Tag Archives: earth hour

Humans glad to be back to ramming Earth’s behind

LOOKING GOOD: Humanity's effort to fuck up the planet looks promising

ALL OVER THE PLANET– Almost a week has passed since the Earth Hour ended, and humans around the world breathed a sigh of relief as they were free to fuck the world’s environment once again.

“OMG, I’m glad that hour’s over,” said Michael Johnson, 47, a vice president of an manufacturing firm based in the US. “It was such a pain in the ass refraining from doing anything destructive and selfish during that stupid hour. But now that we’re all back to normal, I’m happy to be spending energy needlessly, throwing away household waste indiscriminately and generally being a prick with the planet,” he continued, while adding that his chemical and manufacturing plants will be stepping up its factory operations in Asia and Africa despite slow demand for their products, simply to spend as much energy as possible and release as much pollutants into the air and water as they can.

Kim Jong Moon, 56, a businessman in South Korea shared the same sentiment. “I know we were only supposed to observe Earth Hour by turning off non-essential lights and also unplug unnecessary electrical items, but my friends and I decided to go a little further by cutting our water and gas usage for the entire hour, you know, to make a bigger impact for our beloved planet.

“But now that the hour’s over, we can all go back to fucking the planet in its behind without guilt,” he continued, as he switched on all the available lights, electrical equipments, the engines of his gas-guzzling hot rods and pushed his apartment heater to max temperature.

Earth Hour was celebrated on March 26 between 8.30pm to 9.30pm as a symbol of energy conservation, as part of a global movement to save the planet from destruction caused by the overconsumerism of its resources. Participants observing the event, from individuals to corporations and governments, switched off non-essential lights and equipment for the hour.

“Seriously, it was like abstaining on your wedding night,” Kim continued, straining his voice trying to speak over the sound of all the faucets in the apartment turned on at full blast. “It was a real bitch trying to make Earth happy, we had to sacrifice so much to make  Earth Hour work. Fortunately this stupid thing’s only an hour a year. I’d be going nuts if some smartass decides to turn it into Earth Day, Earth Week or whatever. Fuck that.

“In fact, the guys and I are heading up to the park later to make a giant bonfire just to make up for whatever positive impact the hour had achieved. We’re burning wood and whatever garbage we find around there. I personally hope to find some old tyres — they make the blackest smoke,” he said, giggling. “And all my facebook friends around the world are doing the same. It’s heartwarming to see a global movement to finish off the planet in a concerted effort.”

Another human in Germany, who wanted to be known only as Sarah K, 34, said that it was every human’s civic duty to be themselves and help Earth continue the downward spiral towards imminent doom. “During Earth Hour, I personally stopped burning shit into the air, you know? I even refrained from buying some illegally poached elephant tusk-ornament for my living room. It was just painful to see it online but not buy it.

“But now that that nonsense hour has passed, I advocate my fellow humans around the world, all 7 billion of us, to go back to being the selfish assholes we’ve been the rest of the year. Spend energy and all the resources like they aint’ never gonna deplete — after all, Earth is a big-ass planet. There’s more than enough to go around. In fact, I’m getting the tusk AND an endangered tiger penis. I hear it’s good for health. Checkout counter girl asks me ‘Paper or plastic’ at the supermarket? Give me paper AND plastic! And triple-bag it, biotch!

“Hell, nobody lives forever, man,” she continued as she poured spent cooking oil down the sink. “So the world will be a mass heap of crap in two or three decades? That’s the next generation’s problem.

“My kids have been having an easy life anyway, spoilt by the Xbox, Wii and other crap. Might as well give them a bit of challenge.”

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Hassan Skodeng a free baboon!

DIFFICULT CLIENT: Jahaberdeen trying to discuss the case with an unattentive Hassan at the court cafetaria

PETALING JAYA — In a landmark decision this morning, the Petaling Jaya Sessions Court freed the editor of Nose4news, Hassan Skodeng, after the public prosecutors classified his case of writing lies with regards to TNB and Earth Hour as ‘DNAA’ (discharge not amounting to acquittal).

