Tag Archives: humour

Ibrahim Ali is Superkasa

KUALA LUMPUR — In a move to boost its powers, the independent-but-BN-friendly Pertubuhan Pribumi Perkasa (Perkasa), an NGO championing bumiputra rights today annouced that its president, Datuk Ibrahim Ali, has been elevated to superhero status, and he will from now on be known throughout the universe as ‘Superkasa’.

FUAD: Superkasa's da man!

Speaking at a Press Conference at its Federal Territory headquarters in Sg. Besi, Perkasa deputy president Datuk Fuad Hassan said that this move was in line with the organisation’s goal of influencing policies in the country and the region.

“Since our inception in September 2008, Perkasa has strived to fight for the rights bumiputras,” said Fuad, as his exco members smiled and nodded in unison. “We have notched quite a few commendable achievements so far, with many memoranda handed out to different people, police reports made against those ungrateful fools who dared to speak in disrespect to the pribumis, and several high-profile pickets and demonstrations in front of embassies to show our dissatisfaction. Very big and impressive displays, I must say.

“But all our efforts pale in comparison to what our Great President, Datuk Ibrahim Ali, has achieved just by being himself.

“His super-supreme leadership, far-sightedness, global vision and not to mention his charming and infectious personality has elevated Perkasa from a small NGO to a national force, nay, a universal force,” he added.

“He da man.”

Fuad then elaborated by listing down Ibrahim’s many positive attributes, from his soul-penetrating gaze to his rib-tickling guffaw.

“But the best — and most important — thing about our Great President, is that he is intelligent beyond reproach. A sheer genius. His smarts simply blows us away. He could sneeze and we’d be left paralysed in awe of his profoundness.

“So, we have decided to accord him with a status befitting a super-man like him. He is now… Superkasa!” proclaimed Fuad loudly, as technicians dimmed the room lights, replacing them with multi-coloured spotlights focused on one corner. There, as a traditional Gamelan group enthusiastically played the theme song from Superman, a shrouded figure emerged amid the dry ice smoke, shocking all those present. As the smoke cleared, the figure removed his robe, revealing a superheroisque, muscular and utterly incredible Ibrahim, smiling majestically.

MAJESTIC: Superkasa with his Keris Kebenaran

“I… AM… SUPERKASAAAAA!” yelled Ibrahim in a deep but melodious baritone voice, his sexy, ripping muscles causing several female reporters to faint, bodies twitching in ecstasy.

Ibrahim then swaggered to the front of the room to join the other exco members, making sure to flash his beautiful smile at everyone and flexed his biceps every other step before sitting down.

“Firstly, I must apologise for being too incredible,” said Superkasa, gesturing towards the Perkasa staff reviving the unconscious female journalists. “I understand that my greatness can be overwhelming. Being the supersexy, ultimate Jantan Melayu does have its drawbacks, at least to other people,” he added, his genius sense of humour drawing laughter from all those present.

Fuad continued, “As you can witness, our super President now is even better than before, and he will lead Perkasa into the next century and beyond!”

Moving his left and right chest muscles up and down alternately as he spoke, Ibrahim/Superkasa said, “This is indeed an honour for me. As Ibrahim Ali, even though I was the epitome of greatness, I had my limits. I was a mere human being. A weak homo sapien. With my wits, intelligence and charm, I could only move people.

“But now, I can move mountains!” he proclaimed, as he lifted the heavy oak table in front of him with his two index fingers. He then humbly said that his new superpowers include the ability to shoot killer laser rays from his eyes, the power to stupefy enemies with killer pantun verses, the ability to extract the kind of truths that he wants to hear (with his Keris Kebenaran), and, by putting on and taking off his majestic songkok, the ability to jump political divides with amazing speed.

“I… AM… SUPERKASAAAAAAAAAAAA!” he further exclaimed.

As the audience again got excited with a few more female reporters writhing in uncontrolable pleasure, Superkasa sat down and said, “Calm down, citizens. My powers and greatness is not merely for creating pleasure, but have a serious purpose.

