Facebook changes layouts again just to piss off members

PALO ALTO, CA — Facebook, Inc, the firm that owns and operates Facebook, the most used social network by worldwide monthly active users, today announced that the latest change in layout and functionality was designed to piss their users off.

“We were honestly getting tired of having too many members,” said Facebook founder and CEO Mark Zuckeberg at a Press Conference held at the company headquarters. “So we’ve been trying very, very hard to discourage new members from signing up, and make it as hard as possible for current members to go about Facebooking.”

“‘Facebooking’? Is there such a word?” asked Sheryl Sandberg, Facebook COO. “Oh well, you’re the founder, I guess you can coin whatever term you want,” she continued, laughing.

Among the notable changes introduced to the site, which brings the company an estimated US$300 million a year, were the re-positioning of the ‘Home’ and ‘Profile’ menu bars, as well as the introduction of new and completely irrelevant icons representing ‘Notification’, ‘Messages’ and ‘Friend Request’. Mostly used applications like games, which appeared at the bottom panel on every Facebook page, now only appears on the ‘Home’ page, on the left column. The Boring Blue theme colour remains unchanged.

ZUCKERBERG: Hopes the new UI will piss people off royally

“We’ve tried so many ways to get rid of users, from introducing different settings that don’t mean anything, to bugging them with annoying apps,” said Zuckerbeg. “What we found was that the best way to piss people off is to change the User Interface (UI) so often, they get confused.”

“Hell, I’m kinda confused with the new layout, bro,” Sandberg interjected. “I was looking for the notification thingy on the bottom left of the screen and it wasn’t there. An hour later I chanced upon it, right by our logo. Impressive.”

“We’ve pissed our users off before,” said Zuckerberg, noting that the last time they changed the UI last year, Facebook’s hotline email was flooded with irrate complaints. “We lost a few thousand members, who decided to go to MySpace and other inferior social network sites. This time around, we aim to lose at least 30 per cent of our 350 million active members.

“We’re just simply tired of all this success,” said the 25-year-old, said to be worth around US$2 billion. “They say ‘money can’t buy happiness’, well I have to second that. Now I spend my days lazing about, doing nothing interesting.

“I just wish I was dirt poor again, before Facebook changed all that. I was happier.”

“On that note, I hope our latest move doesn’t backfire,” said Sandberg. “We’ve had reports of some people being happy with the new UI. Imagine that. Despite all our efforts to spit on their faces, they keep on coming back for more. What the fuck is wrong with them?”

“There’ll always be some sort of masochistic individuals out there, dude,” replied Zuckerberg.

“Maybe we’ll need to start charging them for every status change or photo upload. Then maybe these suckers will stop coming to our site. A buck for a status update, and maybe five bucks for a superpoke.”

“We can’t do that, Mark,” said Sandberg. “We’re trying to get rid of them because we’re making too much money. Charging ‘em will just bring us even more money!

“Facebook has become a monster,” added Zuckerberg, sadly. “People are spending more time on it than on real life or doing work. Our creation is slowly eroding productivity everywhere, and has destroyed countless lives,” he said, referring to the divorces caused by inter-Facebook affairs and careless Facebook comments which have led to people being embarrassed, and even fired from their jobs.

“We hope people will get pissed off and leave us. We’re praying so. But there’s only so much we can do.”

Non-sodomy happenings cease as Sodomy II trial begins

NOTHING ELSE MATTERS: Anwar and Azizah at the courthouse

KUALA LUMPUR — As the much anticipated criminal trial of opposition leader Datuk Seri Anwar Ibrahim began today, everything in Malaysia not related to the proceedings either paused until further notice, or has abruptly ceased to exist. The trial, presided by Justice Datuk Mohamad Zabidin Mohd Diah, will be the only thing that happens in the country anywhere for the next few weeks to a few months, giving other interesting things in life a much-needed break and time off.

