Tag Archives: beyonce

Grammy Awards to install anti-Kanye defence system

HOLLYWOOD, CA — Organisers of the 52nd Grammy Awards today announced that they have fully implemented an anti-Kanye West defence system, to avoid any untoward incident similar to the one at the 2009 MTV Video Music Awards, where the singer-songwriter rudely interrupted the acceptance speech by young winner Taylor Swift, claiming that his friend, superstar Beyonce was more deserving of the VMA Best Female Video award.

“I think one occasion where a pretty and innocent girl’s dream gets horribly ruined is enough,” said Allan Silverstein, spokesperson for the National Academy of Recording Arts and Sciences (NARAS), the organisation behind the annual awards show, arguably music industry’s most illustrious event, to be held this weekend. “We all saw the unfortunate and heartbreaking scene when Mr West violently took the microphone from Miss Swift and went about praising Miss Beyonce, and proclaiming that the latter deserved the MVA more. What a jackass.

CRUEL BASTARD: The evil Kanye interrupting sweet and innocent Taylor Swift's victory speech at the 2009 MVA

“Well we’re not about to let him do that again, especially at such an illustrious event. No siree. MTV may have benefited from that cheap and neanderthal display of machismo, but the Grammy Awards is more respectful.”

Silverstein explained that the anti-Kanye West defence system, codenamed “KrushKanye”, involves an extensive use of satellite tracking, biometric security, round-the-clock surveillance and other technologies originally developed to combat urban terrorism.

NO ESCAPE: The satellite tracking system, showing Kanye's real-time location

“We’re taking this very, very seriously, obviously,” said Silverstein, gesturing toward Kanye’s current location on screen. “Mr West is a pretty wily character. He knows we’re tracking him, and has attempted to go under the radar a couple of times.

“But thanks to the global network of military-class satellites and the undisclosed number of agents on the street, Kanye has no hope of escaping, really.

“As you can see here, he’s currently about a kilometre from the Staples Centre, where the event will be held, shown in the map circled in red. The guy’s been sniffing around for any way to get in this weekend, but all his efforts have so far been thwarted. Our security is airtight,” said Silverstein confidently.

“There’ll be a whole lot of very, very important guests at the event, and it is absolutely imperative that destructive and disruptive elements such as Kanye West is not allowed to get anywhere close to ground zero. Both Taylor Swift and Beyonce are again nominated for Record of The Year and Album of The Year, so we’re expecting things to heat up a little. Emotions will run high.

“But we want everyone to keep a lid on their excitement, so that deserving winners will get their chance at the glory on stage, without being cruelly interrupted, and robbed of their moment.

“We will be on our toes. This is the Grammy’s, for God’s sake. We cannot afford to have embarrassing moments at all. No Kanye, no Brüno, no ‘wardrobe malfunctions’. If we’re not careful, we’d have Mr West mooning everybody as Celine Dion’s singing a tribute to Michael Jackson. That’d be disastrous.

AIRTIGHT: Silverstein (standing) showing the multi-million dollar "KrushKanye" system

“Our eyes are everywhere. That slimebucket won’t get within 100 yards from the premises. If he does, our security teams, comprising trained black ops personnel who’ve done time in Iraq and Afghanistan, will turn him away. Whether they’ll do it nicely or by force, that’ll be Mr West’s choice,” said Silverstein, sternly.

“And if — and that’s a BIG if — he still gets through our security net and our multi-million dollar technology, then we’ve got one last weapon to deal with him. I can’t specify here, as it’s all a big military secret.

“But let’s just say satellites aren’t just built to observe from the sky… and the US military has been toying around with intensified ultra-accurate laser cannons the last few years.”

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Mawi honoured to take Beyonce’s place

KUALA LUMPUR — Pop megastar Mawi said he was delighted to be performing in place of US singer Beyonce Knowles, who inexplicably postponed her concert at the Bukit Jalil National Stadium tomorrow.

Calling the opportunity ‘an honour’, Mawi said that he would try to carry Miss Knowles’ songs to the best of his ability, and that he would strive to “bring the Beyonce experience to her fans” in any way possible, including dressing up like her.

MAWI: "You won't be able to tell the difference."

MAWI: "You won't be able to tell the difference."

“When organisers Marctensia approached me to do this, I was shocked, naturally,” said the lad, who rose to instant superstardom after winning the Akademi Fantasia talent search reality show a few years ago. “I thought, they’ve got to be kidding — I mean, Miss B”s music is so different from the kind I usually make. And our performances differ so much.

“But I figured, this was a rezeki to me, and it’s not good to ‘tolak rezeki’ (say no to good fortune), so I took it as a challenge and said ‘yes’.”

