World finds out 11:11:11 11-11-11 just a bunch of dumb numbers

WORLD — Roughly 7 billion people around planet Earth today realised that despite the hype and sentimental bullshit, 11:11:11 11-11-11, the stylised expression of 11:11:11am, 11 November 2011, is just a stupid point in time, with no significance whatsoever to anything important. To the disappointment of the world’s population, the moment came and went without anything remotely remarkable happening.

The Moment, captured in perpetuality without any significance

“Shit, man. I was hoping something big happened,” said Mbutu Kwambe, a 35-year-old trader in Zimbabwe’s capital city, Harare. “I waited outside, with my laptop and TV on, to see if any alien would appear to take over the planet or if Armageddon would happen. Zilch. What a waste of good numbers.”

Li Shan, 47 from Shanghai agreed. “I took the day off from my accounting job to fully immerse myself in the moment. I mean, this supposedly significant number only happens every hundred years or something. It’s bigger than the eclipse of the sun, or even the near-miss of some potentially harmful comet! But what the hell, man. My poop this morning was more eventful.”

At the United Nations headquarters, leaders of the world voiced their dissatisfaction that none of the UN members did anything big to ensure that the moment would be celebrated next year onwards.

“From fuck’s sake, do I have to do everything around here?” said UN secretary general Ban Ki-Moon in disgust at a special session to address The Moment, right after the moment came and went. “Where are all the fireworks? The man-made disasters? Some significant event we’d be able to tie to The Moment and celebrate year after year? How come nobody invaded anybody? Or bombed the hell out of some city? We can’t just depend on North Korea to be the bad guy and do some newsworthy shit all the time!”

However, there were some small consolations for the World. Everywhere across the globe, couples were getting married, girlfriends were proposed to and wedding vows were remade at the precise moment the digital clock displayed the 1′s. Hopes were abound that perhaps, the digits would magically make the unions more significant and stronger than regular ones.

“My new husband and I officially became a family at 11:11:11 11-11-11!” said Regina Lim, a beaming bride from Kuala Lumpur, as the groom Ronald Chan looked on in mild amusement. “I know that being married at The Moment will ensure our happiness and longevity of our marriage. It’s such a magical and romantic moment!”

Mr Chan, when met privately later however said, “Sheesh, it’s such a pain. I mean, it’s Friday late morning — who the heck marries on a weekday? But she wanted it, so, being the doormat that I am, I let her have it.”

Asked whether he believed the significance of the Moment as much as his new wife, he said, “I don’t know. She’s so bossy and I’ve got a short temper. I want kids, she doesn’t. So as you can see, we’ve got some serious compatibility issues yet to be resolved. We’d be lucky to survive the next year.”

Satan appalled by Petknode duo

DEPTHS OF HELL — Satan today expressed his disgust at the level of cruelty and nonchalance displayed by the owners of Petknode, the ‘pet hostel’ found to have housed over 90 cats, in addition to more than 200 others in their private residence, in highly deplorable conditions during the Raya holidays. About a dozen were already dead by the time rescue arrived, while the rest were dying, most nothing but skin and bones.

Speaking from his brimstone throne, the Dark Lord said that even he, in his eons of evil existence, has not gone down that low or shown such lack of humanity and mercy. Adding that it’s not often he’s ever been shocked by anything, he didn’t think humans were capable of abandoning 300 cats and kittens to a slow and painful death.

“The first time I read about it, I thought it was fiction, honestly,” said Satan, shaking his head in disbelief. “I never figured such crass cruelty and absolute disrespect for life could originate from human beings. It’s heartbreaking.

“But these two cruel bastards, their actions brought tears to my eyes,” said the Evil One, holding back his emotions as he looked at pictures of the abandoned cats, some too weak to even move. “As evil and badass as I am, I wouldn’t think of putting defenseless creatures in such horrid environments. Even in Hell we only torture those who deserve it. What have the little kitties done to deserve such treatment?”

Satan ended his statement by issuing a stern warning to the Petknode owners and other animal abusers.

