Tag Archives: parody

Woman first human to be OPEC member

JONES: Thrilled to be part of this exclusive club

ONTARIO — For Andrea Jones, 35, her oily face had always been a problem. Ever since she hit puberty at ten, she’s always been the butt of jokes and taunts from family members, friends and colleagues. Now however, her overactive oil glands are proving to be a blessing as she received news that she has been accepted in the prestigious Organisation of Petroleum Exporting Countries (OPEC). The 12-member coalition, whose membership includes Angola, Iran, Kuwait, United Arab Emirates, Venezuela and Saudi Arabia, sent their offer to join to Miss Jones this week after carefully studying her oil-producing capabilities.

“Oh my god, this is an absolute dream come true,” shrieked Jones when contacted. “I’ve been trying to get rid of this oil on my face, with numerous types of mattifying moisturisers, oil blotters, medicated wet wipes and lotions, all to no avail. I clean my face in the morning and by lunchtime, I was dripping with oil. It has been such a pain!

“But now, look at me. I’m standing shoulder-to-shoulder with Qatar, yo!” she beamed, her face reflecting the ceiling light and partially blinding those present.

Showing the offer letter signed by OPEC secretary general, His Excellency Abdalla Salem El-Badri, Jones said that she was initially skeptical that a regular person like her could join such an esteemed global body.

“I mean, I thought, who am I to be compared to countries like Venezuela, who produces 2 million barrels of crude oil per day? I was barely pushing a pint per day. I didn’t think I was worthy of the honour,” admitted Jones. “But since the OPEC members have, as Mr El-Badri put it, ‘unanimously agreed’, I couldn’t say no.”

Jones says that instead of avoiding oily food as she had been trying to do the last few years, she will now eat only greasy fares.

“The oilier, the better!” she exclaimed. “Now, I typically start my day with a bucket of golden brown deep fried chicken, dipped in saturated fat, for breakfast. For lunch and dinner, I alternate between fried fish and beef jerky, all dripping grease. Yum-my! As for snacks, I now only take palm oil kernel, dipped in salsa, you know, to keep my body balanced.

“OPEC was pretty clear with me about the rules,” said the single clerk. “I have to keep my oil production up, or else they’ll revoke my membership. I completely understand, they have to keep the global balance of power in their favour, and I have to play my part.”


Filed under Business, World News

KL folk miss bad KL air

LUBUK MERBAU, KEDAH — It was another dreadful day for Mohd Khalis Bakar, 31, as he woke up at his parents’ old wooden house by the lush paddy fields, where coconut trees that reach into the sky sway in the northern winds. The moment he took in his first breath of fresh air for the day, his heart sank and his lungs constricted painfully.

HELL FOR KL-FOLK: Blue skies, clean and crisp air

Mohd Khalis, like many other KLites back for the Hari Raya Aidilfitri balik kampung, is struggling to get used to the clean, fresh air, found aplenty in the rural areas.

“I thought I was going to die,” complained the father-of-three. “It’s hard on my lungs, really. The air here has way too much oxygen levels, it’s suffocating. My body is finding it difficult to cope with the cool, pure and absolutely clean air. It’s horrible,”  he added, stroking his chest as he wheezed softly.

“Don’t get me wrong,” he added, whispering, either to prevent his old parents from hearing, or simply out of breath. “I do love my kampung, and I do enjoy bringing my wife and kids back to see their relatives for Hari Raya, to keep our ties of silaturrahim tight and all.

“However, while my heart enjoys these balik kampung trips, my lungs miss the pollutant-ridden, smog-filled excuse of breathable air of KL. I can’ take this!”

His view is shared by his wife of five years, Nina, who hails from Klang.

