American Idol winner can now afford own first name

LOS ANGELES — Phillip Phillips, the season 11 American Idol winner said that with the recording contract he’ll sign and consequential high income he’ll command, he’d finally be able to buy his own first name, after having to borrow his family’s surname as his first name for the last 22 years.

GOODBYE, ‘PHILLIP’: American Idol winner Phillip Phillips (left) with fellow finalist Jessica Sanchez at the final show

“When my folks had me, they were just fresh out of college, starting out their lives so they couldn’t afford to get me a real first name,” said Phillips, gesturing towards his proud parents sitting in the audience after the announcement was made on Wednesday night that he had beaten fellow Idol finalist, Jessica Sanchez. “The choices were limited then — they could either borrow, beg or steal a first name for me, so they decided to borrow from the family. Of course I don’t hold anything against them for it, things were tough back then,” he added, blowing a kiss to his mother.

“Now the first thing I’ll do when I get my recording contract advanced payment is to walk over to the National Registration Department and get my own name. I can’t wait to say goodbye to my pseudonym, Phillip,” said Phillips, reflecting on the difficult years in school being teased for having the same first and surnames. “I mean, Phillip is a wonderful name. But the fact that it’s just borrowed from a last name, that’s kinda taken the good vibe out of it. I felt like I was ordinary. It was tough. I had only one friend throughout high school who sympathised with my predicament, I’ve always wished for the day when I could change it.

“This win’s for you, Michael Michaels. We did it, buddy!” yelled Phillips into the camera, wiping tears from his cheeks.

Phillips continued, “It was bad enough to be called ‘stutter name’ or ‘carbon copy kid’. When I tried to alleviate the problem by just using my initials ‘PP’, they called me ‘PeePee’. I was traumatised.”

Fellow finalist Jessica Sanchez said that while she was disappointed that she didn’t win the show, she was inspired by Phillips’ success story. “I know how hard it is having a borrowed name — for a few years my best friend in school was stuck with the name Willow Willows. Fortunately in senior year, her parents bought her the first name ‘Wendy’, so she could start over her life. But not everyone was as lucky to have been able to afford a new name.

“Despite his handicap, Phillip proved that he could break through the discrimination and social stigma. I can’t think of a better person to beat me in the show. Congratulations!” said Sanchez, hugging Phillips.

Phillips said that he hopes to finalise his name purchase and registration before he releases his first album. “It would be a good start to my career. Yes, my fans and the American Idol voters know me as Phillip Phillips, but I don’t think having a different first name will affect their support.

“Artistes change their names constantly, and their fans didn’t leave them. Look at The-Artiste-Formerly-Known-As-Prince-Then-Changed-Into-A-Squiggly-Symbol-And-Now’s-Back-As-Prince. He still sells records. It’s all about the music.”

Asked what his new first name would be, Phillip Phillips admitted that he had not finalised his choice as yet, having been tied up with winning the show and all. “Honestly I haven’t been able to lock in to one name, I’ve got a few choices flying in my head,” he said, apparently overwhelmed by the turn of events. “I’d need to think about this carefully, my first name will determine my career success,” he stated, seriously.

“I’ve always liked ‘Alejandro’ and ‘Maximillian’. My folks did want to name me ‘Benjamin’ when I was born, but they couldn’t afford it. So maybe I’ll use all three.

“Alejandro Maximillian Benjamin Phillips. Now that sells records. Yeah!”

Malaysia to consider French maids as alternative to Indonesian maids

KUALA LUMPUR — Malaysian authorities have announced that they are in talks with the French government to allow migrant workers from France to work here as domestic helpers and also possibly low-skilled workers in the manufacturing, food preparation and construction industries. This followed the somewhat icy relationship between Malaysia and Indonesia caused by allegations of abuse recently.

“We have to accept that relying on Indonesian maids is simply not sustainable in the long run,” said Human Resources Minister Datuk Seri Dr S. Subramaniam when met after officiating an event here. “The already tense relationship caused by the cases of employers abusing their maids and of maids abusing their employers’ children is not helped by people fanning the fire,” said Subramaniam, referring to political and NGO leaders from both sides making statements in the media recently. “The ‘temporary’ maid freeze, imposed by Indonesia since 2009 has put a lot of strain on Malaysian parents trying to juggle their hectic work hours and homes duties. And the longer we take to solve these issues, the worse it gets for them. So we need to think outside the box.

