Abominable Snowman seeks name change

THE HIMALAYAS — The Yeti, suspected of terrorising campers and mountain climbers for as long as history can remember, has today filed at the International Court at The Hague to have its name changed from the Abominable Snowman to the Adorable Snowman. Lawyers for the mythical creature told the Press that this move was taken to ‘counter years of unfair and negative stereotyping’ of their client.

An obviously negative artist's impression of The Yeti

An obviously negative artist's impression of The Yeti

Robert Yardcliffe, senior partner at Yardcliffe Boyle & Associates, said that his client, the 12-foot ape-like cryptid often sighted in snow-covered pine forests and mountains, had ‘endured enough ridicule and public comtempt’, and had decided that it was time to put a stop to the blanket vilification of it by contemporary opinion makers.

“Mr Yeti said that enough is enough,” said Yardcliffe to reporters at a cold Press conference outside a resort at the Himalayan Mountains foothills. “For too long, humans have disregarded basic decency and a spirit of fairness by painting such a damning picture of what Yetis are like. Yetis, though thoroughly a meat eater and a predator by nature, are peace-loving and would prefer mutually beneficial co-existance with homo-sapiens. It saddens Mr Yeti that his whole clan are not only being chased off from their habitat in the snowy mountains, but they’re also getting a bad rap while at it.

“So, Mr Yeti has decided to turn this unfortunate situation around and begin a rebranding exercise, beginning with a suit at The Hague to officially recognise the Yeti as the Adorable Snowman, instead of the Abominable Snowman.”

Mr Yardcliffe said that it was bad enough the Yeti was being called a ‘snowman’, despite not being made of snow. “It’s ridiculous. There’s not an ounce of snow in Mr Yeti’s DNA. He doesn’t even like living in snow. He’d rather live in the tropics, where he could use some tan, but he knows that humans wouldn’t take too kindly to that idea.

Yardcliffe addressing reporters

Yardcliffe addressing reporters

“And then there’s the word ‘Abominable’. That’s a word reserved for damned things, like the Devil, or Hell-bound souls, but not for friendly, furry creatures like the Yeti,” said Yardcliffe. “It’s not just grossly unfair, it’s also highly inaccurate.”

“Yetis have a long history of being benevolent,” continued Yardcliffe. “They have not only helped save human’s livestock from being hunted by wild dogs and wolves, but were known to have provided much-needed company for lonely Sherpa up in the mountains.

“They’re quite chatty in conversations.”

Distributing the Yeti’s officially endorsed photograph, Yardcliffe said that he is optimistic that the rebranding effort would bear fruit in the near future.

“Just take a look at that cute face,” he said, showing off Mr Yeti’s smiling mug. “Don’t tell me none of your frozen hearts were melted by that charming smile and innocent eyes? He’s simply adorable!

Mr Yardcliffe sees the Yeti’s popularity and acceptance level to be at par with the polar bear or the penguin.

A smiling, friendly Yeti
A smiling, friendly Yeti

“It’s just a matter of time. With a name like the Adorable Snowman, it’ll be in the minds of all children around the world, warming their hearts. Soon, it’ll be on TV, bringing cheer to people who had never thought of ever seeing a Yeti, let alone a friendly one.

“Franchising, syndication and licensing… there’ll be a lot of opportunities for the Yeti community to prosper.”
Yardcliffe doesn’t see that as morally wrong.
“Look. For years they’ve been hated, chased away and even shot at by ignorant humans. It’s about time society paid back for all the Yeti’s sacrifices. I don’t have a problem with the Yeti making some money from what they really are, and so shouldn’t you.”
In the pipe line are Yeti action figures, wearables and even Yarbie, a Yeti-Barbie hybrid designed to ‘ease the introduction of the snowy beast to the young female market’. Some fashion labels are also putting out their all-white collections for this Fall’s shows.

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