Tag Archives: fake news

Psychic predicts next year will be 2011

KUALA LUMPUR — A well-respected fortune teller has announced recently that she predicts next year will be 2011.

MADAM GRACE: Psychic with 100% accuracy

Madam Grace, who last month successfully predicted the results of the 2010 World Cup with 100 percent accuracy, told reporters that she had a vision two nights ago, where an apparition resembling her deceased great great grand-auntie, another well-known soothsayer back in her days, told her that there was an ‘almost absolute likelihood’ that the year 2011 will commence, as soon as this year, 2010, ends.

“It was quite clear in my vision,” said the chain-smoking psychic at the Press conference held at her mansion in Bukit Damanasara, explaining her epiphany. “My great great grand auntie, the greatest clairvoyant the world has ever seen, told me that not only will 2011 fall next year, but she was very explicit about the date — it will happen on January 1, at the stroke of midnight, local time,” much to the amazement of those present.

The famous but reclusive ‘futurist’, as she likes to call herself, revealed that contrary to some longheld beliefs, 2011 will not begin in three year’s time, but instead will arrive much sooner than most expect.

“Believe me when I say, prepare thyselves! The New Year will be upon us in merely weeks, so it would be prudent to start making arrangements for its arrival,” she said sternly as the seasoned journalists stayed transfixed, in awe of her profoundness. “Close your accounts, prepare new ones. Buy your children’s new school supplies, for the new year’s schooldays will begin.

“And for God’s sake, get new daily planners.”

Madam Grace, who famously predicted most of the global events merely days or sometimes years after they happened, including the economic downturn, the 2008 general elections and the demise of Michael Jackson, warned that those who take her predictions lightly will pay the price.

“Heed my call, I urge you! Like my great great grand auntie, I have been chosen by the powers that be to be able to see the future! Remember the Titanic tragedy? My great great grand auntie forsaw it and warned everyone two full weeks after the great ship sunk! Two weeks! Did anyone listen? No! Hence, the horrific and utterly avoidable loss of lives,” related the celebrated psychic, whose clients include political strategists, economic analysts and sports betting practitioners who rely on her tarrot card, tea leaf and rune-reading capabilities, in addition to her magical visions.

“So I urge you, Malaysians, to make the necessary preparations, for there are many events to come. 2010 will be drawing to a close, but not before another life-changing event happens: I predict that Christmas Day will fall on December 25 — exactly SIX DAYS before 2011 arrives! Do you see the significance?” she asked excitedly, as the reporters try to decipher the tarrot cards she nonchalantly arranged on the table.

As everyone present struggled to come to terms with her startling revelation, Madam Grace continued with yet another bombshell, “Here’s something to ponder: I predict, on my great great grand auntie’s grave, that 2011 will NOT be a leap year, and there will be precisely 365 days before the year ends!”

Asked what next year — this mysterious ‘2011’ — brings for all, Madam Grace, thankfully, gave a positive outlook.

“Malaysia will experience a positive and healthy economic growth, provided that the economy does not experience a downturn,” she said, matter-of-factly. “I believe each one of us will find love, but only IF we have not already found it or love is not there for us to find. And life, in general, will continue throughout the year — but only on one condition: if we do not die within the year.”

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Assholes form association

KUALA LUMPUR — Assholes around the nation now have a place to call home as a group of die-hard assholes successfully registered ANUS, or Assholes National United Society, with the Registrar of Societies today.

“It is truly an historic day for assholes, no matter where,” said Mr Karim Karman, also known as Hensemboy, the group’s spokesperson and co-founding member, in a Press conference attended by representatives from asshole communities throughout Malaysia. “For too long, assholes have been unfairly discriminated against, simply because we’re inconsiderate bastards who only care about ourselves. For far too long, assholes have been the subject of countless jeers and insults, a wholly unfair treatment set upon us, based only on the fact that we’re socially retarded and unable to think about the feelings of other people. Well, today the discrimination stops!

“Do you think it’s fair that we’re treated so badly by the goodie-too-shoes of society simply for our bad treatment of others?” asked Karim, as the rowdy and utterly rude crowd responded with a resounding ‘No, asshole!’. “Is it right to treat us assholes like crap just because we think we’re God’s gift to humanity and the others are scumbags unworthy of attention?

