NOTICE: May 2012 parody piece on Malaysia Airlines taken offline

Pray-For-MH370

Dear readers,

Out of respect for the missing 239 on board MH370, their families and loved ones, the parody article “Malaysia Airlines to convert stealth bombers into passenger aircraft” written in May 2012 has been taken off the site.

Please continue praying for the safety and wellbeing of those involved.

Best regards,
Hassan Skodeng

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Scientists reclassify rempits as brainless organisms

KUALA LUMPUR — Leading zoologists in Malaysia have reached a consensus to reclassify the Mat Rempit as a new species, following extensive studies that found no trace of any brain matter in their heads, other than small clumps of ganglia that control their basic motor and reproductive functions.

NEW SPECIES: The rempitus moronicus is now in the same group as other brainless animals such as the sponge, jellyfish and clams

NEW SPECIES: The rempitus moronicus is now in the same group as other brainless animals such as the sponge, jellyfish and clams

Speaking at a biology conference in University of Malaya today, chairman of the Malaysian Association of Zoological Sciences Datuk Dr Ismail Masaran said that the mat rempit, or new scientific name rempitus moronicus, are in the same group as the sponge (the porifera phylum), the starfish (echinoderms), jellyfish (cnidarians) and common shellfish such as molluscs and clams.

“It is truly an exciting day for us,” said Dr Ismail as he revealed key findings from the studies. “After decades of miscategorisation that caused so much confusion in the zoological community, finally we have a more complete and clear understanding of this beautiful creature. Our discovery of the rempit’s brainlessness has provided much needed explanation for this species’ idiotic behaviour on the road and complete disregard for personal safety as well as that of other road users.”

Explaining the multi-university team’s RM7 million research that began four years ago, Dr Ismail said that the results were much more than they had anticipated. “Initially we wanted to know why the rempit — then erroneously treated as part of the homo sapien family — displayed many behaviours which were unnatural to human beings, such as performing unnecessarily dangerous stunts, aversion to safety tools like helmets as well as violent allergy to good manners and common sensibilities. We were mystified by the way these beasts showed no interest in the preservation of their own lives and limbs.

“Our first hypothesis was focused on psychology; we thought there was something wrong with them psychologically. However, through 3D scans done on their heads, we found that the abnormality is actually physiological — they’re just different creatures altogether,” said Dr Ismail. “We wanted to observe the neurons firing when they’re exposed to different stimuli, but when we saw the scan, there was virtually nothing there but empty space. They’re apparently just built like that.”

Dr Ismail said that to know more, the team decided to conduct a physical examination.

“It was quite challenging to do a physical invasive examination,” said Dr Ismail. “Rempits are mostly nocturnal and are quite elusive creatures, so a good sample was hard to come by.

“Fortunately, we were able to secure some sample rempits — one male ‘Mat’ Rempit and one female ‘Minah’ rempit from hospitals in Selayang and Klang, so we cut them open. The first thing we noticed was how thick the skulls of these rempits are,” said Dr Ismail, as other researchers in the team nodded in agreement. “The skull wall was so thick there was hardly any room inside for a brain, even if the rempits wanted to have one. In a way, this explains why some of them are so relaxed about wearing safety helmets — other than the skull being so strong, there is really nothing valuable inside to protect.”

FULL YET EMPTY: Head scan of a rempit sample

FULL YET EMPTY: Head scan of a rempit sample

The lead researcher concluded that the newly discovered species’s lack of brains is both a curse and a blessing.

“On one hand, their inability to make intelligent decisions and tendency to risk their lives unnecessarily have made road accidents almost a natural, expected thing amongst the rempit community. It’s a cruel fate, but it’s nature’s way of controlling their population — by letting them kill themselves. But on the other hand, their lack of intellectual capabilities means they make their decisions based on impulse — and we all know what’s the strongest impulse for this kind of wild animal.

“Other than behaving like complete idiots on the road, they just end up doing nothing but breed. So I guess it evens out.”

Dr Ismail said that this new reclassification has had an impact in how authorities deal with the species.