THE ACCUSER: Saiful

Anwar, the Parti Keadilan Rakyat advisor and Permatang Pauh MP, is accused of sodomising his former aide Mohd Saiful Bukhari Azlan at Unit 11-5-1, Kondominium Desa Damansara, Jalan Setiakasih, Bukit Damansara, between 3.01pm and 4.30pm on June 26, 2008. He is charged under section 377B of the Penal Code which carries a maximum 20-year jail term and whipping, if convicted.

Checks around the capital city and other spots in the country revealed a surreal calm as the population went about their lives without anything interesting — or even mildly sensational – happening. In some areas, things which would normally be considered newsworthy like dirty restaurants or broken signboards have been replaced by white space, not worthy of any attention. This has somewhat affected news organisations.

“We anticipated the impossibly high level of newsworthiness of the trial about a year-and-a-half ago,” said Datuk Azman Ujang, editor-in-chief of Bernama, the nation’s premiere news agency. “So we’ve restructured our manpower allocation to accommodate the new scheme of things.”

Azman added that all the journalists, photographers, camera crew and editors from the other beats, including sports, entertainment, business and lifestyle, have been put on the ‘Sodomy II’ assignment until the trial is over. “We realise that nothing happens outside of the courthouse for as long as the Anwar trial is on. The trial is the only thing that matters. Everyone will be talking only about the proceedings, at the mamak shop, the trains, the offices, over dinners and nothing else… so we at Bernama want to be the premiere source of credible information for all that talk.”

Datuk Wong Chun Wai, Group Chief Editor of The Star, meanwhile said that the publication will institute a temporary shutdown of half its operations until non-Sodomy II things come back to life.

“It doesn’t make business sense to have the mill running at full steam when most of news has disappeared and the universe centres around the trial,” said Wong. “I mean, fuck, man. No other fucking things happen, period. People say ‘no news is good news’, but for a news organisation, it’s a bummer. But that’s what happens when really important things like this takes place.

“We’ve got enough staff manning the fort and covering the event. The rest of the pages will be filled by wire services like Reuters and AP, supplying us international news, which is not affected by the trial at all.”

Meanwhile, Inspector General of Police Tan Sri Musa Hassan said that this is an opportune time for most of the police workforce to clear their annual leave days, seeing that there is no crime, accidents or any other cases for them to investigate during the trial.

“Yes, I’m still on the clock, since I’m supervising the case,” said Musa. “But the rest of my officers can get their rest, seeing that every other bad thing has ceased to exist, evil forces have paused and crime has disappeared. The whole country will have a complete and absolute peace while Anwar’s trial goes on.

“I’m kind of hoping for a long trial, so that my men will come back from their long leave refreshed,” he said.

According to media reports, the nation is holding its breath as it followed everything that happens in the courtroom at the Kuala Lumpur High Court. It is, however, not known exactly how long the nation would be able to hold its breath, although experts say that it could be quite a while, if coupled with gasps of excitement and the occasional “ooh’s” and “aah’s” by the nation’s 26 million-strong population.

Rais hurt by ‘Yorais’ jokes, plans to sue internet

RAIS: Young and hip

KUALA LUMPUR — Minister for Information, Communications, Arts and Culture Datuk Seri Utama Dr. Rais Yatim today stated that he is deeply offended by the jokes circulating about his age and announced that he will be taking legal action against the internet for what he termed as ‘a concerted effort to humiliate a young-at-heart person like me’.

It all started with a sincere advise from a well-meaning, concerned leader. But now, it has spawned a malicious and personal internet campaign that would shame anyone. And being at the receiving end of the humiliating treatment, Rais is not planning to take it lying down.

Weeks ago, Rais gave Malaysian internet users a sound advice. He said that Malaysians, especially Muslims, must avoid being totally immersed in the internet culture, especially Facebook and Twitter, adding that facilities like the internet could not be accepted wholly because it was a form of business introduced by the West and “Malaysians were just users.”

“We are not saying that they cannot use Facebook or Twitter but when using such facilities they must upkeep the values taught by Islam, Buddhism or Christianity to maintain our culture,” he told reporters after opening a Seminar on the 1Malaysia concept in Seremban.

