PORTLAND, OREGON — A die-hard Transformers fan succumbed to his horrific internal injuries after an unsuccessful attempt at transforming into a semi truck yesterday.
Matt Screener, 22, had decided to contort his body to resemble how lead character Optimus Prime would transform. Unfortunately for the unemployed young man, his body was not fully equipped to go through the complex set of animation needed to change into an 18-wheeler, red-and-blue Peterbilt truck which Prime would casually morph into in the upcoming Transformers: Revenge of The Fallen, the sequel to the mega-successful Transformers in 2007.
“The poor boy’s body failed him,” said Sgt Jared Smith, the officer in charge of the investigation into the bizarre death. “His lungs and heart basically collapsed after being crushed and punctured by his own ribcage. At the same time, his bile flowed into his brains after his stomach was compressed when he morphed his legs to look like Prime’s back wheels. Poor sod, that would’ve been a painful way to go.
“It’s a pity, really. I’m a huge fan of the franchise too, but could never imagine doing something like this, transforming into his robot hero. Hats off to the guy.”
Lisa Screener, the victim’s younger sister who discovered the body upon returning from high school, said that her brother had told her ‘he was going to be Optimus’, but she only thought he was going to don the Optimus Prime mask and annoy everyone as he would usually do.
“We know he was a big, big fan. He went around saying that the Transformers were the answer to every problem in the world, so when he told me he was going to transform, I thought, ‘here we go again, stupid Tranny‘,” said Lisa. “I mean, who in their right minds would want to contort their body like a morphing robot?
“My dumbass brother, evidently.”
Screener’s obsession with the franchise, especially the Autobot leader, was well-known among his many friends. All three of them agreed that he ‘was totally nuts about the Transformers’.