Tobacco industry welcomes World No Tobacco Day

NEW YORK — The tobacco industry has lauded the move to celebrate ‘World No Tobacco Day’ this coming Sunday, saying that ‘it has always been their goal to eliminate tobacco from the planet’, and that it was glad the world is finally joining the initiative.

Volunteers helping to smoke tobacco outside the Philip Morris HQ

Volunteers helping to smoke tobacco outside the Philip Morris HQ

“Why do you think we’ve been trying to get people to smoke cigarettes, really? It’s to burn every single tobacco leaf that grows on the planet, that’s why,” said Louis C. Camilleri, Chairman and Chief Executive Officer of Philip Morris International, one of the biggest producers of cigarettes in the world. “Tobacco is evil, that’s why we need every single human being to help our cause to burn them into extinction.”

Philip Morris owns and sells 7 of the top 15 cigarette brands in the world and earns an estimated US$30 billion in revenue per year. Among the more popular ones include Marlboro, and L&M.

“We’ve been severy misunderstood all this while,” continued Camilleri. “We discovered that tobacco was bad for health a long time ago, so we started our campaign to eradicate the plant. However, we found that it was virtually impossible to fight tobacco on our own. That was why we enlisted the help of regular people to smoke tobacco out, and burn it away. But people keep thinking we’re doing it for the money. That cannot be farther than the truth.

“We realized that only with the puff of every single responsible human being, can we finally be rid of this evil plant,” he added, while crushing a tobacco leaf with his bare hand as a demonstration of his disgust for the plant of the genus nicotiana. “And hopefully, with important dates such as May 31’s World No Tobacco Day, more people will join us to smoke and kill this fiendish plant.”

Camilleri’s views are echoed by Philip Morris’s competitor, London-based  British American Tobacco Plc (BAT), which produces brands such as Dunhill, Kent, Lucky Strike and B&H.

“It’s still a long battle, I must say,” stated Jan du Plessis, Chairman of BAT. “It’s been a long road, yes, but the mission is far from over.

Jan du Plessis: "There is still hope."

Jan du Plessis: "There is still hope."

“Where ever you go, you’d still be able to find tobacco farms sprouting like mushrooms. It’s alarming, really. I keep on thinking to myself, ‘are we doing enough?’ I sometimes am frustrated by the trend in tobacco growing. With so many of the world’s population helping us to burn this scourge out, we still keep on seeing the plants. It’s horrid! I felt like giving up many, many times.

“But somehow, my hope is restored whenever I see an innocent child light up a cigarette so selflessly, it reminds me that for every tobacco plant that sprouts from the earth, a new soul is born to take up the fight. It brings tears to my eyes.

“So I say, come this Sunday, let us all join hands and light up a pack or two. The more, the better. It may hurt the lungs, blacken your teeth and shorten your life span, but know in your hearts that we’re doing this for our children’s future.

“Say YES to a Tobacco-Free World!” he yelled, as he threw cartons of Dunhill at journalists.

1 Comment

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One response to “Tobacco industry welcomes World No Tobacco Day

  1. maddy

    jan du plessis was later diagnosed with gangrene and lung cancer.
    “this wont stop me! i’ma keep going on to fight my own battle! owshit!! this is our battle!koff!! koff!!khaktuih!”; he shouted to the reporter while chewing tobacco

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