“We shared our research with the authorities. As a result, the police has handed over the role of regulating these creatures to the Wildlife Department. The forest rangers will take care of the species welfare and habitat, as well as controlling their migration pattern. To maintain a balance in the ecosystem, their interaction with other species — especially with human beings — will have to be monitored, considering their destructive behaviour.

BETTER REGULATED: Thanks to the reclassification, now rempits are regulated by the Wildlife Dept, here shown directing a herd of rempit in their nightly migration

BETTER REGULATED: Thanks to the reclassification, now rempits are regulated by the Wildlife Dept, here shown directing a herd of rempit in their nightly migration

“Should their numbers be too high, I would recommend effective population control methods such as neutering and in extreme cases, culling.”

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Malaysia offers assistance to problem-plagued Sochi

KUALA LUMPUR — Malaysia has extended an offer to Sochi to help host the XXII Winter Olympic Games, in light of the Russian city’s apparent lack of readiness in organising the event as tweeted by unhappy global media representatives who arrived in their hotels only to find toilets, doors, power outlets and other basic amenities in sorry state.

malaysia_winter_olympicsSpeaking at Sri Perdana today, Prime Minister YAB Dato’ Sri Mohd Najib Razak said that the widely-known problems faced by the organisers prompted him to come up with the idea of holding the winter games in Malaysia, seeing how “we should always help our neighbours who are in trouble”.

“It broke my heart when I read all those mean tweets and unflattering pictures of construction materials in hotel rooms, yellow-coloured tap water and non-functioning toilet seats,” said Najib. “I know how hard it is to organise an event like this, and I asked myself, what can we do to help a nation in need?

“Suddenly I had an epiphany — if they’re not ready, we’ll do it for them!”

The PM pointed out that Malaysia has all the necessary facilities, infrastructure and weather conditions to run the winter olympics.

“We have so many hotels, all ready to accept the huge number of guests, seeing how it’s not peak period in our tourist calendar. Our airports are primed to receive all our visitors without problem,” said Najib, adding that while KLIA 2 may not be completely functional, “it’s no more ‘complete’ than the Sochi facilities, so it’s not a major step-down for the would-be passengers”.

“Fine, we have summer-based stadiums as opposed to the ice-based facilities in Sochi, but it’s nothing that a little adaptation to the tools cannot fix. How hard is it to change from skis to wheels?”

The PM said that for winter sport events that ‘really, really need’ ice or snow, there are available private facilities which can be used.

An artist's impression of an adapted bobsledding

An artist’s impression of an adapted bobsledding

“We have a few winter-based theme parks and arenas for that. The Winter Wonderland at i-City is a marvelous spot that can handle all the wintery stuff people from Canada, Russia, Europe and other icy-places want. The ice-skating rinks at Sunway Pyramid and Mutiara Damansara are also open for business, what more do you want?

“Plus, I don’t see why our world-famous water slides can’t handle the bobsled and luge events,” he added. “In fact, I think the sport will be much more interesting when the sleds end up in the pool of water, creating huge, gigantic splashes. So the points can be based not only on speed, but also on the size of the water splashes.”

Najib, telling the media that he’ll be contacting his counterpart in Moscow to discuss the relocation of the venue, medals as well as tools and officials, also said that those who worried about the stifling heat of Malaysia’s tropical climate need not fret.

“All our facilities are air-conditioned, or at least equipped with good fans and ice-cream stalls,” he said reassuringly. “And in case you don’t remember, the recent ‘cold draft’ that brought down the temperatures in some parts of Malaysia has not left us. You’d still need those nice, thick jackets to walk around in those chilly nights.

“We’re cool.”

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Bird expert: Kajang by-election winner could go extinct

KUALA LUMPUR — Winning the Kajang by-election could spell political doom for the victor, a leading ornithologist (expert on birds) said today.

According to Dr Bulleau Plëpha, head zoologist the Max Planck Institute for Ornithology, the signs are clearly showing that contesting in the Selangor state constituency was a bad idea, and even if one wins the fight, his career will not take flight.

