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Obama excited to begin moonlighting as Indonesian president next week

WORK HARDER: Obama is quite certain he'll be able to split his time being presidents of both countries

WORK HARDER: Obama is quite certain he’ll be able to split his time being presidents of both countries

WASHINGTON, DC — US President Barack Obama today expressed his excitement to officially begin his second job as the President of the Republic of Indonesia on October 20th, after months successfully campaigning across the Southeast Asian country using the more localised pseudonym of ‘Joko Widodo’, and keeping it secret from his family.

Accompanied by his wife and speaking from the White House lawn to reporters this morning, President Obama said that he was really glad to be finally able to come clean about his additional occupation, and said he ‘feels no shame about holding two jobs’ to supplement his income.

“A lot of people do part-time jobs or even hold two jobs to support their families, so I don’t see why I can’t do the same,” said the Commander-in-Chief. “Times are getting harder for everyone, what with rising cost of living and staggering inflation these days, a typical wage-earner like myself cannot just depend on income from one source. One salary just ain’t enough, it’s just reality of living in an urban area.

SUPPORTIVE: The President and the First Lady during the announcement

SUPPORTIVE: The President and the First Lady during the announcement

“A recent survey has found that Washington, DC is THE most expensive city to live in. Not just in America, mind you, but the most expensive in the world. And I’ve got two growing up kids. A big house to pay for every month, with its own staff to maintain. A few cars with drivers and security detail, and not to mention a plane, plus a couple of helicopters. For a government servant like me, it can be pretty tough,” he added, as First Lady Michelle put her hand on his shoulder.

Obama’s second job will see him succeeding Susilo Bambang Yudhoyono after defeating Prabowo Subianto at the polls in a tight race, receiving 53% of the votes.

“Campaigning across Indonesia was quite a challenge,” recalled Obama, who in fact spent a few years during childhood growing up in Indonesia. “I had to dig deep into my childhood memories running around my auntie’s place in east Jakarta. All those great times picking mangosteens, jumping into streams, fishing. Fortunately I still remember some Bahasa phrases like ‘Aku Cinta Kamu’ and ‘Trima Kasih.’ I had to connect with the voters; be one of them. I had to sneak out of meetings to make video calls, record speeches. I had to fake business trips to that region so that no one could smell what I was doing. And I had to do this while not getting recognised by my team — and my wife!” adding that traditional headgears and batik, as well as a different hairdo and makeup definitely helped.

The president said that despite the demands of the jobs, he believes he would be able to split his time between the two nations.

“Both government systems are pretty well-oiled, so I don’t see any problem presiding over both administrations,” he said confidently. “In fact, I’m an advocate for flexible working arrangements, and I’ve invested quite heavily in getting myself wired in. The Oval Office is really just a symbol of my US presidency, but the fact of the matter is, with mobile technology, social media tools and cloud computing, I can work from virtually anywhere. Hey there, Big J!” said Obama as he demonstrated Skyping with his future (Indonesian) vice-president Jusuf Kalla all the way in Jakarta.

CLOSE RACE: Obama during the presidential debate with Prabowo Subianto

CLOSE RACE: Obama during the presidential debate with Prabowo Subianto

“The really good thing about being the leader of these two nations is that they’re on opposite sides of the world,” said Obama. “So I can focus on one country while the other goes to sleep. Pretty convenient, really, there’s little chance of me being confused about which government I’m representing at any one time.

“I’d hate to be in an awkward situation where I’m meeting, say, President Putin, and start talking about sustained development in Jawa Tengah when I should be reprimanding him about Russia’s escalating military presence in Ukraine!” he said in jest, much to the delight of those present.

The president assured the public in both nations that he would be very careful in utilising the resources given to him as head of government.

“I’m very clear with my people that Air Force One is only used when I’m wearing my US President hat. That goes with The Beast too. Once I clock in the Indonesian office, I’ll only use Jakarta-issued facilities and even staff. I’m all about transparency and accountability.”

Michelle Obama added that while she was initially surprised by her husband’s decision to take on the second job, she’s fully supportive and would ensure he gets all the help he can from the rest of the family.

