Mawi honoured to take Beyonce’s place

KUALA LUMPUR — Pop megastar Mawi said he was delighted to be performing in place of US singer Beyonce Knowles, who inexplicably postponed her concert at the Bukit Jalil National Stadium tomorrow.

Calling the opportunity ‘an honour’, Mawi said that he would try to carry Miss Knowles’ songs to the best of his ability, and that he would strive to “bring the Beyonce experience to her fans” in any way possible, including dressing up like her.

MAWI: "You won't be able to tell the difference."

“When organisers Marctensia approached me to do this, I was shocked, naturally,” said the lad, who rose to instant superstardom after winning the Akademi Fantasia talent search reality show a few years ago. “I thought, they’ve got to be kidding — I mean, Miss B’’s music is so different from the kind I usually make. And our performances differ so much.

“But I figured, this was a rezeki to me, and it’s not good to ‘tolak rezeki’ (say no to good fortune), so I took it as a challenge and said ‘yes’.”

Mawi added that he’ll be busy rehearsing for the show the whole day today.

“I’ve got to not only memorise the lines from Beyonce’s latest songs, including that fabulous hit, Halo, but all her dance steps as well,” he said, looking concerned. “But I believe my experience in Akademi Fantasia has taught me how to prepare for a live show in the shortest time. I’ll be ready tomorrow,” as he twirled and shook his booty suggestively.

When asked how he would be dressed and made up to look like Miss Knowles, Mawi said that he wasn’t worried.

“Beyonce and I already share the same facial structure,” he said, pointing to his cheekbones and chin. “And our eyes are equally attractive — although I might add that mine are more luscious.

“So all it takes for me to flawlessly transform into her is a good wig, massive waxing and a hot costume. I mean, I’ve been waiting for the opportunity to show off my delicious cleavage and smooth, silky legs,” Mawi said, winking, probably hinting to his Silky Men spokesperson deal.

When asked what his wife Ekin thought of the Beyonce concert, Mawi said that she was very supportive.

“Initially Ekin was quite sad with her not coming, being a big Beyonce fan and all. But when she heard the news that I was taking the spot at the concert tomorrow, she was ecstatic, almost hysterically happy.

“In fact, I believe she’s still laughing now.”

Catch Mawi, as Beyonce, at the Bukit Jalil National Stadium tomorrow. Gates open at 6pm.

Beyonce to stay extremely decent for Malaysian concert

The event poster

UPDATE: Beyonce has postponed her concert due to ‘personal reasons’. Marctensia spokesperson Siong has confirmed that the reason was that the baju kurung she had ordered two weeks ago could not be ready in time.

KUALA LUMPUR — Organisers of the Beyonce concert scheduled this October 25 at the Bukit Jalil National Stadium have agreed to the Home Ministry’s directive that the American pop superstar ‘remains decent’ throughout her concert. According to Tony Siong, spokesperson for Marctensia, the singer herself, full name Beyonce Knowles,  is “thrilled at the prospect of performing her ‘I am’ World Tour for the Malaysian public, while keeping a close check on the local sensitivities”.

“Miss Beyonce will no doubt be leaving all her skimpy clothes in her native land of sin and evil, America,” said Siong, enthusiastically. “Heaven knows she understands that she cannot be bringing such vile things here and corrupt our pure and innocent youngsters.

“While other event organisers and performers don’t pay much attention to such matters, like how the Satan-worshipping band, Michael Learns To Rock, came to Genting and bared their super-sexy chests and straying the crowd into the path to Hell, we at Marctensia care about the moral state of Malaysians,” he continued. “In fact, the only way we could agree to bring Miss Knowles here was for her to agree to perform without any element of naughtiness or sexiness. And that includes her dance moves, which, we all know, would drive any normal human being to having wild and promiscuous sex.”

Siong added that the un-sexy concert directive would not only cover the singer’s attire and suggestive dance moves, but also her alluring and arousing make-up.

