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Scientists: Mysterious large hole in Siberia is Earth’s bunghole

RUSSIAN FEDERATION: A group of scientists have found that the mysterious black hole which appeared suddenly near Yamal, in the northern region of Siberia, was actually the planet’s fart-tunnel.

GAS ALERT: Scientists have confirmed that mysterious hole is Earth's bum cavity

GAS ALERT: Scientists have confirmed that mysterious hole is Earth’s bum cavity

According to Professor Dr Dmitri Igunov, head researcher at the University of Tobolsk’s geology department, the 260-foot hole, discovered recently by a cameraman on board a helicopter which passed over the formation, was a natural phenomenon that served as Earth’s avenue to excrete waste and excess gas.

“I’ve often said that Earth, as a living planet, is very similar to any other living organism,” said Dr Igunov, looking over his team of 8 geologists surveying the site. “And just like any animal, the planet also has to have a bunghole to enable her to pass gas and other waste products.”

Dr Igunov explained that the crater-like black hole was the ‘end of an intricate system of planetary intestines’.

“I would call it a ‘cavity’ instead of a cave, and this is one hole you wouldn’t want to explore or go splunking in. In mother Earth’s innards, you will find all the things you would normally find in any animal belly — food being processed and digested, toxic gas being spewed.. the usual stuff. The results of our study and indications from our sensitive geological equipment have confirmed that this isn’t a normal sinkhole or cave system. It is indeed, an arse,” said the researcher, who added that this was the first time in history that anyone has seen Earth’s butt.

Asked why the Earth-butt was located in the northern part of the planet and not the southern hemisphere which would more appropriately be considered the ‘bottom’, Dr Igunov said that due to the planet’s spheric shape and physical detachment to any other celestial body, the concept of ‘top’ or ‘bottom’ does not apply.

HOLE-Y DISCOVERY: Dr Igunov at the edge of the planet's endhole

HOLE-Y DISCOVERY: Dr Igunov at the edge of the planet’s endhole

“It’s silly to think that a ball has a top or bottom, is it not? We only consider ‘north’ to point upwards and ‘south’ to point downwards because somebody decided to do so a long time ago. It was a convention, not a fact,” Dr Igunov argued. “In fact, the position of our own ‘bottom’ is completely dependent on our body’s overall position and angle, correct? When we’re sleeping on our backs, our bottoms would be at the lowest point, however, if we were to flip over, then our butts would be at the highest point, would it not?

“So who are we to say that the planet’s butt cannot be ‘up’ here in the north of Siberia?”

Dr Igunov additionally dismissed claims that the giant hole had extraterrestrial origins.

“For goodness sake, this is science, not some fantasy! While as a scientist, I cannot deny the possibility of the existence of otherworldly beings, I can safely say that this giant hole here is nothing but Earth’s private backside part. I don’t understand why it’s so hard to accept that. If you were to hear about animals and humans not having a bunghole to expel their waste products, it would be very strange. Why can’t the planet have one too?”

The researcher also took the opportunity to warn would-be tourists to stay away from the hole.

“Look, ‘Yamal’ in Siberian language means ‘End of the World’, so that explains the hole’s function, and kind of serves as a warning to anyone foolish enough to want to dive in. So far, our sensors have not detected any impending discharges anytime soon, but believe me, everyone farts and poops. You wouldn’t want to be here when that happens.

“Now please, we don’t have much time, let my team and I continue with our anal-ysis,” he said, laughing at his own scientist-toilet joke.

 

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Selangor denies water has heavy metals; only pop rock, R&B

SHAH ALAM — The Selangor state government has slammed a news report by the New Straits Times yesterday which claimed that water from unused mining pools being channeled into the state’s water supply contained unsafe levels of toxic heavy metals.

LOUD LIQUID: Selangor has denied the presence of heavy metals in its water supply

LOUD LIQUID: Selangor has denied the presence of heavy metals in its water supply

According to the front page report by the NST, an independent analysis of water samples taken from these mining ponds showed high content of hard metal, which it stated was above safe limits and hazardous to health.

In a press conference here today, state Youth, Sports, Infrastructure and Public Amenities committee chairman Dr Ahmad Yunus Hairi said the daily’s allegation was incorrect, as tests done by the Selangor Water Management Board (LUAS) showed no traces of heavy metals, but instead only had pleasant levels of pop rock, rhythm & blues and hints of reggae.

