Tag Archives: parody

Obedient Kids Club demands attention

DISOBEDIENT: This is what the OKC is fighting against

KUALA LUMPUR — As the row over the Obedient Wives Club (OWC) and statements made by its officebearers is simmering, the younger but longer-established Obedient Kids Club (OKC) has today made a statement asking the nation to give some attention to them now.

In a written statement read by its vice-president Khairul Azmi bin Saipul, 9, the OKC said that “they had made obedience ‘in’ long before before the OWC was even conceptualised”, and that it wasn’t a “friggin’ big deal”, referring to the Obedient Wives Club, an organisation allegedly put together by former members of Al-Arqam, a banned religious cult and business entity in Malaysia.

“It’s unbelievable how the country — nay, the world — got so caught up by the Obedient Wives Club and the things they said,” read Khairul. “We the OKC have been advocating obedience and absolute submission to our parents and adults in general for almost 3 decades, and nobody paid attention. Like the OWC, we’ve taken the things we’ve been taught by our elders and written in books, and turned them into a policy, for what we believe would contribute to a harmoneous nuclear family and a healthy society in general. And yet no one stood up and protested vehemently. No one was disgusted, saying that we were ‘reversing a century of progress’ and so on. What gives?”

Khairul added that while the messages that the OKC may not have been as sensational as the ‘better than prostitute’ statement the OWC vice president Dr Rohana Mohamad made, the 50,000-strong membership club does have some spicy things to say, deserving of mention in the papers and television.

“For example, the OKC believes that kids should behave at all times, and not just when there are adults around! Now, how’s that for sensational statement, huh?” he asked the journalists who attended the Press conference at his backyard in Subang Jaya. “And get this — the OKC thinks sticking to the bedtime that parents set for us is every child’s duty! Now that’s simply incendiary, yeah!

“Ooh, yeah, if we want to touch on the super-sensitive topic of S-E-X,” continued Khairul, whispering the letters S, E and X, “then here’s OKC’s principle: we think kids should NOT engage in any sexual activities or even be exposed to it! HAH! That should rile up some children’s rights activists, yes?” he laughed.

“So please, after a week of name-calling, socio-political commentaries and jokes, let’s all just forget those so-called ‘conservative’ OWC,” said Khairul, ending the conference after hearing his mom call his name. “We the Obedient Kids Club are definitely more conservative and less progressive. We make it our goal to curb all kinds of freedom yearned by children around the world, from TV to Playstation, from girl- and boy-friends to questioning whatever our obviously smarter adults say. The media focus should be on us! People should be enraged by this club’s very existence!

“So BBC, NYT, CNN, whoever… gimme a call, ya?” he said, while doing the thumb-and-pinkie ‘phone’ gesture and quickly running back inside after his mom began yelling his name and threatened to ground him.

2 Comments

Filed under National News, World News

American Idol loser Lauren Alaina plots revenge

HOLLYWOOD — American Idol season 10 first runner up Lauren Alaina has announced that she will have her revenge against winner Scott McCleery very soon.

A CHOKE TOO LOOSE: Alaina wished she had finished him off earlier when she had the chance

Speaking right after the finale show, where McCleery took the title after a nationwide vote, Alaina said that ‘the prick will get it, for sure’.

“Yeah, that’s right. ‘Runner Up’. That’s just another word for ‘ Freaking Loser’,” said the 16 year-old, angrily. “Everyone knows that crown’s supposed to be mine, and not that country bum. MINE!

“I mean, come on! I’ve got more talent and charisma in my middle finger than that Elvis impersonator’s whole body. This is a gross miscarriage of justice,” she added, while flipping the said finger to reporters.

“One thing for sure, I ain’t taking this lying down. If that boring butthead thinks he’ll be enjoying his ‘well-deserved’ win, he’s got another thing comin’,” she continued. “It’s not fair, the world knows it, and I’ll make sure he pays for this humiliation. Oh yeah.”

Alaina then proceeded to describe her elaborate scheme.