“I know he’s doing it for me and the kids. He’s not the type who takes on more things unless he really believes it’d be good for the family,” she said. “We’ve worked out some tight time management with everyone, so that we can spend as much quality time together as possible. I’m not too concerned. I mean, I’m more than capable to doing some of the errands he usually does like picking up the kids from soccer practice and all. Plus, he’s always got his iPad on him, so he’ll always be on top of things at work. No biggie.

“Besides, we’ve always needed a reason to go travel together to that part of the world, we never found the right time. Now the girls and I can always chill out in Bali or shop for batik in Bandung any time!”

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Scientists: Mysterious large hole in Siberia is Earth’s bunghole

RUSSIAN FEDERATION: A group of scientists have found that the mysterious black hole which appeared suddenly near Yamal, in the northern region of Siberia, was actually the planet’s fart-tunnel.

GAS ALERT: Scientists have confirmed that mysterious hole is Earth's bum cavity

GAS ALERT: Scientists have confirmed that mysterious hole is Earth’s bum cavity

According to Professor Dr Dmitri Igunov, head researcher at the University of Tobolsk’s geology department, the 260-foot hole, discovered recently by a cameraman on board a helicopter which passed over the formation, was a natural phenomenon that served as Earth’s avenue to excrete waste and excess gas.

“I’ve often said that Earth, as a living planet, is very similar to any other living organism,” said Dr Igunov, looking over his team of 8 geologists surveying the site. “And just like any animal, the planet also has to have a bunghole to enable her to pass gas and other waste products.”

Dr Igunov explained that the crater-like black hole was the ‘end of an intricate system of planetary intestines’.

“I would call it a ‘cavity’ instead of a cave, and this is one hole you wouldn’t want to explore or go splunking in. In mother Earth’s innards, you will find all the things you would normally find in any animal belly — food being processed and digested, toxic gas being spewed.. the usual stuff. The results of our study and indications from our sensitive geological equipment have confirmed that this isn’t a normal sinkhole or cave system. It is indeed, an arse,” said the researcher, who added that this was the first time in history that anyone has seen Earth’s butt.

Asked why the Earth-butt was located in the northern part of the planet and not the southern hemisphere which would more appropriately be considered the ‘bottom’, Dr Igunov said that due to the planet’s spheric shape and physical detachment to any other celestial body, the concept of ‘top’ or ‘bottom’ does not apply.

HOLE-Y DISCOVERY: Dr Igunov at the edge of the planet's endhole

HOLE-Y DISCOVERY: Dr Igunov at the edge of the planet’s endhole

“It’s silly to think that a ball has a top or bottom, is it not? We only consider ‘north’ to point upwards and ‘south’ to point downwards because somebody decided to do so a long time ago. It was a convention, not a fact,” Dr Igunov argued. “In fact, the position of our own ‘bottom’ is completely dependent on our body’s overall position and angle, correct? When we’re sleeping on our backs, our bottoms would be at the lowest point, however, if we were to flip over, then our butts would be at the highest point, would it not?

“So who are we to say that the planet’s butt cannot be ‘up’ here in the north of Siberia?”

Dr Igunov additionally dismissed claims that the giant hole had extraterrestrial origins.

“For goodness sake, this is science, not some fantasy! While as a scientist, I cannot deny the possibility of the existence of otherworldly beings, I can safely say that this giant hole here is nothing but Earth’s private backside part. I don’t understand why it’s so hard to accept that. If you were to hear about animals and humans not having a bunghole to expel their waste products, it would be very strange. Why can’t the planet have one too?”

The researcher also took the opportunity to warn would-be tourists to stay away from the hole.

“Look, ‘Yamal’ in Siberian language means ‘End of the World’, so that explains the hole’s function, and kind of serves as a warning to anyone foolish enough to want to dive in. So far, our sensors have not detected any impending discharges anytime soon, but believe me, everyone farts and poops. You wouldn’t want to be here when that happens.

