Crime industry announces 400,000 job vacancies

KUALA LUMPUR — As many employers announced cutting their workforce to cope with dwindling sales, the crime industry has reported a sudden surge of demand for talent.

Bala "The Cobra"

Bala "The Cobra"

In a video-conferencing done with the press yesterday, Bala “The Cobra”, Acting President of the industry’s association, the National Initiative for Criminal Excellence (NICE), reported that, buoyed by the economic uncertainty brought about by the global financial meltdown, the demand for the life of crime, both organised and random, have risen dramatically in the last six months.

“Fortunately, the industry is big, and infinitely expandable,” said Bala, whose features are hidden in a silhouette to protect his identity. “There are ample opportunities in crime, from small-time and short-term activities such as mugging, shoplifting and home burglary, to more ‘permanent’ and big-time positions like robbery, bank heists and extortion. Some of our association members are even offering posts in their organised crime units — believe me, the market is there.

Opportunities abound in the life of crime

Opportunities abound in the life of crime

“As of today, we estimate that there’ll be vacancies for approximately 400,000 criminals nationwide. We’re very optimistic,” he said.

Bala, who took over the association’s leadership after its President, Mamat “Da Killa” Wong, was gunned down by police last month in Seremban, added, “We understand the nation’s situation. While our fundamentals are strong and the government is doing all it can to buffer the effects of the global economic tsunami, everyone knows that sooner or later, people will feel the pinch.

“That is why the association members, who traditionally benefit from economic downturns, feel responsible and have stepped up to lend a hand to those who need it. Other than jobs, we’re also providing training, both theory and practical.”

Training will be provided

Training will be provided

Among the training provided are firearms management, stealth movement, breaking and entering methods and fear manipulation.

“We’ll take care of potential candidates, from start to finish,” said Bala. “The candidates will have lodging, an allowance and even free induction into NICE. They’ll be able to enjoy all the benefits that members get.

“This is no stop-gap measure. We’re committed to creating quality criminals who can survive these troubled times, and prosper when times get better. And who knows? Perhaps we’ll be unearthing some future super-villain who’ll be Hell-bent on global domination. Every great tree has to start with a small seed, right?”

The press video conference was abruptly ended when there was an apparent knock on his door and a voice shouting “POLIS!” was heard.

1 Comment

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One response to “Crime industry announces 400,000 job vacancies

  1. C#

    Where do I apply?

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