Category Archives: Science & Technology

Scientists say everything online is true

THE INTERNET: Confirmed as 100% factually correct

FRANKFURT — A group of scientists from various universities in Europe has announced today that everything ever written, posted or uploaded on the internet is one hundred per cent true.

Speaking at a Press conference, University of West Frankfurt head of research Professor Eli Lansing said that the group of 30 scientists, specialising in communications, criminology, psychology, new media technology, physics and several other mildly related disciplines, had completed their exhaustive 8-year study on the contents found on the world wide web last February.

“Frankly we were quite surprised at the results,” said Prof Lansing, as his colleagues nodded in agreement. “Initially when we were commissioned to delve into the extremely vast universe that is cyberspace to find out the level of truthfulness in its contents, our mutual hypothesis was that most of the stuff written online were utter lies, or at least true stories generously embellished with inaccuracies and exaggeration.

PROF LANSING: Advocates trusting the net completely

“But after concluding our study, comprising interviews with online participants, excruciatingly complex supercomputer algorithms and detailed counterchecks with the world’s historical records and libraries, we found that virtually — nay, absolutely — all facts contained on the internet are indeed, true,” said Prof Lansing, matter-of-factly.

“Collectively, we are now advocating accepting everything there is on the net to be undeniable facts,” he continued. “We implore everyone on the planet to abandon and disregard all offline information such as reference journals, encyclopaedias and other such fictitious records, and get your stories online, where no one lies.

“In fact, we won’t be publishing our results in the conventional scientific journals, which everyone knows contain numerous errors and illogical assumptions. We will only publish our findings purely online, specifically, on our newly registered blog, www.theinternetisthetruth.blogspot.com. We want to only tell the truth, and online’s the only way for people to know that we’re not being dishonest.

“We urge everyone to no longer waste any time and effort to check the validity of any hearsay, rumour or story that is found online, because if it is from the net, then it’s naturally the truth,” said Prof Lansing. “Why bother cross-checking with other sources or grow suspicious? When science has proven beyond any reasonable doubt that no one can lie online?

“So, the next time you get a spam mail saying that you’ve inherited 32 billion dollars from a dead banker’s widow in Zimbabwe, you’d better respond immediately or risk losing the money. Imagine your life changing for the better as a billionaire! Or the next time you get a preachy chain email saying that if you don’t forward it to ten people, you’d suffer great misfortune, you’d better hit that forward button quick. Wouldn’t want to die horribly or go bankrupt simply because you’re too suspicious of well-meaning emails. Nobody wants to hurt anyone online, it’s completely safe.

“In fact, we hereby declare the term ‘internet hoax’ non-existent, as the very term is a fallacy. There is no such thing as untrue online content.

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Facebook changes layouts again just to piss off members

PALO ALTO, CA — Facebook, Inc, the firm that owns and operates Facebook, the most used social network by worldwide monthly active users, today announced that the latest change in layout and functionality was designed to piss their users off.

“We were honestly getting tired of having too many members,” said Facebook founder and CEO Mark Zuckeberg at a Press Conference held at the company headquarters. “So we’ve been trying very, very hard to discourage new members from signing up, and make it as hard as possible for current members to go about Facebooking.”

‘Facebooking’? Is there such a word?” asked Sheryl Sandberg, Facebook COO. “Oh well, you’re the founder, I guess you can coin whatever term you want,” she continued, laughing.

Among the notable changes introduced to the site, which brings the company an estimated US$300 million a year, were the re-positioning of the ‘Home’ and ‘Profile’ menu bars, as well as the introduction of new and completely irrelevant icons representing ‘Notification’, ‘Messages’ and ‘Friend Request’. Mostly used applications like games, which appeared at the bottom panel on every Facebook page, now only appears on the ‘Home’ page, on the left column. The Boring Blue theme colour remains unchanged.

ZUCKERBERG: Hopes the new UI will piss people off royally

“We’ve tried so many ways to get rid of users, from introducing different settings that don’t mean anything, to bugging them with annoying apps,” said Zuckerbeg. “What we found was that the best way to piss people off is to change the User Interface (UI) so often, they get confused.”

