WASHINGTON D.C. — IN an unprecedented move today, software giant Microsoft has bought over all rights to use the term ‘fuck’.
Company lawyers successfully navigated through many copyright law loopholes and confirmed ownership of the word and all rights to use it. The corporate behemoth reportedly paid somewhere between US$200 million and half a billion dollars to the Library of Congress to privately own the term, effectively denying everyone else the right to spew the ‘f-word’, one of the world’s most overused expression. This followed a heated battle in Capitol Hill between Microsoft and anti-trust officials.
Frustrated legislators against the purchase could only swear in disgust. Rep Jim Hawthorne (D-Nebraska) lamented that it was ‘the beginning of corporate cultural takeover’. “How the hell do you copyright something like that? It’s unbelievable. It’s a word we all grew up using, I don’t think it’s fair to deprive future generations to spew it either in anger or when they feel like making their expressions more colourful. Fuck them, man.”
Realising that he could get sued, Hawthorne corrected himself. “I mean — F… frog them.”
The move has cascaded into market panic across the globe, with the music and film industries mostly effected. Tower Records have reported that they’ve begun taking off all CDs and DVDs containing the now-exclusive word from their shelves. It is not known if they’d initiate any recall of products purchased before the copyright purchase.
When contacted, Microsoft chairman Bill Gates said that the company would, of course, allow consumers to use the word. However, the billionaire declined to give the exact amount each person has to pay to use the word, either by utterance or through writing.
“We’ll be featuring the term heavily in our next OS, Windows Fuck-You,” said Gates. “Microsoft is only interested in ensuring that the term gets the respect it deserves by regulating its proper and correct use.
“And if anyone’s got a problem with it, well, Boo-fucking-hoo.”