Tackling road hogs with Sidewinders

Road hogging frustrates many performance car drivers

KUALA LUMPUR — A German company has come up with a perfect solution for drivers fed up with slow-moving vehicles hogging the fast lane — obliterate them out of the way with a guided missile.

Linus Furtwaffe GmbH, a premium auto accessory maker based in Stuttgart, yesterday made available to Malaysian drivers a mini-version of the AIM-9 Sidewinder Air-to-Air Missile (AAM) carried by NATO fighter aircraft and certain helicopter gunships. The 1.3m-long AIM-9RH solid rocket fuel-propelled missile is sold in a set of two, complete with the launch and guidance systems and installation, for RM145,000 per set.

At the launching ceremony, Linus Furtwaffe (M) Managing Director Kenneth How said that the idea for the mini-Sidewinder was conceived by the company’s German founder two years ago after having to tailgate slow-moving trucks on the Autobahn for a full half hour before being able to overtake. “Mr Furtwaffe had to keep his McLaren SLR going 45km/h behind a vegetable truck and a cement mixer hogging both lanes,” said How. “It was then that he wished that he could just ‘blow them out of the way’, and the idea was born.

“A year later, with the help of Ford Aerospace in the US, Linus Furtwaffe launched its first Sidewinder missile for automobiles. The purpose is simple: if drivers of slow-moving vehicles cannot respect the road rule regarding fast lane usage, then perhaps they should be taught some respect.”

How said that the target market for this product are ‘drivers of performance vehicles who are constantly frustrated by fast-lane road hoggers who think they own the bloody road’.

A demo Sidewinder missile being launched from a BMW 5-series

“I think most Malaysian drivers who like to go fast have experienced — nay, endured — this situation, yes?” asked How.

“Taxis, motorcycles, buses and even those tiny little sub-compact cars who go around on the fast lane thinking ‘yes I can, yes I can’, like that toy train in the children’s book as we get stuck behind them moving at snail’s pace,” he said. “We honk, we give them a polite high-beam, we even tailgate dangerously close… and yet they still don’t get it,” How continued, shaking his head.

“Well now, instead of us having our blood boil and cursing to ourselves to no avail, we get to do something effective and change the situation.”

How said that the system is easy to use. “With a push of a button added on the steering wheel spoke, the missile launch system would instantaneously unleash hell upon the target,” he said excitedly. “With over 8 pounds (4 kg) of PBXN-3 explosives in each missile, we can assure you that there woun’t be much left in front of you to slow you down. The target would be vapourised.”

The minimal installation system would only add 120kg to the car’s overall weight

How said that installation would be hassle-free and fast.

“We understand how much you love driving you car, so the last thing we want to do is keep your car in our garage for a week or two to fit the system in,” he said. “The AIM-9RH set can be installed in any medium- to large-sized car in under two hours. You can send your loved vehicles in in the morning and have it ready to kill road hogs right after lunch!”

How added that customers can only expect the best of German engineering and service. “Our professional technicians were rigorously trained at the Stuttgart headquarters, to ensure that every missile deployment is a safe one.

“I mean, you wouldn’t want to blow yourself up now, would you?” he joked.

How said that the system was also easy to use, and clients can even reload the missiles on their own.

“Refill missiles are sold at RM25,000 each, and we have ready stock. We want our clients to have fun on the road again, to drive as fast as their machines can afford them — to enjoy the pure spirit of performance driving again,” How said.

“However, just make sure you leave a little bit of distance between your car and the target — flying debris can leave an ugly dent on your hood.”