“It is my duty to further the objectives of Perkasa. With my new superpowers, I promise you this: I shall ensure that our goals are met.

“Our enemies shall relent, and give us what we want. We shall get whatever it is we’re looking for, by coaxing or coersion!

“For I… AM… SUUUUPEEERRKAAAASAAAAAAAA!!” exclaimed Ibrahim/Superkasa yet again for the final time, his eyes glowing with hope and fury as he floated over the table, across the room and out the door, to the Gamelan music of The Final Countdown and the audience’s cheers, marking the end of the Press Conference.

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Lion butt guy wishes he was head

 

DEPENDABLE GUY: Lim (back) lending full support for the head-guy but is never recognised

SIMPANG EMPAT, TAIPING — If there’s one Chinese New Year wish Lim Kee Huat would ask for, it would be to no longer be the butt.

Lim, 36, has been performing in the lion dance troupe since he was out of school. Last weekend was the 17th Chinese New Year in which he and his band of brothers spreaded joy and good wishes to the audience. However, throughout his hardworking and amazing years, despite tireless training sessions and bruising performances, he has only been the backside of the lion. While others in the troupe have moved up, he has stayed pretty much in the same, support position.

“I feel underappreciated, really,” said Lim dejectedly as he sipped Chinese tea at a training break. “All these years, I’ve put in sweat, blood and tears, and nobody in my troupe management seems to notice me. I’m tired of being the backside guy. I want to be in front.”

Lim said that back when he approached his troupe master, Goh Swee Poh, ten years ago to ask if he could finally don the lion head and lead the dance, the 75-year-old man said that he must ‘earn’ the place.

“I accepted it with an open heart,” said Lim. “But after all these years, nothing. We’ve had newer dancers coming in, some fresh out of Lion Dance Academy, and they’ve moved up — or moved front — faster than me. When my Lion head partner left the troupe to open up a restaurant business some time ago, I thought, ‘he’s my chance’. But that spot was quickly filled by that greenhorn Yap there,” said Lim, as he gestured toward a young man sweeping the training centre compound. “I mean, he’s what? 22? Fucker is a baby, and he’s got the head! Blardy hell.”

Lim said that being the Lion hind legs and rump does have its advantages, but it hardly warrants doing it forever.

“Yes, being at the back you don’t have to carry the 20kg Lion head, while working the delicate system to control the Lion’s eye- and mouth-movements. Yes, being in the back you don’t have the pressure of being in the limelight,” he said. “But being a butt guy means you gotta stay strong when the head guy has too much beans and cannot control his wind movement. Being at the back you have to follow only and can’t go where ever you please. And being at the back, you always become the butt of all the jokes!” said Lim agrily, before scolding an apprentice dancer laughing nearby. “Bastards.

LIM: To give his troupe one last chance

“Look, I just want career progression, okay. I’m quite a good-looking guy. I could have become a model, but I chose to do this, out of love for the art. What’s wrong with me being in front hogging the limelight for a change?”

Lim says he’ll give this year one more shot before considering his options.

“I’ll have another talk with Master Goh. If he promises to let me do the head, I’ll stay. If not, I’ll be sending my CV around,” said Lim. “I hear the other Lion Dance troupe across town would probably need a Lion head guy soon, since the current ones thinking of graduating to a Dragon Head.

“Dragon Head. Wow. Now that’s a job.”

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Facebook changes layouts again just to piss off members

PALO ALTO, CA — Facebook, Inc, the firm that owns and operates Facebook, the most used social network by worldwide monthly active users, today announced that the latest change in layout and functionality was designed to piss their users off.

“We were honestly getting tired of having too many members,” said Facebook founder and CEO Mark Zuckeberg at a Press Conference held at the company headquarters. “So we’ve been trying very, very hard to discourage new members from signing up, and make it as hard as possible for current members to go about Facebooking.”