HELPFUL AND HARDWORKING: French maids are as good as Indonesian maids, and come with their own uniforms

“After looking around the region for alternative sources of domestic helpers, we’ve decided that French maids were the best answer.”

The minister said that French maids were just as efficient, hardworking and organised as their Indonesian counterparts. “If you can put aside the inconvenience of possibly having to learn French to get them to do your housework, French maids are a very good option. In fact, in some aspects they are the better option,” said Subra. “They look good, and come complete with their own uniform.

“Not to mention, our two cultures are completely different, so it avoids the uncomfortable situation of fighting over wayang kulit, batik or who owns what song and all that,” he said, referring to Indonesia and Malaysia’s fight over the ownership of the folk song Rasa Sayang and the Negaraku/Terang Bulan argument.

Subra said that this move would benefit both nations, considering Malaysia’s stronger economic position. “Malaysian employers would certainly welcome the French maids. I’ve had so many positive feedback from professionals requiring domestic help. So many of my friends, fathers of small children who need someone to watch over them, have asked me to expedite this deal.

“The maids, in turn, would find a better life here in our great country, compared to their desolate existence in their backward, mainly agro-based homeland. Many would take up the opportunity to leave their vineyards and work in our metropolitan, urban cities. It’s every French girl’s dream,” he said confidently.

Subra said that he will be leading a contingent of 200 Malaysian experts to study the maid situation in France in July. “This is a serious situation, and we need to study this carefully. We will start our French language and cultural lessons next week to acclimatise ourselves, including going on a strictly French food diet and familiarising ourselves with French culture. In fact, I’ve already replaced having rice at home with French fries. It’s a good source of carbohydrates. My officers and I are quite stoked to check out the quality of maids there.

“Hopefully, this deal will happen. Oui?“

Anwar: PR to field lab-grown perfect candidates for GE13

KELANA JAYA — Opposition leader Dato’ Seri Anwar Ibrahim today announced that Pakatan Rakyat will be fielding their ultimate weapon against the Barisan Nasional incumbents in their fight for Putrajaya — perfect election candidates with the necessary physical features, principles and values expected by all voters in each constituency.

THE BEST INGREDIENTS: Pakatan will field the perfect candidates for GE13

Speaking at a Press conference at the Parti Keadilan Rakyat headquarters, Anwar said that the candidates, grown in secret labs in the past five years, were designed to ‘be everything to everyone’, solving the ultimate challenge faced by politicians of not being able to make every single voter happy.

“We’ve learned from 2008 that we can’t just pick any Tom, Dick and Harry to run for us. The candidates, codenamed PERWARAK for ‘Perfect Wakil Rakyats’, will obliterate BN and end their reign of domination,” declared Anwar, as his lieutenants nodded confidently. ”We harnessed the DNAs from our best specimens, cultivated the seeds in petri dishes five years ago and the clones were accelerated into adulthood via our patented GenoXcell™ technology, all ready for the 13th General Elections.

“The 1,000 units — 500 males and 500 females — have matured, and each of them is now in the process of being programmed with the expected knowledge, skillset and political outlook appropriate to the locality he or she will represent. The BN fools are mere natural humans with countless imperfections — they are no match for our flawless candidates!” said the enthusiastic former Deputy Prime Minister, met by the joyous roar of his supporters.

Anwar said that the PERWARAKs embodied the best of Malaysia, and have been shaped to appeal to each voter in their appearance and substance. “The candidates, model XT-43, which are a much improved version of our XT-35 model we tested at one of the by-elections in 2010, were designed to encapsulate the best facial and physical features of the Malays, Chinese, Indians and other races within the country. We even threw in some Scandinavian, African and Latin features in, just to perfect the blend and make them ‘glocal’,” he said, while handing out some mugshots of the candidates. “Perfectly beautiful, aren’t they?”

PERFECTION-PROGRAMMED: The facial construction software for the XT-43 is able to create the ideal candidate for each constituency

Anwar pointed out that the features can be tailor-made to please the individual constituency. “For example, in a really urban area where young, trendy voters expect to be represented by one of their own, our candidate can be made to look vibrant, young, tanned and metrosexual. Even the hair can be programmed to be slightly brownish, or mauve, to have that slight hint of modernity. In constituencies with high concentration of more aged population or conservative voters, our candidate will be programmed to be older, perhaps more pudgy to give the impression of ‘experienced’ and ‘trustworthy’. His hair can be slightly thinner and splashed with some silver highlights,” said Anwar, jokingly gesturing towards his own crop, to the delight of those present. “The point is, everything will be programmed pre-election, so it will be completely natural.”