“We vehemently dispute NST’s erroneous report of the presence of heavy metals or any other types of corrosive music genres in our water supply,” said Dr Ahmad furiously. “We are here to deny their claim of traces of Slayer, Black Sabbath, Motorhead and Megadeth in the water — we find it laughable and irresponsible. Do they even know what heavy metal sounds like?”

Dr Ahmad said that repeated tests done by independent water experts and music producers commissioned by LUAS have confirmed that water from the unused mining pools being pumped into Sungai Selangor only contained music genres safe for families.

“Tell me something, would you consider Pixie Lott songs ‘heavy metal’? Or One Direction? Our comprehensive tests, involving over 200 samples taken at different times of day, locations and depths have only uncovered music that are too safe even to get PG-13 rating,” he said, as LUAS Director Tuan Md Khairi Selamat nodded in agreement. “If these so-called investigative journalists and editors are NST feel that Taylor Swift or John Legend is hard metal and dangerous for consumers, then I don’t know what else to say.”

HARDLY HEAVY: Dr Ahmad (left) and Tuan Md Khairi showing the test results done by LUAS

HARDLY HEAVY: Dr Ahmad (left) and Tuan Md Khairi showing the test results done by LUAS

 

“Luas, together with the Selangor State Health Department have been conducting sampling on all alternative water sources since 2011,” said Khairi. “Analysis on alternative water samples was conducted by the Malaysian Chemistry Department and Jabatan Kebudayaan Selangor, and we found the water in the mining pools to be safe for consumption.”

After giving an impromptu humming performance of John Legend’s ‘All Of Me’, Dr Ahmad said that other than pop rock and R&B, negligible traces of reggae had been found, but it was ‘not a cause for concern’.

“Yes, I do agree that reggae is often associated with the use of weed, but science has never proven that there is a direct correlation between the music genre and the consumption of the narcotic,” he said, pointing to a chart showing a small picture of Bob Marley. “Besides — without alluding to any opinions whether my own or that of the state government — limited legalised use of marijuana is being experimented in parts of the US and Europe, so I wouldn’t say that science has conclusively found the plant dangerous to health.

“So we hereby challenge our critics, especially the New Straits Times, to prove us wrong,” he said. “We’re giving them 48 hours to bring us the evidence, or make a formal apology and correction.

“In fact, let’s do a music showdown — we’ll bring our music experts from our Jabatan Kebudayaan, and you bring your entertainment editors and music critics, we’ll see who’s right, and who’ll drink the humble water.”

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Bird expert: Kajang by-election winner could go extinct

KUALA LUMPUR — Winning the Kajang by-election could spell political doom for the victor, a leading ornithologist (expert on birds) said today.

According to Dr Bulleau Plëpha, head zoologist the Max Planck Institute for Ornithology, the signs are clearly showing that contesting in the Selangor state constituency was a bad idea, and even if one wins the fight, his career will not take flight.

Cautioning Datuk Seri Anwar Ibrahim (PKR) and anyone else planning to nominate themselves for the N25 ADUN seat, Dr Plëpha said his assessment was based on the fact that the shape of the Kajang constituency is too similar to the dodo bird (Raphus Cucullatus), an extinct flightless bird that was endemic to the island of Mauritius.

RISKY CONTEST: Kajang could spell political extinction to the victor

RISKY CONTEST: Kajang could spell political extinction to the victor

“The similarity just cannot be ignored,” said Dr Plëpha. “Look at them both … Kajang looks like a silhouette of the dodo, looking up to the sky reflecting on its own sad demise. This scientific deduction can only mean one thing — winning the N25 seat will not augur well for the victor’s political ambitions!”

Dr Plëpha added that the dodo’s lack of fear of humans was the reason it was so easy to be captured and killed. “Some people say it was intrepidness that caused the Raphus Cucullatus’ extinction. It had no issues with fraternising with other species which were their own predators. Fearlessness? I’d say it was foolishness!

“And likewise, trying to ‘win’ this dodo-inspired constituency would be an act of foolishness and political suicide!”

The Kajang state seat fell vacant following the resignation of incumbent assemblymen Lee Chin Cheh of PKR on Jan 27. The Election Commission has announced that it would meet on February 5 to discuss the nomination and polling dates. The state seat comprises 38,965 registered voters. At the last general election in May, 2013, the seat saw a voter turnout of 87.9% with 541 spoilt votes. It has 48% Malay voters, Chinese 41%, Indian 10% and others 1%. In the 2013 general election PKR’s Lee garnered 19,571 votes followed by Lee Ban Seng (Barisan Nasional-MCA) with 12,747 votes and Mohamad Ismail (Berjasa) 1,014 votes.

