PYONGYANG — As North Korea successfully detonated its underground test nuclear bomb and sent shockwaves across the peninsula, its leader Kim Jong-il warned the world, in particular the US, to ‘not mess with me and my colossal, planet-killer nuclear dick’.
Kim, 68, the Chairman of the National Defense Commission, Supreme Commander of the Korean People’s Army, General Secretary of the Workers’ Party of Korea and all-round kick-ass Man-in-Charge of the freaking country, said in a strongly-worded statement that he’s building even more nuclear bombs, and that ‘no fucking G.I.Joe in a blue berret is gonna tell me not to’, referring to the U.N.
“What? The Yoonited Nations, headed by that piece’a'shite Ban Ki-Moon, condemns my nuke test and demands that I stop playing with my atomic ballistic dicks?” asked Kim. “Well, boo-fucking-hoo. Make me.”
North Korea incurred the wrath of the world, especially neighbouring South Korea and its ally the United States, after conducting an underground nuclear weapons test on May 25, resulting in a 4.7 Richter-scale magnitude earthquake. This was the second such test, after first detonating a smaller-yield weapon in 2006. On May 26, North Korea test-fired two more short-range missiles from its east coast missile test facility. The communist nation has fired a sixth short-range missile since then. The U.N. Security Council on May 25 unanimously condemned North Korea’s nuclear test, including strong objections from China and Russia.
“Do you think I care?” asked Kim, commonly referred to locally as ‘Dear Leader’. “Like them, now I’ve also got a big nukie dickie. They don’t like that. They think only they can have radioactive schlongs. They think other people cannot have nuclear salami. Well guess what? My bratwurst’s huge, and it’s a mushroom-clouder. Deal with it. Ha-ha.”
On U.S. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton’s statement that ‘for the world to not take significant and effective action against North Korea’s recent “provocative and belligerent behavior” could spark an arms race in Northeast Asia that nobody wants’, Kim responded that she may just have penis envy.
“Oy, we all know she does not have a boner, so I understand if she’s rather jealous of my redwood,” said the leader-for-life, while stroking the big red button on his desk which would, upon pressing, set into action a nuclear assault on South Korea and the region which would eventually invite armed response and level the world. “She has been itching to wear the pants since the first day she set foot in the Whitey-House, and I know it musta hurt to let ol’ Bill run the show,” he joked, pan-faced.
President Barack Obama, when told about the North Korean leader’s defiance, said that ‘the gnat obviously doesn’t know what the term ‘big dick’ really means’.
“What, Kim said that? C’mon!” said the younger, more athletic and more nuclear-powered president. “He wants to compare nukie-dickies? Has the guy ever checked the net, for cryin’ out loud? Not only do I have many, many more nuclear bombs, but my ICBMs are way bigger and packs more oomph!
“I suggest Mr Kim get some bootleg adult-movies with black actors doing the action,” said the U.S. Commander-in-Chief, swaying his hips. “Then he’ll know that the myth about black guys having the biggest, most potent warheads, ain’t just myths.”
U.N. Secretary General Ban Ki-Moon, when asked to comment on this dangerous situation which threatens to escalate into an all-out nuclear war, said that ‘calm minds must prevail’.
“For God’s sake, if one side starts to flex their nuclear-nether-region muscles, the other would only follow suit with a bigger response. In the end, all will lose. We must continue to pursue to resolve this conflict via diplomatic channels.
“If not, we are all fucked.”