Tag Archives: GE13

Phantom voters demand more phantom-friendly conditions

URGING EQUAL REPRESENTATION: PHAK president Minah Jelir

URGING EQUAL REPRESENTATION: PHAK president Minah Jelir

KUALA LUMPUR — Phantoms, ghosts, demons and other Malaysian supernatural beings across the country today urged the government and the Election Commission to make voting easier for them this coming 13th General Elections.

Speaking at their headquarters during an awkwardly-timed Press conference past midnight, Minah Jelir, President of Persatuan Hantu Kebangsaan (PHAK), said that in light of the huge number of registered ‘pengundi hantu’, the authorities should be more sensitive to their unique needs.

“For the longest time, we feel neglected and marginalised despite the fact that we make up a good percentage of the 13 million registered voters in the country,” said Minah, an 83-year old pontianak (female vampire) dressed in a fashionably long torn white robe, with the odd blood and dirt stain or two. “But every single election season, my people find that the voting conditions are simply deplorable.”

Minah pointed how the voting period of 8am to 5pm does not consider the nocturnal nature of ghouls and demons.

“For goodness sake, which phantom in their right mind stays up in the middle of the day?” asked Minah angrily. “Our skin burns when exposed to sunlight. No amount of SPF100 sunblock can protect us while queueing for our turn to cast our votes!” she growled, before relating the unfortunate incident in 2008 in which 3 hantu rayas (a type of demon that acts as a double for a black magic practitioner) burst into flames in the hot sun in Kodiang, Kedah. “It’s no secret that the undead are only active at night, so please extend the voting hours for us. Stop being so living-centric!”

Eyes glowing with fury, Minah also raised the issue of having to bring along an identification card in order to be allowed into a voting centre.

“Look, some of us ghosts pre-date Identification Cards and Malaysian passports, okay? Hantu Galah (pole ghost) out there is over 6,000 years old,” said Minah, gesturing to a tall, thin demon hiding behind a huge tree in the HQ compound. “And like many ghosts, he’s the introvert type too scared and shy to go to the National Registration Department to get his IC made. But does that mean he doesn’t have the right to determine who governs this fair land on which we haunt?”

Minah however said the association agreed that the Malaysian general election is only for Malaysian citizens. “We at PHAK fully support the condition that only Malaysians — humans or ghouls — get to vote here, this is our country and we should have the exclusive right to pick who leads us. so Count Dracula and his expat ‘mat salleh’ minions don’t qualify, just like my Kuntilanak cousins from Indonesia. But please, find another way to identify us. Surely you have the technology to do that?”

“And what’s with the indelible ink?” asked the bloodsucker from Kuala Selangor, whose victim tally is reportedly in the hundreds. “Sure, it works on human fingers, but what about those with less-than-alive skin and brimstone-hardened talons? The silver nitrate content of the ink does not go well with our dead cells!” she said, taking a swipe at the table she was seated at, leaving a set of horrifying deep gashes on the teak wood that made several Press members faint in fear. “Frankly I don’t see the point of painting some red ink on our fingers when our entire hands are covered in blood.

JUSTICE FOR EVERY'BODY': The Penanggalan vampire

JUSTICE FOR EVERY’BODY’: The Penanggalan vampire

NOT HANDS-ON: The tightly-shrouded Pocong

NOT HANDS-ON: The tightly-shrouded Pocong

“Plus, you know what’s the toughest part about this indelible ink business? It totally disregards the phantom voters who can’t get their hands extended to be painted, such as the Pocong (ghost in death shroud). And where is the Penanggalan (floating vampire head) supposed to be painted with the ink? Her entrails?” said Minah, pointing towards the ghastly ghoul at the back of the room while telling her to stop feeding from the neck of a petrified Harian Metro journalist.