“The first time Abang Khalis brought me back to his parents’ kampung, I felt like jumping out of the moving car,” she said, frowning. “At first, when the fresh, clean air entered the air-conditioning system of the car, I thought there was something wrong with the system. I asked him if there could be some foreign de-contaminant entering the car air-con inlet or something. But when we stopped to check, and I breathed in the outside air, I felt this sharp, cold sting piercing every inch of my lungs, as if there were tiny knives stabbing me. I was shocked. I’m from Klang, where ‘blue skies’ meant a ‘blue-ish tint of grey’, not this ghastly and obscenely actual blue sky. My body was momentarily paralysed by this purity.”

Mohd Khalis interjected, “Yeah, she almost didn’t want to marry me!”

The couple admitted that over the years, they have grown somewhat accustomed to the near-zero pollution air.

“We had to train our bodies, back in KL, to prepare for our balik kampung trips,” said Mohd Khalis. “I cut down on my smoking, and occasionally went for jogs in the forest reserves in the outskirts of Ampang.”

“But we’re still struggling, though,” said Nina. “I mean, we really, really miss the bad air our bodies are used to. We miss all the toxic and highly concentrated levels of carbon monoxide, sulphur and the nauseous mix of other debilitating gasses found in KL air. It’s been four days in the village, and our kids are still suffering. They’ve lost appetite, energy and are moody all the time.”

Mohd Khalis added, “We do find respite once in a while, even here in Lubuk Merbau. My dad’s old tractor still runs, and when my folks aren’t around, I take my wife and kids to inhale the diesel smoke. It’s not the real deal, but it’s close. And we do huddle behind the outhouse at night, smoking and enjoying the beautiful mixture of toilet scents and tobacco smoke. Simply divine!”

Mohd Khalis said that they’re really looking forward to going back to the city in two days’ time.

“The first place we’ll go to get our bodies back in shape is the Puduraya bus terminal. We’re going to camp out there, immersing ourselves in the crud-filled, tar-laden fumes. Whoa, that place is the centre of good ol’ bad air. We can’t wait!”


Filed under National News

Food looking forward to Ramadan rest

KUALA LUMPUR — If there were anyone that couldn’t be happier that Ramadan is here, it would be foodstuff. As Muslims observing the holy fasting month would abstain from eating during the day, leaving roughly only half of the population not fasting, it means that food would be getting eaten less often, and get more time for themselves.

“I’m excited, really,” said Nasi Ayam, when met at the Mid Valley Megamall branch of The Chicken Rice Shop yesterday. “This would be my first fasting month, and judging by what I heard from my food-friends around the restaurant floor, it’ll be a relatively quiet month. I mean, my brothers and I have prepared ourselves for the daily buka puasa rush, but at least we’ll have the daytime to relax and catch up on things. Mee Sup over there told me she plans to sleep all day,” he said, pointing towards the noodle dish resting by the stove.

“Personally, I’m looking forward to finishing the three Dan Brown novels I just bought.”

NASI AYAM: Plans to catch up on some reading

A quick survey around the food court on the mall’s 3rd floor revealed an equally excited mood. The Chicken and Beef Teppanyaki Combo Meal said that he had been looking forward to the fasting month for a long time.

“Everyone’s been working very hard all year round,” said the sizzling dish, as a hungry shopper considers him while scanning through the colourful menu. “Malaysians are a hard-eating lot. From sunrise till sunset, they eat like there’s no tomorrow. With all the choices of delicious and mouth-watering dishes available, I’m not surprised. I mean, look around you,” he asked, gesturing toward all the food stalls offering both local and international fare.

The sentiment is also shared by the drinks.

“It’s a well deserved rest, I must say,” quipped Ice Lemon Tea, as Iced Barley and the Fountain Fizzy Drinks nodded in agreement. “It has been utterly exhausting, being drunk 24-7. While it’s quite understandable, seeing how hot and humid the country is, the amount of drinks people consume per day still surprises me. It’s no wonder Klang Valley is facing the threat of a water crisis!” he joked, ice cubes swirling all over as he shook, laughing.