‘Facebooking’? Is there such a word?” asked Sheryl Sandberg, Facebook COO. “Oh well, you’re the founder, I guess you can coin whatever term you want,” she continued, laughing.

Among the notable changes introduced to the site, which brings the company an estimated US$300 million a year, were the re-positioning of the ‘Home’ and ‘Profile’ menu bars, as well as the introduction of new and completely irrelevant icons representing ‘Notification’, ‘Messages’ and ‘Friend Request’. Mostly used applications like games, which appeared at the bottom panel on every Facebook page, now only appears on the ‘Home’ page, on the left column. The Boring Blue theme colour remains unchanged.

ZUCKERBERG: Hopes the new UI will piss people off royally

“We’ve tried so many ways to get rid of users, from introducing different settings that don’t mean anything, to bugging them with annoying apps,” said Zuckerbeg. “What we found was that the best way to piss people off is to change the User Interface (UI) so often, they get confused.”

“Hell, I’m kinda confused with the new layout, bro,” Sandberg interjected. “I was looking for the notification thingy on the bottom left of the screen and it wasn’t there. An hour later I chanced upon it, right by our logo. Impressive.”

“We’ve pissed our users off before,” said Zuckerberg, noting that the last time they changed the UI last year, Facebook’s hotline email was flooded with irrate complaints. “We lost a few thousand members, who decided to go to MySpace and other inferior social network sites. This time around, we aim to lose at least 30 per cent of our 350 million active members.

“We’re just simply tired of all this success,” said the 25-year-old, said to be worth around US$2 billion. “They say ‘money can’t buy happiness’, well I have to second that. Now I spend my days lazing about, doing nothing interesting.

“I just wish I was dirt poor again, before Facebook changed all that. I was happier.”

“On that note, I hope our latest move doesn’t backfire,” said Sandberg. “We’ve had reports of some people being happy with the new UI. Imagine that. Despite all our efforts to spit on their faces, they keep on coming back for more. What the fuck is wrong with them?”

“There’ll always be some sort of masochistic individuals out there, dude,” replied Zuckerberg.

“Maybe we’ll need to start charging them for every status change or photo upload. Then maybe these suckers will stop coming to our site. A buck for a status update, and maybe five bucks for a superpoke.”

“We can’t do that, Mark,” said Sandberg. “We’re trying to get rid of them because we’re making too much money. Charging ’em will just bring us even more money!

“Facebook has become a monster,” added Zuckerberg, sadly. “People are spending more time on it than on real life or doing work. Our creation is slowly eroding productivity everywhere, and has destroyed countless lives,” he said, referring to the divorces caused by inter-Facebook affairs and careless Facebook comments which have led to people being embarrassed, and even fired from their jobs.

“We hope people will get pissed off and leave us. We’re praying so. But there’s only so much we can do.”

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Non-sodomy happenings cease as Sodomy II trial begins

NOTHING ELSE MATTERS: Anwar and Azizah at the courthouse

KUALA LUMPUR — As the much anticipated criminal trial of opposition leader Datuk Seri Anwar Ibrahim began today, everything in Malaysia not related to the proceedings either paused until further notice, or has abruptly ceased to exist. The trial, presided by Justice Datuk Mohamad Zabidin Mohd Diah, will be the only thing that happens in the country anywhere for the next few weeks to a few months, giving other interesting things in life a much-needed break and time off.

THE ACCUSER: Saiful

Anwar, the Parti Keadilan Rakyat advisor and Permatang Pauh MP, is accused of sodomising his former aide Mohd Saiful Bukhari Azlan at Unit 11-5-1, Kondominium Desa Damansara, Jalan Setiakasih, Bukit Damansara, between 3.01pm and 4.30pm on June 26, 2008. He is charged under section 377B of the Penal Code which carries a maximum 20-year jail term and whipping, if convicted.

Checks around the capital city and other spots in the country revealed a surreal calm as the population went about their lives without anything interesting — or even mildly sensational — happening. In some areas, things which would normally be considered newsworthy like dirty restaurants or broken signboards have been replaced by white space, not worthy of any attention. This has somewhat affected news organisations.