“And is it just to disrespect us, just because we disrespect everyone else?” asked the sales manager known to his colleagues as an overconfident prick, as the audience of more than 100 assholes gave a standing ovation.

“Now, there is a body to champion our rights,” said Karim. “ANUS will make sure that each one of us can behave like complete assholes anywhere and anytime, without the need to apologise. We can be rude, disgusting, disrespectful, crass, self-absorbed, high-handed, big-headed and filled with hot air — all with pride.”

Another ANUS founding member, Jessica Lim, added that the association was not only created to protect the right of assholes, but also to provide support for its members.

“It’s not easy being an asshole,” said Lim, who runs a beauty salon in PJ. “You don’t make or keep many friends when you tell it as it is. When a customer comes into my shop and she’s too ugly for me to fix, I tell her and she gets angry. How like that?

“Even my family is like that. So blardy sensitive. My sister stopped talking to me when I told her her husband is an asshole. I mean, I would take it as a compliment, coming from another asshole. But no, she gets all upset, screaming and kicking, calling me names. It really hurt, coming from your own family.

“So it gets a little bit lonely sometimes, with everybody staying away. It sucks. So now, we assholes can find company in each other within this ass-ociation!” said Lim snickering, unable to hide her assholic glee at the pun.

Karim said that while the registration with the ROI had him listed as pro-tem president and the exco made up of the forming committee, the first thing he would do would be to hold an exco election.

“It’s not a very assholic thing to do, I admit,” he said, matter-of-factly. “The correct way, if I want to be a complete asshole about it, is to not only hold on to this position, but to consolodate my powers like a power-crazy bastard, abuse all democratic processes just to line my own pocket, and overstay my welcome for as long as I can. But this association is more important than my own assholic interests. I can’t let my pride and selfishness kill the group before it even began, now, can I?”

Lim added that unlike many other associations, parties and organisations, ANUS is probably the most equal-opportunity entity to have been created.

“Think about it. We’re not based on colour, sex, age, nationality, political inclination or whatever. You just have to be an asshole to be eligible for membership,” she said. “And the great thing about assholes is this: everybody’s got one.”

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Worms reject proverb on early bird

OXFORD — Representatives of worms worldwide have submitted a memorandom to the English Language Centre at Oxford University today, demanding a ‘long-overdue” retraction of the popular old saying, ‘The early bird catches the worm’.

WORMS: Demand better representation in proverb

Reading from a 52-page statement outlining the worm community’s protest, lawyer Michael Uckers said that the proverb, first recorded in John Ray’s A collection of English proverbs in 1678, is a “gross discriminatory expression against the worm species”.

“The worm communities and subspecies around the globe fully reject this insensitive proverb, obviously coined by some ignorant scoleciphobic (those with fear of worms) back in the 17th century,” said Uckers at a Press conference held on university grounds.

“The proverb is an unfair representation of the worm-bird symbiotic relationship, and only serves to advocate hostility between the two species. The worms protest the apparent clarion call for birds to ‘get up early’ and mercilessly hunt for worms, who are basically peace-loving creatures trying to make a living.

“Worms generally, other than the parasitic types found in human and animal guts and fruits, are non-violent invertebrates who don’t bother anyone. For example, the earthworms live underground, mind their own business and in fact, help to make the soil fertile for plants and crops. So the worm community, from earthworms to seaworms, demand that the saying is removed from the English proverb libraries, or at least is modified to present a fairer view of worms.

“What more considering how worms play a big part in preserving the delicate balance of the ecosystem.”

Uckers continued his argument that while the proverb’s purpose was well-intentioned, which was telling humans to get up early to sieze every opportunity during the day, the positive message was only relevant if the reader identified themselves with the bird.

VICTIMISED: The proverb promotes violence against worms

“Sure, the early bird catches the worm. Good for the early bird. But what about the early worm? It doesn’t make much sense to get up early now, does it?” asked Uckers. “This proverb basically says, if you’re a worm, it’s suicide to get out early in the morning. We believe the saying is the main reason for the apparent lack of drive and the decline of hardworking spirit in the young worms nowadays. As everyone knows, worm teens are sleeping in longer, and are adverse to toiling in the garden. In fact, they prefer to spend their whole day indoors in the burrows, wasting their waking hours on X-box, Wii and Facebook games.

“The proverb is the very core reason to the decay of morals and values in the worm community. So before the effects become irreversible, the problem must be arrested.”