Unfortunately, however, his sincere caution was received poorly by internet-using Malaysians, who started a Twitter and online campaign called ‘Yorais’, modelled from the ‘Yo Mama’ jokes. They began a barrage of Yorais jokes, which poked fun at his not-so-young outlook on life.

“I’ll have you all know that I’m not that old,” said Rais, thumping his chest. “I am a lot younger than many of these people think. Fine, I’ve lived through two world wars, but who hasn’t?

“They are falsely saying that I predate dinosaurs and the Jurassic era. Obviously they exaggerated. I mean, a major meteor deep impact event wiped out the dinosaurs. Now, if the dinosaurs were killed by the impact and ensuing global winter, and if I were around back then, wouldn’t I have been killed too? Use your logic!” said the minister, agitated.

“Those irresponsible Twitter people have no evidence to support what they said in that malicious campaign designed to discredit me,” he continued. “To say that I’m so old that I knew Burger King when he was still a prince? Where’s the proof? Did they get Burger King to sign a statutory declaration? Of course not! If they did, I haven’t seen it yet.”

“I’m very upset. I see this as an attack on my personal being. It’s not my fault I’m not as young as they’d like me to be. I can’t help it if at the time I was born, Australia was still part of the main Asian continent land mass. All I know is that I am still very much relevant to every Malaysian, being still young and hip,” he stressed. “Such lies! Don’t believe the online people! Online people are liars!

“That is why I will take action to protect my fellow Malaysians against the scourge of the internet. This… internet fellow — and its evil agents like Facebook and Twitter — are the West’s weapons to destroy the 1Malaysia harmony we currently enjoy in the country,” he added.

“I have spoken to my lawyers, and we plan to sue the internet, Facebook and Twitter for a grand total of RM100 million. Yes, yes. That will teach the internet a lesson. This will bury the internet. Yes.

“And it wouldn’t matter if the lawsuit goes on and on for many years. I’m still young.”

Grammy Awards to install anti-Kanye defence system

HOLLYWOOD, CA — Organisers of the 52nd Grammy Awards today announced that they have fully implemented an anti-Kanye West defence system, to avoid any untoward incident similar to the one at the 2009 MTV Video Music Awards, where the singer-songwriter rudely interrupted the acceptance speech by young winner Taylor Swift, claiming that his friend, superstar Beyonce was more deserving of the VMA Best Female Video award.

“I think one occasion where a pretty and innocent girl’s dream gets horribly ruined is enough,” said Allan Silverstein, spokesperson for the National Academy of Recording Arts and Sciences (NARAS), the organisation behind the annual awards show, arguably music industry’s most illustrious event, to be held this weekend. “We all saw the unfortunate and heartbreaking scene when Mr West violently took the microphone from Miss Swift and went about praising Miss Beyonce, and proclaiming that the latter deserved the MVA more. What a jackass.

CRUEL BASTARD: The evil Kanye interrupting sweet and innocent Taylor Swift's victory speech at the 2009 MVA

“Well we’re not about to let him do that again, especially at such an illustrious event. No siree. MTV may have benefited from that cheap and neanderthal display of machismo, but the Grammy Awards is more respectful.”

Silverstein explained that the anti-Kanye West defence system, codenamed “KrushKanye”, involves an extensive use of satellite tracking, biometric security, round-the-clock surveillance and other technologies originally developed to combat urban terrorism.

NO ESCAPE: The satellite tracking system, showing Kanye's real-time location

“We’re taking this very, very seriously, obviously,” said Silverstein, gesturing toward Kanye’s current location on screen. “Mr West is a pretty wily character. He knows we’re tracking him, and has attempted to go under the radar a couple of times.

“But thanks to the global network of military-class satellites and the undisclosed number of agents on the street, Kanye has no hope of escaping, really.

