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Nose4news editor Hassan Skodeng says sorry for sounding real

HASSAN SKODENG: "Sorry."

KUALA LUMPUR — The editor of Nose4News has apologised to TNB president and CEO, Dato’ Sri Che Khalib Mohd Noh, the staff and stakeholders of Tenaga Nasional Berhad (TNB), along with Nose4News readers and Malaysians in general for making his fake news sound too real.

In a statement read by his lawyer cum occasional punching bag, Leman Keding, Hassan said that he was sorry to have caused such ruckus, and that he didn’t mean to make anyone believe his extraordinarily stinky crap.

“I have been rather naughty, I have to admit,” said Hassan. “In coming up with this rotten piece of doo-doo, I had probably used too many realistic elements, and not concocting enough bullshit to keep the fake news sound fake-ish. Perhaps I should have referred to the TNB president and CEO by his actual alien name, Klathoxx-513, instead of the name he uses on Earth and one he is most known by.

“I formally apologise to Che Khalib, his staff and their family members for this irresponsible writing. TNB is a fine organisation, and every member of TNB works selflessly to keep the nation supplied with electricity.

“To all Malaysians, I also apologise for sounding like I was telling the truth. I wish to clarify that TNB is NOT suing the World Wildlife Foundation (WWF), or anyone, for that matter, for organising the Earth Hour. In fact, TNB fully supports the Earth Hour global project, and any effort to conserve energy.”

Hassan also implores all Nose4news readers to stop believing his lies, no matter how true they sound.

“Apparently all the warnings I placed all over Nose4News that everything on this site is pure fiction, true lies, pure horsecrap and has nothing to do with anybody alive, dead, undead and unalive, are not sufficient to keep everyone disbelieving my bullshit. For that, I am truly sorry.

“I also would like to take this opportunity to further clarify on my previous writings,” continued Hassan regretfully.

“Sabah and Sarawak will NOT be relocated to the peninsular at a cost of RM850 trillion. The world does not have that kind of money.

“Bill Gates did NOT patent the word ‘Fuck’, so everyone may continue using the term without fear of being billed by Microsoft.

“Ultraman did NOT kill an endangered giant crocodile. As far as I know, Ultraman has not killed any benevolent creature, by accident or on purpose. He is a responsible and caring gigantic superhero. Love him to bits.

“Malaysia did NOT enlist Voltron or any other giant robot to help tackle the economic crisis, and the country is also NOT planning to triple the Scenic Bridge.

“And lastly, Asia’s Biggest Loser champion David Gurnani has NOT lost all his weight. Mr Gurnani is still very much not weightless, even if he looks like he is.

“As you can see above, my lies sound very credible. It’s almost like I work at CNN or something. I’m such a bastard.”

Hassan promises to not sound too real in his future articles, and will include bolder and clearer warnings so that his fictional creations will no longer be believed by anyone with a reasonable amount of sensibility and even half-an-ounce of intelligence.

“Again, I’m sorry. I swear, on the name of my mother’s cousin’s uncle-twice-removed, the next time I write, I’ll make it obvious that I’m only bullshitting. And that, is the truth. Really.”

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