SINFUL: Miss Knowles will be leaving such eye-popping, sex-inducing attire out of her KL performance

“Her make-up is dangerous. It’s almost like a prostitute displaying her wares and calling for you to sample the dish. For free. It’s that powerful.

“I’m afraid we cannot let that happen. We have to protect the Malaysian men from suddenly having erotic fantasies as Beyonce bats her long and mascara-ed eyelashes. So it’ll be make-up free that night. In fact, we’re considering other ways to protect the audience from this powerful temptation, perhaps by playing with lights to hide her face, or maybe even get her to sing behind a wall,” said Siong, sternly.

“It goes further.”

“We realise that the sexy part about Beyonce is not just her revealing clothes, curvaceous figure, stunning ‘thunder-thighs’, angelic face, fiery hair and killer gyrating moves. It’s also her voice. It can melt hearts and, honestly, make people have sex, take drugs and commit suicide.

“So we’re taking every step to minimise the damage she could inflict,” said Siong. “We’ll be feeding her microphone input through a digital voice altering processor, so she would sound less sexy.

“The final product would still be essentially ‘Beyonce’, but with a ‘Transformers’ and robotic feel to it, so it’s all still good. And oh yes, there’d also be a two-second delay for the audience to hear it. Minimal disruption, really.

Siong says that he hopes the concert will run smoothly, without problems or sinful things.

“I would advice the audience members to dress accordingly, as we would be conducting dressing checks at the entrance. Show too much skin, and you’ll be denied access. Wear suggestive clothes and you’ll be arrested for counselling sessions. What do you think this is, a sex fest?

“Other than that, have fun!”

Nobel Prize dents Obama’s Norway invasion plans

NORWAY: To be the largest theme park in the world

WASHINGTON, DC — The Norwegian Nobel Committee’s decision to award US President Barack Obama with the Nobel Peace Prize this year has somewhat thrown a spanner in the works of his plans to invade the country.

In a White House statement released today, President Obama expressed both his appreciation for the recognition, and his disappointment that ‘his plans to turn Norway into a giant winter theme park is derailed’.

GIBBS: "The president is not happy"

“We’re deeply honoured,” said White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs. “But the president is sure as hell not amused now that he can’t have his winter wonderland by Christmas this year.”

Gibbs explained Obama had been planning to send the US Navy Atlantic Carrier Group, a fleet of warships and aircraft, in addition to a number of nuclear submarines, to ‘obliterate all man-made structures and any signs of human civilisation’ in Norway, to leave a clean, snow-covered vast area of flora and fauna, a perfect place to start an all-year winter theme park.

“The first lady is an avid skier, and the president really loves his wife,” said Gibbs. “He was really hoping to top the Bulgari necklace Christmas gift he gave her last year with this theme park, tentatively called ‘Norwinter Wonderland’.

SNOW-COVERED PARADISE: Obama's planned Christmas gift for the First Lady

“But the Nobel Committe’s decision to award him with the Peace Prize for ‘his efforts to bring the world closer together in peace and harmony’ has truly made any plans to invade Norway unfeasible at this moment. I mean, it would be a PR nightmare — destroying the very people who honoured him for peace. It’d be so not politically correct.”

Gibbs also expressed his displeasure at how the Norwegian people handled the threat of being displaced by a theme park.

“They’re pretty sneaky, aren’t they? Somehow they got to know about our warships approaching their waters, and got the Nobel people to spring this on the president.

“Such manipulative bunch of bastards.”

Asked if the president had another country in mind to turn into the winter paradise, Gibbs said that the choices were limited.

“Sweden is quite nice, but President Obama knows that the First Lady has a liking for IKEA products, so invading that nation would not go down too well with her.

“I think the most likely scenario this year is that the president would be finding a replacement Christmas gift instead, and save Norway for next year. He’s still keen on raining hell upon the Scandinavian nation to get the winter park concept rolling, but let’s just say that this year, he’ll probably be going out shopping again.”