“As you can see here, he’s currently about a kilometre from the Staples Centre, where the event will be held, shown in the map circled in red. The guy’s been sniffing around for any way to get in this weekend, but all his efforts have so far been thwarted. Our security is airtight,” said Silverstein confidently.

“There’ll be a whole lot of very, very important guests at the event, and it is absolutely imperative that destructive and disruptive elements such as Kanye West is not allowed to get anywhere close to ground zero. Both Taylor Swift and Beyonce are again nominated for Record of The Year and Album of The Year, so we’re expecting things to heat up a little. Emotions will run high.

“But we want everyone to keep a lid on their excitement, so that deserving winners will get their chance at the glory on stage, without being cruelly interrupted, and robbed of their moment.

“We will be on our toes. This is the Grammy’s, for God’s sake. We cannot afford to have embarrassing moments at all. No Kanye, no Brüno, no ‘wardrobe malfunctions’. If we’re not careful, we’d have Mr West mooning everybody as Celine Dion’s singing a tribute to Michael Jackson. That’d be disastrous.

AIRTIGHT: Silverstein (standing) showing the multi-million dollar "KrushKanye" system

“Our eyes are everywhere. That slimebucket won’t get within 100 yards from the premises. If he does, our security teams, comprising trained black ops personnel who’ve done time in Iraq and Afghanistan, will turn him away. Whether they’ll do it nicely or by force, that’ll be Mr West’s choice,” said Silverstein, sternly.

“And if — and that’s a BIG if — he still gets through our security net and our multi-million dollar technology, then we’ve got one last weapon to deal with him. I can’t specify here, as it’s all a big military secret.

“But let’s just say satellites aren’t just built to observe from the sky… and the US military has been toying around with intensified ultra-accurate laser cannons the last few years.”

Anti-drug agency launches non-haram feline unit

FEARSOME FELINE: One of the new AADK recruits

KUALA LUMPUR — Agensi Anti Dadah Kebangsaan, or AADK, today launched its elite feline unit, to help combat the growing dadah scourge in the country while respecting the right of drug dealers to stay pure and clean. The national anti narcotics agency, operating directly under the Home Ministry, announced that the unit was formed in line with the government’s efforts to be sensitive to all communities.

“We began the feline project after receiving numerous complaints from Muslim drug dealers that they had to samak (Islamic cleansing ritual) themselves after being taken down by our K9 unit dogs during drug busts,” said AADK DG Datuk Abdul Bakir Zin at the Press conference held after the launch at the agency’s Putrajaya office. “We realised how insensitive it was for us to let some of these criminals come into contact with such an unclean and haram animal, so we had to think out of the box.”

Bakir said that initially, the agency has procured five felines trained in drug-sniffing from Germany, and would add more as the need arises.

BAKIR: AADK sensitive to drug dealers' needs

“These felines have been trained to not only track the conventional, more widely trafficked drugs such as cocaine, heroin and ganja,” said Bakir, smiling, as he cuddled one of the new recruits, a 3-year-old male beige Maine Coon named Tigris. ”They’re also able to sniff out the latest varieties out there, such as opioids, hallucinogens, anabolic steroids and other designer drugs.

“Not many people know this, but cats have as many smell-sensitive receptors in their noses as do most dogs. We humans have 5 million, but little Tigris here has over 200 million!” he exclaimed, stroking its wonderfully soft belly.

“He’s cute, isn’t he?” added Bakir. “But don’t let his adorable looks fool you. His mandibles and claws can bring a grown man down.

“The moment he and his furry friends get an order to attack a drug dealer, there’ll be no place to run or hide.”

EFFECTIVE & CUDDLY TOO: A 'drug dealer' being taken down by Minah, AADK's latest addition

Bakir then proceeded to demonstrate the new unit’s effectiveness. A female trainer, who trained the cats in Germany, stuffed in her jacket a very small amount of ganja and pretended to be a drug trafficker. Upon receiving the order, Minah, a 4-year-old orange-and-white mixed breed, quickly and effortlessly tackled the ‘dealer’ with such ferocity that she ’surrendered’ immediately.