Cautioning Datuk Seri Anwar Ibrahim (PKR) and anyone else planning to nominate themselves for the N25 ADUN seat, Dr Plëpha said his assessment was based on the fact that the shape of the Kajang constituency is too similar to the dodo bird (Raphus Cucullatus), an extinct flightless bird that was endemic to the island of Mauritius.

RISKY CONTEST: Kajang could spell political extinction to the victor

RISKY CONTEST: Kajang could spell political extinction to the victor

“The similarity just cannot be ignored,” said Dr Plëpha. “Look at them both … Kajang looks like a silhouette of the dodo, looking up to the sky reflecting on its own sad demise. This scientific deduction can only mean one thing — winning the N25 seat will not augur well for the victor’s political ambitions!”

Dr Plëpha added that the dodo’s lack of fear of humans was the reason it was so easy to be captured and killed. “Some people say it was intrepidness that caused the Raphus Cucullatus’ extinction. It had no issues with fraternising with other species which were their own predators. Fearlessness? I’d say it was foolishness!

“And likewise, trying to ‘win’ this dodo-inspired constituency would be an act of foolishness and political suicide!”

The Kajang state seat fell vacant following the resignation of incumbent assemblymen Lee Chin Cheh of PKR on Jan 27. The Election Commission has announced that it would meet on February 5 to discuss the nomination and polling dates. The state seat comprises 38,965 registered voters. At the last general election in May, 2013, the seat saw a voter turnout of 87.9% with 541 spoilt votes. It has 48% Malay voters, Chinese 41%, Indian 10% and others 1%. In the 2013 general election PKR’s Lee garnered 19,571 votes followed by Lee Ban Seng (Barisan Nasional-MCA) with 12,747 votes and Mohamad Ismail (Berjasa) 1,014 votes.

Dr Plëpha offered his advice to interested contenders: “Should you feel the need to contest in that dodo danger-zone, keep your expectations low. It’s not a thriving place for any bird or fowl, what with Kajang being famous for its chicken satay. Your political outlook may just be similar.”

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Canada: Bieber barred from returning, deportation by US considered act of war

OTTAWA — The Canadian government announced today that any move by neighbouring US government to send singer Justin Bieber back home is ‘unconscionable’ and would be considered an act of war.

HARPER: My duty to protect Canada

HARPER: My duty to protect Canada

Speaking from the PM’s Office in Parliament Hill, Prime Minister Stephen Harper said that the current effort by Americans to deport the 19-year-old through the online petition to the White House is of ‘major concern’.

“The Canadian government certainly takes this issue very seriously, as it could potentially affect our national security as well as economic and social stability,” said Harper, denouncing the move. “When the ‘subject’ decided to move to Los Angeles in 2008 and the US people wholeheartedly accepted his relocation, it was a one-way deal, and we clearly stated that it was permanent. This is not Walmart — there’s no return policy here.”

WILD BOY: Bieber behaving badly

WILD BOY: Bieber behaving badly

Bieber, who recently ran afoul of the law after he was arrested for drag racing and DUI in addition to resisting arrest in Miami, became the latest subject in the White House’s Online Petition initiative. Concerned Americans fed-up with his spoilt-brat antics filed a petition calling for the deportation of the superstar back to his home country or anywhere ‘that’s not the US’. According to the website, the White House promises to review any petition by the public which gathers more than 100,000 signatures in 30 days, and the ‘Deport Bieber’ petition surpassed 175,000 in just 6 days.

“We understand that our brothers and sisters down south may have reached their boiling point after seeing the girly-boy turn from a Youtube child sensation into an uber-rich, ungrateful piece of blonde crap, soaking up valuable oxygen and displaying the kind of decadent excesses which would make any working American vomit blood,” said Harper empathically. “But sorry, you let him in. Now he’s your problem.”

