Transformers fan dies while transforming into truck

A 'transformed' Screener, as found by his sister

A 'transformed' Screener, as found by his sister

PORTLAND, OREGON — A die-hard Transformers fan succumbed to his horrific internal injuries after an unsuccessful attempt at transforming into a semi truck yesterday.

Matt Screener, 22, had decided to contort his body to resemble how lead character Optimus Prime would transform. Unfortunately for the unemployed young man, his body was not fully equipped to go through the complex set of animation needed to change into an 18-wheeler, red-and-blue Peterbilt truck which Prime would casually morph into in the upcoming Transformers: Revenge of The Fallen, the sequel to the mega-successful Transformers in 2007.

“The poor boy’s body failed him,” said Sgt Jared Smith, the officer in charge of the investigation into the bizarre death. “His lungs and heart basically collapsed after being crushed and punctured by his own ribcage. At the same time, his bile flowed into his brains after his stomach was compressed when he morphed his legs to look like Prime’s back wheels. Poor sod, that would’ve been a painful way to go.

“It’s a pity, really. I’m a huge fan of the franchise too, but could never imagine doing something like this, transforming into his robot hero. Hats off to the guy.”

Lisa Screener, the victim’s younger sister who discovered the body upon returning from high school, said that her brother had told her ‘he was going to be Optimus’, but she only thought he was going to don the Optimus Prime mask and annoy everyone as he would usually do.

“We know he was a big, big fan. He went around saying that the Transformers were the answer to every problem in the world, so when he told me he was going to transform, I thought, ‘here we go again, stupid Tranny‘,” said Lisa. “I mean, who in their right minds would want to contort their body like a morphing robot?

“My dumbass brother, evidently.”

Screener in a photo taken a year ago
Screener in a photo taken a year ago

Screener’s obsession with the franchise, especially the Autobot leader, was well-known among his many friends. All three of them agreed that he ‘was totally nuts about the Transformers’.

“We all bought the toys. Some of us even had our action figures repainted to accurately resemble the characters in the movie,” said Josh Wilburn, a childhood buddy. “And we’re all really excited about the new movie coming out, but we never expected him to resort to this.”
Another friend, Luther Lim, said that he had suspected that something was going to ‘go wrong’ when Screener began showing erratic behaviour and signs of over-obsession when it comes to the characters.
“He was getting a bit too defensive when we talked about the movie. He couldn’t take it if any of us said something critical of the film, like how I thought Bumblebee was weird as a Camaro. He beat me up for that,” said Lim, rubbing his cheek. “And while most of our glasses got fogged up looking at actress Megan Fox in those sizzling hotpants, he was drooling over Prime. We got a bit worried then.
“And now our worries have turned true.”
Screener’s mother, when met at the coroner’s office, said that she regretted ‘buying her son all those expensive toys’.
“This is the price of commercialisation!” said Meredith Ann Screener, in between angry sobs. “I’ve read that toymakers and film studios always seem to place profits above safety, but I never believed it.
“And now, my baby’s paid the ultimate price for loving the franchise.”
In a statement released by the victim’s family, the funeral would be held tomorrow, at the local cemetery.
“We’ve got a special Optimus Prime casket for Mattie, just as he would have liked it. He died wanting to be Prime, and we’ll make sure he goes to Heaven as Prime,” said Meredith.
“On his tombstone, we’ll inscribe the only line fitting for him: More Than Meets The Eye.”

3 Comments

Filed under World News

3 responses to “Transformers fan dies while transforming into truck

  1. ResidentAlien

    I can’t get enuf of your postings. Wish you’d include a link to where the “news” originated from. Thanks for starting my morning with a laugh…

    • nose4news

      Thanks. Unfortunately, putting a ‘link’ to the news source would mean drilling a hole in my head and hooking a USB to my ear. The crap’s all me, dude. heh. Glad to make your mornins.🙂

  2. maddy

    no matter how many time i read this i’m still laughing. damn, i’d better get to work..

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