“As you can see, the new felines can do everything the K9 unit can, and 100% halal to touch too,” said Bakir, proudly.

“So now, drug traffickers from all religious backgrounds can rest easy, knowing that they’ve got these new, clean and cuddly agents chasing after them. Muslim traffickers would be happy that they don’t have to samak after being taken down, while non-Muslim drug dealers would be pleased to know that AADK is very fair and does not discriminate based on race or religion.”

H1N1 virus upset Malaysians riled up over other things and not it

DISAPPOINTED: H1N1 virus

KUALA LUMPUR — The Influenza (A) H1N1 virus, who wreaked havoc by causing the Swine Flu pandemic around the world a few months ago, is deeply upset that Malaysians have generally reacted more strongly to other events in the past few weeks as compared to when the disease was at its height.

Speaking at a Press conference inside a human host yesterday, H1N1 said that it felt slighted that Malaysians were so easily rattled and emotionally affected by issues of religion and race, spooked by baseless rumours and hearsay, and were very easily swayed by certain quarters’ political propaganda, while these same people couldn’t care less about their lives when the flu pandemic was ravaging the world, including Malaysia.

“I was killing people, man. Killing,” said H1N1 sadly. “How many fatalities did I clock up in Malaysia, what, almost a hundred? More? Dude, I was evil!

“But were people scared? Did they get panicked and run helter-skelter? Prayed in mass congregations asking God to help alleviate the disaster that was me? No!” shouted H1N1, flustered.

WHAT FLU? While authorities encouraged safety precautions during the swine flu outbreak, some people couldn't care less

“People were dying almost everyday, but I didn’t see everyone donning face masks,” it continued, as it fused itself onto a nearby lung cell and began its degenerative infection. “Sure, there were daily alerts in the papers. Hospitals began scanning people and sticking little red stickers on them to show ‘oh, we’re doing something’. But were people on the streets really scared? Did they change their lifestyles drastically to avert being infected? Hell no.

“I still saw idiots going to movies and smooching at the back of the theatres, breathing the same air some virus carrier might be sneezing out!” said the flu virus, visibly upset as it overwhelmed its host’s defences.

“But what happens when they argue over a word? Boom — churches, suraus and now, even a Sikh temple get vandalised. Hate mails fly around, the net is inundated with outbursts and name-calling. What the fuck?’

H1N1 also added that it is simply mystified by how easy it is for people to believe rumours.

“My previous host got this SMS, advising him to remove all indications of his religious beliefs from his car, be it stickers or religious ornaments, ‘for fear of someone smashing his windows’. And he promptly did.

“Look, I understand if he wanted to play it safe — I always believe it’s better to be safe than sorry — but for crying out loud, he went ahead to stock up on food supplies and bought a mobile generator, fearing an all-out riot on the streets! What a dope.

“He should have checked with the local cops and other authorities for facts instead of easily believing every single rumour he hears. Facts, man. Just the facts.”

H1N1 then offered an advice to Malaysians in general.

“Look, you guys have got to get your priorities right, man,” he said, forlorn. “You get upset and get all drama-queen for something so easily solved by rational discussions. But when it comes to something actually dangerous, you think it won’t happen to you, and you go on with your lives.

“How many of you wear seat belts in the car?” the virus asked, sternly. “Face the facts. Arguments and misunderstandings over words can’t kill you. But I can.

“And I’m far from finished. My friends and I are planning a comeback, so get your tissues and facemasks ready, and get your hospitals to stock up on Tamiflu.

“Panic.”

Police warns of overhappy new year celebration

KUALA LUMPUR — IN a move to curb immoral and illegal activities, the police today warned all those who are planning to celebrate the New Year to not overdo it by being excessively happy. 