Bagan Pinang By-election: Resident certain his vote will decide winner

BAGAN PINANG — As the campaigns of both BN candidate Tan Sri Isa Samad and PAS candidate Zulkefly Omar heat up for this weekend’s state seat by-election, local resident Karim Rejab, 31, announced that his vote will be the decider in the race.
“The word on the ground is that it’ll be a very close race,” said Karim matter-of-factly, at a Press conference hastily called at Warung Mak Yah about 2km from town centre. “Yes, Isa’s people might be very confident, what with the constituency being a BN stronghold and his stellar record as Menteri Besar, but the Pakatan people don’t seem to want to make it a walk-over. They’re working very aggressively to win over the fence-sitters. It’s a 50-50 chance, I believe. And my vote will be THE one determining the winner.”

KARIM: Will accept both cash and gifts

Karim further added that as of today, his doors will be left open for candidates or their agents to visit and try to win his vote.
“I’m still undecided — hint, hint,” Karim said, winking at the Bernama TV camera. “I know this is the time when politicians from both sides would come promising things and being a little generous with their gifts and ’sweets’. So, being the guy who’ll be deciding the outcome of this by-election, I’m formally inviting both candidates to convince me to mark their box in my ballot paper.
“I’ve heard of candidates giving bateks, bicycles and even TVs to win votes… I’m open to all that. But I prefer cash, it leaves me the option of getting whatever I need, like ciggies and stuff.”
Asked if he would provide a bank account number to facilitate easy payment of ‘gifts’, Karim said that he does not have one.
“I’ve never had the need to open an account,” said the jobless bachelor, who lives with his mother. “I occasionally help my mother out at her banana fritter stall, lifting bananas or bags of flour, whenever I need money. She gives me cash, so there’s never been a need to go through the banks. It’s such a hassle.
“Besides, they tell me that I can’t open a savings account with only RM5. But I expect that to change since I’ll be getting a lot more cash from the candidates,” said Karin, gleefully. “I’ve got my eye on the new Modenas. It’s such a chick magnet.”
Asked if he knew where he’d be casting his vote, Karim said no, and that he’ll ask around later. When told that he could check his registration details on the Election Commission website, he paused.
“We have to register?”

Politicians don’t say dumb things for whole day

KUALA LUMPUR — Politicians from all divides in Malaysia have somehow done the impossible for the whole day today — they refrained from uttering anything remotely brain-dead.

In what political scientists are warning as ’signs of Kiamat (Armageddon)’, public figures in politics, be it in state and federal levels all the way down to branch party and grassroots scene, have miraculously survived their waking hours without even making any statements that would normally turn stomachs and induce coma in averagely-intelligent people. Some were reported to have even said, in a matter-of-fact way, fairly smart, non-obvious and thought-provoking things, like “Let’s seriously look at what matters to the people”.

“This is an alarming development, I must say,” commented Universiti Malaya Political Science professor, Prof Dr Azahari Mans at his office this morning. “Politicians not uttering a single stupid thing? Actually refraining from expressing their so-called thoughts? This is surely a sign of the End of Days!

DANGEROUS DEVELOPMENT: Prof Azahari

“The people are used to hearing dumbass statements being spewed by those leading them,” added Prof Azahari.  “These mind-numbing pieces of gem, like “Money politics is not a crime, it’s a lifestyle”, or “That highway collapse is an Act of God” are obviously the product of that vast space found in between the ears of many politicians, but we’ve all gotten used to it. They’re a part of life. Politicians cannot suddenly change and take that away from us.”

Some community leaders and Members of Parliament were heard discussing — and making some really deep statements — about the direction of the economy, and whether or not the region is truly on rebound from the recent slump. Some even expressed concern about how it will effect the livelihoods of their constituents, providing realistic figures and urging their own superiors to act.

Prof Azahari is not amused. “If we wanted to hear smart things, we’d watch movies.”

Sociologist Dr Wong Meng Hoon warns that there would be consequences if today’s event — or non-event — were to be repeated.

