WASHINGTON D.C. — The world came within a whisker of complete annihilation today as US President Barack Obama’s 8-year-old daughter Natasha unknowingly ordered the launch of all nuclear weapons toward America’s enemies, a situation that would surely invite retaliation of equal proportions.
While innocently riding her toy pony around her father’s Oval Office, Sasha, as she is lovingly referred to by everyone at the White House, had decided to pretend to be president. Sitting at the Commander-In-Chief’s desk, she played with the president’s phone — and unwittingly pressed ‘The Red Button’. That effectively sent the order for Defcon 3 (Defense Level Condition 3) around the nation and initiated the launch of all US nuclear missiles from ground and submarines around the globe. The targets of the over 3,000 warheads — each with the capacity to destroy entire cities — were unconfirmed, but it was believed that Russia, China, North Korea and selected parts of Belgium were in the list.
President Obama was believed to be in the washroom at the time of ‘the close call’.
Fortunately for the First Daughter, her father came out and realised what had happened. He then immediately called all the relevant military commanders and cancelled the order.
Speaking from the White House press briefing room later, Mr Obama apologised to the world on his daughter’s behalf, and said that ‘she was sorry’.
“I had already cautioned both my daughters not to touch anything on ‘daddy’s desk’ the first day we arrived at the White House,” said the president. “But you know kids. They’re curious. And frankly, who can resist pressing a giant red button staring back at you? Even I had to tell myself, ‘No, no. Don’t touch’ a few times. And Sasha’s only 8. The button was practically screaming ‘Press me!’ at her.
“I’m amazed how my predecessor, President Bush, was able to contain himself, seeing such a button on his phone.”
Obama said that the government has taken steps to ensure such dangerous thing never reoccurs.
“I’ve instructed my Chief of Staff, Rahm Emanuel, to look into the situation and recommend a way to keep the red button away from children. We are weighing the different options, among those being hiding the entire phone in my drawer.
“And only I get to keep the key. And maybe the First Lady.”
Natasha, in her blog http://mydaddystheprez.blogspot.com, said that it was an honest mistake, and that she thought the button was just a ‘hotkey’ to call for room service.
“I know my dad told me to not touch the phone, especially the button. But it looked pretty. If the Secret Service people wanted me to not touch it, then maybe they should’ve painted the button black, or blue.”
Her sister, 11-year-old Malia Ann, when contacted, said that her sister was always ‘putting her hands where she shouldn’t’. “I’ve told her many, many times — ‘don’t touch the hot kettle in the kitchen’ and ‘don’t scribble on the Keneddy painting’. And now she went and pressed ‘The Button’. What a schmuck.”
World leaders around the globe have largely downplayed the incident, calling it a ‘domestic affair’. French President Nicolas Sarkozy said that there were more pressing matters to attend to, such as the spiralling world economy and his wife Carla Bruni’s shopping bills, while British premier Gordon Brown said that he wished he had a button too.
When told the news, Russian President Vladimir Putin downed a few shots of vodka and laughed hysterically, Chinese Prime Minister Wen Jiabao declined to comment and North Korean leader Kim Jong-Il gave his middle finger to reporters.