TAN SRI MUSA: Hopes for a vice-free New Year celebration

 

“Every year we’ve had to deal with revellers getting too happy, drunk and rowdy, displaying improper behaviours in public and even damaging properties,” said Inspector General of Police, Tan Sri Musa Hassan at a briefing this morning. “This year, we’re being proactive and issuing a warning early on, that such overhappy behaviours will not be tolerated. We are a multi-racial, 1Malaysia society, with many cultural sensitivities, so everyone would have to keep a lid on their excitement levels, in order to keep our peace and harmony.” 

Musa said that a special task force has been set up to look for tell-tale signs of overhappiness during the eve of 2010, like groups laughing together, being merry, hugging, and other vile behaviours. 

The Overhappiness to Death Chart

“The team will be vigilant. Heaven knows overhappiness is the root of all vice and social ills,” he said, as he unveiled a chart showing the direct correlation between excessive happiness and the consecutive pain and suffering. “Here, an uncareful reveller will start his or her new year celebrations with being too happy. Next, would come the alcohol, psychotropic drugs and other illegal substances, coupled with wild merriment with friends. 

“And before you know it, pain, suffering, and death.” 

Musa however, said that it is not the police’s intention to be a party pooper or to curb happiness among citizens per se. 

“Of course we want every Malaysian to be happy. However, how happy does one get before others get unhappy with his happiness? Just like rights and freedom — there is a certain limit to it. You are free to exercise your rights, but not until your rights impede of the rights of others. Same thing with happiness. We cannot be too happy until others become unhappy. 

“Sure, we all want to celebrate the coming of the new year. But we also have to remember that in a multi-cultural society like ours, we have to respect the feelings of others. If we go crazy celebrating without limits, what about those who do not celebrate the new year? 

“We want everyone to usher in 2010 in a pleasant, polite manner, and not by displaying wild and shameful behaviours that would embarrass the country. Key word here is ‘pleasant’. No need to be too excited about a new year. No need to be too happy. 

“Besides, 2009 hasn’t been such a happy year for everyone anyways, what with economic uncertainties, alarming crime rates and other crap we find in society. Why should 2010 be any different? 

“So, have a Tolerable New Year. Pleasant, at best.”

Malaysian football stars confident to beat World

PROOF OF GREATNESS: The Malaysian football team after decimating Vietnam for the gold

KUALA LUMPUR — Fresh from the glorious SEA Games gold medal victory over wimpy Vietnam recently, the invincible and utterly superhuman Malaysian football squad today challenged the entire football teams from all over the world to a match.

“We’re unbeatable, to be frank,” said a beaming team captain Mohd Aidil Zafuan Abd Radzak matter-of-factly, as he casually pumped iron while being interviewed at Wisma FAM. “At first, we only knew amongst ourselves that we were the best in the world, nay, the whole galaxy. But now that we’ve got the SEA Games gold, it’s fact.

THE BEST OF THE BEST: Aidil glowing with stunning aura of greatness

“So the team and I have decided to throw the challenge to all the Beckhams, Henrys, Kakas, Rooneys and Ronaldos out there, and their overpaid teams, to come and try to beat us. If they dare.”

The dashing and perfectly sculptured Aidil said that the Malaysian footballers were ‘hungry for action’ and want to ’scalp some so-called superstars’, after easily bulldozing through the obviously inferior South East Asian teams in Vientiane, Laos, a week ago.

“The teams from the region were, how shall I say this delicately, unworthy of our presence. They were quite honestly, pathetic, compared to the flawless strategies and extraordinary skills my teammates and I display,” he laughed, as his posse of 20 or so fans and groupies nodded in agreement and scantily-clad girls rub lotion of his ripping biceps, while he sipped on hot Darjeeling tea. “I have more skills and greatness in my left toe than they have in their whole teams.”

Aidil’s teammate Mohd Sabre Mat Abu added that unlike most world superstars, the Malaysian players only play for the love of the game. “I’ve been observing how these so-called ’superstars’ have been traded around the English, European and South American leagues like meat,” he said, as he majestically posed for fans screaming from across the street, taking pictures. ”At hundreds of millions of pounds, we the superhuman players in the Malaysian team, feel that the money is better spent on charity, instead of wasting it on those bafoons. How silly, they are childish amateurs compared to us.