“Anarchy, for sure,” said Dr Wong. “Everyone in society has a role to play, and has been playing for thousands of years. Even if we were to change, it happens slowly — in an evolutionary way.

“For a whole group of public personalities to change their colour overnight, it would surely affect the rest in a drastic way. This is nothing short of a social revolution.”

Dr Wong added that he hopes level minds will prevail, even if those involved are not accustomed to using the mind.

“Politicians are supposed to say dumb things. Keep doing so, please. For the sake of the country.”

Rais: Let’s call it Demam Pukimako

Rais explaining the new name

KUALA LUMPUR — Fresh from being snubbed by the Health Ministry on his proposal that we revert to calling the H1N1 Influenza “Selsema Babi” (Swine Flu), Information Minister Datuk Seri Utama Dr Rais Yatim has proposed that the global pandemic be referred to as “Demam Pukimako” instead.

Speaking at a hastily-called Press conference at Angkasapuri today, Rais said that the proposal is tabled to avoid further confusion amongst the citizens, who now don’t know what to call the disease, which has taken over 1,000 lives worldwide.

“First it was ‘Swine Flu’ or ‘Selsema Babi’, and some people and some pigs got offended,” said Rais, annoyed. ”Then it was ‘H1N1′, but then it was torn between either ‘H Satu N Satu’ or ‘H One N One’. I tried to make it simple by going back to the original, ‘Selsema Babi’, coz I think it’s a babi of a disease. But then some people don’t agree. So now, I say fuck it. Let’s call it for what it is.

“It’s a pukimak of a disease. It’s spreading, and we’re losing the war, despite everything we’re doing. So there. Pukimako.”

Asked if he took offence to the Health Ministry and the medical fraternity not accepting his previous proposal, Rais responded, “Pukimako.”

“They’re the ‘real’ doctors, yeah? Like the ‘Dr’ in front of my name don’t mean jack shit, yeah? Pukimako.”

Rais said that to make the name more complete, he also proposed a sign language hand gesture for the hearing impaired.

The Pukimako sign language gesture

“Take one hand, hold it like a fist, with the thumb area pointing upwards. Then slap that part of the hand loudly with the other palm, as you quietly mouth ‘Pukimako’. That should do the trick, especially when you’re describing your flu-like symptoms with your doctor, or officers from the Health Ministry.”

The Press conference ended as abruptly as it began, with Dr Rais screaming at the top of his lungs as he left, “PUKIMAKOOOOO!”

UMNO and PAS union not happening, wedding planner to sue

WONG: 'It was going to be fabulous'

KUALA LUMPUR — It was supposed to be the Wedding of the Century, eclipsing even those of Mawi-Ekin or Siti-Datuk K. But despite all the hype, and most importantly — preparation — the most eagerly anticipated marital event in recent times between UMNO and PAS is not to be. And one party most unhappy with this development would be celebrity wedding planner Roger Wong, owner of Eternal Bliss Sdn Bhd.

“When I was approached to plan the wedding of UMNO and PAS for the end of the month, I could hardly believe it,” said Wong, at his outlet in Jalan Bukit Bintang. “I was like, ‘no — freakin’ — way’. I mean, these two are the biggest names in Malaysia, who doesn’t know UMNO and PAS? Can you imagine the guest list alone? I was extremely excited. So excited that I started going to work immediately. Flowers, the dress, tux, baju melayu, cake, broadcast rights, fireworks, A-list celebrity entertainment – the whole nine yards. The reps from UMNO and PAS said that money was no object, so I went on overdrive.

“And now they’re cancelling the whole thing? Who’s going to pay for all the stuff I’ve ordered?”