Dr Plëpha offered his advice to interested contenders: “Should you feel the need to contest in that dodo danger-zone, keep your expectations low. It’s not a thriving place for any bird or fowl, what with Kajang being famous for its chicken satay. Your political outlook may just be similar.”

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Canada: Bieber barred from returning, deportation by US considered act of war

OTTAWA — The Canadian government announced today that any move by neighbouring US government to send singer Justin Bieber back home is ‘unconscionable’ and would be considered an act of war.

HARPER: My duty to protect Canada

HARPER: My duty to protect Canada

Speaking from the PM’s Office in Parliament Hill, Prime Minister Stephen Harper said that the current effort by Americans to deport the 19-year-old through the online petition to the White House is of ‘major concern’.

“The Canadian government certainly takes this issue very seriously, as it could potentially affect our national security as well as economic and social stability,” said Harper, denouncing the move. “When the ‘subject’ decided to move to Los Angeles in 2008 and the US people wholeheartedly accepted his relocation, it was a one-way deal, and we clearly stated that it was permanent. This is not Walmart — there’s no return policy here.”

WILD BOY: Bieber behaving badly

WILD BOY: Bieber behaving badly

Bieber, who recently ran afoul of the law after he was arrested for drag racing and DUI in addition to resisting arrest in Miami, became the latest subject in the White House’s Online Petition initiative. Concerned Americans fed-up with his spoilt-brat antics filed a petition calling for the deportation of the superstar back to his home country or anywhere ‘that’s not the US’. According to the website, the White House promises to review any petition by the public which gathers more than 100,000 signatures in 30 days, and the ‘Deport Bieber’ petition surpassed 175,000 in just 6 days.

“We understand that our brothers and sisters down south may have reached their boiling point after seeing the girly-boy turn from a Youtube child sensation into an uber-rich, ungrateful piece of blonde crap, soaking up valuable oxygen and displaying the kind of decadent excesses which would make any working American vomit blood,” said Harper empathically. “But sorry, you let him in. Now he’s your problem.”

OUT: The online White House petition

OUT: The online White House petition

Bieber, who rose to stardom under the mentorship of pop singer Usher via songs such as ‘Baby’, ‘Boyfriend’ and ‘Never Say Never’, movie and TV appearances as well as hooking up with Selena Gomez, has had a stellar career in the short span of 5 years, amassing a personal fortune of US$160 million. However, the constant spotlight has somehow turned the youngster into a rather unpleasant and wild person who has no issue getting high or drunk, terrorising neighbours, bringing exotic monkeys into other countries and urinating into random janitor mop buckets.

Harper added that it’s not proper for countries to import something only to try to return it just because it’s gone rotten.

“Look, we gave the US Avril Lavigne, Alanis Morissette, Shania Twain and Celine Dion, and the country had no problem enjoying our gifts and exploiting the products of the Canadian creative environment. They were all great, iconic personalities which brought nothing but happiness to your country. You give them Green Cards, but once one of them gets bad and unruly, you want to send it back? That’s not fair — you gotta take the good with the bad, eh?

“Okay, maybe Celine Dion was a bad example. But you get the point.”

The PM said that the border authorities had been instructed to increase its patrols to ensure Bieber doesn’t get through.

“We’re on high alert. Maintaining order and good sense is priority in Canada. Having the Americans violate this would mean severe diplomatic consequences,” stressed Harper. “My job is to protect innocent Canadian lives, and my government firmly stands behind this decision.”

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Selangor introduces more water authority bodies to combat confusion

SHAH ALAM — The Selangor state government today announced the formation of more organisations that would look over water supply matters in the state, in an effort to counter the confusion amongst the people regarding the roles of the existing water authority bodies.

CLEARER WATER: New authority bodies to simplify water management & avoid confusion

CLEARER WATER: New authority bodies to simplify water management & avoid confusion

Speaking to reporters at his office, Mentri Besar Tan Sri Abdul Khalid Ibrahim said that the government realises that with the many different national and state agencies, firms, commissions, service departments and committees dealing with the water issue today, such as SYABAS (Syarikat Bekalan Air Selangor), PUAS (Perbadanan Urus Air Selangor), LUAS (Lembaga Urus Air Selangor), SPAN (Suruhanjaya Perkhidmatan Air Negara), Puncak Niaga, PUSPEL and perhaps several others, the rakyat may be rather confused about their functions and responsibilities.

