KL folk miss bad KL air

LUBUK MERBAU, KEDAH — It was another dreadful day for Mohd Khalis Bakar, 31, as he woke up at his parents’ old wooden house by the lush paddy fields, where coconut trees that reach into the sky sway in the northern winds. The moment he took in his first breath of fresh air for the day, his heart sank and his lungs constricted painfully.

HELL FOR KL-FOLK: Blue skies, clean and crisp air

Mohd Khalis, like many other KLites back for the Hari Raya Aidilfitri balik kampung, is struggling to get used to the clean, fresh air, found aplenty in the rural areas.

“I thought I was going to die,” complained the father-of-three. “It’s hard on my lungs, really. The air here has way too much oxygen levels, it’s suffocating. My body is finding it difficult to cope with the cool, pure and absolutely clean air. It’s horrible,”  he added, stroking his chest as he wheezed softly.

“Don’t get me wrong,” he added, whispering, either to prevent his old parents from hearing, or simply out of breath. “I do love my kampung, and I do enjoy bringing my wife and kids back to see their relatives for Hari Raya, to keep our ties of silaturrahim tight and all.

“However, while my heart enjoys these balik kampung trips, my lungs miss the pollutant-ridden, smog-filled excuse of breathable air of KL. I can’ take this!”

His view is shared by his wife of five years, Nina, who hails from Klang.

“The first time Abang Khalis brought me back to his parents’ kampung, I felt like jumping out of the moving car,” she said, frowning. “At first, when the fresh, clean air entered the air-conditioning system of the car, I thought there was something wrong with the system. I asked him if there could be some foreign de-contaminant entering the car air-con inlet or something. But when we stopped to check, and I breathed in the outside air, I felt this sharp, cold sting piercing every inch of my lungs, as if there were tiny knives stabbing me. I was shocked. I’m from Klang, where ‘blue skies’ meant a ‘blue-ish tint of grey’, not this ghastly and obscenely actual blue sky. My body was momentarily paralysed by this purity.”

Mohd Khalis interjected, “Yeah, she almost didn’t want to marry me!”

The couple admitted that over the years, they have grown somewhat accustomed to the near-zero pollution air.

“We had to train our bodies, back in KL, to prepare for our balik kampung trips,” said Mohd Khalis. “I cut down on my smoking, and occasionally went for jogs in the forest reserves in the outskirts of Ampang.”

“But we’re still struggling, though,” said Nina. “I mean, we really, really miss the bad air our bodies are used to. We miss all the toxic and highly concentrated levels of carbon monoxide, sulphur and the nauseous mix of other debilitating gasses found in KL air. It’s been four days in the village, and our kids are still suffering. They’ve lost appetite, energy and are moody all the time.”

Mohd Khalis added, “We do find respite once in a while, even here in Lubuk Merbau. My dad’s old tractor still runs, and when my folks aren’t around, I take my wife and kids to inhale the diesel smoke. It’s not the real deal, but it’s close. And we do huddle behind the outhouse at night, smoking and enjoying the beautiful mixture of toilet scents and tobacco smoke. Simply divine!”

Mohd Khalis said that they’re really looking forward to going back to the city in two days’ time.

“The first place we’ll go to get our bodies back in shape is the Puduraya bus terminal. We’re going to camp out there, immersing ourselves in the crud-filled, tar-laden fumes. Whoa, that place is the centre of good ol’ bad air. We can’t wait!”

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10 Comments

Filed under National News

10 responses to “KL folk miss bad KL air

  1. Quj

    Mr. Mohd Khalis Bakar is going to be very disappointed when he finds out that Puduraya is still closed for renovation.

  2. Excellent write, a look at life that almost made you believe in the divinity of “the beautiful mixture of toilet scents and tobacco smoke” errkk LOL and WOW!!!! A must read for city folks. I instantly fell in love with Lubuk Merbau!
    Congratulations En Mohd Khalis!

  3. Oliver

    Look man, I know you’re caught up in loads of shit, but please could you do 2 things, please:

    1. Don’t moderate comments
    They’re honestly funnier than your articles, purely cos slapstick is directly correlated with stupidity, and you are just not stupid enough. Sorry, man.

    2. Keep writing shit
    Never thought I’d find a Malaysian parody blog, Amir Muhammad had a short run with the NST some years back, but this is something else. Sublime humour.

    A word on stuff: Its amazing how we live with people who don’t understand the meaning of humour and free speech, I read comments saying how big of a shithead you are for ‘insulting Che Khalib(?)’s kids’ and stuff like ‘there are things you shouldn’t write about’. Maybe you should just hide behind the guise of anonymity by starting a local version of The Onion. You’d be the editor, and accept contributions, franchise that shit. Waddya say man. Get Rais in on this shit too, cos we all need crazy old guys.

    And btw, if you’re lawsuit doesn’t get dropped, I’m starting a protest man. Politics is not worth marching for, but humour is. Oo and Bernama is starting a parody section: http://www.bernama.com/bernama/v5/newsgeneral.php?id=527104

    Kind regards.

  4. C++

    Hahaha… good article indeed…

    Yup… Puduraya is still the “numero uno” for providing the best of the best polluted air for mankind… especially at the basement area… hehehe

  5. the real Che Mohd Khalis Bakar

    this is….. all lies… i never said i’ve cut down smoking……and….hmmmm jogging? never…. merentas desa masa sekolah dulu adalah…. see you in court…….

  6. That’s it! Imma leave my kampung tmrow.. Ughh! I Can’t stand the green scenery here. And the river, it’s too damn clean i tell ya! I can see disgusting fish swimming in it.. Yuck! I miss the good ol’ Sungai Klang.. =(

  7. Nice, what a way to depict KLians. Lol… liking your post more and more

  8. slut_melaka

    hehe..im gona take a 1st flight to kl tomorrow…sick of this greenish look in kampung already…vomit…

  9. miv

    you are absolutely right. we balik kampung just about 2 hours and come back to town, even the travelling to and fro took longer hours than staying!

  10. Careful man. Puduraya may just sue you for calling them polluted. *snicker*

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