“The first thing is to start a psych internet warfare. At this very moment, my cybertroopers have begun planting propaganda materials on that skinny bastard on every known site and possible database. My team — Team Alaina! Woohoo! — had spent the last few months collecting all sorts of dirt on each of the Top 12 for this purpose. Now, it’s time to use it. The world will see what kind of an asshole he is,” she said excitedly, before breaking into a loud, shrieky guffaw. “By the time he’s done, that boy will be wishin’ he’s back in his little town, milkin’ cows, y’all.”

Taking out a poster of the 17-year-old McCreery and tearing it in half, Alaina continued, “And if that doesn’t kill him, we’ll deploy our aerial attacks and smart cruise missile assault campaign. My nuclear submarines and aircraft carrier combat fleet are at Defcon-2 level, parked at the coastline waiting for my orders. All it takes is just me giving the go-ahead and that mo-fo’s toast,” she said, snapping her fingers.

“We all know why he so-called ‘won’, right?” asked the teenager from Georgia. “It’s those stupid tweens, that’s why! Dumbass little schoolgirls who couldn’t tell the difference between real talent and flannel-wearing rednecks with Darth Vader’s voice. They’re the ones who made up the majority of the 100 million voters. Parents gave ’em cellphones to call home, and these morons blow their money on voting for prettyboys.

“Not that I’m saying Scott’s pretty. Ew. He looks like my uncle. And I hate my uncle,” she murmured, breathing heavily while slowly shearing McCreery’s torn poster into little pieces with a hunting knife.

“Anyway, ‘Congrats’, Scottie. Enjoy your five minutes of fame. If I were you, I’d check under my car for anything suspicious before I turn on the engine.”

10 Comments

Filed under Showbiz, World News

Justin Bieber KL concert stopped halfway after his voice breaks

A GROWN UP NOW: Bieber performing minutes before his voice changed

Oh I can’t believe I have to do this: NOTE: his piece of ‘news’ is fake. A sick joke. Just like this WHOLE BLOGSITE. Please do NOT belieb– I mean, believe it as true. Thanks.

KUALA LUMPUR — The much anticipated and sold-out concert of uber teeny-bopper Youtube sensation Justin Bieber in Malaysia was unexpectedly cut short after the Canadian singer’s voice finally broke, and he became a man.

Bieber, 17, who was discovered on video-sharing site Youtube in 2008 is known for his high-pitched voice, which betrayed his true age. His songs receive extensive airplay and earning him extraordinary exposure, mostly due to his child-like voice.

“We’re very sorry, especially to all the ‘Beliebers’ out there, and particularly to those who attended the concert, that this had to happen,” said Ng Chong Wan, a representative of the concert organiser SkinnyGirlz Sdn Bhd. “The timing could have been better, of course but really, you can’t help it if mother nature decided to turn you from a little boy into a mature man while you’re on stage, performing in front of 15,000 screaming fans. I mean, this caught us off guard too.”

The blonde-haired heartthrob had gone through about 45 minutes of his two-hour scheduled performance when all of a sudden, in the middle of performing his hit single Somebody To Love, he began coughing lightly before choking for a bit, and continued singing in a deep, almost Darth Vader-like voice, much to the chagrin of the stunned audience. The music stopped as the crowd stood in silence, and Mr Bieber was quietly escorted backstage before organisers announced the end of the concert and ushered the audience out. Teenage girls were crying and wailing uncontrollably.

“It was horrible,” said Sarah Yen, 13, who came with her two sisters and mother to catch her idol. “At first I didn’t believe it, but when they told us that Justin was ‘sick’ and couldn’t continue the show, I felt like dying.

“He’s finally grown up! The moment that we’ve all been dreading all these while, arrived without mercy. Justin is now a man. A grown up! What do I do now?” she asked, in between teary sobs, hugging her visibly upset mother.