“We anticipated the impossibly high level of newsworthiness of the trial about a year-and-a-half ago,” said Datuk Azman Ujang, editor-in-chief of Bernama, the nation’s premiere news agency. “So we’ve restructured our manpower allocation to accommodate the new scheme of things.”

Azman added that all the journalists, photographers, camera crew and editors from the other beats, including sports, entertainment, business and lifestyle, have been put on the ‘Sodomy II’ assignment until the trial is over. “We realise that nothing happens outside of the courthouse for as long as the Anwar trial is on. The trial is the only thing that matters. Everyone will be talking only about the proceedings, at the mamak shop, the trains, the offices, over dinners and nothing else… so we at Bernama want to be the premiere source of credible information for all that talk.”

Datuk Wong Chun Wai, Group Chief Editor of The Star, meanwhile said that the publication will institute a temporary shutdown of half its operations until non-Sodomy II things come back to life.

“It doesn’t make business sense to have the mill running at full steam when most of news has disappeared and the universe centres around the trial,” said Wong. “I mean, fuck, man. No other fucking things happen, period. People say ‘no news is good news’, but for a news organisation, it’s a bummer. But that’s what happens when really important things like this takes place.

“We’ve got enough staff manning the fort and covering the event. The rest of the pages will be filled by wire services like Reuters and AP, supplying us international news, which is not affected by the trial at all.”

Meanwhile, Inspector General of Police Tan Sri Musa Hassan said that this is an opportune time for most of the police workforce to clear their annual leave days, seeing that there is no crime, accidents or any other cases for them to investigate during the trial.

“Yes, I’m still on the clock, since I’m supervising the case,” said Musa. “But the rest of my officers can get their rest, seeing that every other bad thing has ceased to exist, evil forces have paused and crime has disappeared. The whole country will have a complete and absolute peace while Anwar’s trial goes on.

“I’m kind of hoping for a long trial, so that my men will come back from their long leave refreshed,” he said.

According to media reports, the nation is holding its breath as it followed everything that happens in the courtroom at the Kuala Lumpur High Court. It is, however, not known exactly how long the nation would be able to hold its breath, although experts say that it could be quite a while, if coupled with gasps of excitement and the occasional “ooh’s” and “aah’s” by the nation’s 26 million-strong population.

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Rais hurt by ‘Yorais’ jokes, plans to sue internet

RAIS: Young and hip

KUALA LUMPUR — Minister for Information, Communications, Arts and Culture Datuk Seri Utama Dr. Rais Yatim today stated that he is deeply offended by the jokes circulating about his age and announced that he will be taking legal action against the internet for what he termed as ‘a concerted effort to humiliate a young-at-heart person like me’.

It all started with a sincere advise from a well-meaning, concerned leader. But now, it has spawned a malicious and personal internet campaign that would shame anyone. And being at the receiving end of the humiliating treatment, Rais is not planning to take it lying down.

Weeks ago, Rais gave Malaysian internet users a sound advice. He said that Malaysians, especially Muslims, must avoid being totally immersed in the internet culture, especially Facebook and Twitter, adding that facilities like the internet could not be accepted wholly because it was a form of business introduced by the West and “Malaysians were just users.”

“We are not saying that they cannot use Facebook or Twitter but when using such facilities they must upkeep the values taught by Islam, Buddhism or Christianity to maintain our culture,” he told reporters after opening a Seminar on the 1Malaysia concept in Seremban.

Unfortunately, however, his sincere caution was received poorly by internet-using Malaysians, who started a Twitter and online campaign called ‘Yorais’, modelled from the ‘Yo Mama’ jokes. They began a barrage of Yorais jokes, which poked fun at his not-so-young outlook on life.

“I’ll have you all know that I’m not that old,” said Rais, thumping his chest. “I am a lot younger than many of these people think. Fine, I’ve lived through two world wars, but who hasn’t?