ICE LEMON TEA: Surprised by people's thirst

Meanwhile, the Ikan Masak Lemak Cili Api, a veteran amongst the dishes there, offered a cautionary view. “I would encourage all my food friends to enjoy the rest while we can,” she said solemnly. “While there will be fewer people eating during the day, and some of our workload will be undertaken by the seasonal guys like Ketupat, Lemang and Rendang, all of us must not forget that we’ll have to gear up for the Big Push,” she remarked, referring to the foodfest people affectionately call Hari Raya Aidilfitri. “From experience, I can say that those people who have somehow managed to refrain from eating a lot for a whole month, will be stuffing their mouths like starving war refugees for the next month.”

Again, the disclaimer: Obviously, this story isn’t true, and has nothing to do with anyone, dead or alive. Unless, of course, your food talks to you.


Filed under Features, National News

Aedes declared official national bird

KUALA LUMPUR — In a bid to raise awareness of the dangers of dengue fever, Malaysia’s Ministry of Health has announced that it has entered into a collaboration with the Ministry of Tourism to make the Aedes mosquito the country’s official bird.

Aedes,  a genus of mosquito typically identified by black and white stripe markings on their body and legs, was originally found in tropical and subtropical zones,  but has spread by human activity to all continents excluding Antarctica. Several of the species transmit important human diseases and one species, Aedes albopictus,  is the most invasive mosquito in the world, spreading yellow fever and the dreaded dengue. In Malaysia, the disease is so rampant that it is not uncommon to read about fatal cases every other week.

“We figured, people weren’t taking dengue fever seriously enough,” said Minister of Health Datuk Seri Dr Liow Tiong Lai at the announcement ceremony in Putrajaya, attended by Minister of Tourism, Datuk Seri Dr Ng Yen Yen. “I mean, we’re talking about anywhere between 700 to 800 dengue cases being reported every single week. Obviously, despite all the anti-dengue and anti-Aedes campaigns that we’ve run all these years, people aren’t taking notice, let alone taking it seriously. So one day, while I was bitching about this to my colleague Dr Ng here, a lightbulb lit.”


BEAUTIFUL BEAST: Dr Liow (left) and Dr Ng giving their thumbs up to the collaboration

“It was a momentous occasion,” said Dr Ng, excitedly. “There he was, getting all worked up about how to get the message across to
the thick-headed Malaysians out there about how deadly the Aedes mosquito is, and coincidentally I was in the middle of trying to figure out which bird I’d pick to be the national bird. We were like, ‘Eureka!’

“Think about it,” she added. “The tourism ministry was searching a bird species that is indigenous to our land, one that is both unique, beautiful and exudes all the quality we can be proud of. The Aedes has it all!”

Gesturing toward a large scale replica of the killer mosquito, Dr Ng said, “Look at these aethetically-pleasing stripes on the limbs, thorax and abdomen. They’re absolutely gorgeous! And to think that the Aedes is extremely resistant to whatever poison people spray, we’ll never have to worry about our national bird ever going extinct!”

Dr Liow added, “It is hoped that when we declare the Aedes mosquito as a national bird, effectively raising this beautiful creature’s status as a national icon, Malaysians in general will open their eyes to the dangers of having them around, hence would do the necessary to rid themselves of this scourge.” 

Dr Liow then announced that the two ministries have entered into an MOU to share their budget, to produce a two-in-one advertising awareness campaign over the next year, totalling about RM12.75 million.

“We’d be telling people to take notice of this national bird, to appreciate its beauty and tenacity, and then, to kill it!” said Dr Liow, stomping his right fist onto his left palm, like how the Shieldtox muscular guy does it in the ads, to the laughter of the Press attending the event.

Dr Ng added, “We’ll also be launching a nationwide roadshow to educate the public about Aedes and dengue, in addition to special edition stamps, website, print ads, billboards and TV commercials. We’ll have story-telling contests, concerts by Faizal Tahir, Reshmonu and Suki, who will be singing about the positive qualities of the Aedes mosquito, and the virtues of destroying the buzzing beasts. Hopefully, these efforts will draw attention of Malaysians to them.

“The talented dancers at Tourism ministry have also created a new dance, sort of a variation of the poco-poco 1Malaysia dance, the only difference being the dancers would be in black-and-white striped body suits with wings.”