As for the personality, character and skillset of each PERWARAK, Anwar said that the candidates have been fitted with some common core directives and software, in addition to the unique, localised programming. “Yes, candidates in Kelantan will be speaking in Kelate, and the ones sent to Terengganu will be all Ganu Kita,” joked the charismatic leader. “However, each candidate is hard-wired to be honest, passionate, caring, loyal and completely dedicated to the needs of the Rakyat. Of course, they’re also pre-programmed to be loyal to the Pakatan Rakyat coalition,” he said, sternly. “We wouldn’t want any party-hopping now, do we?”

To stress his point, Anwar said that the PERWARAKs have been designed to abhor corruption and bribery. “Their basic Operating System does not recognise the value of greed and self-glory. So BN can forget about buying them over. They’re completely bribe-proof. In fact, each candidate have been fixed with a self-destruct device which would be enabled if they even consider being a turncoat.

“But don’t worry, the self-destruct process is fully internal — they’re not going to blow up in public or something,” said Anwar, referring in jest to the XT-35 model whose head exploded in a crowded area, injuring five bystanders after thinking about changing camps in Perak two years ago. “This time, any ‘defective’ candidate will just have their internal organs disintegrate quietly, so the public is completely safe.

“And talking about safe, the candidates are also designed to not die without justification. We’ve had enough inconvenience of by-elections triggered by the deaths of MPs and ADUNs, so our PERWARAK batteries are perpetual-powered. They’ll last virtually forever, or until the next model comes out.”

When asked what would happen to all the ‘natural human’ candidates within Pakatan Rakyat when the PERWARAKs take their jobs, especially the Prime Minster position, Anwar said that these are sacrifices PR leaders are willing to make for the benefit of the rakyats. “We’ll take the back seat of the country’s administration and let the perfect YBs do the work. They have all the necessary qualities to do a great job, so we can depend on them. And if they don’t, we’ll just turn them off remotely.

“They may be sitting in the EXCOs and Parliament, but we’re still their boss. So they’re kinda like ‘Wakil kepada Wakil Rakyat’ (representatives to the representatives). It’s a win-win situation — the PERWARAKs will be running around solving the country’s problems, while we’ll run the country from the comfort of ur homes,” said Anwar. “We’re all about balance, so quality family time is very important to us.”

BN chairman Prime Minister YAB Dato’ Seri Mohd Najib Razak declined to comment on the latest development, however an unnamed source within the coalition confirmed that they were working on a technology to counter the PERWARAKs, including the use of high intensity Electro-Magnetic (EM) disruptor guns to crack through their firewall, disable their software and render them useless. “Yeah, they’ll still be the good looking, perfect glocal-global-whatever-featured specimens, but imagine them just standing there at the podium, unable to deliver their speeches, looking like complete idiots. That’ll be entertaining,” said the source.

Lecturers, teachers hope students will #Occupy Classes

COURAGE & COMMITMENT: Tents set up by students at #Occupy Dataran

KUALA LUMPUR — Bolstered by the enthusiasm showed by scores of students who participated in the #Occupy Dataran movement, lecturers and teachers across the nation are expressing hopes that the same enthusiasm is shown in the movement to cut truancy amongst students, or #Occupy Classes.

In a statement released by the National Parent-Teacher Association (PIBG), educators have said that they are ‘amazed’ by the spirit shown by the student participants of the autonomous grassroots movement, and hope that M.I.A. students could “show even a fraction of that interest in attending classes too”.

“The amount of energy and time spent, the risk taken and the commitment shown in the #Occupy Dataran movement is testament to the can-do spirit of the young,” said the statement. “Braving the extremely uncomfortable weather, threat of arrest and physical violence by strong opponents of the movement, this is proof that when Malaysian youngsters put their mind to it, they can achieve anything.

“Now, if only students across the country can show the same enthusiasm in attending classes and lectures, imagine the impact to the nation. And that is why the #Occupy Classes movement was initiated.”