“It’s both historic and sad, I guess,” said Henry Yap, 21, who bought two tickets to the concert as a birthday present for his girlfriend. “I’m happy to see that the boy can finally act — and sound — his age, it’s something that all guys are supposed to go through, but I’m kind of sad to see his career as a child star cut short like this. Especially in front of so many people.”

Ng, meanwhile, refused to comment whether this voice cracking meant the end of Bieber’s amazing rise from a small-town Youtube star to an international megastar worth an estimated US$100 million.

“Look, we’re just the organisers, you’ll need to ask his label or his management about that. We’ve got enough to worry about — people are going to ask if we’re going to refund half the money, since Justin only performed half a concert. Understandably we’ll have to refer to our legal people. These are not exactly ordinary circumstances.

“Whatever it is, we’ll continue to support Justin Bieber’s career where ever this ‘new development’ takes him. Acting? We’ll promote him. Modelling? He’s still very cute, although not for long, considering that he’ll be growning more facial hair now that he’s a proper man.

“Even if he’ll have to appeal to a more mature market after this, we’ll be more than happy to bring him back to KL. Even tenors and baritones have fans in Malaysia.”

30 Comments

Filed under National News, Showbiz, World News

Humans glad to be back to ramming Earth’s behind

LOOKING GOOD: Humanity's effort to fuck up the planet looks promising

ALL OVER THE PLANET– Almost a week has passed since the Earth Hour ended, and humans around the world breathed a sigh of relief as they were free to fuck the world’s environment once again.

“OMG, I’m glad that hour’s over,” said Michael Johnson, 47, a vice president of an manufacturing firm based in the US. “It was such a pain in the ass refraining from doing anything destructive and selfish during that stupid hour. But now that we’re all back to normal, I’m happy to be spending energy needlessly, throwing away household waste indiscriminately and generally being a prick with the planet,” he continued, while adding that his chemical and manufacturing plants will be stepping up its factory operations in Asia and Africa despite slow demand for their products, simply to spend as much energy as possible and release as much pollutants into the air and water as they can.

Kim Jong Moon, 56, a businessman in South Korea shared the same sentiment. “I know we were only supposed to observe Earth Hour by turning off non-essential lights and also unplug unnecessary electrical items, but my friends and I decided to go a little further by cutting our water and gas usage for the entire hour, you know, to make a bigger impact for our beloved planet.

“But now that the hour’s over, we can all go back to fucking the planet in its behind without guilt,” he continued, as he switched on all the available lights, electrical equipments, the engines of his gas-guzzling hot rods and pushed his apartment heater to max temperature.

Earth Hour was celebrated on March 26 between 8.30pm to 9.30pm as a symbol of energy conservation, as part of a global movement to save the planet from destruction caused by the overconsumerism of its resources. Participants observing the event, from individuals to corporations and governments, switched off non-essential lights and equipment for the hour.

“Seriously, it was like abstaining on your wedding night,” Kim continued, straining his voice trying to speak over the sound of all the faucets in the apartment turned on at full blast. “It was a real bitch trying to make Earth happy, we had to sacrifice so much to make  Earth Hour work. Fortunately this stupid thing’s only an hour a year. I’d be going nuts if some smartass decides to turn it into Earth Day, Earth Week or whatever. Fuck that.

“In fact, the guys and I are heading up to the park later to make a giant bonfire just to make up for whatever positive impact the hour had achieved. We’re burning wood and whatever garbage we find around there. I personally hope to find some old tyres — they make the blackest smoke,” he said, giggling. “And all my facebook friends around the world are doing the same. It’s heartwarming to see a global movement to finish off the planet in a concerted effort.”

Another human in Germany, who wanted to be known only as Sarah K, 34, said that it was every human’s civic duty to be themselves and help Earth continue the downward spiral towards imminent doom. “During Earth Hour, I personally stopped burning shit into the air, you know? I even refrained from buying some illegally poached elephant tusk-ornament for my living room. It was just painful to see it online but not buy it.

