HANOVER – German supergroup heavy metal band Scorpions lead vocalist Klaus Meine was sued by his right ear today, in what legal experts are calling the first ever “self-anatomy class-action lawsuit” in the world. The lawsuit, filed by the outer-, middle- and inner-parts of Meine’s right auditory bodypart, claims “prolonged and intolerable suffering caused by excessive and outdated style of singing” by the 60-year-old frontman, and is asking for €3 million in damages.
Filing the suit at the Hanover District Court this morning, the attorney for Meine’s right ear — a collection of individual ear parts such as the cochlea, vestibulocochlear nerve, auditory ossicles, tympanic membrane, eustachian tube, helix, tragus and lobule — said that for the last 4 decades, his clients have “endured contless days and nights of excruciating pain, listening to Meine’s shrieking wail”.
“No body part should have to go through what Mr Meine’s right ear went through,” said Sebastien Kempf, senior partner at Blanchard Kempf LLM. “From daybreak till the wee hours of the morning, it’s an unbearable noise pollution. While an ordinary human conversation would rate at only 60 decibles (dB), we’re talking about over 120dB of noise here, equivalent to a jet plane taking off at a hundred yards! And while you and I are buffered by distance, Mr Meine’s right ear could not, and still cannot afford such luxury.
“Tell me, how can any ear stand such torture for such a long time, and not take action?”
It is believed that the decision to sue Meine was taken by his right ear after negotiations to reach an amicable solution, started over a year ago, had failed.
“All we asked for is a comfortable situation where he (Meine) can go on with his singing — if that’s what you call it — and we, his ceaselessly loyal ear components, are free from pain. That’s all. A little peace and quiet once in a while,” said Meine’s right ear cochlea, apparently agitated, when contacted over the phone. “And what does he do? He screams expletives to us, cursing us to ‘shut the frankfurter up’. Now, wouldn’t you be hurt?”
Meine’s right cochlea’s views are shared by the vocalist’s tympanic membrane, also known as the ear drum.
“Oh my God, you have no idea how painful it is, getting hit by such unholy noises, and having done it for 40 years plus (referring to Meine’s singing career),” said the eardrum. “The guitar, drums and the crowd noise at the concerts are noisy, but I could still stomach it. But his shrieking and wailing voice? That’s where I drew the line.
“There’s a thin line between music and noise, and we, his right ear components, can safely say that he’s crossed it a long time ago.”
Meine’s eustachian tube added, “And the music style! Oh Lord! How on Earth can he think his stuff is still cool in this day and age? It’s disgusting!
“A bunch of old guys trying to rock the stage, when the listeners now have Eminem, The Jonas Brothers, The Killers, Good Charlotte and other younger acts.. it’s really sad. We feel embarrassed having to go out with him on stage, witnessing him and his Scorpion buddies trying to keep the ‘sting’ in their performance,” said the eustachian tube, sadly.
“The word that usually ends up being said is ‘stink’.”
However, despite the staggering figure of the lawsuit, Meine’s right ear is still hoping that the two parties would be able to find an out-of-court settlement.
“Mr Meine and his right ear share a lot of space and time together, really,” said Kempf. “So it is in both their interests to find a solution that benefits the ear and the person. A middle ground of some sort. No one wants to see the other get hurt, I’m sure. So we’re filing this lawsuit merely to ‘encourage’ Mr Meine to see his right ear’s point of view, and perhaps find a healthy compromise.
“All his right ear wants is respect, and a bit of peace and quiet once in a while. As for his taste in music, the ear components are willing to let him go on with it, so long as he dabbles in it sparingly, and in moderation, especially with regards to volume. He’s kind of getting too old to ‘rock you like a hurricane’ anyways, yes?
“And if Mr Meine insists on being stubborn, then my client will not hesitate to pack up and leave his head. Let’s see how he’d fare as a rock star without a right ear.”
Meine’s left ear, when contacted, refused to comment, preferring to keep a neutral stand in the matter.