“Not to forget those cute mosquito bottoms!” added Dr Liow, laughing.

NOTE: Seeing how gullible some folk can be, I’ve decided to add this little disclaimer at the end of every article after this: THIS IS A JOKE. A PARODY. IT IS UNTRUE. DO NOT BELIEVE THIS PIECE OF GARBAGE AS ACTUAL NEWS.


Filed under National News

James Cameron to produce 3D glasses for real world

HOLLYWOOD — After the immense success of his groundbreaking 3D sci-fi film Avatar, director James Cameron is currently working with cinematic 3D technology developer Dolby3D to bring that technology into the real world, to enable regular people to enjoy their real life surroundings in complete stereoscopic 3D, complete with 360-degree Dolby Surround Sound™.

Avatar was both an epic story and a technological leap,” said Cameron at the event announcing the collaboration. “While fans watched it for the story, I don’t have any doubt that the amazing and ultra-realistic 3-dimensional rendering of Pandora and its inhabitants contributed to the film’s success,” he continued, referring to the movie’s US$2 billion box office collection worldwide.

“People are definitely warming up to the idea of watching their movies and TV series in 3D,” he said enthusiastically. “And now we’re pushing the boundry even more.

CAMERON: Revolutionising reality itself

“Rather than settle with viewing movies and TV programmes in 3D, we thought, why not expand the viewing pleasure of 3D to the real world, where most people spend their waking hours?”

Cameron explained that, upon wearing the Really-Real-Reality™ 3D glasses (R3D3™), priced at US$499 for the battery-powered model and US$759 for the rechargeable model, wearers would be able to enjoy both 3-dimensional vision and complete, digital surround sound, as they look at their real world surroundings.

“From trees, buildings, objects and even other living things around the wearer, he would be able to see them in complete and ultra real 3D, just like in Avatar, as if he could reach out and touch them,” said Cameron. “I personally tried it on during testing, I was blown away. I saw a real car zooming towards me when I was crossing the intersection, and seeing it in 3D, I instinctly avoided it, as if it was really going to hit me! I couldn’t believe that our technology could produce something like this, a simple device that brings the realness of my movie, to reality. These things are amazing!”

Cameron, however, cautioned that the first experience wearing the R3D3 glasses could be difficult for some people.

“As with any new device or technology that alters human perception and connection with reality, the R3D3 glasses may cause nausea for certain people, expecially those with a pre-existing travel-sickness condition. In some cases, the wearer may not experience the 3D perception in their real surrounding, but would only percieve 2D, or even 1D.

“However, tests have found that the unpleasant experience is only temporary. In a couple of days, customers with those difficuties would be able to enjoy their real surrounding in complete 3D. But nevertheless, we’ve set up a team of support staff and a Hotline email, www.R3D3experience.com,  to cater to these teething and adaptation issues,” said Cameron confidently.

“Get ready to really experience the real world!”


Filed under Science & Technology, Showbiz, World News

Scientists say everything online is true

THE INTERNET: Confirmed as 100% factually correct

FRANKFURT — A group of scientists from various universities in Europe has announced today that everything ever written, posted or uploaded on the internet is one hundred per cent true.

Speaking at a Press conference, University of West Frankfurt head of research Professor Eli Lansing said that the group of 30 scientists, specialising in communications, criminology, psychology, new media technology, physics and several other mildly related disciplines, had completed their exhaustive 8-year study on the contents found on the world wide web last February.

“Frankly we were quite surprised at the results,” said Prof Lansing, as his colleagues nodded in agreement. “Initially when we were commissioned to delve into the extremely vast universe that is cyberspace to find out the level of truthfulness in its contents, our mutual hypothesis was that most of the stuff written online were utter lies, or at least true stories generously embellished with inaccuracies and exaggeration.