Talks of UMNO and PAS tying the knot began more than a year ago, after the last general elections in March 2008. After the opposition coalition, Pakatan Rakyat, took over 5 state administrations and de facto leader Datuk Seri Anwar Ibrahim officially entered the Parliament, the rumours subsided. However, the possibility of a marriage surfaced yet again a month ago when PAS President Datuk Seri Hadi Awang mooted the idea of a ‘unity government’ between the two parties in his speech at the PAS muktamar, effectively ‘proposing’ to the Malay party in public. UMNO President, Prime Minister Datuk Seri Najib Tun Razak, in return, while not outright saying ‘Yes’ to the proposition, gave hints that it was interested to talk further, assumingly to discuss pre-nuptual arrangements. However, due to pressures from family members, in particular from party elder Tuan Guru Nik Aziz Nik Mat, PAS made an about-turn and said the wedding plans are off.

LOVE STORY WITH NO HAPPY ENDING (from left): Najib, Nik Aziz and Hadi

“My heart skipped a beat when Hadi proposed,” said Wong. “This was going to be the climax of the greatest love story of all time! I was like.. ’say Yes, say Yes, SAY YES!‘ When UMNO hinted that it was possible, I shed a tear of joy. And now, this. I am angry.

“No, I am more than angry. I am enraged! Do you have any idea how much a Jovien Mandagie wedding gown costs?” 

Wong admitted, however, that he may have rushed into the deal, pre-empting the event even before getting a black and white.

“Yes, I was a bit stupid, putting in my own money — and reputation — preparing for this bash, based on a verbal agreement. I mean, PAS and UMNO had not even decided who was going to be the bride, and who was groom. Personally, I think Hadi would look horrid in a gown, so I think he should be groom, but to prepare for any eventuality, I had asked Jovien to prepare a one-size-fits-all silk white gown, laced with 5,000 pieces of Swarovski crystals,” said Wong, dejectedly. “But by the sound of things, it seemed like a sure thing. The two parties indicated that it was going to happen. They were married once, afterall,” referring to PAS and UMNO’s previous marriage in the ’70s.

“I want them to pay for this,” said Wong. “With the gown, the huge cake, the flowers already being prepared and now going to waste, I not only lost money, but my face. Now I’ll only be known as ‘the ultimate wedding planner that was supposed to be’. My friends are sniggering behind my back.

“If they were never serious about getting hitched, they shouldn’t have announced it to the world like that. They just hurt their family members, friends, and innocent victims like me.”

Critics pan Michael Jackson for cancelling tour

Michael Jackson

LOS ANGELES — Prominent music critics Larry Steinberg and Rosco Marshall lashed out at pop superstar Michael Jackson today for cancelling his highly anticipated global comeback tour, labelling the 50-year-old singer ’selfish and inconsiderate’ for ‘abandoning his fans’.

“It’s unbelievable,” said Steinberg, in his popular online music review column, steinbergsays.com. “How selfish can a guy be? He’s created so much hype about his coming back, getting everyone so excited and ‘thrilled’, only to pull the plug at the very last minute. Can you imagine the hurt he caused to his hard-core fans?”

Jackson, who rose to stardom with his siblings in the Jackson Five, and later with smash hits Bad, Thriller, Beat It, Man In The Mirror, Black Or White and many others as a solo artiste, was in the midst of a massive global tour, which many billed as his comeback tour after many years of staying out of the radar and focusing on rebuilding his life and reputation damaged by accusations of inappropriate behaviours, accusations which were later proven false. The ‘gloved one’ had today cancelled the tour, his management citing ‘unavoidable circumstances’.

“He shouldn’t have walked away from such a big promise,” said Marshall, contributing showbiz critic for entertainment magazine RockingChair. “When he announced that he was coming back, the whole world welcomed it with open arms. In fact, the whole world had supported his whole career since he was young. Even when some people were crucifying him all these years from his court cases and reports of his weird behaviours, his fans stuck with him.

“And now, his fans feel like being slapped on the face.”

Marshall added that the cost of cancelling the tour would be humongous.

“I can’t even begin to imagine the legal and financial ramafications from this move. The commitments he’s made to event organisers, music labels, broadcasters — all this will further add to his woes.”