“Your Earthly laws may not get you,” said Satan, referring to the unnecessarily forgiving animal protection laws in Malaysia. “You may think you’ll get away with fines, yes, but your time will come, you heartless bastards. I’ve got something special waiting for you in the fiery pits of Hades. Though it’ll never compare to the conditions you put the cats through, I can assure you that I’ll try my very best to make it — um, ‘hospitable’ — for you. Perhaps, something involving my fiery pitchfork being shoved up somewhere.

“We’ll get friendly, you worthless piece of shit.”

Malaysia beats Arsenal 25,741 – 0

KUALA LUMPUR — In what many pundits considered a ‘grossly unfair match’, Malaysia’s national football squad tonight beat visiting English Premier League club Arsenal 25,741-nil, with most of the goals scored in the last 15 minutes.
The Malayan Tigers began their onslaught on the oblivious-looking Gunners right from the start, when Mohd Aidil Zafuan shot from the middle of the field squarely into the helpless Gunners’ goal. None of the visitors could do anything, seeing how the ball travelled at the speed of light.
Half a minute later, the ball found its way into Arsenal’s goal yet again, when Zafuan’s mental powers willed it away from the feet of Aaron Ramsey and travelled past goalie Wojciech Szczesny right into the net.
Roughly two seconds later, Kunalan Subramaniam stole the ball from a shocked Carl Jenkinson, dribbled playfully around the superstar and shot nonchalantly, while blindfolded, into the visitors’ net.
And by the time the score went past the five thousand mark nearing half time, Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger knew that the fight was over. Throwing his arms into the air hopelessly, he took off his pants as a sign of defeat and left the Stadium Malawati to express his disgust.
The humiliation by Malaysia XI continued in the second half, the home team deciding not to let the visitors off easy. As the Gunners looked on dejectedly, envying the Tigers’ almost magical footballing skills, the local boys had a feast, scoring an average of 138 goals a minute. By this time, no one kept track of who scored the goals — everyone on the field wearing the black and yellow jersey had a ball, pun intended.
As the whistle blew, head coach Datuk Rajagopal was seen waking up from his nap and going onto the field, consoling the Arsenal players, who were mostly crying their eyes out and collapsing in shame.
In the post match Press conference, Rajagopal said that he was generally pleased with his boys’ performance, but cautioned them not to be complacent when facing two more EPL teams, Liverpool and Chelsea, visiting in a few weeks’ time.
“While this was sort of a ‘warm up game’ tonight, I expect the Tigers to put more effort in thrashing the English teams,” said Rajagopal. “I’ve told them, no less than a hundred thousand goals for each game.”

Hishammuddin: BERSIH failed, air quality still bad

OKAY: This is a parody. Fake. A joke NOT to be taken seriously or as an actual piece of news. If you can’t understand that, get the hell outta my blog and read factual stuff. Like Utusan.

HISHAMMUDDIN: 'It's pointless. The air is still dirty'

KUALA LUMPUR — Home Minister Datuk Seri Hishammuddin Hussein today called last weekend’s BERSIH rally ‘a failure’, pointing out that the air quality in the city has not only stayed dirty and smoggy, it got worse.

“So much for bersih,” said Hishammuddin mockingly at a Press conference held at a hotel compound here. “I would think that with the tens of thousands of supporters crowding the city to lend their energy cleaning the air, at least KL folks would be able to breathe some clean, fresh air this week, but it is still unbelievably dirty out there! It smells like smoke, for goodness sake!”

The Home Minister said that the government had not expected the BERSIH 2.0 rally, a sequel to the 2007 event, to succeed in cleaning the air, and was not surprised the rally failed to bring the Air Pollution Index (API) number down.

“This morning alone the API reading was somewhere between 90 to 100, which can’t be healthy at all, I must say,” he said, covering his nose in disgust while pointing to the smog engulfing the city centre. “That was why the auuthorities had been against the BERSIH movement all these while, we knew their efforts would not make any difference to the air quality. It’s pointless, only causes inconvenience to the already suffocating KL people and at the end of the day, is an exercise in futility. We want them to go do something more productive and healthy, like enjoying the weekend with their families.

