Tag Archives: football

Malaysia beats Arsenal 25,741 – 0

KUALA LUMPUR — In what many pundits considered a ‘grossly unfair match’, Malaysia’s national football squad tonight beat visiting English Premier League club Arsenal 25,741-nil, with most of the goals scored in the last 15 minutes.
The Malayan Tigers began their onslaught on the oblivious-looking Gunners right from the start, when Mohd Aidil Zafuan shot from the middle of the field squarely into the helpless Gunners’ goal. None of the visitors could do anything, seeing how the ball travelled at the speed of light.
Half a minute later, the ball found its way into Arsenal’s goal yet again, when Zafuan’s mental powers willed it away from the feet of Aaron Ramsey and travelled past goalie Wojciech Szczesny right into the net.
Roughly two seconds later, Kunalan Subramaniam stole the ball from a shocked Carl Jenkinson, dribbled playfully around the superstar and shot nonchalantly, while blindfolded, into the visitors’ net.
And by the time the score went past the five thousand mark nearing half time, Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger knew that the fight was over. Throwing his arms into the air hopelessly, he took off his pants as a sign of defeat and left the Stadium Malawati to express his disgust.
The humiliation by Malaysia XI continued in the second half, the home team deciding not to let the visitors off easy. As the Gunners looked on dejectedly, envying the Tigers’ almost magical footballing skills, the local boys had a feast, scoring an average of 138 goals a minute. By this time, no one kept track of who scored the goals — everyone on the field wearing the black and yellow jersey had a ball, pun intended.
As the whistle blew, head coach Datuk Rajagopal was seen waking up from his nap and going onto the field, consoling the Arsenal players, who were mostly crying their eyes out and collapsing in shame.
In the post match Press conference, Rajagopal said that he was generally pleased with his boys’ performance, but cautioned them not to be complacent when facing two more EPL teams, Liverpool and Chelsea, visiting in a few weeks’ time.
“While this was sort of a ‘warm up game’ tonight, I expect the Tigers to put more effort in thrashing the English teams,” said Rajagopal. “I’ve told them, no less than a hundred thousand goals for each game.”


Filed under Sports, World News

Malaysian football stars confident to beat World

PROOF OF GREATNESS: The Malaysian football team after decimating Vietnam for the gold

KUALA LUMPUR — Fresh from the glorious SEA Games gold medal victory over wimpy Vietnam recently, the invincible and utterly superhuman Malaysian football squad today challenged the entire football teams from all over the world to a match.

“We’re unbeatable, to be frank,” said a beaming team captain Mohd Aidil Zafuan Abd Radzak matter-of-factly, as he casually pumped iron while being interviewed at Wisma FAM. “At first, we only knew amongst ourselves that we were the best in the world, nay, the whole galaxy. But now that we’ve got the SEA Games gold, it’s fact.

THE BEST OF THE BEST: Aidil glowing with stunning aura of greatness

“So the team and I have decided to throw the challenge to all the Beckhams, Henrys, Kakas, Rooneys and Ronaldos out there, and their overpaid teams, to come and try to beat us. If they dare.”

The dashing and perfectly sculptured Aidil said that the Malaysian footballers were ‘hungry for action’ and want to ‘scalp some so-called superstars’, after easily bulldozing through the obviously inferior South East Asian teams in Vientiane, Laos, a week ago.

“The teams from the region were, how shall I say this delicately, unworthy of our presence. They were quite honestly, pathetic, compared to the flawless strategies and extraordinary skills my teammates and I display,” he laughed, as his posse of 20 or so fans and groupies nodded in agreement and scantily-clad girls rub lotion of his ripping biceps, while he sipped on hot Darjeeling tea. “I have more skills and greatness in my left toe than they have in their whole teams.”

Aidil’s teammate Mohd Sabre Mat Abu added that unlike most world superstars, the Malaysian players only play for the love of the game. “I’ve been observing how these so-called ‘superstars’ have been traded around the English, European and South American leagues like meat,” he said, as he majestically posed for fans screaming from across the street, taking pictures. “At hundreds of millions of pounds, we the superhuman players in the Malaysian team, feel that the money is better spent on charity, instead of wasting it on those bafoons. How silly, they are childish amateurs compared to us.

“So this is a way to change that perception, by thrashing them and telling the team owners to stop wasting good money. I’d love to teach that pretty boy Beckham a thing or two about proper football.”

Aidil said that the date, venue and even the rules for the match would be left to the would-be losers, the World’s superstars.

“We don’t care who we’ll play against, let alone where and when. If they want to be humiliated today, I’ll clear my schedule,” he said, grinning and displaying his perfectly aligned and pure white teeth. “The GQ magazine photoshoot can be done tomorrow.

“In fact, I don’t care how many of them, those so-called superstars, want to play in the game. They can play fair and substitute every two minutes if they want, or they can all play at the same time. My eleven can beat any number. The bigger their number, the better.”

Mohd Sabre added, “They can fill up the entire field, if they want. We are the Malaysian Tigers, and we are jantans. Far from being afraid, we shall destroy whatever false ego and reputation that they have,” he said, before shooing away the reporters dismissively from the room, to accommodate more groupies waiting outside.


Filed under National News, Sports, World News