“They are falsely saying that I predate dinosaurs and the Jurassic era. Obviously they exaggerated. I mean, a major meteor deep impact event wiped out the dinosaurs. Now, if the dinosaurs were killed by the impact and ensuing global winter, and if I were around back then, wouldn’t I have been killed too? Use your logic!” said the minister, agitated.

“Those irresponsible Twitter people have no evidence to support what they said in that malicious campaign designed to discredit me,” he continued. “To say that I’m so old that I knew Burger King when he was still a prince? Where’s the proof? Did they get Burger King to sign a statutory declaration? Of course not! If they did, I haven’t seen it yet.”

“I’m very upset. I see this as an attack on my personal being. It’s not my fault I’m not as young as they’d like me to be. I can’t help it if at the time I was born, Australia was still part of the main Asian continent land mass. All I know is that I am still very much relevant to every Malaysian, being still young and hip,” he stressed. “Such lies! Don’t believe the online people! Online people are liars!

“That is why I will take action to protect my fellow Malaysians against the scourge of the internet. This… internet fellow — and its evil agents like Facebook and Twitter — are the West’s weapons to destroy the 1Malaysia harmony we currently enjoy in the country,” he added.

“I have spoken to my lawyers, and we plan to sue the internet, Facebook and Twitter for a grand total of RM100 million. Yes, yes. That will teach the internet a lesson. This will bury the internet. Yes.

“And it wouldn’t matter if the lawsuit goes on and on for many years. I’m still young.”

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Anti-drug agency launches non-haram feline unit

FEARSOME FELINE: One of the new AADK recruits

KUALA LUMPUR — Agensi Anti Dadah Kebangsaan, or AADK, today launched its elite feline unit, to help combat the growing dadah scourge in the country while respecting the right of drug dealers to stay pure and clean. The national anti narcotics agency, operating directly under the Home Ministry, announced that the unit was formed in line with the government’s efforts to be sensitive to all communities.

“We began the feline project after receiving numerous complaints from Muslim drug dealers that they had to samak (Islamic cleansing ritual) themselves after being taken down by our K9 unit dogs during drug busts,” said AADK DG Datuk Abdul Bakir Zin at the Press conference held after the launch at the agency’s Putrajaya office. “We realised how insensitive it was for us to let some of these criminals come into contact with such an unclean and haram animal, so we had to think out of the box.”

Bakir said that initially, the agency has procured five felines trained in drug-sniffing from Germany, and would add more as the need arises.

BAKIR: AADK sensitive to drug dealers' needs

“These felines have been trained to not only track the conventional, more widely trafficked drugs such as cocaine, heroin and ganja,” said Bakir, smiling, as he cuddled one of the new recruits, a 3-year-old male beige Maine Coon named Tigris. “They’re also able to sniff out the latest varieties out there, such as opioids, hallucinogens, anabolic steroids and other designer drugs.

“Not many people know this, but cats have as many smell-sensitive receptors in their noses as do most dogs. We humans have 5 million, but little Tigris here has over 200 million!” he exclaimed, stroking its wonderfully soft belly.

“He’s cute, isn’t he?” added Bakir. “But don’t let his adorable looks fool you. His mandibles and claws can bring a grown man down.

“The moment he and his furry friends get an order to attack a drug dealer, there’ll be no place to run or hide.”

EFFECTIVE & CUDDLY TOO: A 'drug dealer' being taken down by Minah, AADK's latest addition

Bakir then proceeded to demonstrate the new unit’s effectiveness. A female trainer, who trained the cats in Germany, stuffed in her jacket a very small amount of ganja and pretended to be a drug trafficker. Upon receiving the order, Minah, a 4-year-old orange-and-white mixed breed, quickly and effortlessly tackled the ‘dealer’ with such ferocity that she ‘surrendered’ immediately.

“As you can see, the new felines can do everything the K9 unit can, and 100% halal to touch too,” said Bakir, proudly.