“I’m fighting hard not to choke from the suffocating smog here!” he said, gesturing reporters back indoors where the air is conditioned, filtered, purified and scented by the hotel for good measure.

“I know it rained a little during their rally, I suppose their cloud-seeding efforts worked somewhat,” he continued. “But look at where we are today? The smog got worse instead. I can barely recognise the landscape. Visibility is back to just one kilometre, making it difficult for a lot of people like pilots, tourists and birdwatchers,” he said, pointing to the layer of dust on the other side of the window overseeing the city.

SUFFOCATING: Despite BERSIH's efforts, air quality has dropped

When asked about the fires in Sumatra and Borneo which may have contributed to the drop in air quality, Hishammuddin said that his intelligence officers did brief him about some foreign element in BERSIH.

“Yes, we have long suspected that some outside forces were in cahoots with the BERSIH organisers. One theory is that the foreign elements were inducing the bad air in Kuala Lumpur, so that BERSIH have reason to continue holding more rallies. But we are on to their ploy.

“Look, even the government has tried many ways to clean the smog and improve the air quality, but even with our formidable resources, we have only had limited success. What more a ragtag group of NGOs trying to chant their way to clean the air? It’s a waste of time,” he said, ending the conference, coughing.

AMBIGA: Rallies are awesome

When contacted, BERSIH chairperson Dato’ Ambiga Sreenevasan  said the BERSIH rally was a success, and would continue organising such events, as long as the need is still there.

“Yes, there were problems last weekend, we had some issues with communications, safety and crowd control,” she said. “But the next time, we aim to be more organised and perhaps, introduce more commercial elements in the rally. We’re talking to the Malaysian Rally Association to bring some big international names in the rally circuit, just to add some spice to the event. Imagine having seven time world champion Sébastien Loeb or Norway’s Petter Solberg racing their all-wheel-drive machines down Jalan TAR, or even our own Flying Sikh, Karamjit Singh doing some fancy drifting in Dataran Merdeka, burning rubber – wouldn’t that be awesome?”

Ambiga said that future rallies would still be done in Kuala Lumpur, despite the authorities’ instructions to hold them outside city limits.

“What’s the point of holding a street rally in some kampung or offroad path? That makes us no different than the usual rallies held all over the world. BERSIH wants to make a difference, so let’s be different!”

Obedient Kids Club demands attention

DISOBEDIENT: This is what the OKC is fighting against

KUALA LUMPUR — As the row over the Obedient Wives Club (OWC) and statements made by its officebearers is simmering, the younger but longer-established Obedient Kids Club (OKC) has today made a statement asking the nation to give some attention to them now.

In a written statement read by its vice-president Khairul Azmi bin Saipul, 9, the OKC said that “they had made obedience ‘in’ long before before the OWC was even conceptualised”, and that it wasn’t a “friggin’ big deal”, referring to the Obedient Wives Club, an organisation allegedly put together by former members of Al-Arqam, a banned religious cult and business entity in Malaysia.

“It’s unbelievable how the country — nay, the world — got so caught up by the Obedient Wives Club and the things they said,” read Khairul. “We the OKC have been advocating obedience and absolute submission to our parents and adults in general for almost 3 decades, and nobody paid attention. Like the OWC, we’ve taken the things we’ve been taught by our elders and written in books, and turned them into a policy, for what we believe would contribute to a harmoneous nuclear family and a healthy society in general. And yet no one stood up and protested vehemently. No one was disgusted, saying that we were ‘reversing a century of progress’ and so on. What gives?”

Khairul added that while the messages that the OKC may not have been as sensational as the ‘better than prostitute’ statement the OWC vice president Dr Rohana Mohamad made, the 50,000-strong membership club does have some spicy things to say, deserving of mention in the papers and television.

“For example, the OKC believes that kids should behave at all times, and not just when there are adults around! Now, how’s that for sensational statement, huh?” he asked the journalists who attended the Press conference at his backyard in Subang Jaya. “And get this — the OKC thinks sticking to the bedtime that parents set for us is every child’s duty! Now that’s simply incendiary, yeah!