“Now please, we don’t have much time, let my team and I continue with our anal-ysis,” he said, laughing at his own scientist-toilet joke.

 

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Selangor denies water has heavy metals; only pop rock, R&B

SHAH ALAM — The Selangor state government has slammed a news report by the New Straits Times yesterday which claimed that water from unused mining pools being channeled into the state’s water supply contained unsafe levels of toxic heavy metals.

LOUD LIQUID: Selangor has denied the presence of heavy metals in its water supply

LOUD LIQUID: Selangor has denied the presence of heavy metals in its water supply

According to the front page report by the NST, an independent analysis of water samples taken from these mining ponds showed high content of hard metal, which it stated was above safe limits and hazardous to health.

In a press conference here today, state Youth, Sports, Infrastructure and Public Amenities committee chairman Dr Ahmad Yunus Hairi said the daily’s allegation was incorrect, as tests done by the Selangor Water Management Board (LUAS) showed no traces of heavy metals, but instead only had pleasant levels of pop rock, rhythm & blues and hints of reggae.

“We vehemently dispute NST’s erroneous report of the presence of heavy metals or any other types of corrosive music genres in our water supply,” said Dr Ahmad furiously. “We are here to deny their claim of traces of Slayer, Black Sabbath, Motorhead and Megadeth in the water — we find it laughable and irresponsible. Do they even know what heavy metal sounds like?”

Dr Ahmad said that repeated tests done by independent water experts and music producers commissioned by LUAS have confirmed that water from the unused mining pools being pumped into Sungai Selangor only contained music genres safe for families.

“Tell me something, would you consider Pixie Lott songs ‘heavy metal’? Or One Direction? Our comprehensive tests, involving over 200 samples taken at different times of day, locations and depths have only uncovered music that are too safe even to get PG-13 rating,” he said, as LUAS Director Tuan Md Khairi Selamat nodded in agreement. “If these so-called investigative journalists and editors are NST feel that Taylor Swift or John Legend is hard metal and dangerous for consumers, then I don’t know what else to say.”

HARDLY HEAVY: Dr Ahmad (left) and Tuan Md Khairi showing the test results done by LUAS

HARDLY HEAVY: Dr Ahmad (left) and Tuan Md Khairi showing the test results done by LUAS

 

“Luas, together with the Selangor State Health Department have been conducting sampling on all alternative water sources since 2011,” said Khairi. “Analysis on alternative water samples was conducted by the Malaysian Chemistry Department and Jabatan Kebudayaan Selangor, and we found the water in the mining pools to be safe for consumption.”

After giving an impromptu humming performance of John Legend’s ‘All Of Me’, Dr Ahmad said that other than pop rock and R&B, negligible traces of reggae had been found, but it was ‘not a cause for concern’.

“Yes, I do agree that reggae is often associated with the use of weed, but science has never proven that there is a direct correlation between the music genre and the consumption of the narcotic,” he said, pointing to a chart showing a small picture of Bob Marley. “Besides — without alluding to any opinions whether my own or that of the state government — limited legalised use of marijuana is being experimented in parts of the US and Europe, so I wouldn’t say that science has conclusively found the plant dangerous to health.

“So we hereby challenge our critics, especially the New Straits Times, to prove us wrong,” he said. “We’re giving them 48 hours to bring us the evidence, or make a formal apology and correction.

“In fact, let’s do a music showdown — we’ll bring our music experts from our Jabatan Kebudayaan, and you bring your entertainment editors and music critics, we’ll see who’s right, and who’ll drink the humble water.”

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Bird expert: Kajang by-election winner could go extinct

KUALA LUMPUR — Winning the Kajang by-election could spell political doom for the victor, a leading ornithologist (expert on birds) said today.

According to Dr Bulleau Plëpha, head zoologist the Max Planck Institute for Ornithology, the signs are clearly showing that contesting in the Selangor state constituency was a bad idea, and even if one wins the fight, his career will not take flight.