Uckers said that the linguists in the worm community have proposed several alternatives which would be fairer to both bird and worm.

“For example, ‘The early bird and worm get their food’. There’s no hostile element in that line, which basically advocates the same positive value. No worms are presented as victims, and no birds are told to take the violent route to line their stomachs. Everybody wins.”

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Shah Alam school keen on signing Rooney

ROONEY: Reportedly in talks with Cikgu Johan

SEKSYEN 19, SHAH ALAM — A primary school in Shah Alam, Selangor has expressed interest in signing Manchester United star Wayne Rooney for their 2011 inter-school football campaign. Announcing the grand intention at a Press Conference today, Sekolah Rendah Agama (Integrasi) Seksyen 19 football coach cum Guru Sukan (Evening Session) Cikgu Johan Johari, 32, said that the school is currently negotiating with the English player’s agents to bring him in before the new school session begins in January.

“We have actually been considering signing Mr Rooney since the middle of last year,” said Cikgu Johan. “But there was always some sort of issue that cropped up, like lack of funding and immigration issues. Plus, at the time, Mr Rooney wasn’t really interested in leaving MU. Now that he’s announced his departure from the Red Devils, he’s certainly welcomed here in Skuad Harimau Kecil,” added Cikgu Johan, referring to the school team’s nickname.

Cikgu Johan said that the £20 million Premier League striker would be a natural addition to the team. “We welcome him with open arms, despite all the personal issues that have plagued him recently. For us at the school, we believe in second chances, and we look at him as a footballer first, and celebrity second. We think his playing style fits our team best, where attack forms the backbone of our strategy, coupled with a strong defence and flexible middle players.

“He’s quite talented,” said Cikgu Johan, matter-of-factly. “Almost as good as I was when I was younger back in college, I might add.

SRA(I) SEKSYEN 19: May be future home for Rooney

“So he’ll fit in quite effortlessly in our team. We’ve had a vacancy in our striker position after our previous attacker Kamil Yaakob graduated Year 6 and took his talent to MCKK last year, so his timing to leave MU is perfect.”

“Mr Rooney would find himself really at home here in Seksyen 19,” he added warmly. “The people here are really friendly, houses are quite cheap and good food is aplenty. For example, my house up in Jalan Landak is just a short walking distance to where the Nasi Lemak Ayam Rempah stall is.. And there are two 7-Elevens in the vicinity, not to mention clinics, polyclinics and 24-hour mamak shops. It’s paradise. In fact, I believe his home maker wife Colleen would find Shah Alam a very condusive place to start a family, what with caring neighbours and a close-knit community.”

Cikgu Johan said that the school was prepared to pay the multi-million ringgit cost to get hold of the football star, currently spokesperson for a multitude of international brands and reportedly earns more than £100,000 a week in wages and sponsorship deals.

“We had anticipated the cost, really. We are quite prepared to spend the necessary amount to get talent. We have quite a healthy bank account, thanks to our many activities the past couple of years, like Open Day, Hari Bendera and the PIBG Charity Dinner,” said Cikgu Johan confidently.

The teacher however said that if Rooney decides to come over, it would not be a walk in the park for the star.

“Look, we want to pay him money to help us win games and the championship,” said Cikgu Johan. “It’s not going to be a holiday. We train very hard, three times a week in the evenings, so he would have to step it up. He may be a star but here, Mr Rooney would have to prove to me and his team mates his worth.

“I’ll start him in easy games first, to expose him slowly to the high standards here. If he shows that he can be as good as my boys, he can slowly he can climb his way up and start in important games, like the one with Sekolah Menengah Seapark in July. If he shows me that he can really play, I’ll include him in our championship matches later in the year.

“But opportunities don’t come easily. If he’s worthy, he can go far.”

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Woman first human to be OPEC member

JONES: Thrilled to be part of this exclusive club

ONTARIO — For Andrea Jones, 35, her oily face had always been a problem. Ever since she hit puberty at ten, she’s always been the butt of jokes and taunts from family members, friends and colleagues. Now however, her overactive oil glands are proving to be a blessing as she received news that she has been accepted in the prestigious Organisation of Petroleum Exporting Countries (OPEC). The 12-member coalition, whose membership includes Angola, Iran, Kuwait, United Arab Emirates, Venezuela and Saudi Arabia, sent their offer to join to Miss Jones this week after carefully studying her oil-producing capabilities.