“Ooh, yeah, if we want to touch on the super-sensitive topic of S-E-X,” continued Khairul, whispering the letters S, E and X, “then here’s OKC’s principle: we think kids should NOT engage in any sexual activities or even be exposed to it! HAH! That should rile up some children’s rights activists, yes?” he laughed.

“So please, after a week of name-calling, socio-political commentaries and jokes, let’s all just forget those so-called ‘conservative’ OWC,” said Khairul, ending the conference after hearing his mom call his name. “We the Obedient Kids Club are definitely more conservative and less progressive. We make it our goal to curb all kinds of freedom yearned by children around the world, from TV to Playstation, from girl- and boy-friends to questioning whatever our obviously smarter adults say. The media focus should be on us! People should be enraged by this club’s very existence!

“So BBC, NYT, CNN, whoever… gimme a call, ya?” he said, while doing the thumb-and-pinkie ‘phone’ gesture and quickly running back inside after his mom began yelling his name and threatened to ground him.

American Idol loser Lauren Alaina plots revenge

HOLLYWOOD — American Idol season 10 first runner up Lauren Alaina has announced that she will have her revenge against winner Scott McCleery very soon.

A CHOKE TOO LOOSE: Alaina wished she had finished him off earlier when she had the chance

Speaking right after the finale show, where McCleery took the title after a nationwide vote, Alaina said that ‘the prick will get it, for sure’.

“Yeah, that’s right. ‘Runner Up’. That’s just another word for ‘ Freaking Loser’,” said the 16 year-old, angrily. “Everyone knows that crown’s supposed to be mine, and not that country bum. MINE!

“I mean, come on! I’ve got more talent and charisma in my middle finger than that Elvis impersonator’s whole body. This is a gross miscarriage of justice,” she added, while flipping the said finger to reporters.

“One thing for sure, I ain’t taking this lying down. If that boring butthead thinks he’ll be enjoying his ‘well-deserved’ win, he’s got another thing comin’,” she continued. “It’s not fair, the world knows it, and I’ll make sure he pays for this humiliation. Oh yeah.”

Alaina then proceeded to describe her elaborate scheme.

“The first thing is to start a psych internet warfare. At this very moment, my cybertroopers have begun planting propaganda materials on that skinny bastard on every known site and possible database. My team — Team Alaina! Woohoo! — had spent the last few months collecting all sorts of dirt on each of the Top 12 for this purpose. Now, it’s time to use it. The world will see what kind of an asshole he is,” she said excitedly, before breaking into a loud, shrieky guffaw. “By the time he’s done, that boy will be wishin’ he’s back in his little town, milkin’ cows, y’all.”

Taking out a poster of the 17-year-old McCreery and tearing it in half, Alaina continued, “And if that doesn’t kill him, we’ll deploy our aerial attacks and smart cruise missile assault campaign. My nuclear submarines and aircraft carrier combat fleet are at Defcon-2 level, parked at the coastline waiting for my orders. All it takes is just me giving the go-ahead and that mo-fo’s toast,” she said, snapping her fingers.

“We all know why he so-called ‘won’, right?” asked the teenager from Georgia. “It’s those stupid tweens, that’s why! Dumbass little schoolgirls who couldn’t tell the difference between real talent and flannel-wearing rednecks with Darth Vader’s voice. They’re the ones who made up the majority of the 100 million voters. Parents gave ‘em cellphones to call home, and these morons blow their money on voting for prettyboys.

“Not that I’m saying Scott’s pretty. Ew. He looks like my uncle. And I hate my uncle,” she murmured, breathing heavily while slowly shearing McCreery’s torn poster into little pieces with a hunting knife.

“Anyway, ‘Congrats’, Scottie. Enjoy your five minutes of fame. If I were you, I’d check under my car for anything suspicious before I turn on the engine.”

Justin Bieber KL concert stopped halfway after his voice breaks

A GROWN UP NOW: Bieber performing minutes before his voice changed

Oh I can’t believe I have to do this: NOTE: his piece of ‘news’ is fake. A sick joke. Just like this WHOLE BLOGSITE. Please do NOT belieb– I mean, believe it as true. Thanks.