PROF LANSING: Advocates trusting the net completely

“But after concluding our study, comprising interviews with online participants, excruciatingly complex supercomputer algorithms and detailed counterchecks with the world’s historical records and libraries, we found that virtually — nay, absolutely — all facts contained on the internet are indeed, true,” said Prof Lansing, matter-of-factly.

“Collectively, we are now advocating accepting everything there is on the net to be undeniable facts,” he continued. “We implore everyone on the planet to abandon and disregard all offline information such as reference journals, encyclopaedias and other such fictitious records, and get your stories online, where no one lies.

“In fact, we won’t be publishing our results in the conventional scientific journals, which everyone knows contain numerous errors and illogical assumptions. We will only publish our findings purely online, specifically, on our newly registered blog, www.theinternetisthetruth.blogspot.com. We want to only tell the truth, and online’s the only way for people to know that we’re not being dishonest.

“We urge everyone to no longer waste any time and effort to check the validity of any hearsay, rumour or story that is found online, because if it is from the net, then it’s naturally the truth,” said Prof Lansing. “Why bother cross-checking with other sources or grow suspicious? When science has proven beyond any reasonable doubt that no one can lie online?

“So, the next time you get a spam mail saying that you’ve inherited 32 billion dollars from a dead banker’s widow in Zimbabwe, you’d better respond immediately or risk losing the money. Imagine your life changing for the better as a billionaire! Or the next time you get a preachy chain email saying that if you don’t forward it to ten people, you’d suffer great misfortune, you’d better hit that forward button quick. Wouldn’t want to die horribly or go bankrupt simply because you’re too suspicious of well-meaning emails. Nobody wants to hurt anyone online, it’s completely safe.

“In fact, we hereby declare the term ‘internet hoax’ non-existent, as the very term is a fallacy. There is no such thing as untrue online content.


Filed under Science & Technology, World News

Asia’s Biggest Loser loses rest of body weight, disappears into thin air

JAKARTA — Indonesian David Gurnani, 25, who last week took home US$100,000 and a car after shedding more than half his bodyweight, from 157kg to merely 74kg, in the first Asian version of popular weight-loss reality show Biggest Loser, has completely disappeared from the face of the planet after continuing with his diet and workout routine, finally losing the other half.

ULTIMATE LOSER ASIA: David Gurnani before the show, at the finale and now

Speaking from his family home, Gurnani’s weightless spirit said that winning the show inspired him to continue his maniacal quest to lose weight, which he started at the beginning on the show late last year.

“Winning the show was initially my goal,” said Gurnani, warmly referred to as ‘King David’ on the show, as his invisible aura floated above the sofa in the living room. “But after losing so much of my body weight and fat right before the finale, I discovered a new, more confident me. The 100 grand wasn’t the point anymore, nor was the car. The point was the weight loss. I realised I could shed as much weight as I wanted, and it was then that I wanted to go all the way.

Reducing his already spartan daily intake of water, air and one raisin, Gurnani decided to cut the water and raisin, after learning each raisin had 2 calories and water retention could impair his weight loss plans.

“In the beginning, it was hard,” Gurnani admitted. “After my weight dropped to 5kg, I could not even lift what was left of my finger. I could feel the weight of my bones and skin holding me down.

“But after thinking about my ultimate goal, which is to be weight-free, I somehow garnered this amazing strength to move about and continue with my routine,” he said, adding that the largest organ on a human body was the skin, and for him, most problematic to shed.

“Having achieved zero-fat and zero-muscle mass content, I was left with my skin, whose weight I thought would be impossible to lose,” said the now ethereal being softly, as he struggled to keep steady what with the ceiling fan being on at half speed. “However, I discovered an ingenius way to shed it — by baking myself in the hot sun. After a full day, my skin became so flaky and dusty, it literally broke apart and fell off!” said Gurnani gleefully, his laughter freakishly echoing around the room.

“And then there was my skeleton,” he continued, voice cracking. “I thought, now, if I were to wait until my skeleton vanishes, it would take forever. I couldn’t wait that long — I mean, look at the ice man remains and the Egyptian mummies!

