Scientists say everything online is true

THE INTERNET: Confirmed as 100% factually correct

FRANKFURT — A group of scientists from various universities in Europe has announced today that everything ever written, posted or uploaded on the internet is one hundred per cent true.

Speaking at a Press conference, University of West Frankfurt head of research Professor Eli Lansing said that the group of 30 scientists, specialising in communications, criminology, psychology, new media technology, physics and several other mildly related disciplines, had completed their exhaustive 8-year study on the contents found on the world wide web last February.

“Frankly we were quite surprised at the results,” said Prof Lansing, as his colleagues nodded in agreement. “Initially when we were commissioned to delve into the extremely vast universe that is cyberspace to find out the level of truthfulness in its contents, our mutual hypothesis was that most of the stuff written online were utter lies, or at least true stories generously embellished with inaccuracies and exaggeration.

PROF LANSING: Advocates trusting the net completely

“But after concluding our study, comprising interviews with online participants, excruciatingly complex supercomputer algorithms and detailed counterchecks with the world’s historical records and libraries, we found that virtually — nay, absolutely — all facts contained on the internet are indeed, true,” said Prof Lansing, matter-of-factly.

“Collectively, we are now advocating accepting everything there is on the net to be undeniable facts,” he continued. “We implore everyone on the planet to abandon and disregard all offline information such as reference journals, encyclopaedias and other such fictitious records, and get your stories online, where no one lies.

“In fact, we won’t be publishing our results in the conventional scientific journals, which everyone knows contain numerous errors and illogical assumptions. We will only publish our findings purely online, specifically, on our newly registered blog, www.theinternetisthetruth.blogspot.com. We want to only tell the truth, and online’s the only way for people to know that we’re not being dishonest.

“We urge everyone to no longer waste any time and effort to check the validity of any hearsay, rumour or story that is found online, because if it is from the net, then it’s naturally the truth,” said Prof Lansing. “Why bother cross-checking with other sources or grow suspicious? When science has proven beyond any reasonable doubt that no one can lie online?

“So, the next time you get a spam mail saying that you’ve inherited 32 billion dollars from a dead banker’s widow in Zimbabwe, you’d better respond immediately or risk losing the money. Imagine your life changing for the better as a billionaire! Or the next time you get a preachy chain email saying that if you don’t forward it to ten people, you’d suffer great misfortune, you’d better hit that forward button quick. Wouldn’t want to die horribly or go bankrupt simply because you’re too suspicious of well-meaning emails. Nobody wants to hurt anyone online, it’s completely safe.

“In fact, we hereby declare the term ‘internet hoax’ non-existent, as the very term is a fallacy. There is no such thing as untrue online content.

13 Comments

Filed under Science & Technology, World News

13 responses to “Scientists say everything online is true

  1. Lufkin

    Oh shitt!!!

    I just read bout the 2012 theory i the internet, it’s the truth!! we all gonna die!! repent everyone.. repeeeent!!~~

    (pfffttt… hahahalolollgwahhahuhuhu)

  2. SJ

    Ah! wonderful…the trees are rejoicing!! The tree fairies and all tree dwelling creatures can finally have that celebratory party now!!

    Kudos on this remarkable piece of reporting – you have indeed opened our eyes!

    The TRUTH is in here!

    bwahahahahaha! *evil grin*😉

  3. zwano

    yes, internet is the truth.

    it never lies

    it never sleeps

    it sometimes hang

    and edited or blocked by “individuals” to hide the lies that are behind the truth.

    internet is an honest tool nonetheless.

  4. goodboy

    can’t believe they made u take out TNB one. did they make u or u did it to avoid trouble?
    it’s a pity either way..

    • nose4news

      Nope, TNB didn’t make me take it out. I removed it because the reaction was getting out of control, full of hate and anger, and since the purpose of my writing is for fun and just a little laugh, it didn’t seem right to perpetuate it.

      Either way, to those who got angry, a big, fat apology goes out to you. My bad. To those who had expressed support for the post: a big, fat thanks. Keep on laughin’.

  5. ryh

    damn it! im quitting my college studies now!.. who needs lecturer when u have the internet..

  6. lol… i’m counting all the $$ from Zimbabwe n such that i’ve forfeited… sure i have more $$$ than Malaysia then..

  7. izcuje

    awesome. time to lay claim to all those innet lottery wins.

  8. The internet is my teacher, Hassan is my guru

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