Cautioning Datuk Seri Anwar Ibrahim (PKR) and anyone else planning to nominate themselves for the N25 ADUN seat, Dr Plëpha said his assessment was based on the fact that the shape of the Kajang constituency is too similar to the dodo bird (Raphus Cucullatus), an extinct flightless bird that was endemic to the island of Mauritius.

RISKY CONTEST: Kajang could spell political extinction to the victor

RISKY CONTEST: Kajang could spell political extinction to the victor

“The similarity just cannot be ignored,” said Dr Plëpha. “Look at them both … Kajang looks like a silhouette of the dodo, looking up to the sky reflecting on its own sad demise. This scientific deduction can only mean one thing — winning the N25 seat will not augur well for the victor’s political ambitions!”

Dr Plëpha added that the dodo’s lack of fear of humans was the reason it was so easy to be captured and killed. “Some people say it was intrepidness that caused the Raphus Cucullatus’ extinction. It had no issues with fraternising with other species which were their own predators. Fearlessness? I’d say it was foolishness!

“And likewise, trying to ‘win’ this dodo-inspired constituency would be an act of foolishness and political suicide!”

The Kajang state seat fell vacant following the resignation of incumbent assemblymen Lee Chin Cheh of PKR on Jan 27. The Election Commission has announced that it would meet on February 5 to discuss the nomination and polling dates. The state seat comprises 38,965 registered voters. At the last general election in May, 2013, the seat saw a voter turnout of 87.9% with 541 spoilt votes. It has 48% Malay voters, Chinese 41%, Indian 10% and others 1%. In the 2013 general election PKR’s Lee garnered 19,571 votes followed by Lee Ban Seng (Barisan Nasional-MCA) with 12,747 votes and Mohamad Ismail (Berjasa) 1,014 votes.

Dr Plëpha offered his advice to interested contenders: “Should you feel the need to contest in that dodo danger-zone, keep your expectations low. It’s not a thriving place for any bird or fowl, what with Kajang being famous for its chicken satay. Your political outlook may just be similar.”

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Canada: Bieber barred from returning, deportation by US considered act of war

OTTAWA — The Canadian government announced today that any move by neighbouring US government to send singer Justin Bieber back home is ‘unconscionable’ and would be considered an act of war.

HARPER: My duty to protect Canada

HARPER: My duty to protect Canada

Speaking from the PM’s Office in Parliament Hill, Prime Minister Stephen Harper said that the current effort by Americans to deport the 19-year-old through the online petition to the White House is of ‘major concern’.

“The Canadian government certainly takes this issue very seriously, as it could potentially affect our national security as well as economic and social stability,” said Harper, denouncing the move. “When the ‘subject’ decided to move to Los Angeles in 2008 and the US people wholeheartedly accepted his relocation, it was a one-way deal, and we clearly stated that it was permanent. This is not Walmart — there’s no return policy here.”

WILD BOY: Bieber behaving badly

WILD BOY: Bieber behaving badly

Bieber, who recently ran afoul of the law after he was arrested for drag racing and DUI in addition to resisting arrest in Miami, became the latest subject in the White House’s Online Petition initiative. Concerned Americans fed-up with his spoilt-brat antics filed a petition calling for the deportation of the superstar back to his home country or anywhere ‘that’s not the US’. According to the website, the White House promises to review any petition by the public which gathers more than 100,000 signatures in 30 days, and the ‘Deport Bieber’ petition surpassed 175,000 in just 6 days.

“We understand that our brothers and sisters down south may have reached their boiling point after seeing the girly-boy turn from a Youtube child sensation into an uber-rich, ungrateful piece of blonde crap, soaking up valuable oxygen and displaying the kind of decadent excesses which would make any working American vomit blood,” said Harper empathically. “But sorry, you let him in. Now he’s your problem.”

OUT: The online White House petition

OUT: The online White House petition

Bieber, who rose to stardom under the mentorship of pop singer Usher via songs such as ‘Baby’, ‘Boyfriend’ and ‘Never Say Never’, movie and TV appearances as well as hooking up with Selena Gomez, has had a stellar career in the short span of 5 years, amassing a personal fortune of US$160 million. However, the constant spotlight has somehow turned the youngster into a rather unpleasant and wild person who has no issue getting high or drunk, terrorising neighbours, bringing exotic monkeys into other countries and urinating into random janitor mop buckets.

