Tag Archives: by-election

Bird expert: Kajang by-election winner could go extinct

KUALA LUMPUR — Winning the Kajang by-election could spell political doom for the victor, a leading ornithologist (expert on birds) said today.

According to Dr Bulleau Plëpha, head zoologist the Max Planck Institute for Ornithology, the signs are clearly showing that contesting in the Selangor state constituency was a bad idea, and even if one wins the fight, his career will not take flight.

Cautioning Datuk Seri Anwar Ibrahim (PKR) and anyone else planning to nominate themselves for the N25 ADUN seat, Dr Plëpha said his assessment was based on the fact that the shape of the Kajang constituency is too similar to the dodo bird (Raphus Cucullatus), an extinct flightless bird that was endemic to the island of Mauritius.

RISKY CONTEST: Kajang could spell political extinction to the victor

RISKY CONTEST: Kajang could spell political extinction to the victor

“The similarity just cannot be ignored,” said Dr Plëpha. “Look at them both … Kajang looks like a silhouette of the dodo, looking up to the sky reflecting on its own sad demise. This scientific deduction can only mean one thing — winning the N25 seat will not augur well for the victor’s political ambitions!”

Dr Plëpha added that the dodo’s lack of fear of humans was the reason it was so easy to be captured and killed. “Some people say it was intrepidness that caused the Raphus Cucullatus’ extinction. It had no issues with fraternising with other species which were their own predators. Fearlessness? I’d say it was foolishness!

“And likewise, trying to ‘win’ this dodo-inspired constituency would be an act of foolishness and political suicide!”

The Kajang state seat fell vacant following the resignation of incumbent assemblymen Lee Chin Cheh of PKR on Jan 27. The Election Commission has announced that it would meet on February 5 to discuss the nomination and polling dates. The state seat comprises 38,965 registered voters. At the last general election in May, 2013, the seat saw a voter turnout of 87.9% with 541 spoilt votes. It has 48% Malay voters, Chinese 41%, Indian 10% and others 1%. In the 2013 general election PKR’s Lee garnered 19,571 votes followed by Lee Ban Seng (Barisan Nasional-MCA) with 12,747 votes and Mohamad Ismail (Berjasa) 1,014 votes.

Dr Plëpha offered his advice to interested contenders: “Should you feel the need to contest in that dodo danger-zone, keep your expectations low. It’s not a thriving place for any bird or fowl, what with Kajang being famous for its chicken satay. Your political outlook may just be similar.”

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EC to introduce invisible ink in Kuala Besut by-election

PUTRAJAYA — The Election Commission today announced that the July 24 Kuala Besut by-election will utilise a high-technology invisible ink to ensure a clean and fair voting process.

FAIR & TRANSPARENT: The new invisible ink to be used in Kuala Besut

FAIR & TRANSPARENT: The new invisible ink to be used in Kuala Besut

EC Chairman Tan Sri Abdul Aziz Yusof said the decision was made based on the  post-mortem on the use of the indelible ink in the 13th General Election, which was heavily criticised by several parties for its non-permanency, casting doubt on the electoral integrity. Stressing that the new ink, made from high-grade, permanent invisible pigments of natural origins, would leave no room for doubt, he said that it was chosen to ‘silence the critics’.

“The recently-concluded election was the first time we used indelible ink and admittedly, there were some weaknesses,” said Aziz. “Among them were the ink was easy to be removed, slow to dry and caused difficulties to voters since it could  stain the ballot papers.

“However, we’ve learned from these weaknesses and have taken the necessary steps to ensure this by-election process is air-tight. Unlike the indelible ink used in GE13, the invisible ink we are using in Kuala Besut can never be washed off, no matter how hard you try,” said Aziz confidently.

With an assistant demonstrating the effectiveness and ultra-permanent properties of the ink, Aziz said that the invisibility of the liquid would make it virtually impossible for would-be fraudsters to do their dirty deed.

UNWASHABLE: Aziz's assistant showing her index finger, still clearly marked by the invisible ink

UNWASHABLE: Aziz’s assistant showing her index finger, still clearly marked by the invisible ink

“While in May, those who may have thought about voting twice found it possible to wash off the coloured ink from their fingers, this time, since they won’t be able to see the ‘before-and-after’ effect of any attempted washing, they would never be able to know if they’ve really managed to remove the ink successfully!” declared Aziz, showing his assistant’s clean, untainted index finger to reporters after laboriously scrubbing it with 8 different kinds of soap, cleansers, solvents and lotions. “I ask you now — can you see any difference on this finger from the time it got painted just now?”

Aziz assured the public that the invisible ink, designed to last for at least a week, is halal and completely safe.

“Don’t worry, the ink is both JAKIM and SIRIM certified, it is very safe and would not impede any normal activity. Also, unlike the indelible ink used before, it would not stain your ballot paper or your clothes.”

