KUALA LUMPUR — UMNO President YAB Dato’ Sri Mohd Najib Razak today appointed Umnotron, the artificial intelligence within a robotic body, to the organisation’s Supreme Council, in what analysts call a ‘decisive move’ to bolster his influence and prevent any attempts to threaten his position in the party.
The 6ft-5in tall mechanical war machine, virtually indestructible and equipped with advanced military-grade energy projector weapons, has been named the ‘special advisor to the President’, sitting directly below the President in the hierarchy. The highly aggresive weaponised learning AI will be overseeing UMNO’s “internal stakeholder relations” and will be tasked to garner support for Najib.
In his announcement at the party’s General Assembly, the President said that this appointment is part of his effort to transform the party, and that “it should start from the top”.
“UMNO is at a crossroads, my fellow brothers and sisters,” said Najib, as Umnotron scanned the largely silent assembly hall for voices of dissent and incriminating electronic messages being transmitted from members’ mobile devices. “We are facing a the very real danger of becoming irrelevant to our community, particularly the youth. While our guiding principles still hold true, our methods are slowly losing support amongst those we represent.
“We are seen as irrelevant, unable to change and worse – corrupt, with money politics being the primary motivation. UMNO needs to change, or it risks being changed at the polls,” said the Prime Minister sternly, before Umnotron leaped into the air to unleash its gamma ray weapon, vapourising a Puteri UMNO member from Negeri Sembilan who was caught Whatsapping to her sister her disapproval of the robot’s appointment. “With this new Supreme Council member, I want to show the country that I am very committed to transforming the party,” he countinued.
“Umnotron – while packed with horrifying weaponry and a learning artificial intelligence that mimics human behaviour – cannot be corrupted due to its lack of desire for wealth and power,” he said, smiling proudly as the machine returns to the stage. “It is single-minded in performing its duties, and can be quite persuasive in its argument – a very important PR skill to have in its role to gain support for the party.”
Concluding his speech, Najib urged members, in particular the Supreme Council members and senior leaders many refer to as “warlords” within the party, to lend him his full support and stop jostling for positions. “Let us put our differences aside and unite under my leadership to make UMNO stronger,” he said, giving the evil-eye to several leaders sitting behind him on the stage, nervously applauding.
An unnamed source within the council said that Najib’s decision to appoint the robotic killer on the council took some members by surprise.
“A couple of Vice Presidents I spoke to just now expressed their shock and trepidation at the president’s decision,” he said, hands still trembling from watching Umnotron’s demonstration of his laser-pulse cannon which turned the Rawang Branch Chief who dared to question his appointment into dust earlier. “While the President does have some leeway in appointing his advisors and consultants, putting this metal beast on the Supreme Council did push the boundaries a little.
“But of course, we have no objection to such wise and abundantly correct decision, and will give the President and his Special Advisor our utmost support in helping to promote the cause. Hidup Dato’ Sri! Hidup Umnotron!…” he said, before hurriedly scurrying away in fear, no doubt traumatised by the sight of Umnotron ripping out the spine of a division chief who dared to take a phone call while the President was in the middle of his speech.
Several analysts said that the autonomous robot, believed to be supplied by military contractors close to Najib while he was Defence Minister, is only one of many to be deployed within UMNO branches around the country.
“It’s certainly the most decisive move by Dato’ Sri Najib we’ve seen in a while,” said KC Loong, a senior political analyst from Hong Kong. “He had been under a lot of pressure lately and heavily criticised for being too lenient with his opponents. This is an effective, yet diplomatic way to bring his detractors to see things his way, and snuff out any possible threats to his presidency. It’ll definitely make doing his job easier, not having to look over his shoulders all the time with that nuclear-powered cybernetic psychopath watching his back. Kudos to him.”