Tag Archives: environment

Humans glad to be back to ramming Earth’s behind

LOOKING GOOD: Humanity's effort to fuck up the planet looks promising

ALL OVER THE PLANET– Almost a week has passed since the Earth Hour ended, and humans around the world breathed a sigh of relief as they were free to fuck the world’s environment once again.

“OMG, I’m glad that hour’s over,” said Michael Johnson, 47, a vice president of an manufacturing firm based in the US. “It was such a pain in the ass refraining from doing anything destructive and selfish during that stupid hour. But now that we’re all back to normal, I’m happy to be spending energy needlessly, throwing away household waste indiscriminately and generally being a prick with the planet,” he continued, while adding that his chemical and manufacturing plants will be stepping up its factory operations in Asia and Africa despite slow demand for their products, simply to spend as much energy as possible and release as much pollutants into the air and water as they can.

Kim Jong Moon, 56, a businessman in South Korea shared the same sentiment. “I know we were only supposed to observe Earth Hour by turning off non-essential lights and also unplug unnecessary electrical items, but my friends and I decided to go a little further by cutting our water and gas usage for the entire hour, you know, to make a bigger impact for our beloved planet.

“But now that the hour’s over, we can all go back to fucking the planet in its behind without guilt,” he continued, as he switched on all the available lights, electrical equipments, the engines of his gas-guzzling hot rods and pushed his apartment heater to max temperature.

Earth Hour was celebrated on March 26 between 8.30pm to 9.30pm as a symbol of energy conservation, as part of a global movement to save the planet from destruction caused by the overconsumerism of its resources. Participants observing the event, from individuals to corporations and governments, switched off non-essential lights and equipment for the hour.

“Seriously, it was like abstaining on your wedding night,” Kim continued, straining his voice trying to speak over the sound of all the faucets in the apartment turned on at full blast. “It was a real bitch trying to make Earth happy, we had to sacrifice so much to make  Earth Hour work. Fortunately this stupid thing’s only an hour a year. I’d be going nuts if some smartass decides to turn it into Earth Day, Earth Week or whatever. Fuck that.

“In fact, the guys and I are heading up to the park later to make a giant bonfire just to make up for whatever positive impact the hour had achieved. We’re burning wood and whatever garbage we find around there. I personally hope to find some old tyres — they make the blackest smoke,” he said, giggling. “And all my facebook friends around the world are doing the same. It’s heartwarming to see a global movement to finish off the planet in a concerted effort.”

Another human in Germany, who wanted to be known only as Sarah K, 34, said that it was every human’s civic duty to be themselves and help Earth continue the downward spiral towards imminent doom. “During Earth Hour, I personally stopped burning shit into the air, you know? I even refrained from buying some illegally poached elephant tusk-ornament for my living room. It was just painful to see it online but not buy it.

“But now that that nonsense hour has passed, I advocate my fellow humans around the world, all 7 billion of us, to go back to being the selfish assholes we’ve been the rest of the year. Spend energy and all the resources like they aint’ never gonna deplete — after all, Earth is a big-ass planet. There’s more than enough to go around. In fact, I’m getting the tusk AND an endangered tiger penis. I hear it’s good for health. Checkout counter girl asks me ‘Paper or plastic’ at the supermarket? Give me paper AND plastic! And triple-bag it, biotch!

“Hell, nobody lives forever, man,” she continued as she poured spent cooking oil down the sink. “So the world will be a mass heap of crap in two or three decades? That’s the next generation’s problem.

“My kids have been having an easy life anyway, spoilt by the Xbox, Wii and other crap. Might as well give them a bit of challenge.”


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Greenpeace celebrates Earth Day with giant globe bonfire

The giant globe bonfire in Amsterdam

The giant globe bonfire in Amsterdam

AMSTERDAM — Radical eco group Greenpeace celebrated the eve of Earth Day with a gigantic bonfire baring the shape of Earth, as a sign of protest over the constant and continuous abuse that the planet had been taking.

Over 3,000 spectators watched as Greenpeace Executive Director, Mr Gerd Leipold, lit the historic match which incinerated the 150-foot tall wooden structure on Wednesday night in a public park in Amsterdam, The Netherlands, where the organisation’s headquarters is located.

“This is our way of telling the world that enough is enough!” said Leipold, as he pointed to the plume of smoke and ash rise up to the sky. “The world has endured enough wars, enough deforestation, enough pollution, enough abuse from those who only care about making money at the expense of the planet’s environment.

“This fire rising from the burning ‘globe’ reflects Greenpeace’s stand that we are serious about tackling those problems. It is a symbol of hope for the future, for our children.”

The structure, a detailed replica of Earth complete with topographical expressions, was constructed by Danish artist Bjorn Feikke using oak and sequoia wood, at a cost of €3.56 million. The artist, famous for his phallic sculptures, was commissioned by the eco-pressure group six months ago.



“How much longer can Monther Earth take our indescriminate dumping of toxic waste?” asked Leipold. “How much longer can our flora process our carbon emissions? Did you know that our internal combustion engines release over 1 to 2 metric tonnes of carbon monoxide per year? How do you expect our trees to convert it into breathable oxygen?” he continued, as the fire raged and spectators moved back slightly to escape the searing heat and black smoke.

Leipold said that the movement are stepping up their activities to stop all forms of pollution, overharvesting of natural resources and environmentally-harmful policies.

“It’s a war to save the planet,” said Leipold. “The world’s industries and consumers are killing Earth slowly but surely, and we are running out of time.

“Like the bonfire you see here, we shall bring the heat to the doorsteps of the polluters and selfish parties. We are planning to hold smaller, but equally bright bonfires in as many countries as we can, to increase awareness of the planet’s plight, and burn the fires of hope for our future,” Leipold said sternly. “Soon, the fires of our movement shall be so big, and its black smoke of change shall be so overwhelming, that it will be visible from the skies!”

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