Anti-drug agency launches non-haram feline unit

FEARSOME FELINE: One of the new AADK recruits

KUALA LUMPUR — Agensi Anti Dadah Kebangsaan, or AADK, today launched its elite feline unit, to help combat the growing dadah scourge in the country while respecting the right of drug dealers to stay pure and clean. The national anti narcotics agency, operating directly under the Home Ministry, announced that the unit was formed in line with the government’s efforts to be sensitive to all communities.

“We began the feline project after receiving numerous complaints from Muslim drug dealers that they had to samak (Islamic cleansing ritual) themselves after being taken down by our K9 unit dogs during drug busts,” said AADK DG Datuk Abdul Bakir Zin at the Press conference held after the launch at the agency’s Putrajaya office. “We realised how insensitive it was for us to let some of these criminals come into contact with such an unclean and haram animal, so we had to think out of the box.”

Bakir said that initially, the agency has procured five felines trained in drug-sniffing from Germany, and would add more as the need arises.

BAKIR: AADK sensitive to drug dealers' needs

“These felines have been trained to not only track the conventional, more widely trafficked drugs such as cocaine, heroin and ganja,” said Bakir, smiling, as he cuddled one of the new recruits, a 3-year-old male beige Maine Coon named Tigris. “They’re also able to sniff out the latest varieties out there, such as opioids, hallucinogens, anabolic steroids and other designer drugs.

“Not many people know this, but cats have as many smell-sensitive receptors in their noses as do most dogs. We humans have 5 million, but little Tigris here has over 200 million!” he exclaimed, stroking its wonderfully soft belly.

“He’s cute, isn’t he?” added Bakir. “But don’t let his adorable looks fool you. His mandibles and claws can bring a grown man down.

“The moment he and his furry friends get an order to attack a drug dealer, there’ll be no place to run or hide.”

EFFECTIVE & CUDDLY TOO: A 'drug dealer' being taken down by Minah, AADK's latest addition

Bakir then proceeded to demonstrate the new unit’s effectiveness. A female trainer, who trained the cats in Germany, stuffed in her jacket a very small amount of ganja and pretended to be a drug trafficker. Upon receiving the order, Minah, a 4-year-old orange-and-white mixed breed, quickly and effortlessly tackled the ‘dealer’ with such ferocity that she ‘surrendered’ immediately.

“As you can see, the new felines can do everything the K9 unit can, and 100% halal to touch too,” said Bakir, proudly.

“So now, drug traffickers from all religious backgrounds can rest easy, knowing that they’ve got these new, clean and cuddly agents chasing after them. Muslim traffickers would be happy that they don’t have to samak after being taken down, while non-Muslim drug dealers would be pleased to know that AADK is very fair and does not discriminate based on race or religion.”

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5 Comments

Filed under National News

5 responses to “Anti-drug agency launches non-haram feline unit

  1. my love towards cats would blind me to become a drug dealer? LOL

  2. Melissa

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    haha, thanks again for the laughs! and please do keep ’em coming 😀

  3. SJ

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  4. uhuhuhuhu

    lawak bengong,,,hahaha

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