-PARODY, JOKE, DON’T TAKE THIS SERIOUSLY-
KUALA LUMPUR — In the 2014 Budget announcement, Prime Minister Dato’ Sri Mohd Najib Razak today announced that the Royal Malaysian Police will be be equipped with flotation devices for their firearms, as a corrective and preventive measure in light of the Auditor General revelation that PDRM had lost 44 guns at sea and/or toilets, in addition to misplacing other assets worth RM1.3 million, from 2010 to 2012. Najib said that the government was in the midst of negotiating the deal to purchase 250,000 units of the accessories from a foreign supplier, and that “this would solve the firearms-water incompatibility issues once and for all”.
It was learnt that the flotation device, first used by the US Navy SEALs in water-aplenty locations such as Afghanistan and Iraq, have helped soldiers and enforcement officers reduce weapons loss by as much as 67 per cent. A spokesperson for Hydrophobicon Inc, a US-based weapons manufacturer and one of 3 companies to offer such a device, said that their patented Firearms Flotation Devices (FFDs) would solve the problem of hand-held weapons being dropped in bodies of water, keeping them afloat and able to be retrieved with relative ease. “Using high-tech and high-grade ABS plastics, we’re able to manufacture lightweight and ultra-tough FFDs that can withstand high impact, rough use, in addition to the the occurrence of guns falling off boats, piers and into toilet bowls,” she said. “Our commandos have tested these devices in real combat situations, and the FFDs have proven their worth.
“It’s got GPS, solar- and thermal-power cells, and is also hooked up to social media services such as Facebook, Twitter, Foursquare and G+ to ensure both gun and its user are constantly monitored and connected.”
The PM said that the government takes this issue very seriously, pointing out that lost firearms could fall into the wrong hands, adding to the perception of serious crime levels in the country.
“It’s hard enough to recover missing or misplaced guns on land, given how small and concealable they are,” said Najib.
“But losing firearms in the water? It’s almost impossible to get them back — recovery efforts can be hampered heavily, as water is so wet, and Malaysia has so much water. As such, we are taking preventive measures with the floats, to ensure our guns don’t end up being used by any dangerous water-dwelling creature with criminal intents. Besides, the device’s bright, fluorescent colours would make it virtually impossible to misplace any gun. You simply can’t not notice it.
“The bright, neon colours also would serve as a warning to the bad people to not do bad things. Like how the bright, contrasting stripes of the tiger warns other jungle animals not to mess with it, these futuristic-looking and garang (fierce) guns would scare criminals and inspire them to leave their unsavory lifestyles, become responsible citizens and participate in Nation-building.
“Garang! I like it. Let’s call these new things ‘Garang-guns’!” he exclaimed, as officers took notes.
Additionally, the PM said that studies are also being conducted to see if the same flotation technology can be applied to other assets easily lost such as cars, handcuffs and lockup detainees.