“So now, drug traffickers from all religious backgrounds can rest easy, knowing that they’ve got these new, clean and cuddly agents chasing after them. Muslim traffickers would be happy that they don’t have to samak after being taken down, while non-Muslim drug dealers would be pleased to know that AADK is very fair and does not discriminate based on race or religion.”

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H1N1 virus upset Malaysians riled up over other things and not it

DISAPPOINTED: H1N1 virus

KUALA LUMPUR — The Influenza (A) H1N1 virus, who wreaked havoc by causing the Swine Flu pandemic around the world a few months ago, is deeply upset that Malaysians have generally reacted more strongly to other events in the past few weeks as compared to when the disease was at its height.

Speaking at a Press conference inside a human host yesterday, H1N1 said that it felt slighted that Malaysians were so easily rattled and emotionally affected by issues of religion and race, spooked by baseless rumours and hearsay, and were very easily swayed by certain quarters’ political propaganda, while these same people couldn’t care less about their lives when the flu pandemic was ravaging the world, including Malaysia.

“I was killing people, man. Killing,” said H1N1 sadly. “How many fatalities did I clock up in Malaysia, what, almost a hundred? More? Dude, I was evil!

“But were people scared? Did they get panicked and run helter-skelter? Prayed in mass congregations asking God to help alleviate the disaster that was me? No!” shouted H1N1, flustered.

WHAT FLU? While authorities encouraged safety precautions during the swine flu outbreak, some people couldn't care less

“People were dying almost everyday, but I didn’t see everyone donning face masks,” it continued, as it fused itself onto a nearby lung cell and began its degenerative infection. “Sure, there were daily alerts in the papers. Hospitals began scanning people and sticking little red stickers on them to show ‘oh, we’re doing something’. But were people on the streets really scared? Did they change their lifestyles drastically to avert being infected? Hell no.

“I still saw idiots going to movies and smooching at the back of the theatres, breathing the same air some virus carrier might be sneezing out!” said the flu virus, visibly upset as it overwhelmed its host’s defences.

“But what happens when they argue over a word? Boom — churches, suraus and now, even a Sikh temple get vandalised. Hate mails fly around, the net is inundated with outbursts and name-calling. What the fuck?’

H1N1 also added that it is simply mystified by how easy it is for people to believe rumours.

“My previous host got this SMS, advising him to remove all indications of his religious beliefs from his car, be it stickers or religious ornaments, ‘for fear of someone smashing his windows’. And he promptly did.

“Look, I understand if he wanted to play it safe — I always believe it’s better to be safe than sorry — but for crying out loud, he went ahead to stock up on food supplies and bought a mobile generator, fearing an all-out riot on the streets! What a dope.

“He should have checked with the local cops and other authorities for facts instead of easily believing every single rumour he hears. Facts, man. Just the facts.”

H1N1 then offered an advice to Malaysians in general.

“Look, you guys have got to get your priorities right, man,” he said, forlorn. “You get upset and get all drama-queen for something so easily solved by rational discussions. But when it comes to something actually dangerous, you think it won’t happen to you, and you go on with your lives.

“How many of you wear seat belts in the car?” the virus asked, sternly. “Face the facts. Arguments and misunderstandings over words can’t kill you. But I can.

“And I’m far from finished. My friends and I are planning a comeback, so get your tissues and facemasks ready, and get your hospitals to stock up on Tamiflu.

“Panic.”

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Police warns of overhappy new year celebration

KUALA LUMPUR — IN a move to curb immoral and illegal activities, the police today warned all those who are planning to celebrate the New Year to not overdo it by being excessively happy. 

TAN SRI MUSA: Hopes for a vice-free New Year celebration

 

“Every year we’ve had to deal with revellers getting too happy, drunk and rowdy, displaying improper behaviours in public and even damaging properties,” said Inspector General of Police, Tan Sri Musa Hassan at a briefing this morning. “This year, we’re being proactive and issuing a warning early on, that such overhappy behaviours will not be tolerated. We are a multi-racial, 1Malaysia society, with many cultural sensitivities, so everyone would have to keep a lid on their excitement levels, in order to keep our peace and harmony.” 