“We admit, it’s hard to point the finger at the right organisation when facing problems such as the emergency water stoppage this weekend,” said a forlorn Khalid, cautiously and slowly sipping on a glass of water. “I mean, we in the administration also have problems trying to figure out who does what and who’s supposed to be taking care of which part of the water supply, what more the regular folks?

“And this confusion is further made worse by the tug-of-war between the Federal government and the State goverment … the different messages and propaganda you find in newspapers and portals on both sides are clouding the complicated situation even more!” said Khalid.

“As such, we’re taking the proactive measure of introducing more bodies to take care of the specific functions in the complex process. Hopefully this would simplify things and make the people happier.”

Asked to give the specific numbers and names of the new agencies, Khalid said that in total, there will be around 10 to 15 new bodies, plus minus 2 or 3 and depending on whom you ask at what time of the day and what day of the week.

“We’ll have the Kumpulan Eksesais & Latihan Air Selangor (KELAS) to train all the waterworks employees in the art of waterworking, Krew Enforsmen & Rondaan Air Selangor (KERAS) to handle all water supply and billing collection enforcement-related matters, Perbadanan Urusetia Laluan Air Selangor (PULAS) to take care of the turning on and off of water taps in the reservoirs and Team Percikan Air Selangor (TEMPIAS), who will smoothen the water pipes and canals to ensure that we don’t lose too much water from splashes and leakages.

“Of course, we’ll have our emergency response committee to deal with water disruptions, Committee for Emergency Management and Action for Selangor (CEMAS), and they will work closely with the Legal Management Affairs of Selangor (LEMAS), when things really get out of control,” said Khalid, confidently. “And we’ve also got the Pejabat Anti Negatif Air Selangor (PANAS) to handle the public and media relations, and they will be supported by the state-funded, pseudo-NGO Kumpulan Inspirasi Penduduk Awam Selangor (KIPAS), who will manage public perception.”

Khalid said that he was confident the new organisations will help the rakyat get a clear picture about the water supply issues in the state, and they would be happier with the improved service.

“The authorities I mentioned just now, along with a few others I can’t recall right now, plus some yet-to-be properly named ones, will work as one to ensure everyone gets some seriously quality water. Everyone has a job to do, and clear functions for the people to refer to.

“So no worries about hitting a brick wall or not getting any response when you need action — each of these organisations will be centrally managed by a committee that has the authority to take immediate and decisive action when needed, the Majlis Agensi-agensi & Lembaga-lembaga Air Selangor (MALAS).”

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EC to introduce invisible ink in Kuala Besut by-election

PUTRAJAYA — The Election Commission today announced that the July 24 Kuala Besut by-election will utilise a high-technology invisible ink to ensure a clean and fair voting process.

FAIR & TRANSPARENT: The new invisible ink to be used in Kuala Besut

FAIR & TRANSPARENT: The new invisible ink to be used in Kuala Besut

EC Chairman Tan Sri Abdul Aziz Yusof said the decision was made based on the  post-mortem on the use of the indelible ink in the 13th General Election, which was heavily criticised by several parties for its non-permanency, casting doubt on the electoral integrity. Stressing that the new ink, made from high-grade, permanent invisible pigments of natural origins, would leave no room for doubt, he said that it was chosen to ‘silence the critics’.

“The recently-concluded election was the first time we used indelible ink and admittedly, there were some weaknesses,” said Aziz. “Among them were the ink was easy to be removed, slow to dry and caused difficulties to voters since it could  stain the ballot papers.

“However, we’ve learned from these weaknesses and have taken the necessary steps to ensure this by-election process is air-tight. Unlike the indelible ink used in GE13, the invisible ink we are using in Kuala Besut can never be washed off, no matter how hard you try,” said Aziz confidently.

With an assistant demonstrating the effectiveness and ultra-permanent properties of the ink, Aziz said that the invisibility of the liquid would make it virtually impossible for would-be fraudsters to do their dirty deed.