KUALA LUMPUR — The much anticipated and sold-out concert of uber teeny-bopper Youtube sensation Justin Bieber in Malaysia was unexpectedly cut short after the Canadian singer’s voice finally broke, and he became a man.

Bieber, 17, who was discovered on video-sharing site Youtube in 2008 is known for his high-pitched voice, which betrayed his true age. His songs receive extensive airplay and earning him extraordinary exposure, mostly due to his child-like voice.

“We’re very sorry, especially to all the ‘Beliebers’ out there, and particularly to those who attended the concert, that this had to happen,” said Ng Chong Wan, a representative of the concert organiser SkinnyGirlz Sdn Bhd. “The timing could have been better, of course but really, you can’t help it if mother nature decided to turn you from a little boy into a mature man while you’re on stage, performing in front of 15,000 screaming fans. I mean, this caught us off guard too.”

The blonde-haired heartthrob had gone through about 45 minutes of his two-hour scheduled performance when all of a sudden, in the middle of performing his hit single Somebody To Love, he began coughing lightly before choking for a bit, and continued singing in a deep, almost Darth Vader-like voice, much to the chagrin of the stunned audience. The music stopped as the crowd stood in silence, and Mr Bieber was quietly escorted backstage before organisers announced the end of the concert and ushered the audience out. Teenage girls were crying and wailing uncontrollably.

“It was horrible,” said Sarah Yen, 13, who came with her two sisters and mother to catch her idol. “At first I didn’t believe it, but when they told us that Justin was ‘sick’ and couldn’t continue the show, I felt like dying.

“He’s finally grown up! The moment that we’ve all been dreading all these while, arrived without mercy. Justin is now a man. A grown up! What do I do now?” she asked, in between teary sobs, hugging her visibly upset mother.

“It’s both historic and sad, I guess,” said Henry Yap, 21, who bought two tickets to the concert as a birthday present for his girlfriend. “I’m happy to see that the boy can finally act — and sound — his age, it’s something that all guys are supposed to go through, but I’m kind of sad to see his career as a child star cut short like this. Especially in front of so many people.”

Ng, meanwhile, refused to comment whether this voice cracking meant the end of Bieber’s amazing rise from a small-town Youtube star to an international megastar worth an estimated US$100 million.

“Look, we’re just the organisers, you’ll need to ask his label or his management about that. We’ve got enough to worry about — people are going to ask if we’re going to refund half the money, since Justin only performed half a concert. Understandably we’ll have to refer to our legal people. These are not exactly ordinary circumstances.

“Whatever it is, we’ll continue to support Justin Bieber’s career where ever this ‘new development’ takes him. Acting? We’ll promote him. Modelling? He’s still very cute, although not for long, considering that he’ll be growning more facial hair now that he’s a proper man.

“Even if he’ll have to appeal to a more mature market after this, we’ll be more than happy to bring him back to KL. Even tenors and baritones have fans in Malaysia.”

Humans glad to be back to ramming Earth’s behind

LOOKING GOOD: Humanity's effort to fuck up the planet looks promising

ALL OVER THE PLANET– Almost a week has passed since the Earth Hour ended, and humans around the world breathed a sigh of relief as they were free to fuck the world’s environment once again.

“OMG, I’m glad that hour’s over,” said Michael Johnson, 47, a vice president of an manufacturing firm based in the US. “It was such a pain in the ass refraining from doing anything destructive and selfish during that stupid hour. But now that we’re all back to normal, I’m happy to be spending energy needlessly, throwing away household waste indiscriminately and generally being a prick with the planet,” he continued, while adding that his chemical and manufacturing plants will be stepping up its factory operations in Asia and Africa despite slow demand for their products, simply to spend as much energy as possible and release as much pollutants into the air and water as they can.

Kim Jong Moon, 56, a businessman in South Korea shared the same sentiment. “I know we were only supposed to observe Earth Hour by turning off non-essential lights and also unplug unnecessary electrical items, but my friends and I decided to go a little further by cutting our water and gas usage for the entire hour, you know, to make a bigger impact for our beloved planet.

