HOLLYWOOD, CA — Organisers of the 52nd Grammy Awards today announced that they have fully implemented an anti-Kanye West defence system, to avoid any untoward incident similar to the one at the 2009 MTV Video Music Awards, where the singer-songwriter rudely interrupted the acceptance speech by young winner Taylor Swift, claiming that his friend, superstar Beyonce was more deserving of the VMA Best Female Video award.
“I think one occasion where a pretty and innocent girl’s dream gets horribly ruined is enough,” said Allan Silverstein, spokesperson for the National Academy of Recording Arts and Sciences (NARAS), the organisation behind the annual awards show, arguably music industry’s most illustrious event, to be held this weekend. “We all saw the unfortunate and heartbreaking scene when Mr West violently took the microphone from Miss Swift and went about praising Miss Beyonce, and proclaiming that the latter deserved the MVA more. What a jackass.
“Well we’re not about to let him do that again, especially at such an illustrious event. No siree. MTV may have benefited from that cheap and neanderthal display of machismo, but the Grammy Awards is more respectful.”
Silverstein explained that the anti-Kanye West defence system, codenamed “KrushKanye”, involves an extensive use of satellite tracking, biometric security, round-the-clock surveillance and other technologies originally developed to combat urban terrorism.
“We’re taking this very, very seriously, obviously,” said Silverstein, gesturing toward Kanye’s current location on screen. “Mr West is a pretty wily character. He knows we’re tracking him, and has attempted to go under the radar a couple of times.
“But thanks to the global network of military-class satellites and the undisclosed number of agents on the street, Kanye has no hope of escaping, really.
“As you can see here, he’s currently about a kilometre from the Staples Centre, where the event will be held, shown in the map circled in red. The guy’s been sniffing around for any way to get in this weekend, but all his efforts have so far been thwarted. Our security is airtight,” said Silverstein confidently.
“There’ll be a whole lot of very, very important guests at the event, and it is absolutely imperative that destructive and disruptive elements such as Kanye West is not allowed to get anywhere close to ground zero. Both Taylor Swift and Beyonce are again nominated for Record of The Year and Album of The Year, so we’re expecting things to heat up a little. Emotions will run high.
“But we want everyone to keep a lid on their excitement, so that deserving winners will get their chance at the glory on stage, without being cruelly interrupted, and robbed of their moment.
“We will be on our toes. This is the Grammy’s, for God’s sake. We cannot afford to have embarrassing moments at all. No Kanye, no Brüno, no ‘wardrobe malfunctions’. If we’re not careful, we’d have Mr West mooning everybody as Celine Dion’s singing a tribute to Michael Jackson. That’d be disastrous.
“Our eyes are everywhere. That slimebucket won’t get within 100 yards from the premises. If he does, our security teams, comprising trained black ops personnel who’ve done time in Iraq and Afghanistan, will turn him away. Whether they’ll do it nicely or by force, that’ll be Mr West’s choice,” said Silverstein, sternly.
“And if — and that’s a BIG if — he still gets through our security net and our multi-million dollar technology, then we’ve got one last weapon to deal with him. I can’t specify here, as it’s all a big military secret.
“But let’s just say satellites aren’t just built to observe from the sky… and the US military has been toying around with intensified ultra-accurate laser cannons the last few years.”