Mawi added that he’ll be busy rehearsing for the show the whole day today.

“I’ve got to not only memorise the lines from Beyonce’s latest songs, including that fabulous hit, Halo, but all her dance steps as well,” he said, looking concerned. “But I believe my experience in Akademi Fantasia has taught me how to prepare for a live show in the shortest time. I’ll be ready tomorrow,” as he twirled and shook his booty suggestively.

When asked how he would be dressed and made up to look like Miss Knowles, Mawi said that he wasn’t worried.

“Beyonce and I already share the same facial structure,” he said, pointing to his cheekbones and chin. “And our eyes are equally attractive — although I might add that mine are more luscious.

“So all it takes for me to flawlessly transform into her is a good wig, massive waxing and a hot costume. I mean, I’ve been waiting for the opportunity to show off my delicious cleavage and smooth, silky legs,” Mawi said, winking, probably hinting to his Silky Men spokesperson deal.

When asked what his wife Ekin thought of the Beyonce concert, Mawi said that she was very supportive.

“Initially Ekin was quite sad with her not coming, being a big Beyonce fan and all. But when she heard the news that I was taking the spot at the concert tomorrow, she was ecstatic, almost hysterically happy.

“In fact, I believe she’s still laughing now.”

Catch Mawi, as Beyonce, at the Bukit Jalil National Stadium tomorrow. Gates open at 6pm.

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Beyonce to stay extremely decent for Malaysian concert

The event poster

The event poster

UPDATE: Beyonce has postponed her concert due to ‘personal reasons’. Marctensia spokesperson Siong has confirmed that the reason was that the baju kurung she had ordered two weeks ago could not be ready in time.

KUALA LUMPUR — Organisers of the Beyonce concert scheduled this October 25 at the Bukit Jalil National Stadium have agreed to the Home Ministry’s directive that the American pop superstar ‘remains decent’ throughout her concert. According to Tony Siong, spokesperson for Marctensia, the singer herself, full name Beyonce Knowles,  is “thrilled at the prospect of performing her ‘I am’ World Tour for the Malaysian public, while keeping a close check on the local sensitivities”.

“Miss Beyonce will no doubt be leaving all her skimpy clothes in her native land of sin and evil, America,” said Siong, enthusiastically. “Heaven knows she understands that she cannot be bringing such vile things here and corrupt our pure and innocent youngsters.

“While other event organisers and performers don’t pay much attention to such matters, like how the Satan-worshipping band, Michael Learns To Rock, came to Genting and bared their super-sexy chests and straying the crowd into the path to Hell, we at Marctensia care about the moral state of Malaysians,” he continued. “In fact, the only way we could agree to bring Miss Knowles here was for her to agree to perform without any element of naughtiness or sexiness. And that includes her dance moves, which, we all know, would drive any normal human being to having wild and promiscuous sex.”

Siong added that the un-sexy concert directive would not only cover the singer’s attire and suggestive dance moves, but also her alluring and arousing make-up.

SINFUL: Miss Knowles will be leaving such eye-popping, sex-inducing attire out of her KL performance

SINFUL: Miss Knowles will be leaving such eye-popping, sex-inducing attire out of her KL performance

“Her make-up is dangerous. It’s almost like a prostitute displaying her wares and calling for you to sample the dish. For free. It’s that powerful.

“I’m afraid we cannot let that happen. We have to protect the Malaysian men from suddenly having erotic fantasies as Beyonce bats her long and mascara-ed eyelashes. So it’ll be make-up free that night. In fact, we’re considering other ways to protect the audience from this powerful temptation, perhaps by playing with lights to hide her face, or maybe even get her to sing behind a wall,” said Siong, sternly.

“It goes further.”

“We realise that the sexy part about Beyonce is not just her revealing clothes, curvaceous figure, stunning ‘thunder-thighs’, angelic face, fiery hair and killer gyrating moves. It’s also her voice. It can melt hearts and, honestly, make people have sex, take drugs and commit suicide.

“So we’re taking every step to minimise the damage she could inflict,” said Siong. “We’ll be feeding her microphone input through a digital voice altering processor, so she would sound less sexy.

“The final product would still be essentially ‘Beyonce’, but with a ‘Transformers’ and robotic feel to it, so it’s all still good. And oh yes, there’d also be a two-second delay for the audience to hear it. Minimal disruption, really.

Siong says that he hopes the concert will run smoothly, without problems or sinful things.

“I would advice the audience members to dress accordingly, as we would be conducting dressing checks at the entrance. Show too much skin, and you’ll be denied access. Wear suggestive clothes and you’ll be arrested for counselling sessions. What do you think this is, a sex fest?

“Other than that, have fun!”

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