WOLFVILLE, NOVA SCOTIA — Scientists here believe they have resolved the long-running debate regarding who was sexier, the shrimp or the squid.
In a statement read by the head of Oceanology Department, University of Nova Scotia, Prof Herbert Langston, the group of scientists have unanimously agreed that prawns, or Litopenaeus vannamei, are “way cooler and sexier” than squids, or Sepioteuthis lessoniana.
“After extensive and laborious research and statistical analysis, ratified by five independent auditors, we can conclusively deduct that prawns ooze much more sex appeal than squids, whether they’re giants or tiny regular ones,” said Prof Langston at the Press conference announcing the findings. “The notion that squids oozes sex appeal at all is now a fallacy. We found that the only thing they ooze is ink.”
The research, which took 2 years to complete in the cold waters off Eastern Canada, costing approximately 4.5 million Canadian dollars, was initiated to put an end to the often violent debate between the two camps. The bitter row has, in the last 50 years alone, engulfed many communities around the region and costed the lives of countless innocent prawns and squids. The scientists applied numerous techniques of research to come to the conclusion, including focus groups involving other marine species, online surveys and DNA laboratory studies.
“We are thankful that, during the process of the research, there were no untoward incidents or any attempts by either side to influence the outcome,” added Prof Langston. “Both species and their supporters have the same ideal in mind — which is to seek peace and closure to the tragic conflict. It is hoped that this finding will put to rest the argument over which species was more sexy. The prawn is indeed, da bomb.”
A representative of the prawns, when interviewed at the colony, expressed his extreme happiness at the result.
“We have truly been vindicated!” said Mr Udanga Sbalikbatu, excitedly. “What we have believed for eons, engrained in our culture and taught for generations, have been proven scientifically true. Take that up your shell-less ass, squids! Finally, our race, from common prawns to lobsters, can hold our heads up high in pride of our sexiness.
“At least we have heads!” said Sbalikbatu, laughing, in reference to their notion that squids don’t really have proper heads.
“We plan to hold global rallies to celebrate this momentuous day and our uber-sexuality, with squid-effigy burning ceremonies and wild sex parties all over. To my prawn brothers, keep your shells shiny and your eyes on the @Prawnsexy twitter account and my facebook for updates.
“Squids not invited, haha!”
Meanwhile, the mood at the squid headquarters was a sombre one. Head of the squid camp Henrietta Calamari said that the species will be challenging the result of the University of Nova Scotia research.
“You bet your filthy crustacean ass we’ll fight this!” said Calamari angrily, tentacles swishing violently and big eyes red from fury. “We’ve got grace, we move nymph-like and glow throughout the ocean’s depths. What’s not sexy about that?
“And what do prawns have? Just stupid shells, spindly bug-like legs and antennae too long for their own good. They’re freaks!” huffed the cephalopod, squirting ink to express her disgust. “While we squids — all 300 subspecies of us — dance in the water beautifully, mucus-covered bodies glistening in the night light, those crab-wannabes trudge awkwardly across the ocean floor, and dare to call that swimming! What the hell is so sexy about that? It’s preposterous!
“You know what they call the land and air version of prawns? Insects! They sure as hell are far from alluring!”
Calamari said that the squid society’s legal team will be taking the case to The Hague for arbitration to settle the issue once and for all.
“How do we know the research was fair and objective? For all you know the prawns might have gone under the table, influencing the scientists to tilt the results in their favour. Because honestly, saying that prawns are sexier than this bod, simply doesn’t make sense,” said Calamari, shaking her finned conical butt (or head, depending on current orientation). “Heck even that one bone in my body has more sex appeal than all the prawns, lobsters and crabs put together.
“We’ll see what an international court has to say about this travesty of justice,” said Calamari, before she jet away in a puff of black ink.