UNWASHABLE: Aziz's assistant showing her index finger, still clearly marked by the invisible ink

UNWASHABLE: Aziz’s assistant showing her index finger, still clearly marked by the invisible ink

“While in May, those who may have thought about voting twice found it possible to wash off the coloured ink from their fingers, this time, since they won’t be able to see the ‘before-and-after’ effect of any attempted washing, they would never be able to know if they’ve really managed to remove the ink successfully!” declared Aziz, showing his assistant’s clean, untainted index finger to reporters after laboriously scrubbing it with 8 different kinds of soap, cleansers, solvents and lotions. “I ask you now — can you see any difference on this finger from the time it got painted just now?”

Aziz assured the public that the invisible ink, designed to last for at least a week, is halal and completely safe.

“Don’t worry, the ink is both JAKIM and SIRIM certified, it is very safe and would not impede any normal activity. Also, unlike the indelible ink used before, it would not stain your ballot paper or your clothes.”

Answering a question about a statement by Minister in the Prime Minister’s Department Datuk Seri Shahidan Kassim that the indelible ink used in GE13 was actually only food colouring, Aziz said that it was a simple misunderstanding, based on different interpretations of what ‘indelible’ means.

“Well, if you think about it, ‘indelible’ strongly alludes to food,” Aziz explained. “What does ‘deli’ mean? It’s short for ‘delicatessen‘, a place where food is served, and ‘indelible’ simply means [in] here is food [deli], and it is edi[ble]. See? Moreover, the word ‘delicious’ also has ‘deli’ in it, so technically we were right.”

Aziz said that it was crucial for EC to ensure that the process and tools are absolutely tamper-proof.

“We will always do more than what is necessary to make sure everyone is confident in the election results. In fact, in order to further strengthen the process, we have instructed our officers tasked with applying the invisible ink on each voter’s finger to paint clear water on their other 9 fingers, as a ‘placebo’ control mechanism. This way, the voter would never really know which finger had been painted with the actual invisible ink, and would not be able to wash it off,” he said.

“This move will prove to everyone that we are clear and transparent, like the invisible ink.”

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Ibrahim Ali appointed Minister of Awesomeness

KUALA LUMPUR — PERKASA president and all-around perfect guy Datuk Ibrahim Ali today expressed his gratitude and happiness to be included in Prime Minister Datuk Seri Najib Razak’s new cabinet line-up, heading the newly set-up Ministry of Awesomeness (Kementerian Kedahsyatan).

Speaking at a Press conference filled with journalists awed by his overwhelming awesomeness, Ibrahim said that his perfect, manly and chiseled figure, coupled with his stunning and flawless facial structure, made him the ideal candidate for the post.

OVERWHELMING AWESOMENESS: Ibrahim showing his hyper-awesome aura

OVERWHELMING AWESOMENESS: Ibrahim showing his hyper-awesome aura

“I don’t want to brag, but I am the obvious choice to head the ministry in charge of everything awesome in the country,” said Ibrahim confidently. “It’s natural selection.”

Oozing with greatness, the supreme leader continued, “No other leader exudes the level of perfection that I nonchalantly display. Try as they may, but they all pale in comparison. It’s not their fault, really. I’m just born this way.

“I mean, have you seen this?” he asked, flashing his ripped biceps to the pleasure of the ladies in the room and abject horror of the male reporters squirming in shame.

“Other people need to put in a lot of effort to be as outstanding, sexy and desirable but I, well, I just have to be me,” he added, his face glowing radiantly with love and magic.

Ibrahim also said that his appointment by the PM was not only due to his physical perfection, but his unparalleled substance too.

“I know it’s hard to believe, but the PM really looked past my good physical features in picking me for the job. He said to me, ‘Ibrahim, I want a cabinet that is more than skin deep, so please don’t get upset that I’m not looking at you directly when speaking to you. I don’t want to be swayed by your good looks.’

BIG RESPONSIBILITY: The new Ministry of Awesomeness

BIG RESPONSIBILITY: The new Ministry of Awesomeness

“I told him that I understood his need to have ministers with substance, and I fully respected that. Fortunately, I have unsurpassed intelligence and unchallenged moral compass, so that didn’t affect his decision to exclude physical beauty in his assessment,” said Ibrahim reflectively, as vapours eminated from his head due to his brain working beyond normal human capacity.

The handsome specimen of the perfect human being said that he would ensure that his ministry makes Malaysia  more awesome.

“The target is clear, make Malaysia a High Awesomeness Nation by 2020,” he said. “The rakyat have spoken, and the message is clear: they want to live in an awesome country, where everyone can be a little awesome too. The PM had promised that we SHALL be awesome, so I will ensure this Janji gets Ditepati.