Harper added that it’s not proper for countries to import something only to try to return it just because it’s gone rotten.

“Look, we gave the US Avril Lavigne, Alanis Morissette, Shania Twain and Celine Dion, and the country had no problem enjoying our gifts and exploiting the products of the Canadian creative environment. They were all great, iconic personalities which brought nothing but happiness to your country. You give them Green Cards, but once one of them gets bad and unruly, you want to send it back? That’s not fair — you gotta take the good with the bad, eh?

“Okay, maybe Celine Dion was a bad example. But you get the point.”

The PM said that the border authorities had been instructed to increase its patrols to ensure Bieber doesn’t get through.

“We’re on high alert. Maintaining order and good sense is priority in Canada. Having the Americans violate this would mean severe diplomatic consequences,” stressed Harper. “My job is to protect innocent Canadian lives, and my government firmly stands behind this decision.”

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Selangor introduces more water authority bodies to combat confusion

SHAH ALAM — The Selangor state government today announced the formation of more organisations that would look over water supply matters in the state, in an effort to counter the confusion amongst the people regarding the roles of the existing water authority bodies.

CLEARER WATER: New authority bodies to simplify water management & avoid confusion

CLEARER WATER: New authority bodies to simplify water management & avoid confusion

Speaking to reporters at his office, Mentri Besar Tan Sri Abdul Khalid Ibrahim said that the government realises that with the many different national and state agencies, firms, commissions, service departments and committees dealing with the water issue today, such as SYABAS (Syarikat Bekalan Air Selangor), PUAS (Perbadanan Urus Air Selangor), LUAS (Lembaga Urus Air Selangor), SPAN (Suruhanjaya Perkhidmatan Air Negara), Puncak Niaga, PUSPEL and perhaps several others, the rakyat may be rather confused about their functions and responsibilities.

“We admit, it’s hard to point the finger at the right organisation when facing problems such as the emergency water stoppage this weekend,” said a forlorn Khalid, cautiously and slowly sipping on a glass of water. “I mean, we in the administration also have problems trying to figure out who does what and who’s supposed to be taking care of which part of the water supply, what more the regular folks?

“And this confusion is further made worse by the tug-of-war between the Federal government and the State goverment … the different messages and propaganda you find in newspapers and portals on both sides are clouding the complicated situation even more!” said Khalid.

“As such, we’re taking the proactive measure of introducing more bodies to take care of the specific functions in the complex process. Hopefully this would simplify things and make the people happier.”

Asked to give the specific numbers and names of the new agencies, Khalid said that in total, there will be around 10 to 15 new bodies, plus minus 2 or 3 and depending on whom you ask at what time of the day and what day of the week.

“We’ll have the Kumpulan Eksesais & Latihan Air Selangor (KELAS) to train all the waterworks employees in the art of waterworking, Krew Enforsmen & Rondaan Air Selangor (KERAS) to handle all water supply and billing collection enforcement-related matters, Perbadanan Urusetia Laluan Air Selangor (PULAS) to take care of the turning on and off of water taps in the reservoirs and Team Percikan Air Selangor (TEMPIAS), who will smoothen the water pipes and canals to ensure that we don’t lose too much water from splashes and leakages.

“Of course, we’ll have our emergency response committee to deal with water disruptions, Committee for Emergency Management and Action for Selangor (CEMAS), and they will work closely with the Legal Management Affairs of Selangor (LEMAS), when things really get out of control,” said Khalid, confidently. “And we’ve also got the Pejabat Anti Negatif Air Selangor (PANAS) to handle the public and media relations, and they will be supported by the state-funded, pseudo-NGO Kumpulan Inspirasi Penduduk Awam Selangor (KIPAS), who will manage public perception.”

Khalid said that he was confident the new organisations will help the rakyat get a clear picture about the water supply issues in the state, and they would be happier with the improved service.