Musa said that a special task force has been set up to look for tell-tale signs of overhappiness during the eve of 2010, like groups laughing together, being merry, hugging, and other vile behaviours. 

The Overhappiness to Death Chart

“The team will be vigilant. Heaven knows overhappiness is the root of all vice and social ills,” he said, as he unveiled a chart showing the direct correlation between excessive happiness and the consecutive pain and suffering. “Here, an uncareful reveller will start his or her new year celebrations with being too happy. Next, would come the alcohol, psychotropic drugs and other illegal substances, coupled with wild merriment with friends. 

“And before you know it, pain, suffering, and death.” 

Musa however, said that it is not the police’s intention to be a party pooper or to curb happiness among citizens per se. 

“Of course we want every Malaysian to be happy. However, how happy does one get before others get unhappy with his happiness? Just like rights and freedom — there is a certain limit to it. You are free to exercise your rights, but not until your rights impede of the rights of others. Same thing with happiness. We cannot be too happy until others become unhappy. 

“Sure, we all want to celebrate the coming of the new year. But we also have to remember that in a multi-cultural society like ours, we have to respect the feelings of others. If we go crazy celebrating without limits, what about those who do not celebrate the new year? 

“We want everyone to usher in 2010 in a pleasant, polite manner, and not by displaying wild and shameful behaviours that would embarrass the country. Key word here is ‘pleasant’. No need to be too excited about a new year. No need to be too happy. 

“Besides, 2009 hasn’t been such a happy year for everyone anyways, what with economic uncertainties, alarming crime rates and other crap we find in society. Why should 2010 be any different? 

“So, have a Tolerable New Year. Pleasant, at best.”

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Toys ‘R’ Us admits to supplying Santa with toys

THE IMAGE: Santa delivering toys supposedly made by his elves

NORTH POLE — For ages, children around the world were led to believe that the toys Santa Claus left in their stockings on Christmas mornings were lovingly made by his merry elves.

However, that belief was blown away to pieces today when giant toy store franchise Toys ‘R’ Us revealed that it had been supplying most, if not all, of the jovial Christmas icon’s gifts for the last decade.

In a written statement, Chairman and CEO Gerald Storch said that the company was no longer willing to ‘hide the truth’ from the world and ‘continue living an ugly lie’ by letting Santa Claus take the credit for the high quality toys children get every Christmas morning.

“The orders for the latest toys started coming in from North Pole in October 1997,” said Storch. “We at Toys ‘R’ Us were naturally ecstatic at first. Which company wouldn’t like a big corporate buyer knocking on their door?

“As the orders continued and grew the following years, so did our bank accounts. We did wonder who was behind these orders, since the company bought through an agent, who only stated that the buyer was a foundation set up by a ‘well-respected and jolly philantropist’ who ‘loved kids’. He was a very prompt paymaster, so we never bothered about the details.

“However, as we began receiving reports that children around the world were getting ‘more hip and trendy’ toys in their stockings from Santa, unlike the usual traditional ones made of wood, tin and cloth he delivers, our suspicions grew.”

Storch added that his company’s intial investigations showed obvious signs.

“We contacted some of the children who reported that they got uber-cool toys — which they had actually asked for in the wish list they sent Santa — and purchased their toys for investigation. The results were both stunning, and disappointing.

“We discovered that the toys were the ones we sold to our North Pole buyer, but only repackaged and had their logos stripped off. Even the serial numbers were scaled off. However, via the serial numbers found on the inner parts of some of the toys, we determined that the toys were from us.”

Storch said that the company’s board of directors were then faced with a moral dilemma — while Santa’s actions were very healthy to Toys ‘R’ Us’ balance sheets, it was an ‘outright deception’, and ran against the company’s principles.

“In the end, we decided that money is not as important as preserving the honest spirit of Christmas,” said Storch. “We had to make this public, even if we risk losing this big account.”