“But now that that nonsense hour has passed, I advocate my fellow humans around the world, all 7 billion of us, to go back to being the selfish assholes we’ve been the rest of the year. Spend energy and all the resources like they aint’ never gonna deplete — after all, Earth is a big-ass planet. There’s more than enough to go around. In fact, I’m getting the tusk AND an endangered tiger penis. I hear it’s good for health. Checkout counter girl asks me ‘Paper or plastic’ at the supermarket? Give me paper AND plastic! And triple-bag it, biotch!

“Hell, nobody lives forever, man,” she continued as she poured spent cooking oil down the sink. “So the world will be a mass heap of crap in two or three decades? That’s the next generation’s problem.

“My kids have been having an easy life anyway, spoilt by the Xbox, Wii and other crap. Might as well give them a bit of challenge.”

4 Comments

Filed under Uncategorized, World News

Psychic predicts next year will be 2011

KUALA LUMPUR — A well-respected fortune teller has announced recently that she predicts next year will be 2011.

MADAM GRACE: Psychic with 100% accuracy

Madam Grace, who last month successfully predicted the results of the 2010 World Cup with 100 percent accuracy, told reporters that she had a vision two nights ago, where an apparition resembling her deceased great great grand-auntie, another well-known soothsayer back in her days, told her that there was an ‘almost absolute likelihood’ that the year 2011 will commence, as soon as this year, 2010, ends.

“It was quite clear in my vision,” said the chain-smoking psychic at the Press conference held at her mansion in Bukit Damanasara, explaining her epiphany. “My great great grand auntie, the greatest clairvoyant the world has ever seen, told me that not only will 2011 fall next year, but she was very explicit about the date — it will happen on January 1, at the stroke of midnight, local time,” much to the amazement of those present.

The famous but reclusive ‘futurist’, as she likes to call herself, revealed that contrary to some longheld beliefs, 2011 will not begin in three year’s time, but instead will arrive much sooner than most expect.

“Believe me when I say, prepare thyselves! The New Year will be upon us in merely weeks, so it would be prudent to start making arrangements for its arrival,” she said sternly as the seasoned journalists stayed transfixed, in awe of her profoundness. “Close your accounts, prepare new ones. Buy your children’s new school supplies, for the new year’s schooldays will begin.

“And for God’s sake, get new daily planners.”

Madam Grace, who famously predicted most of the global events merely days or sometimes years after they happened, including the economic downturn, the 2008 general elections and the demise of Michael Jackson, warned that those who take her predictions lightly will pay the price.

“Heed my call, I urge you! Like my great great grand auntie, I have been chosen by the powers that be to be able to see the future! Remember the Titanic tragedy? My great great grand auntie forsaw it and warned everyone two full weeks after the great ship sunk! Two weeks! Did anyone listen? No! Hence, the horrific and utterly avoidable loss of lives,” related the celebrated psychic, whose clients include political strategists, economic analysts and sports betting practitioners who rely on her tarrot card, tea leaf and rune-reading capabilities, in addition to her magical visions.

“So I urge you, Malaysians, to make the necessary preparations, for there are many events to come. 2010 will be drawing to a close, but not before another life-changing event happens: I predict that Christmas Day will fall on December 25 — exactly SIX DAYS before 2011 arrives! Do you see the significance?” she asked excitedly, as the reporters try to decipher the tarrot cards she nonchalantly arranged on the table.

As everyone present struggled to come to terms with her startling revelation, Madam Grace continued with yet another bombshell, “Here’s something to ponder: I predict, on my great great grand auntie’s grave, that 2011 will NOT be a leap year, and there will be precisely 365 days before the year ends!”

Asked what next year — this mysterious ‘2011’ — brings for all, Madam Grace, thankfully, gave a positive outlook.

“Malaysia will experience a positive and healthy economic growth, provided that the economy does not experience a downturn,” she said, matter-of-factly. “I believe each one of us will find love, but only IF we have not already found it or love is not there for us to find. And life, in general, will continue throughout the year — but only on one condition: if we do not die within the year.”