“The authorities I mentioned just now, along with a few others I can’t recall right now, plus some yet-to-be properly named ones, will work as one to ensure everyone gets some seriously quality water. Everyone has a job to do, and clear functions for the people to refer to.

“So no worries about hitting a brick wall or not getting any response when you need action — each of these organisations will be centrally managed by a committee that has the authority to take immediate and decisive action when needed, the Majlis Agensi-agensi & Lembaga-lembaga Air Selangor (MALAS).”

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EC to introduce invisible ink in Kuala Besut by-election

PUTRAJAYA — The Election Commission today announced that the July 24 Kuala Besut by-election will utilise a high-technology invisible ink to ensure a clean and fair voting process.

FAIR & TRANSPARENT: The new invisible ink to be used in Kuala Besut

FAIR & TRANSPARENT: The new invisible ink to be used in Kuala Besut

EC Chairman Tan Sri Abdul Aziz Yusof said the decision was made based on the  post-mortem on the use of the indelible ink in the 13th General Election, which was heavily criticised by several parties for its non-permanency, casting doubt on the electoral integrity. Stressing that the new ink, made from high-grade, permanent invisible pigments of natural origins, would leave no room for doubt, he said that it was chosen to ‘silence the critics’.

“The recently-concluded election was the first time we used indelible ink and admittedly, there were some weaknesses,” said Aziz. “Among them were the ink was easy to be removed, slow to dry and caused difficulties to voters since it could  stain the ballot papers.

“However, we’ve learned from these weaknesses and have taken the necessary steps to ensure this by-election process is air-tight. Unlike the indelible ink used in GE13, the invisible ink we are using in Kuala Besut can never be washed off, no matter how hard you try,” said Aziz confidently.

With an assistant demonstrating the effectiveness and ultra-permanent properties of the ink, Aziz said that the invisibility of the liquid would make it virtually impossible for would-be fraudsters to do their dirty deed.

UNWASHABLE: Aziz's assistant showing her index finger, still clearly marked by the invisible ink

UNWASHABLE: Aziz’s assistant showing her index finger, still clearly marked by the invisible ink

“While in May, those who may have thought about voting twice found it possible to wash off the coloured ink from their fingers, this time, since they won’t be able to see the ‘before-and-after’ effect of any attempted washing, they would never be able to know if they’ve really managed to remove the ink successfully!” declared Aziz, showing his assistant’s clean, untainted index finger to reporters after laboriously scrubbing it with 8 different kinds of soap, cleansers, solvents and lotions. “I ask you now — can you see any difference on this finger from the time it got painted just now?”

Aziz assured the public that the invisible ink, designed to last for at least a week, is halal and completely safe.

“Don’t worry, the ink is both JAKIM and SIRIM certified, it is very safe and would not impede any normal activity. Also, unlike the indelible ink used before, it would not stain your ballot paper or your clothes.”

Answering a question about a statement by Minister in the Prime Minister’s Department Datuk Seri Shahidan Kassim that the indelible ink used in GE13 was actually only food colouring, Aziz said that it was a simple misunderstanding, based on different interpretations of what ‘indelible’ means.

“Well, if you think about it, ‘indelible’ strongly alludes to food,” Aziz explained. “What does ‘deli’ mean? It’s short for ‘delicatessen‘, a place where food is served, and ‘indelible’ simply means [in] here is food [deli], and it is edi[ble]. See? Moreover, the word ‘delicious’ also has ‘deli’ in it, so technically we were right.”

Aziz said that it was crucial for EC to ensure that the process and tools are absolutely tamper-proof.

“We will always do more than what is necessary to make sure everyone is confident in the election results. In fact, in order to further strengthen the process, we have instructed our officers tasked with applying the invisible ink on each voter’s finger to paint clear water on their other 9 fingers, as a ‘placebo’ control mechanism. This way, the voter would never really know which finger had been painted with the actual invisible ink, and would not be able to wash it off,” he said.

“This move will prove to everyone that we are clear and transparent, like the invisible ink.”

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