“So I was left with two choices: either I self destruct by cremating whatever’s left of my body, or I eat myself into oblivion. Seeing that cremating still leaves ashes behind, which still weighs a few grammes, I decided on the latter.

“After consuming my own bones from my toes to the very tip of my skull, I finally became absolutely nothing. I am now zero weight.”

Asked how life has changed after achieving his ultimate goal, Gurnani said that he has now transcended into a whole new level of being.

“I have no physical limits, really. Having removed physicality from the equation, I am pure energy. A zero-fat, zero-weight energy. If light had weight, I wouldn’t have a problem either, as I am now also completely invisible,” he explained, soaring across the room freely.

“Having realised my ultimate dream, I feel no more pressure. I have absolutely nothing more to lose. I feel as if this burden has been lifted off my shoulders.

“That is, if I had shoulders,” he ended the interview, laughing happily.


Filed under Features, Lifestyle, Showbiz

MACC teams up with McD to speed up investigations

FAST & FURIOUS: The fearsome MaccDonald's

KUALA LUMPUR — Amid calls to speed up investigations, the Malaysian Anti Corruption Commission (MACC) has announced that it was forming a joint venture with global franchise McDonald’s, in hopes that it could adopt the fast-food restaurant’s record speedy delivery model. The new, rebranded and streamlined investigation venture, set up to tackle high profile cases, will be referred to as MaccDonald’s™.

In a Press conference held at the commission’s headquarters in Putrajaya earlier today, MACC Chief Commissioner Y. Bhg. Dato’ Haji Abu Kassim bin Mohamed said that this move was necessary, seeing the rise in high profile cases and the heightening public scrutiny.

“We realised the importance of not only solving corruption cases, but to do it in a timely fashion,” said Abu Kassim. “Ever since our bureau days, we’ve always placed speed and accuracy as equal priorities when it comes to putting an end to corruption, but now the need is even more dire. With more and more high profile cases cropping up, people expect more from us, and it is understandable. And that is why we’re forming this alliance with McDonald’s to streamline our processes and get results faster.”

McDonald’s Malaysia managing director Sarah Casanova said that the company is proud to partner with an organisation such as the MACC. “Our mission has always been to provide our customers with wholesome, healthy and clean dining experience. And nothing says ‘clean’ better than an anti-corruption commission.

“Throughout the years, McDonald’s has perfected the art and science of delivery to ensure that our customers get their nutritious and delicious meals as fast as possible, from the time they order,” she added. “With this new partnership with MACC, we’ll be imparting our experience and knowledge to the corruption-busting industry. We consider this our civic duty, and are very proud to be part of this initiative. Kudos to the good people at MACC.”

ABU KASSIM: We aim to deliver justice fast

Abu Kassim said that initially, the new crack fast-investigation unit will be based in Putrajaya, dealing with cases in the federal territories. “We’ll begin with cases with national interest, such as bribery allegations against senior government officers, GLC personalities or politicians. We aim to clear the backlog of federal cases before we expand into other states. Of course, with the new fast-investigation system in place, I believe we’ll be able to clear or convict people within days, and not months or years as some cases go now.”

Abu Kassim said that if this venture goes well, the MaccDonald’s units, or ‘MaccD™’, will not only be set up in other MACC branches, but also would handle smaller cases, such as bribery cases involving lower-ranked officers.

“Bribery and corruption is wrong, whether the value is billions of ringgit, or just the RM50 you pay to get out of a traffic offence trouble,” said Abu Kassim, sternly. “Corruption and dishonesty is the root cause of the downfall of civillisations. We at MACC — and the MaccD — take every case seriously.”

GOOD, CLEAN FUN: Ronald MaccDonald

Among the new services planned for the MaccD unit include a 24-hour drive-through corruption reporting window at all McDonald’s outlets. “We’re making it easier for people to report instances of corruption,” said Abu Kassim, as Ronald McDonald, McDonald’s mascot clown, ‘arrested’ the Hamburglar, another mascot, for trying to ‘bribe’ him with a delicious double cheeseburger, amid laughter and applause from the amused audience.