7 Comments

Filed under National News

Assholes form association

KUALA LUMPUR — Assholes around the nation now have a place to call home as a group of die-hard assholes successfully registered ANUS, or Assholes National United Society, with the Registrar of Societies today.

“It is truly an historic day for assholes, no matter where,” said Mr Karim Karman, also known as Hensemboy, the group’s spokesperson and co-founding member, in a Press conference attended by representatives from asshole communities throughout Malaysia. “For too long, assholes have been unfairly discriminated against, simply because we’re inconsiderate bastards who only care about ourselves. For far too long, assholes have been the subject of countless jeers and insults, a wholly unfair treatment set upon us, based only on the fact that we’re socially retarded and unable to think about the feelings of other people. Well, today the discrimination stops!

“Do you think it’s fair that we’re treated so badly by the goodie-too-shoes of society simply for our bad treatment of others?” asked Karim, as the rowdy and utterly rude crowd responded with a resounding ‘No, asshole!’. “Is it right to treat us assholes like crap just because we think we’re God’s gift to humanity and the others are scumbags unworthy of attention?

“And is it just to disrespect us, just because we disrespect everyone else?” asked the sales manager known to his colleagues as an overconfident prick, as the audience of more than 100 assholes gave a standing ovation.

“Now, there is a body to champion our rights,” said Karim. “ANUS will make sure that each one of us can behave like complete assholes anywhere and anytime, without the need to apologise. We can be rude, disgusting, disrespectful, crass, self-absorbed, high-handed, big-headed and filled with hot air — all with pride.”

Another ANUS founding member, Jessica Lim, added that the association was not only created to protect the right of assholes, but also to provide support for its members.

“It’s not easy being an asshole,” said Lim, who runs a beauty salon in PJ. “You don’t make or keep many friends when you tell it as it is. When a customer comes into my shop and she’s too ugly for me to fix, I tell her and she gets angry. How like that?

“Even my family is like that. So blardy sensitive. My sister stopped talking to me when I told her her husband is an asshole. I mean, I would take it as a compliment, coming from another asshole. But no, she gets all upset, screaming and kicking, calling me names. It really hurt, coming from your own family.

“So it gets a little bit lonely sometimes, with everybody staying away. It sucks. So now, we assholes can find company in each other within this ass-ociation!” said Lim snickering, unable to hide her assholic glee at the pun.

Karim said that while the registration with the ROI had him listed as pro-tem president and the exco made up of the forming committee, the first thing he would do would be to hold an exco election.

“It’s not a very assholic thing to do, I admit,” he said, matter-of-factly. “The correct way, if I want to be a complete asshole about it, is to not only hold on to this position, but to consolodate my powers like a power-crazy bastard, abuse all democratic processes just to line my own pocket, and overstay my welcome for as long as I can. But this association is more important than my own assholic interests. I can’t let my pride and selfishness kill the group before it even began, now, can I?”

Lim added that unlike many other associations, parties and organisations, ANUS is probably the most equal-opportunity entity to have been created.

“Think about it. We’re not based on colour, sex, age, nationality, political inclination or whatever. You just have to be an asshole to be eligible for membership,” she said. “And the great thing about assholes is this: everybody’s got one.”

7 Comments

Filed under National News, World News

Worms reject proverb on early bird

OXFORD — Representatives of worms worldwide have submitted a memorandom to the English Language Centre at Oxford University today, demanding a ‘long-overdue” retraction of the popular old saying, ‘The early bird catches the worm’.

WORMS: Demand better representation in proverb

Reading from a 52-page statement outlining the worm community’s protest, lawyer Michael Uckers said that the proverb, first recorded in John Ray’s A collection of English proverbs in 1678, is a “gross discriminatory expression against the worm species”.

“The worm communities and subspecies around the globe fully reject this insensitive proverb, obviously coined by some ignorant scoleciphobic (those with fear of worms) back in the 17th century,” said Uckers at a Press conference held on university grounds.