“But now that the hour’s over, we can all go back to fucking the planet in its behind without guilt,” he continued, as he switched on all the available lights, electrical equipments, the engines of his gas-guzzling hot rods and pushed his apartment heater to max temperature.

Earth Hour was celebrated on March 26 between 8.30pm to 9.30pm as a symbol of energy conservation, as part of a global movement to save the planet from destruction caused by the overconsumerism of its resources. Participants observing the event, from individuals to corporations and governments, switched off non-essential lights and equipment for the hour.

“Seriously, it was like abstaining on your wedding night,” Kim continued, straining his voice trying to speak over the sound of all the faucets in the apartment turned on at full blast. “It was a real bitch trying to make Earth happy, we had to sacrifice so much to make  Earth Hour work. Fortunately this stupid thing’s only an hour a year. I’d be going nuts if some smartass decides to turn it into Earth Day, Earth Week or whatever. Fuck that.

“In fact, the guys and I are heading up to the park later to make a giant bonfire just to make up for whatever positive impact the hour had achieved. We’re burning wood and whatever garbage we find around there. I personally hope to find some old tyres — they make the blackest smoke,” he said, giggling. “And all my facebook friends around the world are doing the same. It’s heartwarming to see a global movement to finish off the planet in a concerted effort.”

Another human in Germany, who wanted to be known only as Sarah K, 34, said that it was every human’s civic duty to be themselves and help Earth continue the downward spiral towards imminent doom. “During Earth Hour, I personally stopped burning shit into the air, you know? I even refrained from buying some illegally poached elephant tusk-ornament for my living room. It was just painful to see it online but not buy it.

“But now that that nonsense hour has passed, I advocate my fellow humans around the world, all 7 billion of us, to go back to being the selfish assholes we’ve been the rest of the year. Spend energy and all the resources like they aint’ never gonna deplete — after all, Earth is a big-ass planet. There’s more than enough to go around. In fact, I’m getting the tusk AND an endangered tiger penis. I hear it’s good for health. Checkout counter girl asks me ‘Paper or plastic’ at the supermarket? Give me paper AND plastic! And triple-bag it, biotch!

“Hell, nobody lives forever, man,” she continued as she poured spent cooking oil down the sink. “So the world will be a mass heap of crap in two or three decades? That’s the next generation’s problem.

“My kids have been having an easy life anyway, spoilt by the Xbox, Wii and other crap. Might as well give them a bit of challenge.”

Hassan Skodeng a free baboon!

DIFFICULT CLIENT: Jahaberdeen trying to discuss the case with an unattentive Hassan at the court cafetaria

PETALING JAYA — In a landmark decision this morning, the Petaling Jaya Sessions Court freed the editor of Nose4news, Hassan Skodeng, after the public prosecutors classified his case of writing lies with regards to TNB and Earth Hour as ‘DNAA’ (discharge not amounting to acquittal).

Speaking at the court cafetaria after the court ruling, Mr Skodeng expressed his relief at the turn of events.

“Naturally I’m quite pleased with the decision,” said the baboon, as he sipped his teh tarik, his red bottom cheeks glowing radiantly with happiness. “I’ve always maintained that the article I wrote was purely fictional, and written in jest without any malice intended, so I’m glad everyone’s sensibility and sense of humour prevailed.”

Hassan was charged under section 233(1) of the Multimedia and Communications Act in September last year after a fictional parody he wrote earned the wrath of TNB, Malaysia’s national power company. In his satire, TNB was said to be upset with the World Wildlife Fund (WWF) for organising the annual Earth Hour, in which participants turn off non-essential lights for an hour in support of energy conservation.

“I’m just glad it’s over,” added Hassan, as onlookers jeered in disgust over having a naked baboon in the court complex. “For months I’ve been having sleepless nights, wondering what would happen to my wife and kids if I were jailed. But now that everyone’s cool again, I can finally get back to foraging the jungle, looking for fruits and stuff — you know, whatever baboons and mandrills do.”

Hassan’s counsel Datuk Jahaberdeen Mohd Yunoos said that he was thrilled that the case was over.