“Every report that results in an arrest and conviction will also be rewarded special coupons, valid for a whole year,” said Abu Kassim. “The coupon value will depend of the value of the corruption, of course, and can be redeemed with any of MaccDonald’s special edition MaccValue Meals™,” he added as he bit into a Big Macc. “Wow, busting corruption is SO yummy!”

Abu Kassim also said that he aims to begin the MaccDelivery service by next year, which promises to investigate, prosecute and convict wrongdoers within 30 minutes. “If we’re late, you’ll get your money back, guaranteed.”


Filed under National News

Ibrahim Ali is Superkasa

KUALA LUMPUR — In a move to boost its powers, the independent-but-BN-friendly Pertubuhan Pribumi Perkasa (Perkasa), an NGO championing bumiputra rights today annouced that its president, Datuk Ibrahim Ali, has been elevated to superhero status, and he will from now on be known throughout the universe as ‘Superkasa’.

FUAD: Superkasa's da man!

Speaking at a Press Conference at its Federal Territory headquarters in Sg. Besi, Perkasa deputy president Datuk Fuad Hassan said that this move was in line with the organisation’s goal of influencing policies in the country and the region.

“Since our inception in September 2008, Perkasa has strived to fight for the rights bumiputras,” said Fuad, as his exco members smiled and nodded in unison. “We have notched quite a few commendable achievements so far, with many memoranda handed out to different people, police reports made against those ungrateful fools who dared to speak in disrespect to the pribumis, and several high-profile pickets and demonstrations in front of embassies to show our dissatisfaction. Very big and impressive displays, I must say.

“But all our efforts pale in comparison to what our Great President, Datuk Ibrahim Ali, has achieved just by being himself.

“His super-supreme leadership, far-sightedness, global vision and not to mention his charming and infectious personality has elevated Perkasa from a small NGO to a national force, nay, a universal force,” he added.

“He da man.”

Fuad then elaborated by listing down Ibrahim’s many positive attributes, from his soul-penetrating gaze to his rib-tickling guffaw.

“But the best — and most important — thing about our Great President, is that he is intelligent beyond reproach. A sheer genius. His smarts simply blows us away. He could sneeze and we’d be left paralysed in awe of his profoundness.

“So, we have decided to accord him with a status befitting a super-man like him. He is now… Superkasa!” proclaimed Fuad loudly, as technicians dimmed the room lights, replacing them with multi-coloured spotlights focused on one corner. There, as a traditional Gamelan group enthusiastically played the theme song from Superman, a shrouded figure emerged amid the dry ice smoke, shocking all those present. As the smoke cleared, the figure removed his robe, revealing a superheroisque, muscular and utterly incredible Ibrahim, smiling majestically.

MAJESTIC: Superkasa with his Keris Kebenaran

“I… AM… SUPERKASAAAAA!” yelled Ibrahim in a deep but melodious baritone voice, his sexy, ripping muscles causing several female reporters to faint, bodies twitching in ecstasy.

Ibrahim then swaggered to the front of the room to join the other exco members, making sure to flash his beautiful smile at everyone and flexed his biceps every other step before sitting down.

“Firstly, I must apologise for being too incredible,” said Superkasa, gesturing towards the Perkasa staff reviving the unconscious female journalists. “I understand that my greatness can be overwhelming. Being the supersexy, ultimate Jantan Melayu does have its drawbacks, at least to other people,” he added, his genius sense of humour drawing laughter from all those present.

Fuad continued, “As you can witness, our super President now is even better than before, and he will lead Perkasa into the next century and beyond!”

Moving his left and right chest muscles up and down alternately as he spoke, Ibrahim/Superkasa said, “This is indeed an honour for me. As Ibrahim Ali, even though I was the epitome of greatness, I had my limits. I was a mere human being. A weak homo sapien. With my wits, intelligence and charm, I could only move people.