“Hell, I’m kinda confused with the new layout, bro,” Sandberg interjected. “I was looking for the notification thingy on the bottom left of the screen and it wasn’t there. An hour later I chanced upon it, right by our logo. Impressive.”

“We’ve pissed our users off before,” said Zuckerberg, noting that the last time they changed the UI last year, Facebook’s hotline email was flooded with irrate complaints. “We lost a few thousand members, who decided to go to MySpace and other inferior social network sites. This time around, we aim to lose at least 30 per cent of our 350 million active members.

“We’re just simply tired of all this success,” said the 25-year-old, said to be worth around US$2 billion. “They say ‘money can’t buy happiness’, well I have to second that. Now I spend my days lazing about, doing nothing interesting.

“I just wish I was dirt poor again, before Facebook changed all that. I was happier.”

“On that note, I hope our latest move doesn’t backfire,” said Sandberg. “We’ve had reports of some people being happy with the new UI. Imagine that. Despite all our efforts to spit on their faces, they keep on coming back for more. What the fuck is wrong with them?”

“There’ll always be some sort of masochistic individuals out there, dude,” replied Zuckerberg.

“Maybe we’ll need to start charging them for every status change or photo upload. Then maybe these suckers will stop coming to our site. A buck for a status update, and maybe five bucks for a superpoke.”

“We can’t do that, Mark,” said Sandberg. “We’re trying to get rid of them because we’re making too much money. Charging ’em will just bring us even more money!

“Facebook has become a monster,” added Zuckerberg, sadly. “People are spending more time on it than on real life or doing work. Our creation is slowly eroding productivity everywhere, and has destroyed countless lives,” he said, referring to the divorces caused by inter-Facebook affairs and careless Facebook comments which have led to people being embarrassed, and even fired from their jobs.

“We hope people will get pissed off and leave us. We’re praying so. But there’s only so much we can do.”

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Discovery misses turn, lands in Kg Baru

NASA orbiter Discovery parked behind a stall

NASA orbiter Discovery parked behind a stall

KUALA-LUMPUR — As any driver can tell you, when you’re moving fast on the highway and lose just a little bit of focus, you could easily miss your exit, and you’ll end up having to do a very long U-turn at the next exit. But when you’re hurtling across the sky at 27,875km/h and you lose your focus, you could end up in places much, much further.
Such was the case with the crew of NASA’s space shuttle Discovery, who found themselves right in the middle of Kampung Baru, KL, when pilot Tony Antonelli’s lapse in concentration caused the spacecraft to steer off course while re-entering Earth’s orbit after successfully completing their mission at the International Space Station (ISS).
Originally scheduled to land at the Kennedy Space Centre in Florida today, the 200,000-pound, 122-foot-long reusable spaceship instead touched down along Jalan Raja Abdullah before coming to a full stop behind some nasi lemak stalls at approximately 12.45am yesterday.
“I completely spaced out for a while there — no pun intended,” said Antonelli when met outside the craft. “I was thinking of all the fun we had in the 13-day mission, and kinda lost track of what I was doing. It was an honest mistake, sorry.”
Antonelli: "Sorry."

Antonelli: "Sorry."

Fortunately for the pilot, his crew was not too upset about his gaffe, as he had landed the craft safely despite the cramped Kampung Baru layout and, much to their pleasant surprise, the food stalls and restaurant offering the famous nasi lemak Kampung Baru were still open.
“Let’s just say he couldn’t have mis-landed us anywhere else better,” said Air Force Col. Lee Archambault, commander of the STS-119 mission. “Under normal circumstances, I would’ve flipped at such a goof-up. But seeing how he managed to land the shuttle without incident in a place like this, I’d say all is forgiven. And the supremely delicious nasi lemak was a great first thing to smell back on Earth. Yum!”
Astronaut John Philips, a NASA veteran with more space flight experience than all the other crew combined, shares this view. “Initially I thought, ‘What a schmuck!’, but when the door opened and I saw what greeted us, I thought, ‘Heaven!’
Philips (centre) looking satisfied with his fellow crewmates after a delicious meal at Kg Baru

Philips (centre) looking satisfied with his fellow crewmates Koichi Wakata (left) and Joseph Acaba, after a delicious meal at Kg Baru

 

“I mean, look at the choices of food you’ve got here!” he exuded, stuffing himself with the nasi lemak, otak-otak and other delicacies still sold in the wee hours of the morning. “My wife’s never going to let me eat these stuff, so I might as well take advantage of the situation. The food here is simply divine!”