“Oh my god, this is an absolute dream come true,” shrieked Jones when contacted. “I’ve been trying to get rid of this oil on my face, with numerous types of mattifying moisturisers, oil blotters, medicated wet wipes and lotions, all to no avail. I clean my face in the morning and by lunchtime, I was dripping with oil. It has been such a pain!

“But now, look at me. I’m standing shoulder-to-shoulder with Qatar, yo!” she beamed, her face reflecting the ceiling light and partially blinding those present.

Showing the offer letter signed by OPEC secretary general, His Excellency Abdalla Salem El-Badri, Jones said that she was initially skeptical that a regular person like her could join such an esteemed global body.

“I mean, I thought, who am I to be compared to countries like Venezuela, who produces 2 million barrels of crude oil per day? I was barely pushing a pint per day. I didn’t think I was worthy of the honour,” admitted Jones. “But since the OPEC members have, as Mr El-Badri put it, ‘unanimously agreed’, I couldn’t say no.”

Jones says that instead of avoiding oily food as she had been trying to do the last few years, she will now eat only greasy fares.

“The oilier, the better!” she exclaimed. “Now, I typically start my day with a bucket of golden brown deep fried chicken, dipped in saturated fat, for breakfast. For lunch and dinner, I alternate between fried fish and beef jerky, all dripping grease. Yum-my! As for snacks, I now only take palm oil kernel, dipped in salsa, you know, to keep my body balanced.

“OPEC was pretty clear with me about the rules,” said the single clerk. “I have to keep my oil production up, or else they’ll revoke my membership. I completely understand, they have to keep the global balance of power in their favour, and I have to play my part.”

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MACC teams up with McD to speed up investigations

FAST & FURIOUS: The fearsome MaccDonald's

KUALA LUMPUR — Amid calls to speed up investigations, the Malaysian Anti Corruption Commission (MACC) has announced that it was forming a joint venture with global franchise McDonald’s, in hopes that it could adopt the fast-food restaurant’s record speedy delivery model. The new, rebranded and streamlined investigation venture, set up to tackle high profile cases, will be referred to as MaccDonald’s™.

In a Press conference held at the commission’s headquarters in Putrajaya earlier today, MACC Chief Commissioner Y. Bhg. Dato’ Haji Abu Kassim bin Mohamed said that this move was necessary, seeing the rise in high profile cases and the heightening public scrutiny.

“We realised the importance of not only solving corruption cases, but to do it in a timely fashion,” said Abu Kassim. “Ever since our bureau days, we’ve always placed speed and accuracy as equal priorities when it comes to putting an end to corruption, but now the need is even more dire. With more and more high profile cases cropping up, people expect more from us, and it is understandable. And that is why we’re forming this alliance with McDonald’s to streamline our processes and get results faster.”

McDonald’s Malaysia managing director Sarah Casanova said that the company is proud to partner with an organisation such as the MACC. “Our mission has always been to provide our customers with wholesome, healthy and clean dining experience. And nothing says ‘clean’ better than an anti-corruption commission.

“Throughout the years, McDonald’s has perfected the art and science of delivery to ensure that our customers get their nutritious and delicious meals as fast as possible, from the time they order,” she added. “With this new partnership with MACC, we’ll be imparting our experience and knowledge to the corruption-busting industry. We consider this our civic duty, and are very proud to be part of this initiative. Kudos to the good people at MACC.”

ABU KASSIM: We aim to deliver justice fast

Abu Kassim said that initially, the new crack fast-investigation unit will be based in Putrajaya, dealing with cases in the federal territories. “We’ll begin with cases with national interest, such as bribery allegations against senior government officers, GLC personalities or politicians. We aim to clear the backlog of federal cases before we expand into other states. Of course, with the new fast-investigation system in place, I believe we’ll be able to clear or convict people within days, and not months or years as some cases go now.”

Abu Kassim said that if this venture goes well, the MaccDonald’s units, or ‘MaccD™’, will not only be set up in other MACC branches, but also would handle smaller cases, such as bribery cases involving lower-ranked officers.

“Bribery and corruption is wrong, whether the value is billions of ringgit, or just the RM50 you pay to get out of a traffic offence trouble,” said Abu Kassim, sternly. “Corruption and dishonesty is the root cause of the downfall of civillisations. We at MACC — and the MaccD — take every case seriously.”

