HOLLYWOOD — American Idol season 10 first runner up Lauren Alaina has announced that she will have her revenge against winner Scott McCleery very soon.
Speaking right after the finale show, where McCleery took the title after a nationwide vote, Alaina said that ‘the prick will get it, for sure’.
“Yeah, that’s right. ‘Runner Up’. That’s just another word for ‘ Freaking Loser’,” said the 16 year-old, angrily. “Everyone knows that crown’s supposed to be mine, and not that country bum. MINE!
“I mean, come on! I’ve got more talent and charisma in my middle finger than that Elvis impersonator’s whole body. This is a gross miscarriage of justice,” she added, while flipping the said finger to reporters.
“One thing for sure, I ain’t taking this lying down. If that boring butthead thinks he’ll be enjoying his ‘well-deserved’ win, he’s got another thing comin’,” she continued. “It’s not fair, the world knows it, and I’ll make sure he pays for this humiliation. Oh yeah.”
Alaina then proceeded to describe her elaborate scheme.
“The first thing is to start a psych internet warfare. At this very moment, my cybertroopers have begun planting propaganda materials on that skinny bastard on every known site and possible database. My team — Team Alaina! Woohoo! — had spent the last few months collecting all sorts of dirt on each of the Top 12 for this purpose. Now, it’s time to use it. The world will see what kind of an asshole he is,” she said excitedly, before breaking into a loud, shrieky guffaw. “By the time he’s done, that boy will be wishin’ he’s back in his little town, milkin’ cows, y’all.”
Taking out a poster of the 17-year-old McCreery and tearing it in half, Alaina continued, “And if that doesn’t kill him, we’ll deploy our aerial attacks and smart cruise missile assault campaign. My nuclear submarines and aircraft carrier combat fleet are at Defcon-2 level, parked at the coastline waiting for my orders. All it takes is just me giving the go-ahead and that mo-fo’s toast,” she said, snapping her fingers.
“We all know why he so-called ‘won’, right?” asked the teenager from Georgia. “It’s those stupid tweens, that’s why! Dumbass little schoolgirls who couldn’t tell the difference between real talent and flannel-wearing rednecks with Darth Vader’s voice. They’re the ones who made up the majority of the 100 million voters. Parents gave ’em cellphones to call home, and these morons blow their money on voting for prettyboys.
“Not that I’m saying Scott’s pretty. Ew. He looks like my uncle. And I hate my uncle,” she murmured, breathing heavily while slowly shearing McCreery’s torn poster into little pieces with a hunting knife.
“Anyway, ‘Congrats’, Scottie. Enjoy your five minutes of fame. If I were you, I’d check under my car for anything suspicious before I turn on the engine.”