Toys ‘R’ Us would not reveal how much the Santa account is worth, but sources say that it ran into billions a year.

A spokesman for Santa Claus Inc, in response, said that it was not a deception, but simply ‘a new business model, in line with a global strategy deemed necessary in the new millennium’.

Chief communications officer Elf Rowan said, “Santa Claus would like to state that he sees nothing wrong with subbing out the manufacturing process of his toys to other parties, to improve efficiency and keep up with the times.

“He realises that the kids these days demand more from their toys, and acknowledge that his own toy factory, manned by millions of hardworking and merry elves, was not able to produce such electronic and digital products, and cope with the rising number of children worldwide. He saw, and still sees, no harm in sourcing out, as long as the quality is high and the kids are happy.”

Elf Rowan refused to say if Santa would stop buying from Toys ‘R’ Us, in light of this revelation.

“Santa will have the whole of next year to evaluate the current situation. He will make a statement at a much later date.”

Toy manufacturers Hasbro and Mattel, when contacted, said that they were not concerned about whom the kids get their products from.

“As long as our high quality, super-cool and uber kick-ass toys fly off the shelves and make our customers happy playing and learning, we’re okay,” they said, in a joint statement.

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MPs to wear GPS ankle tags to combat absenteeism

NAJIB: Disappointed with absent MPs

KUALA LUMPUR — Prime Minister Datuk Seri Najib Tun Abdul Razak today announced that all members of parliament would be required to wear permanent ankle tags with global positioning capabilities, in line with the government’s efforts to ensure that MPs attend parliament sittings. This is due to a close call a couple of days ago when the 2010 Budget narrowly escaped being rejected, with 66 BN MPs voting for it, while 63 Pakatan MPs against. BN has 140 MPs in total while Pakatan, 82.

At a packed Press conference outside Dewan Rakyat, Najib said that the move was necessary to counter rising absenteeism in parliament sittings.

“I’ve always tolerated members of parliament who need to skip the sittings once in a while, perhaps to attend to affairs in their constituencies,” said the PM. “But when an MP is missing half the time, then he or she’s just makan gaji buta (getting money for nothing).”

Najib added that with the US-made device, no MP would be able to lie about where they are, since their location would be monitored by a newly set up task force under the minister in charge of parliament, Datuk Seri Mohd Nazri Abdul Aziz.

“We’d be able to tell if an MP is playing truant. The device can pinpoint exactly where they are, so if they say they can’t make it to a sitting because they’re busy helping some poor farmer get his buffalo out from some dried mudhole, they’d better not be fibbing. We’d know if they’re having a massage in some hotel or catching New Moon at a cineplex,” stressed the BN chairman.

NO ESCAPE FOR YANG BERHORMAT: The GPS ankle tag

Najib also said that, if need be, he would order the country’s spy satellites to monitor and capture the image of the MPs and their wherabouts.

“This would only be reserved to the hard-core absentees, of course. Like how the traffic police uses cameras to catch road offenders in action, we’d do the same with our errant MPs. In fact, here’s an example of such aerial spy images, taken just five minutes ago,” said the PM, showing a screenshot of an MP from Negri Sembilan having a smoke outside the parliament building. “As you can see, with such details, no MP would be able to lie about their activities. Heck, you can even tell the brand of the ciggie he’s holding!”

Asked if the GPS monitoring system can really get the MPs to attend sittings, Najib admitted that simply monitoring is not enough and that better enforcement is necessary.

“We’re considering some punitive actions against MPs who still don’t attend sittings,” said Najib. “These people are paid to not just serve their constituencies and campaign for re-elections, but also to work as parliamentarians formulating national policies. That means they have to spend some quality time in the House.

“There are several options, ranging from warning memos to pay deductions. My personal recommendation for these hard-core absentees is to add on remote-controlled electric shocks to their tags. The kind you find in Taser guns. After 3 cases of unwarranted absence, BZOOTT! he laughed.

“That’ll motivate them to attend sittings.”

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