EMPTY: Teachers are finding it demoralising to find more students cutting classes

Teachers across the city lauded the new movement, citing the urgent need to keeping kids in schools and their purpose for waking up each day.

“Look, we’re human beings too,” said Cikgu Jamal Kamaruddin, a Maths teacher in a secondary school in Ampang. “While we’re very excited to teach, facilitate the learning process and impart our knowledge to the young, it does affect our morale seeing so many pupils cutting classes every day without remorse. It’s sad to know we’re unable to reach out to many of the kids, who’d rather spend their days loitering around town in video games outlets.

“So it’s a good idea to rally the students like this. If they’ve shown so much support for the Dataran Merdeka gig, there’s no reason they won’t support the anti-truancy movement. It’ll be great to have full attendance again, even if they’ll be camping out in the classroom like how they did in Dataran. We’ll just remove the desks and make room for their tents.”

DRB-HICOM appoints Proton Inspira as Proton CEO

**SATIRE, PARODY, UNTRUE. Just a joke, folks**

SHAH ALAM — DRB-HICOM Bhd today announced the appointment of an artificial intelligence-enhanced Proton Inspira 2.0 as Proton Holdings Bhd’s new chief executive officer, following the investment conglomerate acquiring the carmaker a few weeks ago.

KHAMIL: Inspira knows the product more than anyone

At the announcement ceremony, DRB-HICOM group managing director Datuk Seri Mohd Khamil Jamil said that the parent company had made the perfect choice in putting the fate of the national automaker in the hands of a car they had built.

“DRB-HICOM has always maintained that we cannot afford to appoint just about anybody, especially those not from the auto industry. We’d want the new Proton CEO to really know the product. And who would know cars better than a car?” said Khamil at the Press conference, as the Inspira, serial number 3765-210-0444-IQ57 looked on, its red ‘Knight Rider’-inspired sensor light swooshing calmly on its grille.

“Throughout Proton’s almost 3 decades of operation, humans have called the shots,” Khamil continued. “And as the company enters a crucial chapter, where the stakes are higher and global competition is getting stiff, we cannot afford to risk human error. Inspira here will be able to make logical, objective and heartless decisions that would benefit the company and the cars it produces, free from emotions or political pressure,” said Khamil, as the new CEO scanned the faces of all the journalists in the conference hall, the supercomputer under the hood buzzing menacingly. “This is a car business, and it’s best to leave the hard decisions to those in the business.”

Khamil then proceeded to explain to the reporters the characters of the new CEO.

INSPIRING CHOICE: New CEO Inspira at the event

“The CEO started as an ordinary production car, of course. It was assembled just like any other Inspiras out there,” said Khamil. “But we picked the best one from the assembly line, and added on a few things that would make it functional in the boardroom as well as the highway.

“The AI is top of the line. Developed right here in the Proton Centre of Excellence by local programmers, the neural network sits in a Cray-XK7 supercomputer with multiple-core processors,” said Khamil, proudly showing the processor-infused engine bay. “We spared no expense. We wanted the very best leader for Proton, one who could carry the weight of the nation’s expectations.”

Responding to a reporter’s question about appointing a non-Malaysian as head of a Government-linked company, what with the Inspira model originating as a Mitsubishi Lancer GT, Khamil said that the Inspira was only ‘inspired’ by the Japanese automaker’s model, not an exact copy. “To say that the Inspira is Japanese is like calling a Malaysian who graduated from Harvard University an American! That would be very silly,” he retorted, to the laughter from the audience. “We are proud of the CEO’s Malaysian heritage and spirit, and have no doubt about its loyalty.”

Additionally, Khamil would not confirm or deny rumours of DRB-HICOM appointing other cars from Proton’s model lineup in the management.

“Let’s start small, ladies and gentlemen,” he said. “As it is, we’ll be the first company in the world that has a non-human as CEO. While we celebrate our innovative step today, we should take baby steps into the next phase. Our expectations are high, but who knows, if the Inspira performs well, we’ll be seeing the Satria Neo as COO, Saga as CFO and Exora in charge of marketing?” said Khamil, as the current human being management team looked on nervously.

World finds out 11:11:11 11-11-11 just a bunch of dumb numbers

WORLD — Roughly 7 billion people around planet Earth today realised that despite the hype and sentimental bullshit, 11:11:11 11-11-11, the stylised expression of 11:11:11am, 11 November 2011, is just a stupid point in time, with no significance whatsoever to anything important. To the disappointment of the world’s population, the moment came and went without anything remotely remarkable happening.