However, Steinberg says that the ultimate cost would be from his loyal fans.

“He’s lost a lot of credibility before this. But this — this unapologetic disregard for fans’ feelings — will be the nail in the coffin for his career. I tell you this — the next time he plans another ‘comeback tour’, no one will bother. No one.”

 

Update: Critics Larry Steinberg and Rosco Marshall were found dead an hour ago, in what police said is a ‘well-deserved homicide’. The popular music critics’ heavily-battered bodies were discovered by a trash collector in one of the garbage bins behind an LA restaurant. Police chief John Ritter refused to comment at length, saying only that “the fucking idiots deserved it”. The coroner has filed their deaths as due to ‘natural causes’.

EDITOR’S NOTE: Rest in peace, Your Highness. Thanks for the music, and the memories.

Maths and Science to be taught in Bahalish

MUHYIDDIN: Luking fowed tu yusing Bahalish tu tich Methemetiks end Sains in skuls

KUALA LUMPUR — In a decision expected to appease both sides of the divide, the Education Ministry has said that Mathematics and Science in schools would be taught in Bahalish, an intergration of Bahasa Malaysia and the English language.

“We thought long and hard about the issue,” said Minister of Education Tan Sri Muhyiddin Yassin, at a Press conference at the ministry, which was also attended by his Education officers and language consultants. ”We realised that this is a very sensitive issue, one that not only touches the future of our children, but also the fabric of our multi-racial society. So we had to be extremely careful, and try to find a win-win situation for everyone.”

The issue of picking the language to teach the two subjects has been a hot one since the decision to use English was adopted a few years ago, sending temperatures rising among educationists, politicians and the common man. On one hand, suppoters of teaching in English say that it is the only way Malaysian students can prepare for global competition since English is the world’s lingua franca, and that most of the world’s knowledge is stored in that language. Critics, however, say that many students are struggling with the language, and by using English to teach Maths and Science in schools, they would end up struggling with Maths and Science too, further exacerbating the situation. Adding fuel to the fire are some politicians, who have somehow managed to make it a racial issue.

“I have to admit, it was getting very complicated. Convoluted. We somehow needed to simplify it, and not lose our focus,” said Muhyiddin. “And then it dawned on us — to simplify the big issue, we needed to simplify the core problem, which is the medium itself.

“And so, our panel of experts deliberated, pouring over data and conducting extensive research, to finally arrive to the conclusion: we must intergrate the languages. Hence, the new and improved Bahalish! This way, there is no issue of ‘which language to use’.”

Muhyiddin then demonstrated the simplicity of the new language.

“For example, if one were to say in English, ‘The big brown fox jumps over the lazy dog’, the Bahalish translation would be ‘De big braun foks jamps ove e lezi dog’. See? Very simple, yes?” he asked, confidently.

He added, “And the beauty is that you can also say it in a more Bahasa-skewed Bahalish, like this: ‘Moo-sung young burr-saur eetoo mer-lowm-putt merler-puss-see sir-eh-core un-jeeng marr-lus’. I mean, it’s so easy, even a pre-schooler would be able to pick it up in a jiffy. I’m getting goosebumps just speaking in Bahalish!” Muhyiddin said in jest, as his language experts laugh in agreement, eyes red and puffy presumably from the sleepless nights doing their experty stuff.

“We’ll start using Bahalish next month, after getting all textbooks and materials translated and distributed to all schools. English and Bahasa Malaysia would no longer be taught, since they’re redundant, and will be replaced by intensive Bahalish courses. I am confident this decision will be accepted with open mind by everyone involved,” he added. “We take care of everyone’s feelings, no culture is marginalised, and most importantly, our children will have access to the world’s knowledge with no problem whatsoever.

“In fact, we believe the world will see our wisdom and start adopting Bahalish very soon.”

Asked what the ministry plans to do with the other languages taught in schools, Tamil and Mandarin, Muhyiddin said that Bahalish has opened up the floodgates for more innovation.

