ONTARIO — For Andrea Jones, 35, her oily face had always been a problem. Ever since she hit puberty at ten, she’s always been the butt of jokes and taunts from family members, friends and colleagues. Now however, her overactive oil glands are proving to be a blessing as she received news that she has been accepted in the prestigious Organisation of Petroleum Exporting Countries (OPEC). The 12-member coalition, whose membership includes Angola, Iran, Kuwait, United Arab Emirates, Venezuela and Saudi Arabia, sent their offer to join to Miss Jones this week after carefully studying her oil-producing capabilities.
“Oh my god, this is an absolute dream come true,” shrieked Jones when contacted. “I’ve been trying to get rid of this oil on my face, with numerous types of mattifying moisturisers, oil blotters, medicated wet wipes and lotions, all to no avail. I clean my face in the morning and by lunchtime, I was dripping with oil. It has been such a pain!
“But now, look at me. I’m standing shoulder-to-shoulder with Qatar, yo!” she beamed, her face reflecting the ceiling light and partially blinding those present.
Showing the offer letter signed by OPEC secretary general, His Excellency Abdalla Salem El-Badri, Jones said that she was initially skeptical that a regular person like her could join such an esteemed global body.
“I mean, I thought, who am I to be compared to countries like Venezuela, who produces 2 million barrels of crude oil per day? I was barely pushing a pint per day. I didn’t think I was worthy of the honour,” admitted Jones. “But since the OPEC members have, as Mr El-Badri put it, ‘unanimously agreed’, I couldn’t say no.”
Jones says that instead of avoiding oily food as she had been trying to do the last few years, she will now eat only greasy fares.
“The oilier, the better!” she exclaimed. “Now, I typically start my day with a bucket of golden brown deep fried chicken, dipped in saturated fat, for breakfast. For lunch and dinner, I alternate between fried fish and beef jerky, all dripping grease. Yum-my! As for snacks, I now only take palm oil kernel, dipped in salsa, you know, to keep my body balanced.
“OPEC was pretty clear with me about the rules,” said the single clerk. “I have to keep my oil production up, or else they’ll revoke my membership. I completely understand, they have to keep the global balance of power in their favour, and I have to play my part.”