“The proverb is an unfair representation of the worm-bird symbiotic relationship, and only serves to advocate hostility between the two species. The worms protest the apparent clarion call for birds to ‘get up early’ and mercilessly hunt for worms, who are basically peace-loving creatures trying to make a living.

“Worms generally, other than the parasitic types found in human and animal guts and fruits, are non-violent invertebrates who don’t bother anyone. For example, the earthworms live underground, mind their own business and in fact, help to make the soil fertile for plants and crops. So the worm community, from earthworms to seaworms, demand that the saying is removed from the English proverb libraries, or at least is modified to present a fairer view of worms.

“What more considering how worms play a big part in preserving the delicate balance of the ecosystem.”

Uckers continued his argument that while the proverb’s purpose was well-intentioned, which was telling humans to get up early to sieze every opportunity during the day, the positive message was only relevant if the reader identified themselves with the bird.

VICTIMISED: The proverb promotes violence against worms

“Sure, the early bird catches the worm. Good for the early bird. But what about the early worm? It doesn’t make much sense to get up early now, does it?” asked Uckers. “This proverb basically says, if you’re a worm, it’s suicide to get out early in the morning. We believe the saying is the main reason for the apparent lack of drive and the decline of hardworking spirit in the young worms nowadays. As everyone knows, worm teens are sleeping in longer, and are adverse to toiling in the garden. In fact, they prefer to spend their whole day indoors in the burrows, wasting their waking hours on X-box, Wii and Facebook games.

“The proverb is the very core reason to the decay of morals and values in the worm community. So before the effects become irreversible, the problem must be arrested.”

Uckers said that the linguists in the worm community have proposed several alternatives which would be fairer to both bird and worm.

“For example, ‘The early bird and worm get their food’. There’s no hostile element in that line, which basically advocates the same positive value. No worms are presented as victims, and no birds are told to take the violent route to line their stomachs. Everybody wins.”

3 Comments

Filed under World News

Galas men disappointed Jessica Alba not contesting by-election

GALAS — As the campaigning heated up between Barisan Nasional (BN) and Pakatan Rakyat’s PAS in the state constituency of Galas, Kelantan, a group of men in the area have voiced their disappointment that Jessica Alba was not nominated to contest by either political party.

SYMBOL OF HOPE: Jessica Alba

Sounding sour and dejected, petty trader Hashim Mahmud, 47, said that he was expecting the sizzling hot actress to be fielded in the by-election, to be held on Nov 4.

“Unbelievable. My fellow men and I were really hoping Jessica Alba would contest to be our representative, but apparently the top leaderships of both political divides don’t really listen to us in the grassroots,” said Hashim, as he sipped his kopi-O (kurang manis) at Mek Yah’s coffee stall near town centre. “We had petitioned to both Barisan and Pakatan to put Miss Alba to the forefront, and that we’d all vote for her … but I guess neither side really wants to win.”

“Yeah, I would vote for her in a heartbeat,” said taxi driver Nik Sulaiman Nik Sani, 32, munching on Mek Yah’s delicious currypuff at the next  table. “I mean, I have this deep belief that she would stand by the rights and fight for the welfare of every Galas citizen if she gets elected. Her flawless tan, goddess-like figure and enchanting eyes just tell me that Galas would benefit greatly from this point onwards, and that development would flow in, like her beautiful golden mane. I would vote for her twice if I could. Five times!”

The BN named Gua Musang Umno division secretary Abdul Aziz Yusof as its candidate for the Galas state seat, while PAS is fielding Dr Zulkefli Mohamad in a straight fight by-election, after the death of the incumbent from PAS, Chek Hashim Sulaima, 46, on Sept 27.

“Jessica Alba is the personification of true beauty,” added retiree Lim Chang Man, 66, as he smiled misty-eyed. “She is absolutely and undoubtedly the most gorgeous human being in the world. No, in the universe. Her talent, as showcased in such critically acclaimed masterpieces like Fantastic Four and Sin City is proof that she is the perfect person to represent the residents of Galas.

