KUALA LUMPUR — Assholes around the nation now have a place to call home as a group of die-hard assholes successfully registered ANUS, or Assholes National United Society, with the Registrar of Societies today.
“It is truly an historic day for assholes, no matter where,” said Mr Karim Karman, also known as Hensemboy, the group’s spokesperson and co-founding member, in a Press conference attended by representatives from asshole communities throughout Malaysia. “For too long, assholes have been unfairly discriminated against, simply because we’re inconsiderate bastards who only care about ourselves. For far too long, assholes have been the subject of countless jeers and insults, a wholly unfair treatment set upon us, based only on the fact that we’re socially retarded and unable to think about the feelings of other people. Well, today the discrimination stops!
“Do you think it’s fair that we’re treated so badly by the goodie-too-shoes of society simply for our bad treatment of others?” asked Karim, as the rowdy and utterly rude crowd responded with a resounding ‘No, asshole!’. “Is it right to treat us assholes like crap just because we think we’re God’s gift to humanity and the others are scumbags unworthy of attention?
“And is it just to disrespect us, just because we disrespect everyone else?” asked the sales manager known to his colleagues as an overconfident prick, as the audience of more than 100 assholes gave a standing ovation.
“Now, there is a body to champion our rights,” said Karim. “ANUS will make sure that each one of us can behave like complete assholes anywhere and anytime, without the need to apologise. We can be rude, disgusting, disrespectful, crass, self-absorbed, high-handed, big-headed and filled with hot air — all with pride.”
Another ANUS founding member, Jessica Lim, added that the association was not only created to protect the right of assholes, but also to provide support for its members.
“It’s not easy being an asshole,” said Lim, who runs a beauty salon in PJ. “You don’t make or keep many friends when you tell it as it is. When a customer comes into my shop and she’s too ugly for me to fix, I tell her and she gets angry. How like that?
“Even my family is like that. So blardy sensitive. My sister stopped talking to me when I told her her husband is an asshole. I mean, I would take it as a compliment, coming from another asshole. But no, she gets all upset, screaming and kicking, calling me names. It really hurt, coming from your own family.
“So it gets a little bit lonely sometimes, with everybody staying away. It sucks. So now, we assholes can find company in each other within this ass-ociation!” said Lim snickering, unable to hide her assholic glee at the pun.
Karim said that while the registration with the ROI had him listed as pro-tem president and the exco made up of the forming committee, the first thing he would do would be to hold an exco election.
“It’s not a very assholic thing to do, I admit,” he said, matter-of-factly. “The correct way, if I want to be a complete asshole about it, is to not only hold on to this position, but to consolodate my powers like a power-crazy bastard, abuse all democratic processes just to line my own pocket, and overstay my welcome for as long as I can. But this association is more important than my own assholic interests. I can’t let my pride and selfishness kill the group before it even began, now, can I?”
Lim added that unlike many other associations, parties and organisations, ANUS is probably the most equal-opportunity entity to have been created.
“Think about it. We’re not based on colour, sex, age, nationality, political inclination or whatever. You just have to be an asshole to be eligible for membership,” she said. “And the great thing about assholes is this: everybody’s got one.”