“I’m just happy I don’t have to deal with primates again,” he said, with a look of relief. “At the beginning of the case I thought, here’s a baboon being prosecuted for his … uh… wild sense of humour, and he deserved justice. But in hindsight, I probably should have stuck to defending humans. He was uncooperative, could not focus on the case and was always up to no good.

“And for goodness sake, I never knew how much wild animals stank until I met this guy.”

Looking appreciatively, Hassan said, “Well I’ve only got good things to say about Datuk J. He smells good. He da man.”

“And he da baboon,” said Jahaberdeen, dismissively as he walked off. “Never again.”

Hassan also expressed his deep gratitude to all those who had supported him throughout this ordeal. “First of all, to my wife, sorry. But you’re stuck with me. And to all the bloggers, friends both online and off, Nose4news readers, family and colleagues — thank you. I shall try to keep myself out of trouble from now on.

“No promises though. I am still a baboon.”

Psychic predicts next year will be 2011

KUALA LUMPUR — A well-respected fortune teller has announced recently that she predicts next year will be 2011.

MADAM GRACE: Psychic with 100% accuracy

Madam Grace, who last month successfully predicted the results of the 2010 World Cup with 100 percent accuracy, told reporters that she had a vision two nights ago, where an apparition resembling her deceased great great grand-auntie, another well-known soothsayer back in her days, told her that there was an ‘almost absolute likelihood’ that the year 2011 will commence, as soon as this year, 2010, ends.

“It was quite clear in my vision,” said the chain-smoking psychic at the Press conference held at her mansion in Bukit Damanasara, explaining her epiphany. “My great great grand auntie, the greatest clairvoyant the world has ever seen, told me that not only will 2011 fall next year, but she was very explicit about the date — it will happen on January 1, at the stroke of midnight, local time,” much to the amazement of those present.

The famous but reclusive ‘futurist’, as she likes to call herself, revealed that contrary to some longheld beliefs, 2011 will not begin in three year’s time, but instead will arrive much sooner than most expect.

“Believe me when I say, prepare thyselves! The New Year will be upon us in merely weeks, so it would be prudent to start making arrangements for its arrival,” she said sternly as the seasoned journalists stayed transfixed, in awe of her profoundness. “Close your accounts, prepare new ones. Buy your children’s new school supplies, for the new year’s schooldays will begin.

“And for God’s sake, get new daily planners.”

Madam Grace, who famously predicted most of the global events merely days or sometimes years after they happened, including the economic downturn, the 2008 general elections and the demise of Michael Jackson, warned that those who take her predictions lightly will pay the price.

“Heed my call, I urge you! Like my great great grand auntie, I have been chosen by the powers that be to be able to see the future! Remember the Titanic tragedy? My great great grand auntie forsaw it and warned everyone two full weeks after the great ship sunk! Two weeks! Did anyone listen? No! Hence, the horrific and utterly avoidable loss of lives,” related the celebrated psychic, whose clients include political strategists, economic analysts and sports betting practitioners who rely on her tarrot card, tea leaf and rune-reading capabilities, in addition to her magical visions.

“So I urge you, Malaysians, to make the necessary preparations, for there are many events to come. 2010 will be drawing to a close, but not before another life-changing event happens: I predict that Christmas Day will fall on December 25 — exactly SIX DAYS before 2011 arrives! Do you see the significance?” she asked excitedly, as the reporters try to decipher the tarrot cards she nonchalantly arranged on the table.

As everyone present struggled to come to terms with her startling revelation, Madam Grace continued with yet another bombshell, “Here’s something to ponder: I predict, on my great great grand auntie’s grave, that 2011 will NOT be a leap year, and there will be precisely 365 days before the year ends!”

Asked what next year — this mysterious ’2011′ — brings for all, Madam Grace, thankfully, gave a positive outlook.

“Malaysia will experience a positive and healthy economic growth, provided that the economy does not experience a downturn,” she said, matter-of-factly. “I believe each one of us will find love, but only IF we have not already found it or love is not there for us to find. And life, in general, will continue throughout the year – but only on one condition: if we do not die within the year.”