“As such, I will use my limitless super-sapien abilities and personal experience being awesome to initiate projects that will benefit everyone, regardless of race, religion, social- and economic standing as well as political affiliation,” he affirmed, tears of joy and commitment streaming down his smooth cheeks. “I will work tirelessly to ensure that we all will have perfect lives, with absolutely nothing to complain about.

“I am the Awesome Minister for ALL Malaysians. I, am yours.”

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Phantom voters demand more phantom-friendly conditions

URGING EQUAL REPRESENTATION: PHAK president Minah Jelir

URGING EQUAL REPRESENTATION: PHAK president Minah Jelir

KUALA LUMPUR — Phantoms, ghosts, demons and other Malaysian supernatural beings across the country today urged the government and the Election Commission to make voting easier for them this coming 13th General Elections.

Speaking at their headquarters during an awkwardly-timed Press conference past midnight, Minah Jelir, President of Persatuan Hantu Kebangsaan (PHAK), said that in light of the huge number of registered ‘pengundi hantu’, the authorities should be more sensitive to their unique needs.

“For the longest time, we feel neglected and marginalised despite the fact that we make up a good percentage of the 13 million registered voters in the country,” said Minah, an 83-year old pontianak (female vampire) dressed in a fashionably long torn white robe, with the odd blood and dirt stain or two. “But every single election season, my people find that the voting conditions are simply deplorable.”

Minah pointed how the voting period of 8am to 5pm does not consider the nocturnal nature of ghouls and demons.

“For goodness sake, which phantom in their right mind stays up in the middle of the day?” asked Minah angrily. “Our skin burns when exposed to sunlight. No amount of SPF100 sunblock can protect us while queueing for our turn to cast our votes!” she growled, before relating the unfortunate incident in 2008 in which 3 hantu rayas (a type of demon that acts as a double for a black magic practitioner) burst into flames in the hot sun in Kodiang, Kedah. “It’s no secret that the undead are only active at night, so please extend the voting hours for us. Stop being so living-centric!”

Eyes glowing with fury, Minah also raised the issue of having to bring along an identification card in order to be allowed into a voting centre.

“Look, some of us ghosts pre-date Identification Cards and Malaysian passports, okay? Hantu Galah (pole ghost) out there is over 6,000 years old,” said Minah, gesturing to a tall, thin demon hiding behind a huge tree in the HQ compound. “And like many ghosts, he’s the introvert type too scared and shy to go to the National Registration Department to get his IC made. But does that mean he doesn’t have the right to determine who governs this fair land on which we haunt?”

Minah however said the association agreed that the Malaysian general election is only for Malaysian citizens. “We at PHAK fully support the condition that only Malaysians — humans or ghouls — get to vote here, this is our country and we should have the exclusive right to pick who leads us. so Count Dracula and his expat ‘mat salleh’ minions don’t qualify, just like my Kuntilanak cousins from Indonesia. But please, find another way to identify us. Surely you have the technology to do that?”

“And what’s with the indelible ink?” asked the bloodsucker from Kuala Selangor, whose victim tally is reportedly in the hundreds. “Sure, it works on human fingers, but what about those with less-than-alive skin and brimstone-hardened talons? The silver nitrate content of the ink does not go well with our dead cells!” she said, taking a swipe at the table she was seated at, leaving a set of horrifying deep gashes on the teak wood that made several Press members faint in fear. “Frankly I don’t see the point of painting some red ink on our fingers when our entire hands are covered in blood.

JUSTICE FOR EVERY'BODY': The Penanggalan vampire

JUSTICE FOR EVERY’BODY’: The Penanggalan vampire

NOT HANDS-ON: The tightly-shrouded Pocong

NOT HANDS-ON: The tightly-shrouded Pocong

“Plus, you know what’s the toughest part about this indelible ink business? It totally disregards the phantom voters who can’t get their hands extended to be painted, such as the Pocong (ghost in death shroud). And where is the Penanggalan (floating vampire head) supposed to be painted with the ink? Her entrails?” said Minah, pointing towards the ghastly ghoul at the back of the room while telling her to stop feeding from the neck of a petrified Harian Metro journalist.

“The Election Commission also must address the age requirements for voters,” she added. “While the rules for the living may be clear, the EC should think about how the 21-and-above rule applies to my old-but-forever-young colleague, Toyol (child spirit used by black magic practitioners to steal). He may look like a typical 2-year old, but ladies and gentlemen, he’s been 2 for the last 150 years.”