“But now, I can move mountains!” he proclaimed, as he lifted the heavy oak table in front of him with his two index fingers. He then humbly said that his new superpowers include the ability to shoot killer laser rays from his eyes, the power to stupefy enemies with killer pantun verses, the ability to extract the kind of truths that he wants to hear (with his Keris Kebenaran), and, by putting on and taking off his majestic songkok, the ability to jump political divides with amazing speed.

“I… AM… SUPERKASAAAAAAAAAAAA!” he further exclaimed.

As the audience again got excited with a few more female reporters writhing in uncontrolable pleasure, Superkasa sat down and said, “Calm down, citizens. My powers and greatness is not merely for creating pleasure, but have a serious purpose.

“It is my duty to further the objectives of Perkasa. With my new superpowers, I promise you this: I shall ensure that our goals are met.

“Our enemies shall relent, and give us what we want. We shall get whatever it is we’re looking for, by coaxing or coersion!

“For I… AM… SUUUUPEEERRKAAAASAAAAAAAA!!” exclaimed Ibrahim/Superkasa yet again for the final time, his eyes glowing with hope and fury as he floated over the table, across the room and out the door, to the Gamelan music of The Final Countdown and the audience’s cheers, marking the end of the Press Conference.


Filed under National News

Lion butt guy wishes he was head


DEPENDABLE GUY: Lim (back) lending full support for the head-guy but is never recognised

SIMPANG EMPAT, TAIPING — If there’s one Chinese New Year wish Lim Kee Huat would ask for, it would be to no longer be the butt.

Lim, 36, has been performing in the lion dance troupe since he was out of school. Last weekend was the 17th Chinese New Year in which he and his band of brothers spreaded joy and good wishes to the audience. However, throughout his hardworking and amazing years, despite tireless training sessions and bruising performances, he has only been the backside of the lion. While others in the troupe have moved up, he has stayed pretty much in the same, support position.

“I feel underappreciated, really,” said Lim dejectedly as he sipped Chinese tea at a training break. “All these years, I’ve put in sweat, blood and tears, and nobody in my troupe management seems to notice me. I’m tired of being the backside guy. I want to be in front.”

Lim said that back when he approached his troupe master, Goh Swee Poh, ten years ago to ask if he could finally don the lion head and lead the dance, the 75-year-old man said that he must ‘earn’ the place.

“I accepted it with an open heart,” said Lim. “But after all these years, nothing. We’ve had newer dancers coming in, some fresh out of Lion Dance Academy, and they’ve moved up — or moved front — faster than me. When my Lion head partner left the troupe to open up a restaurant business some time ago, I thought, ‘he’s my chance’. But that spot was quickly filled by that greenhorn Yap there,” said Lim, as he gestured toward a young man sweeping the training centre compound. “I mean, he’s what? 22? Fucker is a baby, and he’s got the head! Blardy hell.”

Lim said that being the Lion hind legs and rump does have its advantages, but it hardly warrants doing it forever.

“Yes, being at the back you don’t have to carry the 20kg Lion head, while working the delicate system to control the Lion’s eye- and mouth-movements. Yes, being in the back you don’t have the pressure of being in the limelight,” he said. “But being a butt guy means you gotta stay strong when the head guy has too much beans and cannot control his wind movement. Being at the back you have to follow only and can’t go where ever you please. And being at the back, you always become the butt of all the jokes!” said Lim agrily, before scolding an apprentice dancer laughing nearby. “Bastards.

LIM: To give his troupe one last chance

“Look, I just want career progression, okay. I’m quite a good-looking guy. I could have become a model, but I chose to do this, out of love for the art. What’s wrong with me being in front hogging the limelight for a change?”

Lim says he’ll give this year one more shot before considering his options.

“I’ll have another talk with Master Goh. If he promises to let me do the head, I’ll stay. If not, I’ll be sending my CV around,” said Lim. “I hear the other Lion Dance troupe across town would probably need a Lion head guy soon, since the current ones thinking of graduating to a Dragon Head.

“Dragon Head. Wow. Now that’s a job.”


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