Tag Archives: fake

Anti-drug agency launches non-haram feline unit

FEARSOME FELINE: One of the new AADK recruits

KUALA LUMPUR — Agensi Anti Dadah Kebangsaan, or AADK, today launched its elite feline unit, to help combat the growing dadah scourge in the country while respecting the right of drug dealers to stay pure and clean. The national anti narcotics agency, operating directly under the Home Ministry, announced that the unit was formed in line with the government’s efforts to be sensitive to all communities.

“We began the feline project after receiving numerous complaints from Muslim drug dealers that they had to samak (Islamic cleansing ritual) themselves after being taken down by our K9 unit dogs during drug busts,” said AADK DG Datuk Abdul Bakir Zin at the Press conference held after the launch at the agency’s Putrajaya office. “We realised how insensitive it was for us to let some of these criminals come into contact with such an unclean and haram animal, so we had to think out of the box.”

Bakir said that initially, the agency has procured five felines trained in drug-sniffing from Germany, and would add more as the need arises.

BAKIR: AADK sensitive to drug dealers' needs

“These felines have been trained to not only track the conventional, more widely trafficked drugs such as cocaine, heroin and ganja,” said Bakir, smiling, as he cuddled one of the new recruits, a 3-year-old male beige Maine Coon named Tigris. “They’re also able to sniff out the latest varieties out there, such as opioids, hallucinogens, anabolic steroids and other designer drugs.

“Not many people know this, but cats have as many smell-sensitive receptors in their noses as do most dogs. We humans have 5 million, but little Tigris here has over 200 million!” he exclaimed, stroking its wonderfully soft belly.

“He’s cute, isn’t he?” added Bakir. “But don’t let his adorable looks fool you. His mandibles and claws can bring a grown man down.

“The moment he and his furry friends get an order to attack a drug dealer, there’ll be no place to run or hide.”

EFFECTIVE & CUDDLY TOO: A 'drug dealer' being taken down by Minah, AADK's latest addition

Bakir then proceeded to demonstrate the new unit’s effectiveness. A female trainer, who trained the cats in Germany, stuffed in her jacket a very small amount of ganja and pretended to be a drug trafficker. Upon receiving the order, Minah, a 4-year-old orange-and-white mixed breed, quickly and effortlessly tackled the ‘dealer’ with such ferocity that she ‘surrendered’ immediately.

“As you can see, the new felines can do everything the K9 unit can, and 100% halal to touch too,” said Bakir, proudly.

“So now, drug traffickers from all religious backgrounds can rest easy, knowing that they’ve got these new, clean and cuddly agents chasing after them. Muslim traffickers would be happy that they don’t have to samak after being taken down, while non-Muslim drug dealers would be pleased to know that AADK is very fair and does not discriminate based on race or religion.”

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H1N1 virus upset Malaysians riled up over other things and not it

DISAPPOINTED: H1N1 virus

KUALA LUMPUR — The Influenza (A) H1N1 virus, who wreaked havoc by causing the Swine Flu pandemic around the world a few months ago, is deeply upset that Malaysians have generally reacted more strongly to other events in the past few weeks as compared to when the disease was at its height.

Speaking at a Press conference inside a human host yesterday, H1N1 said that it felt slighted that Malaysians were so easily rattled and emotionally affected by issues of religion and race, spooked by baseless rumours and hearsay, and were very easily swayed by certain quarters’ political propaganda, while these same people couldn’t care less about their lives when the flu pandemic was ravaging the world, including Malaysia.

“I was killing people, man. Killing,” said H1N1 sadly. “How many fatalities did I clock up in Malaysia, what, almost a hundred? More? Dude, I was evil!

“But were people scared? Did they get panicked and run helter-skelter? Prayed in mass congregations asking God to help alleviate the disaster that was me? No!” shouted H1N1, flustered.

WHAT FLU? While authorities encouraged safety precautions during the swine flu outbreak, some people couldn't care less

“People were dying almost everyday, but I didn’t see everyone donning face masks,” it continued, as it fused itself onto a nearby lung cell and began its degenerative infection. “Sure, there were daily alerts in the papers. Hospitals began scanning people and sticking little red stickers on them to show ‘oh, we’re doing something’. But were people on the streets really scared? Did they change their lifestyles drastically to avert being infected? Hell no.

“I still saw idiots going to movies and smooching at the back of the theatres, breathing the same air some virus carrier might be sneezing out!” said the flu virus, visibly upset as it overwhelmed its host’s defences.

“But what happens when they argue over a word? Boom — churches, suraus and now, even a Sikh temple get vandalised. Hate mails fly around, the net is inundated with outbursts and name-calling. What the fuck?’

H1N1 also added that it is simply mystified by how easy it is for people to believe rumours.

“My previous host got this SMS, advising him to remove all indications of his religious beliefs from his car, be it stickers or religious ornaments, ‘for fear of someone smashing his windows’. And he promptly did.

“Look, I understand if he wanted to play it safe — I always believe it’s better to be safe than sorry — but for crying out loud, he went ahead to stock up on food supplies and bought a mobile generator, fearing an all-out riot on the streets! What a dope.

“He should have checked with the local cops and other authorities for facts instead of easily believing every single rumour he hears. Facts, man. Just the facts.”

H1N1 then offered an advice to Malaysians in general.

“Look, you guys have got to get your priorities right, man,” he said, forlorn. “You get upset and get all drama-queen for something so easily solved by rational discussions. But when it comes to something actually dangerous, you think it won’t happen to you, and you go on with your lives.

“How many of you wear seat belts in the car?” the virus asked, sternly. “Face the facts. Arguments and misunderstandings over words can’t kill you. But I can.

“And I’m far from finished. My friends and I are planning a comeback, so get your tissues and facemasks ready, and get your hospitals to stock up on Tamiflu.

“Panic.”

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