers that he’s only kidding, and that whatever he spews out on the site is utter bull.

“You’d think that everyone who could read would know the story of Pinocchio and how his nose would grow longer if he lied,” wrote Hassan, in his own blood. “And when I used the X-Files line of ‘The Truth is Out there, not in here’, what the fucking hell did they think I meant with that?”

Hassan added that he regrets making his fib tales sound too realistic.

“I should have stayed away from realistic things like relocating entire states and people going up to outer space to evade the law. Or retired politicians becoming Care Bears and stuff. Those sound completely plausible.

“I should’ve stuck to writing about Voltron and Ultraman,” he said. “I’m sure no dumbass with an ounce of intelligence would believe that they exist.

“Maybe.”

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