The pontianak continued, “We want the government to introduce some comprehensive changes to enable ghosts and phantom voters to perform our civic duty in peace. We understand that you humans may not want to cast your votes amongst us — our horrid appearance may strike mortal fear in many of you, but believe me, some of us do not wish to be seen amongst the living too.

KID AT HEART: The Toyol

KID AT HEART: The Toyol

“So we urge EC to provide a separate venue and time for us soulless beings. A place where we can vote without causing mass hysteria or being jeered, or worse still — victimised by ghost hunters. A place where less-than-modest ghosts like Hantu Kopek (demon that suffocates her victims with her killer breasts) can do her deed without shame,” said Minah, her fangs glistening in the moonlight peering through the window.

Asked what would be the association’s hopes for the future of Malaysia, Miss Jelir said that she envisions a time where phantoms and humans can co-exist in peace and harmony.

“Yes, we may have many issues to iron out,” she said, eyes tearing from her emotions and raw exposed nerves. “Our kind may find difficulty finding alternative food sources — you living do taste good. But if we could just put all these petty issues behind us and focus on our future and the rakyat’s wellbeing, we can all be happy together.

“I’d like to see one of my kind in Parliament one day. Imagine that, a Yang Berpuaka debating on education or defence issues with a Yang Berhormat. That would be just inspiring!” said Minah, before letting out a banshee-like laughter and flying off into the cloudless night.

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Anwar: PR to take Cyberjaya if Putrajaya bid fails

ANWAR: "Putrajaya isn't the only option"

ANWAR: “Putrajaya isn’t the only option”

KUALA LUMPUR — With the general election date looming, Opposition leader Datuk Seri Anwar Ibrahim today said that Pakatan Rakyat’s drive to take over Putrajaya is in full swing. However, he stated that should that goal not be met, the coalition, comprising PKR, DAP and PAS, would be happy to capture Cyberjaya instead.

“We understand that with all the campaign money spent by the other side, it’s an uphill battle to wrestle Putrajaya from Barisan Nasional,” said Anwar at the campaign headquarters in Kelana Jaya to reporters. “What more with constituency demarcations and other naughty things that happen during the elections, we’ve certainly got the odds stacked against us.

“So our strategy is two-prong: should Putrajaya fail, our Plan B is to take its next-door neighbour, Cyberjaya,” he said confidently, as his lieutenants nodded in unison. “It may not be as glamorous as Putrajaya, but it has its charms.”

“Cyberjaya has some good-looking buildings and road designs. I think the Shell building, with its futuristic theme, looks awesome. And the MDeC office building — its homely atmosphere is absolutely a bliss,” he said, showing some A3-sized photos of iconic structures in the IT hub.

COMPARABLE: Putrajaya night scene (top) and Cyberjaya's planned Sky Park (bottom)

COMPARABLE: Putrajaya night scene (top) and Cyberjaya’s planned Sky Park (bottom)

“Fine, Putrajaya has a big lake and a bunch of fancy bridges littering the city, but really, who needs a huge lake with bridges? And Alamanda mall? Cyberjaya’s got Street Mall, baby!” said Anwar, referring to the cluster of various stores comprising Hassan’s Cafe mamak shop, Gomez Polyclinic, Kyros Kebab, Penang Cafe and the odd sundry shop, telco distributor, art shop, print shop, laundry service and other eateries. “And with more shopping centres and office blocks coming up such as de’Pulze, Shaftsbury and Sky Park, it’s a thriving place to be seen at.”

Anwar also pointed out the difference between the Putrajaya population and the residents of Cyberjaya. “While Putrajaya may have the clean-cut family community, Cyberjaya is filled with young and energetic students, thanks to Limkokwing University of Creative Technology, Multimedia University and a few other colleges. This is not counting the young technocrats that make up the population. For goodness sake, Cyberjaya’s got TWO Starbucks within walking distance to each other!,” he enthused.

Answering a reporter’s question about what he’d do if Pakatan fails to capture even Cyberjaya, Anwar gave a firm answer, “Well, there’s always Petaling Jaya, Subang Jaya, TTDI Jaya or even Bertam Jaya, which was formerly known as Batang Berjuntai. So, there’s plenty of options for us. We’re very confident of capturing at least one of those.”