Colleague Joe Acaba added, “Thirteen days in space eating space ration… I can safely say that I think it’s crap. No human should go into space if food was that bad.

“Now, this however… is priceless,” he said, gorging into a big piece of ayam percik.

Residents around the Kampung Baru area didn’t seem to mind the emergency space shuttle landing.

“Well, we’ve had many foreign visitors before,” said Zaleha Awang, a trader selling fruit juice. “We’ve always welcomed tourists here, and the fact that these people came here on a spaceship doesn’t really matter.

“As long as they remove their vehicle before morning, I figure there’s no real problem,” she continued. “DBKL comes around at about 10am, and the area where they put the shuttle has a yellow line on the side, so it’s strictly no parking. That’s denda RM30, mind you.”

Discovery still in Kg Baru in the morning

Discovery still in Kg Baru in the morning

A visit to the site in the morning saw that Discovery had yet to be moved. NASA spokesperson Robert Wickle said that efforts are under way to bring it back to the US as soon as they can.

 “It’s rather big,” said Wickle in a phonecall to NASA HQ, Cape Canaveral. “Obviously we can’t simply tow it back, there’d be logistical issues.

“One thing we could do is to blast off from there as how we usually do it, but it depends on how the Malaysian government feels about it. We’re still in discussions.”

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Tackling road hogs with Sidewinders

Road hogging frustrates many performance car drivers

Road hogging frustrates many performance car drivers

KUALA LUMPUR — A German company has come up with a perfect solution for drivers fed up with slow-moving vehicles hogging the fast lane — obliterate them out of the way with a guided missile.

Linus Furtwaffe GmbH, a premium auto accessory maker based in Stuttgart, yesterday made available to Malaysian drivers a mini-version of the AIM-9 Sidewinder Air-to-Air Missile (AAM) carried by NATO fighter aircraft and certain helicopter gunships. The 1.3m-long AIM-9RH solid rocket fuel-propelled missile is sold in a set of two, complete with the launch and guidance systems and installation, for RM145,000 per set.

At the launching ceremony, Linus Furtwaffe (M) Managing Director Kenneth How said that the idea for the mini-Sidewinder was conceived by the company’s German founder two years ago after having to tailgate slow-moving trucks on the Autobahn for a full half hour before being able to overtake. “Mr Furtwaffe had to keep his McLaren SLR going 45km/h behind a vegetable truck and a cement mixer hogging both lanes,” said How. “It was then that he wished that he could just ‘blow them out of the way’, and the idea was born.

“A year later, with the help of Ford Aerospace in the US, Linus Furtwaffe launched its first Sidewinder missile for automobiles. The purpose is simple: if drivers of slow-moving vehicles cannot respect the road rule regarding fast lane usage, then perhaps they should be taught some respect.”

How said that the target market for this product are ‘drivers of performance vehicles who are constantly frustrated by fast-lane road hoggers who think they own the bloody road’.

A demo Sidewinder missile being launched from a BMW 5-series

A demo Sidewinder missile being launched from a BMW 5-series

“I think most Malaysian drivers who like to go fast have experienced — nay, endured — this situation, yes?” asked How.

“Taxis, motorcycles, buses and even those tiny little sub-compact cars who go around on the fast lane thinking ‘yes I can, yes I can’, like that toy train in the children’s book as we get stuck behind them moving at snail’s pace,” he said. “We honk, we give them a polite high-beam, we even tailgate dangerously close… and yet they still don’t get it,” How continued, shaking his head.