“The Election Commission also must address the age requirements for voters,” she added. “While the rules for the living may be clear, the EC should think about how the 21-and-above rule applies to my old-but-forever-young colleague, Toyol (child spirit used by black magic practitioners to steal). He may look like a typical 2-year old, but ladies and gentlemen, he’s been 2 for the last 150 years.”

The pontianak continued, “We want the government to introduce some comprehensive changes to enable ghosts and phantom voters to perform our civic duty in peace. We understand that you humans may not want to cast your votes amongst us — our horrid appearance may strike mortal fear in many of you, but believe me, some of us do not wish to be seen amongst the living too.

KID AT HEART: The Toyol

KID AT HEART: The Toyol

“So we urge EC to provide a separate venue and time for us soulless beings. A place where we can vote without causing mass hysteria or being jeered, or worse still — victimised by ghost hunters. A place where less-than-modest ghosts like Hantu Kopek (demon that suffocates her victims with her killer breasts) can do her deed without shame,” said Minah, her fangs glistening in the moonlight peering through the window.

Asked what would be the association’s hopes for the future of Malaysia, Miss Jelir said that she envisions a time where phantoms and humans can co-exist in peace and harmony.

“Yes, we may have many issues to iron out,” she said, eyes tearing from her emotions and raw exposed nerves. “Our kind may find difficulty finding alternative food sources — you living do taste good. But if we could just put all these petty issues behind us and focus on our future and the rakyat’s wellbeing, we can all be happy together.

“I’d like to see one of my kind in Parliament one day. Imagine that, a Yang Berpuaka debating on education or defence issues with a Yang Berhormat. That would be just inspiring!” said Minah, before letting out a banshee-like laughter and flying off into the cloudless night.

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EC confirms 13th General Election on May 5, to exclude swimsuit competition

KUALA LUMPUR — The Elections Commission today announced that the Malaysian 13th General Election will be held on May 5, 2013, and would not be including the swimsuit portion of the competition.

Making the announcement after a two-hour meeting in Putrajaya this morning, EC chairman Tan Sri Abdul Aziz Mohd Yusof said that the commission decided to omit the traditional pageant two-piece portion to make the elections process more clean and Syariah-compliant.

“We will, however, still continue with the evening gown and talent contest,” said Abdul Aziz, much to the relief of the Press members present at the media conference. “In lieu of prevalent sensitivities, we must ensure that the election respects everyone’s feeling, despite the need to keep it exciting and entertaining, as well as transparent and fair. And lovely too.”

Abdul Aziz said that the race to capture Parliament and state assembly seats would begin with candidate nominations on April 20, and urged the competing parties to use the the 3-week campaign period in in a civil manner.

“No shenanigans, no tomfoolery, and that is final. The EC expects each candidate to carry themselves with dignity and grace,” he said sternly. “In the past we have received complaints of sabotage and other unsportsman-like conduct to discredit opponents. Well, no more. We will be deploying many more officers to check on unfair campaign tactics and ensure voters would be able to make free and informed decisions.”

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FOR THE WINNER: Abdul Aziz showing the winner’s tiara

Abdul Aziz then offered his advice, “Candidates from all parties, be it Barisan Nasional, Pakatan Rakyat or independent ones, should be focusing on clarifying their promises and manifesto to their potential constituencies, as well as clarifying their facial complexion. A beautiful complexion, together with a presentable attire and good stance, is very important to capture the imagination of the voters.

“Spend the campaign period wisely by engaging the best beauty products, beauticians and mak andams (beauty consultants typically hired by brides for their special day). Book your spa sessions early, as you may be amongst the few left on their own come polling day!,” he said, adding that traditional mandi lulur, mandi susu and make-up packages are not government controlled items, so the prices would probably be inflated for the next few weeks. “Ensure that the spas and beauty salons are registered with us to avoid being cheated.

“Other than that, do spend some time preparing for the talent competition,” said Abdul Aziz, referring to the most challenging portion of the contest. “In the past, we’ve had to endure many candidates making a fool of themselves on stage, singing off-tune, forgetting lyrics or completely destroying songs banging on the piano. Please, take this competition seriously.