INVISIBLE BEAUTY: Jessica Alba as Sue Storm in Fantastic Four

“I mean, even when she was Invisible Woman, her inner light still shone brightly, like a beacon of hope for the people. I am so upset she is will not be showing her sexy curves here, campaigning for our votes. Both parties have failed us.”

The 29-year-old California native was said to be the number one choice as candidate for the Galas men, beating the likes of Scarlett Johanssen, Katy Perry and Helen Mirren.

“The rest of them can never come close!” said Hashim, angrily banging his fist on the table, much to the annoyance of Mek Yah, glaring nearby. “Scarlett is hot, but she’s got this air about her, as if she’s above us the regular folks. Helen Mirren’s a bit too senior to understand some of the concerns of the younger voters such as myself, and Katy Perry? Please. While she looks stunning in those candy-coloured rubber mini-dresses, her husband Russel Brand is a liability. He looks like a drug addict! Would you want that kind of negative influence entering your community? Not me!”

The group said that they were considering boycotting the by-election, seeing how visually unstimulating the candidates are.

The men admitted, however, that they still hope that there would be some sort of last minute intervention from any higher powers, which would bring Jessica Alba to Galas.

“Who knows,” said Nik Sulaiman, staring blankly at a picture of the superstar, which he carries with him anywhere he goes. “Maybe somebody up there will see the wisdom of making her our assemblyman. Obviously she’s perfect for the job.

“But obviously many political leaders don’t listen.”

3 Comments

Filed under National News

Shah Alam school keen on signing Rooney

ROONEY: Reportedly in talks with Cikgu Johan

SEKSYEN 19, SHAH ALAM — A primary school in Shah Alam, Selangor has expressed interest in signing Manchester United star Wayne Rooney for their 2011 inter-school football campaign. Announcing the grand intention at a Press Conference today, Sekolah Rendah Agama (Integrasi) Seksyen 19 football coach cum Guru Sukan (Evening Session) Cikgu Johan Johari, 32, said that the school is currently negotiating with the English player’s agents to bring him in before the new school session begins in January.

“We have actually been considering signing Mr Rooney since the middle of last year,” said Cikgu Johan. “But there was always some sort of issue that cropped up, like lack of funding and immigration issues. Plus, at the time, Mr Rooney wasn’t really interested in leaving MU. Now that he’s announced his departure from the Red Devils, he’s certainly welcomed here in Skuad Harimau Kecil,” added Cikgu Johan, referring to the school team’s nickname.

Cikgu Johan said that the £20 million Premier League striker would be a natural addition to the team. “We welcome him with open arms, despite all the personal issues that have plagued him recently. For us at the school, we believe in second chances, and we look at him as a footballer first, and celebrity second. We think his playing style fits our team best, where attack forms the backbone of our strategy, coupled with a strong defence and flexible middle players.

“He’s quite talented,” said Cikgu Johan, matter-of-factly. “Almost as good as I was when I was younger back in college, I might add.

SRA(I) SEKSYEN 19: May be future home for Rooney

“So he’ll fit in quite effortlessly in our team. We’ve had a vacancy in our striker position after our previous attacker Kamil Yaakob graduated Year 6 and took his talent to MCKK last year, so his timing to leave MU is perfect.”

“Mr Rooney would find himself really at home here in Seksyen 19,” he added warmly. “The people here are really friendly, houses are quite cheap and good food is aplenty. For example, my house up in Jalan Landak is just a short walking distance to where the Nasi Lemak Ayam Rempah stall is.. And there are two 7-Elevens in the vicinity, not to mention clinics, polyclinics and 24-hour mamak shops. It’s paradise. In fact, I believe his home maker wife Colleen would find Shah Alam a very condusive place to start a family, what with caring neighbours and a close-knit community.”

Cikgu Johan said that the school was prepared to pay the multi-million ringgit cost to get hold of the football star, currently spokesperson for a multitude of international brands and reportedly earns more than £100,000 a week in wages and sponsorship deals.

