Tag Archives: bullshit

Haze blamed on too much bullshit

KUALA LUMPUR — Scientists have confirmed that the thick haze engulfing parts of the Klang Valley is caused by the massive amount of lies, empty promises and misrepresentations generated by different parties in society.

NAUSEATING: The bullshit-caused haze enveloping the city

“It’s really all BS,” said Prof. Kamisah Mat Bahrom, lead researcher at Universiti Malaya’s Institut Penyelidikan Alam Sekitar dan Pencemaran. “The plumes of toxic, nauseating smoke that permeate every crevice in the city are a direct result — nay, direct product — of the crap coming out of people’s mouths, especially politicians and the media from all sides, plus quick-rich scheme con artists.

“For years, we were under the impression that the haze is caused by the dry spell exacerbated by ‘hot spots’ of open burning in Indonesia,” said Prof Kamisah. “In actuality, while the fires do contribute to the smoke we breathe every day, most of it is just filthy, unadulterated hot air coming from dishonest mouths and mouthpieces. If you think about it, it’s quite disgusting, not to mention downright unhygienic.”

She continued, “From empty election promises, slander and exaggerated descriptions by politicians, from one-sided media reporting from all sides of the many divides, the obvious bullshit spewed by individuals with fancy titles selling alternative medicines, ingenious solutions to virtually any problem and the moronic stuff said by some so-called celebrities in the rags, it’s amazing how Malaysians have tolerated such crap for such a long time. Bullshit should be a national heritage.”

Prof. Kamisah said that the findings were derived from a project initiated in 2004 that measured and analysed the almost annual occurrence afflicting Klang Valley and at times, the whole country.

“Our team, working with the some international environmental bodies, placed sensors all over Malaysia to collect the polluted air, to merely confirm our hypothesis that the haze is caused by irresponsible open burning. However, beginning 2006, while the satellite images showed that the hot spots around the region did contribute to the smog, we noticed that the samples did not resemble any type of smoke typically originating from forest or agricultural land clearing fires. That was when we expanded our research to find the root cause.”

The researcher said that after 6 years scouring the data, the team reached their conclusion.

“We were, of course, surprised by our findings,” said Prof. Kamisah. “While we’ve all been used to listening to bullshit, horsecrap and hot air coming out of politicians, con artists and the different media, we didn’t think it would be anything that would affect our health. But the research says it all, bullshit kills!” she said angrily, showing the reams of data and charts validating her claim.

“Sadly we cannot reduce the amount or quality of bullshit the country produces every day,” she continued, looking forlorn. “However, our team recommends a two-prong approach to tackling the situation — Protect and Repurpose.

PROTECT: Our young must be educated to filter the dirty bullcrap, validate the information and form their own truths and opinions

“By ‘Protect’, we need to somehow inculcate in our population, especially the young, that they shouldn’t believe everything they hear, see or read. In addition to proper face masks to filter the polluted air, they need to be educated to sift the truths, half-truths and the complete bull dung when dealing with the daily load of ‘news’, ‘advice’ and ‘opinions’ by people especially public figures. They need to be critical and analytical, so that they’re not easily swayed and used like some herd of cows,” said the researcher animatedly.

“And secondly, since we cannot reduce the production of bullshit-induced haze, my team suggests that we use it as an alternative and sustainable energy source. I mean, our nation produces at least 750 million tonnes of bullshit annually, it’d be a waste and even irresponsible to let it dissipate back to nature.”

Prof. Kamisah then showed an artist’s rendition of the “BS reactor”, a large vacuum suction connected to a series of underground facilities that could process the BS-haze and turn it into electrical energy.

REPURPOSE: The team’s proposed BS-haze vacuum hole connected to underground energy reactors

“Our international partners and our institute have put together a grand plan to build 30 such vacuum holes all around the city. We believe that at full mobilisation, the new BS-haze energy could not only contribute significantly to our energy needs and reduce our reliance on coal-based power plants, it can even be exported to our neighbours, creating wealth for our country.

“It may not be ‘clean energy’, what with the dirty lies and horse shit. But it is green, abundant, and absolutely safe. This will be Malaysia’s legacy to mother earth.”

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Ultraman in hot soup for killing giant croc

COAST OF JAPAN — Was it an accident? A hero’s overenthusiasm in figthing anything seemingly evil to save humanity? Or was it a case of a superbeing’s indifference to the environment and the planet?

