Tag Archives: White House

Canada: Bieber barred from returning, deportation by US considered act of war

OTTAWA — The Canadian government announced today that any move by neighbouring US government to send singer Justin Bieber back home is ‘unconscionable’ and would be considered an act of war.

HARPER: My duty to protect Canada

HARPER: My duty to protect Canada

Speaking from the PM’s Office in Parliament Hill, Prime Minister Stephen Harper said that the current effort by Americans to deport the 19-year-old through the online petition to the White House is of ‘major concern’.

“The Canadian government certainly takes this issue very seriously, as it could potentially affect our national security as well as economic and social stability,” said Harper, denouncing the move. “When the ‘subject’ decided to move to Los Angeles in 2008 and the US people wholeheartedly accepted his relocation, it was a one-way deal, and we clearly stated that it was permanent. This is not Walmart — there’s no return policy here.”

WILD BOY: Bieber behaving badly

WILD BOY: Bieber behaving badly

Bieber, who recently ran afoul of the law after he was arrested for drag racing and DUI in addition to resisting arrest in Miami, became the latest subject in the White House’s Online Petition initiative. Concerned Americans fed-up with his spoilt-brat antics filed a petition calling for the deportation of the superstar back to his home country or anywhere ‘that’s not the US’. According to the website, the White House promises to review any petition by the public which gathers more than 100,000 signatures in 30 days, and the ‘Deport Bieber’ petition surpassed 175,000 in just 6 days.

“We understand that our brothers and sisters down south may have reached their boiling point after seeing the girly-boy turn from a Youtube child sensation into an uber-rich, ungrateful piece of blonde crap, soaking up valuable oxygen and displaying the kind of decadent excesses which would make any working American vomit blood,” said Harper empathically. “But sorry, you let him in. Now he’s your problem.”

OUT: The online White House petition

OUT: The online White House petition

Bieber, who rose to stardom under the mentorship of pop singer Usher via songs such as ‘Baby’, ‘Boyfriend’ and ‘Never Say Never’, movie and TV appearances as well as hooking up with Selena Gomez, has had a stellar career in the short span of 5 years, amassing a personal fortune of US$160 million. However, the constant spotlight has somehow turned the youngster into a rather unpleasant and wild person who has no issue getting high or drunk, terrorising neighbours, bringing exotic monkeys into other countries and urinating into random janitor mop buckets.

Harper added that it’s not proper for countries to import something only to try to return it just because it’s gone rotten.

“Look, we gave the US Avril Lavigne, Alanis Morissette, Shania Twain and Celine Dion, and the country had no problem enjoying our gifts and exploiting the products of the Canadian creative environment. They were all great, iconic personalities which brought nothing but happiness to your country. You give them Green Cards, but once one of them gets bad and unruly, you want to send it back? That’s not fair — you gotta take the good with the bad, eh?

“Okay, maybe Celine Dion was a bad example. But you get the point.”

The PM said that the border authorities had been instructed to increase its patrols to ensure Bieber doesn’t get through.

“We’re on high alert. Maintaining order and good sense is priority in Canada. Having the Americans violate this would mean severe diplomatic consequences,” stressed Harper. “My job is to protect innocent Canadian lives, and my government firmly stands behind this decision.”

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Nobel Prize dents Obama’s Norway invasion plans

NORWAY: To be the largest theme park in the world

NORWAY: To be the largest theme park in the world

WASHINGTON, DC — The Norwegian Nobel Committee’s decision to award US President Barack Obama with the Nobel Peace Prize this year has somewhat thrown a spanner in the works of his plans to invade the country.

In a White House statement released today, President Obama expressed both his appreciation for the recognition, and his disappointment that ‘his plans to turn Norway into a giant winter theme park is derailed’.

GIBBS: "The president is not happy"

GIBBS: "The president is not happy"

“We’re deeply honoured,” said White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs. “But the president is sure as hell not amused now that he can’t have his winter wonderland by Christmas this year.”

Gibbs explained Obama had been planning to send the US Navy Atlantic Carrier Group, a fleet of warships and aircraft, in addition to a number of nuclear submarines, to ‘obliterate all man-made structures and any signs of human civilisation’ in Norway, to leave a clean, snow-covered vast area of flora and fauna, a perfect place to start an all-year winter theme park.

“The first lady is an avid skier, and the president really loves his wife,” said Gibbs. “He was really hoping to top the Bulgari necklace Christmas gift he gave her last year with this theme park, tentatively called ‘Norwinter Wonderland’.

SNOW-COVERED PARADISE: Obama's planned Christmas gift for the First Lady

SNOW-COVERED PARADISE: Obama's planned Christmas gift for the First Lady

“But the Nobel Committe’s decision to award him with the Peace Prize for ‘his efforts to bring the world closer together in peace and harmony’ has truly made any plans to invade Norway unfeasible at this moment. I mean, it would be a PR nightmare — destroying the very people who honoured him for peace. It’d be so not politically correct.”

Gibbs also expressed his displeasure at how the Norwegian people handled the threat of being displaced by a theme park.

“They’re pretty sneaky, aren’t they? Somehow they got to know about our warships approaching their waters, and got the Nobel people to spring this on the president.

“Such manipulative bunch of bastards.”

Asked if the president had another country in mind to turn into the winter paradise, Gibbs said that the choices were limited.

“Sweden is quite nice, but President Obama knows that the First Lady has a liking for IKEA products, so invading that nation would not go down too well with her.

“I think the most likely scenario this year is that the president would be finding a replacement Christmas gift instead, and save Norway for next year. He’s still keen on raining hell upon the Scandinavian nation to get the winter park concept rolling, but let’s just say that this year, he’ll probably be going out shopping again.”

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