“So this is a way to change that perception, by thrashing them and telling the team owners to stop wasting good money. I’d love to teach that pretty boy Beckham a thing or two about proper football.”

Aidil said that the date, venue and even the rules for the match would be left to the would-be losers, the World’s superstars.

“We don’t care who we’ll play against, let alone where and when. If they want to be humiliated today, I’ll clear my schedule,” he said, grinning and displaying his perfectly aligned and pure white teeth. “The GQ magazine photoshoot can be done tomorrow.

“In fact, I don’t care how many of them, those so-called superstars, want to play in the game. They can play fair and substitute every two minutes if they want, or they can all play at the same time. My eleven can beat any number. The bigger their number, the better.”

Mohd Sabre added, “They can fill up the entire field, if they want. We are the Malaysian Tigers, and we are jantans. Far from being afraid, we shall destroy whatever false ego and reputation that they have,” he said, before shooing away the reporters dismissively from the room, to accommodate more groupies waiting outside.

Toys ‘R’ Us admits to supplying Santa with toys

THE IMAGE: Santa delivering toys supposedly made by his elves

NORTH POLE — For ages, children around the world were led to believe that the toys Santa Claus left in their stockings on Christmas mornings were lovingly made by his merry elves.

However, that belief was blown away to pieces today when giant toy store franchise Toys ‘R’ Us revealed that it had been supplying most, if not all, of the jovial Christmas icon’s gifts for the last decade.

In a written statement, Chairman and CEO Gerald Storch said that the company was no longer willing to ‘hide the truth’ from the world and ‘continue living an ugly lie’ by letting Santa Claus take the credit for the high quality toys children get every Christmas morning.

“The orders for the latest toys started coming in from North Pole in October 1997,” said Storch. “We at Toys ‘R’ Us were naturally ecstatic at first. Which company wouldn’t like a big corporate buyer knocking on their door?

“As the orders continued and grew the following years, so did our bank accounts. We did wonder who was behind these orders, since the company bought through an agent, who only stated that the buyer was a foundation set up by a ‘well-respected and jolly philantropist’ who ‘loved kids’. He was a very prompt paymaster, so we never bothered about the details.

“However, as we began receiving reports that children around the world were getting ‘more hip and trendy’ toys in their stockings from Santa, unlike the usual traditional ones made of wood, tin and cloth he delivers, our suspicions grew.”

Storch added that his company’s intial investigations showed obvious signs.

“We contacted some of the children who reported that they got uber-cool toys — which they had actually asked for in the wish list they sent Santa – and purchased their toys for investigation. The results were both stunning, and disappointing.

“We discovered that the toys were the ones we sold to our North Pole buyer, but only repackaged and had their logos stripped off. Even the serial numbers were scaled off. However, via the serial numbers found on the inner parts of some of the toys, we determined that the toys were from us.”

Storch said that the company’s board of directors were then faced with a moral dilemma — while Santa’s actions were very healthy to Toys ‘R’ Us’ balance sheets, it was an ‘outright deception’, and ran against the company’s principles.

“In the end, we decided that money is not as important as preserving the honest spirit of Christmas,” said Storch. “We had to make this public, even if we risk losing this big account.”

Toys ‘R’ Us would not reveal how much the Santa account is worth, but sources say that it ran into billions a year.

A spokesman for Santa Claus Inc, in response, said that it was not a deception, but simply ‘a new business model, in line with a global strategy deemed necessary in the new millennium’.

Chief communications officer Elf Rowan said, “Santa Claus would like to state that he sees nothing wrong with subbing out the manufacturing process of his toys to other parties, to improve efficiency and keep up with the times.

“He realises that the kids these days demand more from their toys, and acknowledge that his own toy factory, manned by millions of hardworking and merry elves, was not able to produce such electronic and digital products, and cope with the rising number of children worldwide. He saw, and still sees, no harm in sourcing out, as long as the quality is high and the kids are happy.”