The Moment, captured in perpetuality without any significance

“Shit, man. I was hoping something big happened,” said Mbutu Kwambe, a 35-year-old trader in Zimbabwe’s capital city, Harare. “I waited outside, with my laptop and TV on, to see if any alien would appear to take over the planet or if Armageddon would happen. Zilch. What a waste of good numbers.”

Li Shan, 47 from Shanghai agreed. “I took the day off from my accounting job to fully immerse myself in the moment. I mean, this supposedly significant number only happens every hundred years or something. It’s bigger than the eclipse of the sun, or even the near-miss of some potentially harmful comet! But what the hell, man. My poop this morning was more eventful.”

At the United Nations headquarters, leaders of the world voiced their dissatisfaction that none of the UN members did anything big to ensure that the moment would be celebrated next year onwards.

“From fuck’s sake, do I have to do everything around here?” said UN secretary general Ban Ki-Moon in disgust at a special session to address The Moment, right after the moment came and went. “Where are all the fireworks? The man-made disasters? Some significant event we’d be able to tie to The Moment and celebrate year after year? How come nobody invaded anybody? Or bombed the hell out of some city? We can’t just depend on North Korea to be the bad guy and do some newsworthy shit all the time!”

However, there were some small consolations for the World. Everywhere across the globe, couples were getting married, girlfriends were proposed to and wedding vows were remade at the precise moment the digital clock displayed the 1′s. Hopes were abound that perhaps, the digits would magically make the unions more significant and stronger than regular ones.

“My new husband and I officially became a family at 11:11:11 11-11-11!” said Regina Lim, a beaming bride from Kuala Lumpur, as the groom Ronald Chan looked on in mild amusement. “I know that being married at The Moment will ensure our happiness and longevity of our marriage. It’s such a magical and romantic moment!”

Mr Chan, when met privately later however said, “Sheesh, it’s such a pain. I mean, it’s Friday late morning — who the heck marries on a weekday? But she wanted it, so, being the doormat that I am, I let her have it.”

Asked whether he believed the significance of the Moment as much as his new wife, he said, “I don’t know. She’s so bossy and I’ve got a short temper. I want kids, she doesn’t. So as you can see, we’ve got some serious compatibility issues yet to be resolved. We’d be lucky to survive the next year.”

Satan appalled by Petknode duo

DEPTHS OF HELL — Satan today expressed his disgust at the level of cruelty and nonchalance displayed by the owners of Petknode, the ‘pet hostel’ found to have housed over 90 cats, in addition to more than 200 others in their private residence, in highly deplorable conditions during the Raya holidays. About a dozen were already dead by the time rescue arrived, while the rest were dying, most nothing but skin and bones.

Speaking from his brimstone throne, the Dark Lord said that even he, in his eons of evil existence, has not gone down that low or shown such lack of humanity and mercy. Adding that it’s not often he’s ever been shocked by anything, he didn’t think humans were capable of abandoning 300 cats and kittens to a slow and painful death.

“The first time I read about it, I thought it was fiction, honestly,” said Satan, shaking his head in disbelief. “I never figured such crass cruelty and absolute disrespect for life could originate from human beings. It’s heartbreaking.

“But these two cruel bastards, their actions brought tears to my eyes,” said the Evil One, holding back his emotions as he looked at pictures of the abandoned cats, some too weak to even move. “As evil and badass as I am, I wouldn’t think of putting defenseless creatures in such horrid environments. Even in Hell we only torture those who deserve it. What have the little kitties done to deserve such treatment?”

Satan ended his statement by issuing a stern warning to the Petknode owners and other animal abusers.

“Your Earthly laws may not get you,” said Satan, referring to the unnecessarily forgiving animal protection laws in Malaysia. “You may think you’ll get away with fines, yes, but your time will come, you heartless bastards. I’ve got something special waiting for you in the fiery pits of Hades. Though it’ll never compare to the conditions you put the cats through, I can assure you that I’ll try my very best to make it — um, ‘hospitable’ — for you. Perhaps, something involving my fiery pitchfork being shoved up somewhere.

“We’ll get friendly, you worthless piece of shit.”