GOOD, CLEAN FUN: Ronald MaccDonald

Among the new services planned for the MaccD unit include a 24-hour drive-through corruption reporting window at all McDonald’s outlets. “We’re making it easier for people to report instances of corruption,” said Abu Kassim, as Ronald McDonald, McDonald’s mascot clown, ‘arrested’ the Hamburglar, another mascot, for trying to ‘bribe’ him with a delicious double cheeseburger, amid laughter and applause from the amused audience.

“Every report that results in an arrest and conviction will also be rewarded special coupons, valid for a whole year,” said Abu Kassim. “The coupon value will depend of the value of the corruption, of course, and can be redeemed with any of MaccDonald’s special edition MaccValue Meals™,” he added as he bit into a Big Macc. “Wow, busting corruption is SO yummy!”

Abu Kassim also said that he aims to begin the MaccDelivery service by next year, which promises to investigate, prosecute and convict wrongdoers within 30 minutes. “If we’re late, you’ll get your money back, guaranteed.”

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Facebook changes layouts again just to piss off members

PALO ALTO, CA — Facebook, Inc, the firm that owns and operates Facebook, the most used social network by worldwide monthly active users, today announced that the latest change in layout and functionality was designed to piss their users off.

“We were honestly getting tired of having too many members,” said Facebook founder and CEO Mark Zuckeberg at a Press Conference held at the company headquarters. “So we’ve been trying very, very hard to discourage new members from signing up, and make it as hard as possible for current members to go about Facebooking.”

‘Facebooking’? Is there such a word?” asked Sheryl Sandberg, Facebook COO. “Oh well, you’re the founder, I guess you can coin whatever term you want,” she continued, laughing.

Among the notable changes introduced to the site, which brings the company an estimated US$300 million a year, were the re-positioning of the ‘Home’ and ‘Profile’ menu bars, as well as the introduction of new and completely irrelevant icons representing ‘Notification’, ‘Messages’ and ‘Friend Request’. Mostly used applications like games, which appeared at the bottom panel on every Facebook page, now only appears on the ‘Home’ page, on the left column. The Boring Blue theme colour remains unchanged.

ZUCKERBERG: Hopes the new UI will piss people off royally

“We’ve tried so many ways to get rid of users, from introducing different settings that don’t mean anything, to bugging them with annoying apps,” said Zuckerbeg. “What we found was that the best way to piss people off is to change the User Interface (UI) so often, they get confused.”

“Hell, I’m kinda confused with the new layout, bro,” Sandberg interjected. “I was looking for the notification thingy on the bottom left of the screen and it wasn’t there. An hour later I chanced upon it, right by our logo. Impressive.”

“We’ve pissed our users off before,” said Zuckerberg, noting that the last time they changed the UI last year, Facebook’s hotline email was flooded with irrate complaints. “We lost a few thousand members, who decided to go to MySpace and other inferior social network sites. This time around, we aim to lose at least 30 per cent of our 350 million active members.

“We’re just simply tired of all this success,” said the 25-year-old, said to be worth around US$2 billion. “They say ‘money can’t buy happiness’, well I have to second that. Now I spend my days lazing about, doing nothing interesting.

“I just wish I was dirt poor again, before Facebook changed all that. I was happier.”

“On that note, I hope our latest move doesn’t backfire,” said Sandberg. “We’ve had reports of some people being happy with the new UI. Imagine that. Despite all our efforts to spit on their faces, they keep on coming back for more. What the fuck is wrong with them?”

“There’ll always be some sort of masochistic individuals out there, dude,” replied Zuckerberg.

“Maybe we’ll need to start charging them for every status change or photo upload. Then maybe these suckers will stop coming to our site. A buck for a status update, and maybe five bucks for a superpoke.”

“We can’t do that, Mark,” said Sandberg. “We’re trying to get rid of them because we’re making too much money. Charging ’em will just bring us even more money!

“Facebook has become a monster,” added Zuckerberg, sadly. “People are spending more time on it than on real life or doing work. Our creation is slowly eroding productivity everywhere, and has destroyed countless lives,” he said, referring to the divorces caused by inter-Facebook affairs and careless Facebook comments which have led to people being embarrassed, and even fired from their jobs.

“We hope people will get pissed off and leave us. We’re praying so. But there’s only so much we can do.”

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