Speaking at the court cafetaria after the court ruling, Mr Skodeng expressed his relief at the turn of events.

“Naturally I’m quite pleased with the decision,” said the baboon, as he sipped his teh tarik, his red bottom cheeks glowing radiantly with happiness. “I’ve always maintained that the article I wrote was purely fictional, and written in jest without any malice intended, so I’m glad everyone’s sensibility and sense of humour prevailed.”

Hassan was charged under section 233(1) of the Multimedia and Communications Act in September last year after a fictional parody he wrote earned the wrath of TNB, Malaysia’s national power company. In his satire, TNB was said to be upset with the World Wildlife Fund (WWF) for organising the annual Earth Hour, in which participants turn off non-essential lights for an hour in support of energy conservation.

“I’m just glad it’s over,” added Hassan, as onlookers jeered in disgust over having a naked baboon in the court complex. “For months I’ve been having sleepless nights, wondering what would happen to my wife and kids if I were jailed. But now that everyone’s cool again, I can finally get back to foraging the jungle, looking for fruits and stuff — you know, whatever baboons and mandrills do.”

Hassan’s counsel Datuk Jahaberdeen Mohd Yunoos said that he was thrilled that the case was over.

“I’m just happy I don’t have to deal with primates again,” he said, with a look of relief. “At the beginning of the case I thought, here’s a baboon being prosecuted for his … uh… wild sense of humour, and he deserved justice. But in hindsight, I probably should have stuck to defending humans. He was uncooperative, could not focus on the case and was always up to no good.

“And for goodness sake, I never knew how much wild animals stank until I met this guy.”

Looking appreciatively, Hassan said, “Well I’ve only got good things to say about Datuk J. He smells good. He da man.”

“And he da baboon,” said Jahaberdeen, dismissively as he walked off. “Never again.”

Hassan also expressed his deep gratitude to all those who had supported him throughout this ordeal. “First of all, to my wife, sorry. But you’re stuck with me. And to all the bloggers, friends both online and off, Nose4news readers, family and colleagues — thank you. I shall try to keep myself out of trouble from now on.

“No promises though. I am still a baboon.”

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Nose4news editor Hassan Skodeng says sorry for sounding real

HASSAN SKODENG: "Sorry."

KUALA LUMPUR — The editor of Nose4News has apologised to TNB president and CEO, Dato’ Sri Che Khalib Mohd Noh, the staff and stakeholders of Tenaga Nasional Berhad (TNB), along with Nose4News readers and Malaysians in general for making his fake news sound too real.

In a statement read by his lawyer cum occasional punching bag, Leman Keding, Hassan said that he was sorry to have caused such ruckus, and that he didn’t mean to make anyone believe his extraordinarily stinky crap.

“I have been rather naughty, I have to admit,” said Hassan. “In coming up with this rotten piece of doo-doo, I had probably used too many realistic elements, and not concocting enough bullshit to keep the fake news sound fake-ish. Perhaps I should have referred to the TNB president and CEO by his actual alien name, Klathoxx-513, instead of the name he uses on Earth and one he is most known by.

“I formally apologise to Che Khalib, his staff and their family members for this irresponsible writing. TNB is a fine organisation, and every member of TNB works selflessly to keep the nation supplied with electricity.

“To all Malaysians, I also apologise for sounding like I was telling the truth. I wish to clarify that TNB is NOT suing the World Wildlife Foundation (WWF), or anyone, for that matter, for organising the Earth Hour. In fact, TNB fully supports the Earth Hour global project, and any effort to conserve energy.”

Hassan also implores all Nose4news readers to stop believing his lies, no matter how true they sound.

“Apparently all the warnings I placed all over Nose4News that everything on this site is pure fiction, true lies, pure horsecrap and has nothing to do with anybody alive, dead, undead and unalive, are not sufficient to keep everyone disbelieving my bullshit. For that, I am truly sorry.