OUT: The online White House petition

OUT: The online White House petition

Bieber, who rose to stardom under the mentorship of pop singer Usher via songs such as ‘Baby’, ‘Boyfriend’ and ‘Never Say Never’, movie and TV appearances as well as hooking up with Selena Gomez, has had a stellar career in the short span of 5 years, amassing a personal fortune of US$160 million. However, the constant spotlight has somehow turned the youngster into a rather unpleasant and wild person who has no issue getting high or drunk, terrorising neighbours, bringing exotic monkeys into other countries and urinating into random janitor mop buckets.

Harper added that it’s not proper for countries to import something only to try to return it just because it’s gone rotten.

“Look, we gave the US Avril Lavigne, Alanis Morissette, Shania Twain and Celine Dion, and the country had no problem enjoying our gifts and exploiting the products of the Canadian creative environment. They were all great, iconic personalities which brought nothing but happiness to your country. You give them Green Cards, but once one of them gets bad and unruly, you want to send it back? That’s not fair — you gotta take the good with the bad, eh?

“Okay, maybe Celine Dion was a bad example. But you get the point.”

The PM said that the border authorities had been instructed to increase its patrols to ensure Bieber doesn’t get through.

“We’re on high alert. Maintaining order and good sense is priority in Canada. Having the Americans violate this would mean severe diplomatic consequences,” stressed Harper. “My job is to protect innocent Canadian lives, and my government firmly stands behind this decision.”

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Sayur-sayuran cadang anjur demonstrasi bantah harga Kangkung turun

KUALA LUMPUR — Beberapa jenis sayur-sayuran hari ini mengumumkan cadangan untuk mengadakan demonstrasi aman bagi membantah penurunan harga sayur Kangkung yang dianggap ‘terlalu drastik’ dan akan membebankan golongan sayur tempatan. Tindakan ini diambil susulan pengumuman pengurangan harga kangkung kepada RM2 sekilo oleh YAB Perdana Menteri Mohd Najib Razak baru-baru ini.

TURUN HARGA: Sayur kangkung

TURUN HARGA: Sayur kangkung

Menurut presiden Persatuan Sayur-sayuran dan Buah-buahan Tempatan (PERSABUT), En. Kailan, komuniti sayur-sayuran tidak dapat menerima kenapa harga sayur Kangkung diturunkan dengan begitu mendadak tanpa sebab. “Kami tidak mengerti mengapa penurunan harga ini hanya membabitkan sayur Kangkung, dan tidak sayuran lain,” kata Kailan kepada para wartawan di pejabat PERSABUT di Kelana Jaya. “Adakah Kangkung lebih istimewa dari sayur lain? Lebih berkhasiat dan berserat tinggi?

“Ataupun, mungkin Kangkung mempunyai ‘hubungan’ yang lebih tinggi dengan sesiapa di Putrajaya?” sindir Kailan, sambil disambut dengan sorakan “Warna Sama Hijau!”, “Kangkung Bukan King!” dan “Kangkung Pakai Nasi Kangkang!” oleh para sayuran yang lain yang tidak dapat menahan perasaan marah.

Kailan juga melahirkan rasa khuatir permintaan terhadap sayuran lain akan terjejas.

“Cuba bayangkan, dengan penurunan harga yang tidak adil ini, Kangkung akan menjadi pilihan utama setiap kali anda semua ingin membeli sayuran di pasar. Setiap menu yang mempunyai sayur lain akan digantikan dengan kangkung!

KEBAJIKAN SAYUR TEMPATAN: Demonstrasi bagi memastikan keadilan untuk semua jenis sayur

KEBAJIKAN SAYUR TEMPATAN: Demonstrasi bagi memastikan keadilan untuk semua jenis sayur

“Bayangkan, timun di dalam nasi lemak diganti dengan kangkung? Pucuk paku, sawi, petai dan bermacam lagi ulam-ulaman untuk dimakan dengan sambal belacan, diganti dengan kangkung? Kobis dibiar terbuang oleh pengusaha-pengusaha restoran ayam penyet? Tidakkah pemimpin-pemimpin kita fikirkan tentang perasaan sayuran lain?” hujah Kailan, sambil menenangkan setiausaha PERSABUT, Cik Timun yang menangis tersedu.