“Our teams will work on it. Frankly, I don’t see anything wrong with combining other languages. Will it be Tamdarin, or Manmil? It could be both. And at the end of the day, I dream of one common language, in line with our Prime Minister’s noble concept of 1Malaysia.

“I hope that one day, we’ll all be speaking, writing, learning and doing business in Bahalishtamdarin.”

Obama and Kim compare nuclear manhoods

North Korean leader Kim Jong-il (inset) and a Taepodong-2 ICBM

PYONGYANG — As North Korea successfully detonated its underground test nuclear bomb and sent shockwaves across the peninsula, its leader Kim Jong-il warned the world, in particular the US, to ‘not mess with me and my colossal, planet-killer nuclear dick’.

Kim, 68, the Chairman of the National Defense Commission, Supreme Commander of the Korean People’s Army, General Secretary of the Workers’ Party of Korea and all-round kick-ass Man-in-Charge of the freaking country, said in a strongly-worded statement that he’s building even more nuclear bombs, and that ‘no fucking G.I.Joe in a blue berret is gonna tell me not to’, referring to the U.N.

“What? The Yoonited Nations, headed by that piece’a’shite Ban Ki-Moon, condemns my nuke test and demands that I stop playing with my atomic ballistic dicks?” asked Kim. “Well, boo-fucking-hoo. Make me.”

North Korea incurred the wrath of the world, especially neighbouring South Korea and its ally the United States, after conducting an underground nuclear weapons test on May 25, resulting in a 4.7 Richter-scale magnitude earthquake. This was the second such test, after first detonating a smaller-yield weapon in 2006. On May 26, North Korea test-fired two more short-range missiles from its east coast missile test facility. The communist nation has fired a sixth short-range missile since then. The U.N. Security Council on May 25 unanimously condemned North Korea’s nuclear test, including strong objections from China and Russia.

“Do you think I care?” asked Kim, commonly referred to locally as ‘Dear Leader’. “Like them, now I’ve also got a big nukie dickie. They don’t like that. They think only they can have radioactive schlongs. They think other people cannot have nuclear salami. Well guess what? My bratwurst’s huge, and it’s a mushroom-clouder. Deal with it. Ha-ha.”

On U.S. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton’s statement that ‘for the world to not take significant and effective action against North Korea’s recent “provocative and belligerent behavior” could spark an arms race in Northeast Asia that nobody wants’, Kim responded that she may just have penis envy.

“Oy, we all know she does not have a boner, so I understand if she’s rather jealous of my redwood,” said the leader-for-life, while stroking the big red button on his desk which would, upon pressing, set into action a nuclear assault on South Korea and the region which would eventually invite armed response and level the world. “She has been itching to wear the pants since the first day she set foot in the Whitey-House, and I know it musta hurt to let ol’ Bill run the show,” he joked, pan-faced.

President Barack Obama, when told about the North Korean leader’s defiance, said that ‘the gnat obviously doesn’t know what the term ‘big dick’ really means’.

President Obama

“What, Kim said that? C’mon!” said the younger, more athletic and more nuclear-powered president. “He wants to compare nukie-dickies? Has the guy ever checked the net, for cryin’ out loud? Not only do I have many, many more nuclear bombs, but my ICBMs are way bigger and packs more oomph!

“I suggest Mr Kim get some bootleg adult-movies with black actors doing the action,” said the U.S. Commander-in-Chief, swaying his hips. “Then he’ll know that the myth about black guys having the biggest, most potent warheads, ain’t just myths.”

U.N. Secretary General Ban Ki-Moon, when asked to comment on this dangerous situation which threatens to escalate into an all-out nuclear war, said that ‘calm minds must prevail’.

“For God’s sake, if one side starts to flex their nuclear-nether-region muscles, the other would only follow suit with a bigger response. In the end, all will lose. We must continue to pursue to resolve this conflict via diplomatic channels.

“If not, we are all fucked.”