“I also would like to take this opportunity to further clarify on my previous writings,” continued Hassan regretfully.

“Sabah and Sarawak will NOT be relocated to the peninsular at a cost of RM850 trillion. The world does not have that kind of money.

“Bill Gates did NOT patent the word ‘Fuck’, so everyone may continue using the term without fear of being billed by Microsoft.

“Ultraman did NOT kill an endangered giant crocodile. As far as I know, Ultraman has not killed any benevolent creature, by accident or on purpose. He is a responsible and caring gigantic superhero. Love him to bits.

“Malaysia did NOT enlist Voltron or any other giant robot to help tackle the economic crisis, and the country is also NOT planning to triple the Scenic Bridge.

“And lastly, Asia’s Biggest Loser champion David Gurnani has NOT lost all his weight. Mr Gurnani is still very much not weightless, even if he looks like he is.

“As you can see above, my lies sound very credible. It’s almost like I work at CNN or something. I’m such a bastard.”

Hassan promises to not sound too real in his future articles, and will include bolder and clearer warnings so that his fictional creations will no longer be believed by anyone with a reasonable amount of sensibility and even half-an-ounce of intelligence.

“Again, I’m sorry. I swear, on the name of my mother’s cousin’s uncle-twice-removed, the next time I write, I’ll make it obvious that I’m only bullshitting. And that, is the truth. Really.”

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Squatters disappointed not being able to join Earth Hour

earth-hourKUALA LUMPUR — Squatter communities across the Klang Valley expressed their disappointment with the government today for not providing them with electricity to enable them to participate in the Earth Hour lights-off event on Saturday.

The Earth Hour, in which everyone is asked to switch off their lights for a full hour at 8:30pm local time, was an initiative by a movement based in Sydney, Vote Earth in 2007 which has now grown into a global event. This year, the target was for a billion people across the globe to live in darkness for an hour on March 28.

squatters1

A squatter house in the outskirts of KL

Unfortunately for the squatter communities in Klang Valley and across the nation, the hour passed them by without anyone being able to participate.

“We are sorely disappointed,” said Mat Seman Bidayan, 78, when met at his ramshackle abode today. “It was a global event which everyone in the community had hoped to celebrate. The young ones had started asking us two months ago, ‘When could we have electricity and proper lights so we can switch them off come Earth Hour?’… and we didn’t have the heart to tell them the challenge we’ve had in getting Tenaga Nasional (national power company TNB) to set it up.

“We’ve been writing TNB to give us power for years now, but all our requests have fallen on deaf ears.”

Mat Seman

Mat Seman

Mat Seman said that the community leaders had gone to the TNB headquarters last month to personally plead for electricity supply, in light of the impending Earth Hour event.

“The officers in charge pretty much gave us the same answer: ‘We’ll look into it’, or ‘Your request is being processed’. It’s frustrating,” he said sadly while refilling kerosene into his wicker lamps.

“I mean, we’re not asking for electricity to power TVs or microwave ovens here. We need the power to show our love for the planet.

“What, you think we need it to play XBox or Wii?”

Mat Seman added that now the children of his squatter community are traumatised, having missed such an important global occasion.

“What will they tell their friends at school? While their peers now have the extra confidence and illumination having lived without electricity-powered lights for an hour, our children couldn’t even have the electric lights to switch off. It was indignifying. Our houses were still brightly lit by these blasted oil-lamps while the rest of the world went dark!” he said angrily.

Mat Seman said that the squatter communites have resolved to unite in their fight for electricity.

“We’re beginning our  battle now for next year’s Earth Hour. We’re starting with a web portal, www.wewantpowerforearthhour.com, where everyone who wants electricity-powered lights to switch off can file in their request and petition. Later, we will file our case in the courts to make TNB give us power,” he said.

“The time for pleadings is over. We deserve to be in Earth Hour, and we’ll make damn sure we’ll get it. We’ll show ’em what ‘power’ really means.”

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