Elf Rowan refused to say if Santa would stop buying from Toys ‘R’ Us, in light of this revelation.

“Santa will have the whole of next year to evaluate the current situation. He will make a statement at a much later date.”

Toy manufacturers Hasbro and Mattel, when contacted, said that they were not concerned about whom the kids get their products from.

“As long as our high quality, super-cool and uber kick-ass toys fly off the shelves and make our customers happy playing and learning, we’re okay,” they said, in a joint statement.

Defence Minister upset over stolen courage

ZAHID: Incensed that so much courage was stolen

KUALA LUMPUR — After the revelation that not one, but two jet engines worth RM50 million each  from the Royal Malaysian Air Force were stolen and sold in the black market in 2007, the nation is shocked yet again to learn that the RMAF had also lost 100,000 canisters of courage to thieves.

In what Defence Minister Datuk Seri Dr Ahmad Zahid Hamidi refers to as ‘a betrayal to the country and its people’, the many units of precious human virtue were, by chance, discovered missing after the team investigating the missing engines did a complete audit of the RMAF inventory.

“This is preposterous!” said an incensed Zahid at a Press conference in MINDEF. “First, these conniving thieves cart away with millions of ringgit’s worth of jet engine, only to sell it back to us. Now we learn that they also took so many units of courage! How are my soldiers supposed to fight enemies when not fully equipped with such an important virtue?

“We’re still grappling with the loss of the engines, we can’t deal with this!”

In the earlier jet engine case, two units of General Electric J85-21A afterburner turbojet engines — the power plant for the single-seater F-5E Tiger 11 and RF-5E Tigereye — were discovered missing from the Sungai Besi RMAF airbase during routine maintenance service. Also missing were their maintenance and service records.

Asked how the thieves managed to get pass the security system while moving such a big number of courage, Zahid said that it could only have been pulled off by inside people with acute knowledge of the RMAF security protocols.

“We have multiple levels of security checks and verifications to ensure nothing gets out of RMAF inventory without being cleared by the base’s top management,” said Zahid. “Obviously there is a leak in the system, with trusted officers committing this grave offence for their own personal gain.

“However, make no mistake. We have set up an independent investigative panel, consisting military and police personnel, along with consultants from the MACC, to probe this. It’s impossible to escape with such a big quantity of courage without leaving a trail. We’ll get to the bottom of this, and get the culprits.

On whether it was still possible to recover the missing courage, originally purchased in 2003 from the UK, now that it had entered the black market, Zahid said that he was optimistic.

“Although courage, like other rare human virtues like honesty and integrity, is hard to find, it can be quite outstanding in the black market, a place filled with people with fear. A powerful trait like courage will shine when put in a sea of cowardice, so it wouldn’t be long before we sense it. We have people tracking it as we speak.”

Asked how many of the RMAF personnel would be affected by the lack of courage, Zahid said that nearly half of the lower-ranking personnel stood to be courage-deficient, but fortunately, the other branches of the military like the Navy and Army had kept spare units, and were willing to lend them to RMAF. “This is temporary, of course, until we find the missing units, or we get new ones for the RMAF. So don’t worry, we will not be seeing our men and women in uniform walking around being afraid of everything.

“Thankfully we are not at war, so the need for large amounts of courage and other virtues like self-sacrifice and team spirit is not so dire.”

Zahid added that he will be looking at revamping the security system and policies to prevent more of such thefts from occuring in the future.

“We’ll be making the procurement and inventory systems more transparent, and institute more checks and audits. God knows we can’t afford to lose more crucial items like jet engines and courage.”

Finally, asked whether he and his investigative team would have the courage to prosecute ‘big fish’ if senior officers were found guilty of the thefts, Zahid said that his own courage was procured when he was in the previous ministry, and was not part of the RMAF stock, and that it was still very much intact in his heart. “I’ve made sure that the people I picked to probe this case still had ample reserves of courage. They would definitely need courage to go after the big fish, if necessary.

“And we will be merciless.”