“Kami tidak dapat menerima keputusan ini. Ketidakadilan ini perlu dilawan, dan kami sayuran lain telah memulakan kempen “NAIK” bagi menaikkan kembali harga kangkung,” kata Kailan. “Kempen ini akan bermula dengan perarakan ‘Sejuta Sayur’ pada hujung minggu ini, bermula dari Cameron Highlands dan akan berakhir dengan penyerahan memorandum bantahan kepada pihak kerajaan di Putrajaya. Kami harap setiap jenis sayur tempatan akan dapat bersama menyuarakan rasa tidak puas hati dan mendapatkan keadilan kepada semua.

Kailan juga berkata, para sayuran tempatan berharap para pemimpin dapat memahami keadaan terdesak yang dihadapi oleh masyarakat mereka. “Kami tahu, mungkin para pemimpin dapat hidup mewah, dan makan hanya sayuran impot seperti Brokoli dan Asparagus. Mereka mungkin membuat keputusan tanpa mengetahui apa yang dirasa oleh sayuran watan. Tapi kami, sayur marhaen, tetap punyai harga diri dan akan mengambil apa juga jenis tindakan yang menjadikan harga semua jenis sayuran sama kompetitif, termasuklah tindakan undang-undang, jika perlu. Kami pentingkan prinsip sama rata, dan akan memastikan kebajikan semua jenis sayur terjaga.

Termasuklah sayur Kangkung.”

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BUDGET 2014: Malaysia to introduce Stupid Tax

KUALA LUMPUR — Prime Minister Dato’ Sri Mohd Najib Razak today announced in Budget 2014 taxation for moronic statements and actions by public figures, politicians and celebrities.

najib-speaksThe Unnecessarily Stupid Tax (UST), to be introduced progressively along with Government Service Tax (GST), would cover obviously dumbass, illogically hilarious and mindblowingly crass or insensitive statements uttered in public, with different tax rates for public servants, celebrities and politicians, who are expected to contribute the bulk of the UST tax collection.

“Let’s be honest, our public figures are well known to have foot-in-mouth disease,” said Najib midway through his Budget tabling in Parliament. “From completely moronic and sweeping generalisations to gigantically insensitive remarks, we’ve seen it all. Every single day the rakyat is served with endless syok-sendiri announcements, surreal and intelligence-insulting statements and hollow promises that compete with actual news about real tragedies and happenings. It’s very depressing, and it’s eating up our collective energy. I have friends who tell me they feel like jumping off buildings when they listen or read the kind of sorry-ass crud coming out of some public figure mouths.

“Seriously, ‘middle-class group’ defined by a Merc, bungalow and 3 million freakin’ bucks in savings?” asked the PM animatedly, as some Mercedes-driving MPs squirmed in discomfort. “How detached from reality can we be?

“How can the rakyat believe we care about them when they complain something’s expensive, and we tell them to stop buying it? I mean, luxury items is one thing, but chicken, fish, sugar and other essential grocery items?

“And how much more nauseating loads of excrement can we take from celebrities airing their dirty laundry in public and asking people to respect their privacy, all in the same breath? WHO THE FRANKFURTER CARES IF YOU’RE ‘TEMAN TAPI MESRA’?” screamed the PM, heaving in anger.

“We need to put a stop to things like this, and I can think of no better way than to punish those responsible by taking their money,” said Najib, regaining his composure, much to the relief of those present. “From January onwards, anyone caught saying something that’s unworthy of anyone with an IQ higher than 50 will be visited by some friendly people from LHDN. And the police. And maybe even some commandos in balaclavas, just for kicks. They’ll take money, bank accounts, property, hell — even the clothes on your back if you piss everyone enough with your crap-trap.

“Public figures, such as politicians and especially politicians on MY side, must be educated to watch what they say. No more shooting from the hilt, no more arrogance, no more berating people like you own the freaking world. Cukup lah. I dream of a day when our papers feature intelligent people whose brains work faster than their mouths.”

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