“We had anticipated the cost, really. We are quite prepared to spend the necessary amount to get talent. We have quite a healthy bank account, thanks to our many activities the past couple of years, like Open Day, Hari Bendera and the PIBG Charity Dinner,” said Cikgu Johan confidently.

The teacher however said that if Rooney decides to come over, it would not be a walk in the park for the star.

“Look, we want to pay him money to help us win games and the championship,” said Cikgu Johan. “It’s not going to be a holiday. We train very hard, three times a week in the evenings, so he would have to step it up. He may be a star but here, Mr Rooney would have to prove to me and his team mates his worth.

“I’ll start him in easy games first, to expose him slowly to the high standards here. If he shows that he can be as good as my boys, he can slowly he can climb his way up and start in important games, like the one with Sekolah Menengah Seapark in July. If he shows me that he can really play, I’ll include him in our championship matches later in the year.

“But opportunities don’t come easily. If he’s worthy, he can go far.”

11 Comments

Filed under Sports, World News

The Devil denies wearing Prada

DEPTHS OF HELL — The Devil today issued an official denial that he wears any item made by luxury brand, Prada, as implied in the book “The Devil Wears Prada” and movie of the same name.

In a strongly-worded denial made at a Press conference, the Prince of Doom said that he was disturbed that the writers of the fictional story misrepresented him, hurting his already somewhat negative public image.

THE DEVIL: Sensible fashion sense

“I’ll have everyone know that I’m a pretty sensible and practical guy,” said the Lord of Darkness, referring to his fashion sense and shopping principles. “Where do I go to get my clothes? Not high street, for sure. Prada, Gucci and all that are a tad too flashy for me. I’m a Reject Shop and FOS kind of fellow. The max I’d go for would be Marks & Spencer, and I keep that kind of frivilous spending to a minimum of once every couple of months.

“You can check my wardrobe if you want.”

The Devil, who goes by many different names including Lucifer, El Diablo, Satan, Beelzebub, Iblis, Mammon and Suzanne, said that he was dismayed at the lack of respect for his image painstakingly built since he fell from God’s grace.

“I consider myself a pretty consistent fella,” he said. “I may be evil, damned and all, but one thing I’ve never been is flashy and frivilous. I’ve always had this understated style which I began developing a long time ago.

“Besides, being damned and falling from grace don’t get you up high in the priority list when considering budgets. The good guys always get the biggest cut of the pie, and folks like me have to make do with what little leftover pittance we get from HQ. So I can’t exactly afford paying four figures just for a shirt.”

The Devil also added that being in hell affects his choices when it comes to attires.

“Look, I work in a less-than-hospitable environment,” he said, in reference to the fire and brimstone-laden pits filled with decaying souls of the damned. “So for me, it’s not so important to have bling-blings and snazzy designs as opposed to having good heat resistant materials wrapping my body. The ‘breathable fabric developed by Nike last year was pretty good, but it went up in flames the moment I stepped out of my door to get to work.

“That was an embarrassing moment, being naked and all.”

Asked why he didn’t bring this up earlier, when the book was released or the movie, starring Anne Hathaway and Meryl Streep, was released in 2004, the Devil responded that he didn’t mind, until he saw someone’s Facebook update saying that “if the Devil wears Prada, then I wanna be in Hell too!”.

“That was it for me,” said Lucifer, sadly. “I didn’t mind some humans having fun with my name and using some creative license in their fictional work. But when people start believing that life’s all good in Hell, that it’s just a big party with everyone in branded clothes, I had to say ‘Enough!’ It’s a gross misrepresentation of reality, and I take great offence in it!” he said, pounding his flaming fist against a brimstone wall.

“But don’t get me wrong,” he added. “I loved Meryl Streep in the movie, and if I were to appear in a female human form, she’d be a great role model.

“I just don’t agree with her fashion sense.”

3 Comments

Filed under Lifestyle, Showbiz, World News