Whatever the reason, Ultraman, Japan’s 200-foot superhero, self-proclaimed saviour of humanity and protector against evil, is in trouble for killing a rare breed of giant crocodile, which migrates to the island nation every 76 years to lay eggs. The incident happened yesterday, as the crocodile, lovingly dubbed by locals as ‘kyodai-na wani’ (giant crocodile) approached the shore from itsĀ  deep-ocean habitat.

The unfortunate event began when the 250-foot, 550-tonne benign beast broke the water surface approximately 850 feet from the beach at 5.13pm. An American tourist, obviously ignorant of the local wildlife and legendary creature, panicked and called the authorities, erroneously describing how ‘a giant monster is coming to devour Tokyo’. The call naturally went up to the Japanese chapter of the global agency assigned to tackle sinister alien and giant monsters, a special police force known as the Science Special Search Patrol, or SSSP, which has a close working relationship with Ultraman.

However, unlike what is stipulated in SSSP’s S.O.P. (standard operating procedure), which demands that alien or giant visitors be granted ‘friend or foe status check’ before any action is taken, the agency immediately called its Ultra-being friend and the crocodile was methodically attacked and violently killed before it could begin laying its eggs.

MERCILESS: A picture taken by a horrified Japanese passerby

“If the SSSP had followed procedures, they would have found out that the crocodile was harmless,” said Tokyo governor Shintaro Ishihara. “Anyone with a little knowledge of history and an ounce of respect for nature would simply have done a background check with the city’s administration office — or even the library — and seen that the gentle creature visited the shore every 76 years or so simply to lay eggs, and not to destroy anything, like many of the usual monsters who visit us.

“But look what happened now. They killed kyodai-na wani, one of the very few left of its kind in the world. Just like that. Like many denizens of this great city, I’m very angry.”

Captain Muramatsu, head of SSSP Japan, confirmed that ‘a breakdown in process flow’ had resulted in the killing of the friendly giant.

“My team had just returned from a fierce battle with a gigantic mutant lobster in north Honshu in the morning, and was not in any state to fight another giant monster in the evening. The guys were tired, and immediately summoned Ultraman when the call came,” said Muramatsu. “I’m not offering any excuse. They should have checked first before calling Ultraman. But really, I wouldn’t blame SSSP. We cannot control Ultraman or what he does when he ‘deals’ with the alien or monster threat.

“Whatever the case, I promise a thorough investigation.”

The agency has a long record of letting their alien partner settle their giant problems in the past. It is believed that this year alone, Ultraman disposed of 38 out of 41 hostile visitors who wreaked havoc in the city.

“Ultraman is nothing but SSSP’s hired killer,” said Hitoshi Kobu, founder of Save the Monsters, an NGO that has been fighting for giant rights for the last 30 years. “He himself is a destroyer, not a saviour. Like a rabid rottweiler, his first instinct is to kill, and what could be better than getting a target once or twice every month, courtesy of the SSSP? And now, we’ve got a dead giant crocodile, a gentle and lovable soul whose only motive was to precreate.”

Kobu said that this was not the first time Ultraman was involved in a ‘friendly fire’.

“In 1994, a giant squid broke the water surface near Kobe after losing its bearing. It approached a passing cruise ship to ask for directions, but the ignorant people called the SSSP instead.

“The rest, well, we all remember the story. The bay had to live with the black ink from the innocent squid for the next three months.

Kobu said that for the longest time, his organisation has been saying that the SSSP was more interested in a monster killing spree than respecting life. He also added that he suspected that one of the SSSP operative could be Ultraman himself.

“We’ve had inside information that a certain ‘Officer Hayata’ was actually Ultraman, but when we tried to verify this lead, the contact person inexplicably disappeared.

“But think about it. If Ultraman was directly working for SSSP, then obviously the agency has a policy of destroy first, talk later.”

Governor Ishihara, meanwhile, said that the city would have a tough time dealing with the loss of the giant crocodile.

A GREAT LOSS: Japan's Coast Guard investigating the remains of the giant crocodile

“Cleanup will be the least of the problem. We’ve been cleaning one giant carcass every month, so we’re OK there,” said the governor sadly.

“It’s the loss of a national treasure. Yes, there are reportedly four giant crocodiles left in the world, but this one is only one who visits Japan. In a way, it is — it was — part of our heritage… our identity.”

Ishihara said that sanctions against Ultraman and the SSSP management are possible.

“We’ll have to relook at their powers after this, to prevent more of this kind of mishap. A restricted residence order for the so-called superhero, perhaps. We’ll see.

“Whatever it is, we will not have the silver-and-red monster, or his Ultra being siblings, running around killing anything they like. It’s bad enough that we’ve had to live with the colossal collateral damage from their epic battles for last few decades. Enough is enough.”

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