UPDATE: Beyonce has postponed her concert due to ‘personal reasons’. Marctensia spokesperson Siong has confirmed that the reason was that the baju kurung she had ordered two weeks ago could not be ready in time.
KUALA LUMPUR — Organisers of the Beyonce concert scheduled this October 25 at the Bukit Jalil National Stadium have agreed to the Home Ministry’s directive that the American pop superstar ‘remains decent’ throughout her concert. According to Tony Siong, spokesperson for Marctensia, the singer herself, full name Beyonce Knowles, is “thrilled at the prospect of performing her ‘I am’ World Tour for the Malaysian public, while keeping a close check on the local sensitivities”.
“Miss Beyonce will no doubt be leaving all her skimpy clothes in her native land of sin and evil, America,” said Siong, enthusiastically. “Heaven knows she understands that she cannot be bringing such vile things here and corrupt our pure and innocent youngsters.
“While other event organisers and performers don’t pay much attention to such matters, like how the Satan-worshipping band, Michael Learns To Rock, came to Genting and bared their super-sexy chests and straying the crowd into the path to Hell, we at Marctensia care about the moral state of Malaysians,” he continued. “In fact, the only way we could agree to bring Miss Knowles here was for her to agree to perform without any element of naughtiness or sexiness. And that includes her dance moves, which, we all know, would drive any normal human being to having wild and promiscuous sex.”
Siong added that the un-sexy concert directive would not only cover the singer’s attire and suggestive dance moves, but also her alluring and arousing make-up.
“Her make-up is dangerous. It’s almost like a prostitute displaying her wares and calling for you to sample the dish. For free. It’s that powerful.
“I’m afraid we cannot let that happen. We have to protect the Malaysian men from suddenly having erotic fantasies as Beyonce bats her long and mascara-ed eyelashes. So it’ll be make-up free that night. In fact, we’re considering other ways to protect the audience from this powerful temptation, perhaps by playing with lights to hide her face, or maybe even get her to sing behind a wall,” said Siong, sternly.
“It goes further.”
“We realise that the sexy part about Beyonce is not just her revealing clothes, curvaceous figure, stunning ‘thunder-thighs’, angelic face, fiery hair and killer gyrating moves. It’s also her voice. It can melt hearts and, honestly, make people have sex, take drugs and commit suicide.
“So we’re taking every step to minimise the damage she could inflict,” said Siong. “We’ll be feeding her microphone input through a digital voice altering processor, so she would sound less sexy.
“The final product would still be essentially ‘Beyonce’, but with a ‘Transformers’ and robotic feel to it, so it’s all still good. And oh yes, there’d also be a two-second delay for the audience to hear it. Minimal disruption, really.
Siong says that he hopes the concert will run smoothly, without problems or sinful things.
“I would advice the audience members to dress accordingly, as we would be conducting dressing checks at the entrance. Show too much skin, and you’ll be denied access. Wear suggestive clothes and you’ll be arrested for counselling sessions. What do you think this is, a sex fest?
“Other than that, have fun!”