Answering a question about a statement by Minister in the Prime Minister’s Department Datuk Seri Shahidan Kassim that the indelible ink used in GE13 was actually only food colouring, Aziz said that it was a simple misunderstanding, based on different interpretations of what ‘indelible’ means.

“Well, if you think about it, ‘indelible’ strongly alludes to food,” Aziz explained. “What does ‘deli’ mean? It’s short for ‘delicatessen‘, a place where food is served, and ‘indelible’ simply means [in] here is food [deli], and it is edi[ble]. See? Moreover, the word ‘delicious’ also has ‘deli’ in it, so technically we were right.”

Aziz said that it was crucial for EC to ensure that the process and tools are absolutely tamper-proof.

“We will always do more than what is necessary to make sure everyone is confident in the election results. In fact, in order to further strengthen the process, we have instructed our officers tasked with applying the invisible ink on each voter’s finger to paint clear water on their other 9 fingers, as a ‘placebo’ control mechanism. This way, the voter would never really know which finger had been painted with the actual invisible ink, and would not be able to wash it off,” he said.

“This move will prove to everyone that we are clear and transparent, like the invisible ink.”


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Galas men disappointed Jessica Alba not contesting by-election

GALAS — As the campaigning heated up between Barisan Nasional (BN) and Pakatan Rakyat’s PAS in the state constituency of Galas, Kelantan, a group of men in the area have voiced their disappointment that Jessica Alba was not nominated to contest by either political party.

SYMBOL OF HOPE: Jessica Alba

Sounding sour and dejected, petty trader Hashim Mahmud, 47, said that he was expecting the sizzling hot actress to be fielded in the by-election, to be held on Nov 4.

“Unbelievable. My fellow men and I were really hoping Jessica Alba would contest to be our representative, but apparently the top leaderships of both political divides don’t really listen to us in the grassroots,” said Hashim, as he sipped his kopi-O (kurang manis) at Mek Yah’s coffee stall near town centre. “We had petitioned to both Barisan and Pakatan to put Miss Alba to the forefront, and that we’d all vote for her … but I guess neither side really wants to win.”

“Yeah, I would vote for her in a heartbeat,” said taxi driver Nik Sulaiman Nik Sani, 32, munching on Mek Yah’s delicious currypuff at the next  table. “I mean, I have this deep belief that she would stand by the rights and fight for the welfare of every Galas citizen if she gets elected. Her flawless tan, goddess-like figure and enchanting eyes just tell me that Galas would benefit greatly from this point onwards, and that development would flow in, like her beautiful golden mane. I would vote for her twice if I could. Five times!”

The BN named Gua Musang Umno division secretary Abdul Aziz Yusof as its candidate for the Galas state seat, while PAS is fielding Dr Zulkefli Mohamad in a straight fight by-election, after the death of the incumbent from PAS, Chek Hashim Sulaima, 46, on Sept 27.

“Jessica Alba is the personification of true beauty,” added retiree Lim Chang Man, 66, as he smiled misty-eyed. “She is absolutely and undoubtedly the most gorgeous human being in the world. No, in the universe. Her talent, as showcased in such critically acclaimed masterpieces like Fantastic Four and Sin City is proof that she is the perfect person to represent the residents of Galas.

INVISIBLE BEAUTY: Jessica Alba as Sue Storm in Fantastic Four

“I mean, even when she was Invisible Woman, her inner light still shone brightly, like a beacon of hope for the people. I am so upset she is will not be showing her sexy curves here, campaigning for our votes. Both parties have failed us.”

The 29-year-old California native was said to be the number one choice as candidate for the Galas men, beating the likes of Scarlett Johanssen, Katy Perry and Helen Mirren.

“The rest of them can never come close!” said Hashim, angrily banging his fist on the table, much to the annoyance of Mek Yah, glaring nearby. “Scarlett is hot, but she’s got this air about her, as if she’s above us the regular folks. Helen Mirren’s a bit too senior to understand some of the concerns of the younger voters such as myself, and Katy Perry? Please. While she looks stunning in those candy-coloured rubber mini-dresses, her husband Russel Brand is a liability. He looks like a drug addict! Would you want that kind of negative influence entering your community? Not me!”

The group said that they were considering boycotting the by-election, seeing how visually unstimulating the candidates are.

The men admitted, however, that they still hope that there would be some sort of last minute intervention from any higher powers, which would bring Jessica Alba to Galas.

“Who knows,” said Nik Sulaiman, staring blankly at a picture of the superstar, which he carries with him anywhere he goes. “Maybe somebody up there will see the wisdom of making her our assemblyman. Obviously she’s perfect for the job.

“But obviously many political leaders don’t listen.”


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