“Well now, instead of us having our blood boil and cursing to ourselves to no avail, we get to do something effective and change the situation.”
How said that the system is easy to use. “With a push of a button added on the steering wheel spoke, the missile launch system would instantaneously unleash hell upon the target,” he said excitedly. “With over 8 pounds (4 kg) of PBXN-3 explosives in each missile, we can assure you that there woun’t be much left in front of you to slow you down. The target would be vapourised.”
The minimal installation system would only add 120kg to the car's overall weight
The minimal installation system would only add 120kg to the car’s overall weight

How said that installation would be hassle-free and fast.

“We understand how much you love driving you car, so the last thing we want to do is keep your car in our garage for a week or two to fit the system in,” he said. “The AIM-9RH set can be installed in any medium- to large-sized car in under two hours. You can send your loved vehicles in in the morning and have it ready to kill road hogs right after lunch!”
How added that customers can only expect the best of German engineering and service. “Our professional technicians were rigorously trained at the Stuttgart headquarters, to ensure that every missile deployment is a safe one.
“I mean, you wouldn’t want to blow yourself up now, would you?” he joked.
How said that the system was also easy to use, and clients can even reload the missiles on their own.
“Refill missiles are sold at RM25,000 each, and we have ready stock. We want our clients to have fun on the road again, to drive as fast as their machines can afford them — to enjoy the pure spirit of performance driving again,” How said.
“However, just make sure you leave a little bit of distance between your car and the target — flying debris can leave an ugly dent on your hood.”

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Loss of Life main cause of death among males, females

BALTIMORE, MARYLAND — In what many experts are hailing as the discovery of the new millennium, scientists at John Hopkins Hospital have found that the leading cause of death among males and females between the ages of 0 and 120 is Loss of Life (LoL). The stunning results of the 20-year research has put the condition ahead of heart diseases, all types of cancer and even famine or war, as the world’s No.1 killer.

LoL identified as leading cause of death

LoL identified as leading cause of death

“Well, I wouldn’t put LoL at the top of the list of leading causes of death,” said Dr Robert Nebaum, the project’s head researcher at the Press conference announcing the discovery. “That would simply group LoL together with the rest of the causes of death such as heart ailments, cancer, road accidents, gun-related fatalities and whatever else, and that wouldn’t be accurate.

“The truth is, LoL encompasses ALL those ailments, accidents and diseases — all of them merely lead to the onset of LoL, so we’re talking about something far bigger here.”

The research, conducted at the hospital and at a cost of over US$50 million, involved extensive interviews with critical patients and their family members, and covered the journey of each patient as they are admitted to the hospital, until their demise.

“It’s amazing. The results from our research have blown away many misconceptions about what the No.1 killer of the human race is,” said Dr Martha Friedman, a senior researcher who conducted much of the interviews. “We’ve been looking at the wrong places, and blamed the wrong things whenever death occurs. Men, women, old and young, white, black, brown or yellow — we thought diseases were it, you know, that’s the death of us, but as it turned out, Loss of Life has been behind all deaths since like, forever.”

Dr Nebaum with a research participant

Dr Nebaum with a research participant

“This discovery has thrown the medical fraternity upside down,” said Dr Nebaum. “All our beliefs about medicine, healthcare and the medical profession itself would have to be rethought.

“Now, instead of focusing on the minor, secondary causes of death like we used to, we can channel all our resources to fighting Loss of Life in our efforts to minimise death.”
The researchers admit that while their discovery was as phenomenal and important as when DNA codes were unravelled or when antibiotics were discovered, their work had only begun, and they’ve only unearthed the tip of a much bigger find.
“We’ve only just begun exploring this new territory,” said Dr Nebaum. “Yes, we’ve managed to steer the medical world to te right direction, but there’s so much more we need to understand.
“Our next step, after knowing for sure that Loss of Life causes death, is to find out where it goes. I mean, when something is lost, it’s got to go somewhere else, right? So that’s the trick — find out where life goes after we lose it, and maybe find a way to get it back,” he said enthusiastically.
“I tell you, if we get the answer to that question, it’ll be a Nobel Prize for sure.”

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