“If you’re playing any musical instrument, please ensure that they are presentable and fully-tuned. And whatever you’re singing, be it pop, rock, ethnic-creative or reggae, do bring the minus one in the correct format, preferably WAV or MP3, and please, no lip-sync this year. If you’re telling jokes, test them out to friends and family members whom you know would give honest critiques.

“And for goodness sake, if you’re performing any tricks involving fire, do not wear pyrophilic attire or fire-prone wigs, that’s just asking for trouble!” said Abdul Aziz, referring to one rather unfortunate second-degree burn incident involving a PAS candidate during GE10.

Abdul Aziz also encouraged the parties to ensure their nominees get proper health check and quality assurance. “Not only should the candidates be screened for elements of corruption or wrongdoings via MACC or other auditing bodies, they should also be screened to exclude any genetically modified (GM) ingredients.

“In fact, I would go so far as to encourage them to get proper SIRIM and ISO certifications, in addition to obtaining Halal certification from JAKIM. This would tell the voters ‘I’m a winnable candidate’!”

The EC chairman added that the GE13 organiser have spared no expense in ensuring that the elections are of the highest, global quality.

GLORY & GRACE: A sample of the sash for the winning candidates

GLORY & GRACE: A sample of the sash for the winning candidates

“The tiara for the ultimate winner — the PM’s post — was specially designed by Habib Jewels,” he said, proudly showing the gorgeous creation, made with platinum, diamonds, set with a twenty-one carat cabochon-cut white opal and a three carat Burmese pigeon’s blood ruby. “And this sash, to be given to the winning candidate of each parliamentary or state seat, is made of pure Chinese silk, woven by the the finest artisans.”

The grand finale is scheduled to be televised ‘live’ via RTM on the eve of polling day.

EC has also engaged the best local couturers for the evening gown event. “Datuk Jimmy Choo, Zang Toi, Rizalman, Bernard Chandran — you name it, we’ve got it!” said Abdul Aziz, snapping his fingers three times, moving his head from side-to-side. “It’s going to be completely fah-bulous, honey.”

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Anwar: PR to field lab-grown perfect candidates for GE13

KELANA JAYA — Opposition leader Dato’ Seri Anwar Ibrahim today announced that Pakatan Rakyat will be fielding their ultimate weapon against the Barisan Nasional incumbents in their fight for Putrajaya — perfect election candidates with the necessary physical features, principles and values expected by all voters in each constituency.

THE BEST INGREDIENTS: Pakatan will field the perfect candidates for GE13

Speaking at a Press conference at the Parti Keadilan Rakyat headquarters, Anwar said that the candidates, grown in secret labs in the past five years, were designed to ‘be everything to everyone’, solving the ultimate challenge faced by politicians of not being able to make every single voter happy.

“We’ve learned from 2008 that we can’t just pick any Tom, Dick and Harry to run for us. The candidates, codenamed PERWARAK for ‘Perfect Wakil Rakyats’, will obliterate BN and end their reign of domination,” declared Anwar, as his lieutenants nodded confidently. “We harnessed the DNAs from our best specimens, cultivated the seeds in petri dishes five years ago and the clones were accelerated into adulthood via our patented GenoXcell™ technology, all ready for the 13th General Elections.

“The 1,000 units — 500 males and 500 females — have matured, and each of them is now in the process of being programmed with the expected knowledge, skillset and political outlook appropriate to the locality he or she will represent. The BN fools are mere natural humans with countless imperfections — they are no match for our flawless candidates!” said the enthusiastic former Deputy Prime Minister, met by the joyous roar of his supporters.