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EC confirms 13th General Election on May 5, to exclude swimsuit competition

KUALA LUMPUR — The Elections Commission today announced that the Malaysian 13th General Election will be held on May 5, 2013, and would not be including the swimsuit portion of the competition.

Making the announcement after a two-hour meeting in Putrajaya this morning, EC chairman Tan Sri Abdul Aziz Mohd Yusof said that the commission decided to omit the traditional pageant two-piece portion to make the elections process more clean and Syariah-compliant.

“We will, however, still continue with the evening gown and talent contest,” said Abdul Aziz, much to the relief of the Press members present at the media conference. “In lieu of prevalent sensitivities, we must ensure that the election respects everyone’s feeling, despite the need to keep it exciting and entertaining, as well as transparent and fair. And lovely too.”

Abdul Aziz said that the race to capture Parliament and state assembly seats would begin with candidate nominations on April 20, and urged the competing parties to use the the 3-week campaign period in in a civil manner.

“No shenanigans, no tomfoolery, and that is final. The EC expects each candidate to carry themselves with dignity and grace,” he said sternly. “In the past we have received complaints of sabotage and other unsportsman-like conduct to discredit opponents. Well, no more. We will be deploying many more officers to check on unfair campaign tactics and ensure voters would be able to make free and informed decisions.”

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FOR THE WINNER: Abdul Aziz showing the winner’s tiara

Abdul Aziz then offered his advice, “Candidates from all parties, be it Barisan Nasional, Pakatan Rakyat or independent ones, should be focusing on clarifying their promises and manifesto to their potential constituencies, as well as clarifying their facial complexion. A beautiful complexion, together with a presentable attire and good stance, is very important to capture the imagination of the voters.

“Spend the campaign period wisely by engaging the best beauty products, beauticians and mak andams (beauty consultants typically hired by brides for their special day). Book your spa sessions early, as you may be amongst the few left on their own come polling day!,” he said, adding that traditional mandi lulur, mandi susu and make-up packages are not government controlled items, so the prices would probably be inflated for the next few weeks. “Ensure that the spas and beauty salons are registered with us to avoid being cheated.

“Other than that, do spend some time preparing for the talent competition,” said Abdul Aziz, referring to the most challenging portion of the contest. “In the past, we’ve had to endure many candidates making a fool of themselves on stage, singing off-tune, forgetting lyrics or completely destroying songs banging on the piano. Please, take this competition seriously.

“If you’re playing any musical instrument, please ensure that they are presentable and fully-tuned. And whatever you’re singing, be it pop, rock, ethnic-creative or reggae, do bring the minus one in the correct format, preferably WAV or MP3, and please, no lip-sync this year. If you’re telling jokes, test them out to friends and family members whom you know would give honest critiques.

“And for goodness sake, if you’re performing any tricks involving fire, do not wear pyrophilic attire or fire-prone wigs, that’s just asking for trouble!” said Abdul Aziz, referring to one rather unfortunate second-degree burn incident involving a PAS candidate during GE10.

Abdul Aziz also encouraged the parties to ensure their nominees get proper health check and quality assurance. “Not only should the candidates be screened for elements of corruption or wrongdoings via MACC or other auditing bodies, they should also be screened to exclude any genetically modified (GM) ingredients.

“In fact, I would go so far as to encourage them to get proper SIRIM and ISO certifications, in addition to obtaining Halal certification from JAKIM. This would tell the voters ‘I’m a winnable candidate’!”

The EC chairman added that the GE13 organiser have spared no expense in ensuring that the elections are of the highest, global quality.

GLORY & GRACE: A sample of the sash for the winning candidates

GLORY & GRACE: A sample of the sash for the winning candidates

“The tiara for the ultimate winner — the PM’s post — was specially designed by Habib Jewels,” he said, proudly showing the gorgeous creation, made with platinum, diamonds, set with a twenty-one carat cabochon-cut white opal and a three carat Burmese pigeon’s blood ruby. “And this sash, to be given to the winning candidate of each parliamentary or state seat, is made of pure Chinese silk, woven by the the finest artisans.”

The grand finale is scheduled to be televised ‘live’ via RTM on the eve of polling day.

EC has also engaged the best local couturers for the evening gown event. “Datuk Jimmy Choo, Zang Toi, Rizalman, Bernard Chandran — you name it, we’ve got it!” said Abdul Aziz, snapping his fingers three times, moving his head from side-to-side. “It’s going to be completely fah-bulous, honey.”

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