Anwar said that the PERWARAKs embodied the best of Malaysia, and have been shaped to appeal to each voter in their appearance and substance. “The candidates, model XT-43, which are a much improved version of our XT-35 model we tested at one of the by-elections in 2010, were designed to encapsulate the best facial and physical features of the Malays, Chinese, Indians and other races within the country. We even threw in some Scandinavian, African and Latin features in, just to perfect the blend and make them ‘glocal’,” he said, while handing out some mugshots of the candidates. “Perfectly beautiful, aren’t they?”

PERFECTION-PROGRAMMED: The facial construction software for the XT-43 is able to create the ideal candidate for each constituency

Anwar pointed out that the features can be tailor-made to please the individual constituency. “For example, in a really urban area where young, trendy voters expect to be represented by one of their own, our candidate can be made to look vibrant, young, tanned and metrosexual. Even the hair can be programmed to be slightly brownish, or mauve, to have that slight hint of modernity. In constituencies with high concentration of more aged population or conservative voters, our candidate will be programmed to be older, perhaps more pudgy to give the impression of ‘experienced’ and ‘trustworthy’. His hair can be slightly thinner and splashed with some silver highlights,” said Anwar, jokingly gesturing towards his own crop, to the delight of those present. “The point is, everything will be programmed pre-election, so it will be completely natural.”

As for the personality, character and skillset of each PERWARAK, Anwar said that the candidates have been fitted with some common core directives and software, in addition to the unique, localised programming. “Yes, candidates in Kelantan will be speaking in Kelate, and the ones sent to Terengganu will be all Ganu Kita,” joked the charismatic leader. “However, each candidate is hard-wired to be honest, passionate, caring, loyal and completely dedicated to the needs of the Rakyat. Of course, they’re also pre-programmed to be loyal to the Pakatan Rakyat coalition,” he said, sternly. “We wouldn’t want any party-hopping now, do we?”

To stress his point, Anwar said that the PERWARAKs have been designed to abhor corruption and bribery. “Their basic Operating System does not recognise the value of greed and self-glory. So BN can forget about buying them over. They’re completely bribe-proof. In fact, each candidate have been fixed with a self-destruct device which would be enabled if they even consider being a turncoat.

“But don’t worry, the self-destruct process is fully internal — they’re not going to blow up in public or something,” said Anwar, referring in jest to the XT-35 model whose head exploded in a crowded area, injuring five bystanders after thinking about changing camps in Perak two years ago. “This time, any ‘defective’ candidate will just have their internal organs disintegrate quietly, so the public is completely safe.

“And talking about safe, the candidates are also designed to not die without justification. We’ve had enough inconvenience of by-elections triggered by the deaths of MPs and ADUNs, so our PERWARAK batteries are perpetual-powered. They’ll last virtually forever, or until the next model comes out.”

When asked what would happen to all the ‘natural human’ candidates within Pakatan Rakyat when the PERWARAKs take their jobs, especially the Prime Minster position, Anwar said that these are sacrifices PR leaders are willing to make for the benefit of the rakyats. “We’ll take the back seat of the country’s administration and let the perfect YBs do the work. They have all the necessary qualities to do a great job, so we can depend on them. And if they don’t, we’ll just turn them off remotely.

“They may be sitting in the EXCOs and Parliament, but we’re still their boss. So they’re kinda like ‘Wakil kepada Wakil Rakyat’ (representatives to the representatives). It’s a win-win situation — the PERWARAKs will be running around solving the country’s problems, while we’ll run the country from the comfort of ur homes,” said Anwar. “We’re all about balance, so quality family time is very important to us.”

BN chairman Prime Minister YAB Dato’ Seri Mohd Najib Razak declined to comment on the latest development, however an unnamed source within the coalition confirmed that they were working on a technology to counter the PERWARAKs, including the use of high intensity Electro-Magnetic (EM) disruptor guns to crack through their firewall, disable their software and render them useless. “Yeah, they’ll still be the good looking, perfect glocal-global-whatever-featured specimens, but imagine them just standing there at the podium, unable to deliver their speeches, looking like complete idiots. That’ll be entertaining,” said the source.

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